Kelly F
The abuse started out small. We didn’t exactly have a healthy relationship to begin with. We were always arguing and he was always belittling me. I guess, to be honest, the emotional abuse started long before he actually raised a hand to me. We were arguing, as usual, and I sat on his cigarettes. He was enraged. I told him to get over it and he slapped me across the face. I sat there stunned for a second and then pushed him away. It hadn’t exactly hit me what had just occurred. Then he slams me against the wall and holds me up by my neck. I couldn’t breathe and he was in my face telling me how big of a bitch I am. It didn’t feel real. I couldn’t even react, I mean this happens in lifetime movies, not to me, right?
He pushed me into the hallway and slammed the door to his room. I stood there gasping for air. And that is when the first wave of shame hit me. I was embarrassed. I felt so ashamed that my boyfriend had just humiliated me like that. It was going to be a reoccurring feeling, but the first time was the worst. I was not sure what I should do. I went and found his roommate’s girlfriend and told her what had just happened. She just kind of stared at me. At first I thought it was because she was just as shocked as I was, until she said, “It will be ok. He probably didn’t mean it.” I was in disbelief. Then his roommate walked in and basically said the same thing, telling me that it would be ok. Not once did anyone mention calling the police. Not once did anyone even act like anything horrible had just happened. They made me feel like I was being a drama queen, that I was overreacting. I started to tell myself that maybe they were right. Maybe I should just stop crying and get over it. So, that is what I did.
But it didn’t stop there. One night I was scared he was going to kill me. We had gone out to a local bar with friends and while we were there a guy had said hello and, being friendly, I had said hello back. When we got back to his apartment, he confronted me about talking to the guy at the bar and started getting angrier and angrier. I assured him that it was no big deal, but he was just so mad. He hit me across the face and threw me onto the ground. He told me to get up and get out. I was in the middle of Chicago, it was 3:00 in the morning, there was nowhere I could go right now. I crawled into the living room and sat down on one of the couches. He comes storming out of his room a few minutes later and starts hitting me again. I try to push him away and I end up getting pushed onto the ground again. He stands over me and starts kicking me. He kicks me in the head and the stomach multiple times. I am pleading with him to stop and he just keeps going. I am yelling for help at this point, but none of his roommates hear me. He drags me up and throws me out the front door of his apartment.
I know that you are reading this thinking, why didn’t you run for help? I was so broken down and I had been told so many times that I was being a drama queen, that I believed it. I felt like I deserved this and that no one was going to care if I told them. I mean, I had already told multiple people and no one seemed to think it was a big deal. I started banging on the door. He let me in and was starting to go off again when there was a knock on the door. His landlord who lived upstairs had come down to see what the noise was about. He lied to the landlord, said sorry, and then he just walked past me and went to bed. The next day my arm was covered in bruises in the shape of hand prints from him holding me so hard and shaking me. I couldn’t wear sleeveless shirts for a week because I was afraid of people seeing the bruises.
I could list more instances that he hurt me physically, but I think the emotional damage that he caused was almost more painful. I am slowly recovering and becoming the person I used to be. I have a lot of sadness and anger that I am still dealing with. This has affected me deeply, but I am not going to let it dictate how my life continues. I just hope that anyone reading this will never be a bystander of abuse.
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Kelly F. blogs at Invisible Pedestrian.
20 Responses to “Kelly F”
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You’re so right. Too many people are afraid to say anything, to put themselves into the situation, to take the risk of stopping being the bystander and instead become involved.
Thank god you did survive. And with time, you can become strong and stronger than ever because you did.
You’re taking the right steps.
Sometimes, the most damaging part is the part that careless friends/family play in making a person feel like they did something to deserve abuse. Belittling, making light of the situation, calling a person a ‘drama queen’ or simply ignoring the abuse is nearly as bad as inflicting it.
It takes courage to walk away, to start over. Thanks for sharing your story, Kelly. May this new year bring confidence, strength and hope.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your experiences and the lack of help you received. I promise to learn from your story and not to be a bystander. I’m glad you made it out… you are so strong! Prayers for a calm and peaceful life.
Kelly, you are 100% not guilty for what was done to you. Your abuser was 100% guilty for abusing you.
In bravely sharing your story, you have clearly illustrated the damage unintentionally inflicted on an abuse victim by family and friends who look the other way. People will read that and think about it. Thank you for speaking out.
One of the tools I used in dealing with the long term effects of shame was a book written by Jeff VanVonderen titled Wounded by Shame Healed by Grace . Humiliation and shame are horribly damaging and difficult to recover from, but it can be done!
Congratulations on escaping the abuse. Keep working on your recovery.
Blessings to you.
The shame. The shame is the worst part. I’m so very sorry.
Even worse that it is misplaced shame. All the other people in the story should be the ones ashamed. Not you. I’m so sorry.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know it will touch everyone who reads it, in some way.
The shame, my gosh, what a powerful emotion that is.
I agree the emotional damage can be worse than the physical sometimes.
Bruises heal in a few days, a few weeks…it takes so much longer to heal one’s spirit.
Thank-you for having the courage to speak out and hopefully help others realize they don’t have to live like this, but also to encourage others to help those in need.
I’m praying for your continued healing. Bless you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing – and I wish you peace!
You are absolutely right. Thank you for sharing. People need to know to stand up, not stand by.
I am so proud of you to have the courage to write this and I am happy that you have used your story to help others!
i wish you relief from the shame. it’s crippling, i know.
and the shame of those others who turn a blind eye because they don’t want to get involved.
their shame cripples as well. it hovers over their heads and clouds their judgment.
keep working on you.
you’ve done a good thing, speaking out.
taken away some of the shame’s power over you.
keep shedding it. its not yours.
I am fully in support of Kelly, but some of these commenters…it is no one’s fault, EVER, other than the abusers. Should we ALL step up and do something when we SEE abuse? Of course we should, absolutely. However, those who didn’t can’t be blamed. And speaking from experience, most of the time when a family member or friend does try to interevene, to help, to support the woman, the abused person cuts off ties or changes the relationship, and only after she has been able to get to the point where she can leave, has reconnected with those who tried to help.
Kelly, I so understand you about the shame. It’s incredibly difficult to deal with, and I think it’s the aspect of my own abusive relationship that I’m still struggling with.
Peace and love to you. You are worth more than he ever knew.
Kelly — Thank you so much for sharing your story, especially for shining a light on the isolation and shame that comes with being abused. Quite simply, everything he ever said, everything he ever did to hurt you — he was wrong. You survived — YOU survived — because you are strong, because you deserve peace and safety and love — and you shall have all of these things.
Thank you for sharing, for hopefully helping someone else to stand up and walk away. Praying that you find peace soon.
Peace, love, and healing. Keep moving forward and become the beautiful creature that God created when he made you.
The emotional effects of abuse always have much more far-reaching impact than the physical ones. Unless the abuser actually kills the victim, the memories remain for life. And they can be triggered by any number of things. A woman I know flinches every time she hears a man’s voice raised. It doesn’t matter who the voice is directed at, it doesn’t even have to sound angry. She functions, and she’s pretty well adjusted — after a lot of work — but the reflex is still there.
Nobody here is going to blame you for not leaving or running for help or “doing something”. There’s nobody here that believes you were being a “drama queen” or that you “brought it on yourself”. We know. We believe. We’ve all seen it. Many of us have experienced it firsthand.
The bruises will heal. The broken bones will mend, and the scars will fade. The lasting damage — as you’re learning — is deeper inside where it’s not so easy to treat, and impossible to see for anybody but you. I’m certainly no expert in the field, but it seems to me that the first step is to be kind to yourself. Even if you don’t think you deserve it, even if nobody else will. If you have to be the only one, then be the only one. But be gentle with yourself.
You know, somewhere inside, you know that this wasn’t your fault. A man beat you and choked you and belittled you and treated you as “less than”. And there’s no reality, no reason, no excuse that makes that okay. Even if if you had done something knowing it would trigger this reaction, him hitting you is not okay.
I hope you’ll take the comments here and keep them close to you. I hope they bring you comfort. I hope they give you strength when you need it most, on those days when you forget, or you’re not sure anymore.
Most of all, I thank you for taking the step of telling your story here. I hope it’s given you some measure of comfort. I know it’s given someone else somewhere a measure of hope.
Much love.
“…never be a bystander of abuse…”
Thank you for putting this out there. Thanks for sharing.
Kelly, you are so brave for speaking out. Thank you for sharing your story. Bruises heal, but words hit harder than a fist. The shame is unbearable, I know, but you will heal. Hugs and lots of love to you.