I am sorry that you were left waiting for your ending. I am sorry that you ever had a story for which you needed an ending. I wish you peace, and words to tell your daughter about the story that has now, in one sense, ended.
BUY PHENTERMINE OVER THE COUNTER, [Editor's note: There are still dozens of survivor stories in the queue and they are posted in the order in which I received them; however, every once in a while a submission is moved to the front of the line because of the immediacy of the teller's situation, such as in the case of Kate back in March. Today's survivor is not in any danger, but it will become obvious why your support is needed now. Kelly contacted me back in the beginning to tell her story, but she didn't turn it in until last week, order PHENTERMINE online c.o.d. She had started it but couldn't figure out how to end it. Fourteen days ago, the ending found her.]
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I became pregnant with her in the fall of 1996. PHENTERMINE dosage, I remember vividly sitting on the nutmeg colored carpet in our latest apartment. I remember looking at blank walls and a positive test. I remember my fear and my determination. I knew that this was one thing that I would not allow him to take from me, BUY PHENTERMINE OVER THE COUNTER. I remember speaking the words with trembling hands. I did not waiver, purchase PHENTERMINE online no prescription, though, as he shook his head over and over again no...no...no. You will get rid of it or you will leave. Real brand PHENTERMINE online, He drove me to my parents' home the next day. BUY PHENTERMINE OVER THE COUNTER, I waited for her birth lost and alone. I waited for his call that never came.
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It was five years and a string of men who all treated me the same way later that I saw him again. BUY PHENTERMINE OVER THE COUNTER, Drunk, high, and separated from his wife, he came in where I worked. I touched my hair and felt my face. My stomach still lurched, he still had that pull and he knew it. He wanted pictures of her, buy PHENTERMINE from canada, wanted to know if I was raising her right. I spent ten days with him as my family feared every moment. Ten days of drugs and chaos and memories and proof that nothing had changed, BUY PHENTERMINE OVER THE COUNTER. He never asked to see her, PHENTERMINE over the counter, not once. I think he just wanted to prove that he could still control me. I told him many, many things during those days that I had never said. I asked him many questions that still held no answers, PHENTERMINE street price. BUY PHENTERMINE OVER THE COUNTER, One night on a binge he put a gun to his head and told me if I left him again he would kill himself. I told him he had better go home and be a good dad to the kids he had with his wife. I told him that someday my daughter would ask and that those people would be the ones who better have something good to say about him. I swore it would not be me.
Time has had a way of softening memories that once held me so tight. PHENTERMINE from canada, Years passed. I married, became a mom again, moved away, moved on, BUY PHENTERMINE OVER THE COUNTER. Infrequently I would hear through the grapevine that he had gotten a new job, or went back to jail or rehab or moved. My daughter grew and I began to wonder what I would tell her one day. I wondered how I would make her understand. I fully believe that it was she alone that saved me and I thought often of the ways that I would tell her. BUY PHENTERMINE OVER THE COUNTER, I hoped that she would not hate me for taking her away from him. I hoped with all my heart that by the time she was grown that he would finally be okay.
She called me two nights ago at 4am. She, the other one. The one he had married, the one that he had had babies with that he actually held. She told me that she was sorry but that he had died. I thought it was a sick, twisted joke.
Died, BUY PHENTERMINE OVER THE COUNTER. Heart attack. Uppers. Downers. Sorry.
Died. BUY PHENTERMINE OVER THE COUNTER, Dead. Funeral.
And in an instant my memories became all my own and my pain became confusing. And no one knows whether to say "I'm sorry" or "thank God." My feelings rush to the surface in an embarrassing mess. I cry and then I am thankful and then I cry again. I guess that I will someday tell her that he didn't make it until she was old enough to know. And I will hide my anger and bury it back in the far depths of me where no one dares to tread. I will know that he was selfish even in his own death.
I already knew that he had his ending.
I guess now I have mine.
Kelly blogs at And Then She Writes..
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
Delayed RT..should hv seen this sooner! @MaggieDammit Today's survivor REALLY needs your virtual hug: http://violenceunsilenced.com/kelly/
Thank you for sharing, you truly have something to be grateful for: that you got away. Nobody deserves what you got. And I hope that his wife didn't have to go through it, or that his kids had to go through it. Because you found something good with someone new, and nobody should have to go through what you did!
I'm happy for your ending.
I just want to say thank you so very much to each of you that have made a comment, left support and encouragement. I appreciate it more than you know. I consider myself *lucky* to have gotten away from this man and from the grip he held so tightly on me... I almost feel lighter now knowing that he can never hurt me again. I am in a very wonderful marriage now, with ooodles of kids and am overall very happy and proud of my life. Thank you Maggie for allowing me to share this part, I am sure that it will help with my closure.
I don't know what to say except that I am sorry. I'm sorry you had to go through all of it, and I'm sorry that you're suffering a loss now that's probably painful and confusing all at once. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. Every day when I read the stories here, I think about how many women could be helped and given strength through the strength of you and the other people who have shared.
Never feel bad that your daughter's father wasn't in her life. That was a blessing for both of you and a gift you gave to her. The cycle is now broken.
I fully believe, that your daughter will help you tell her when it comes time to share. And that in some ways, she will already know, maybe not the details, but of the traumatic life you once lived and all of the pain it brought you.
I hope you are able to process some of your emotions and to really heal from all of the pain you have been carrying. You did a great thing by getting away! This is a beautifully written chapter to your life, despite the ugliness you experienced. Thank you for sharing!!
How does life get so messed up! I'm sad for your pain, I hope you are getting some peace finally and that you are able to be free of the immense pain and sadness from all you have been through
There is no easy way to answer these questions...
I'm 43 and it's only been the last 2 years since my own story surfaces. It's only been 6 years since my last beating.
My daughter is going to be 21 next year. She was so angry at me for years and didn't understand why I stayed through the abuse (not her father). She never really knew the stories of what happened to me as a child, the ones that somehow stake a claim on your insecurities and feed them to you in an endless stream of abuse.
Someday she will. I'm in the process of writing it all out...all the pain, each wound and hurt I ever suffered. My daughter knows I'm writing this book, she wants to read it when it's all finished. I'm so not ready for that...but our daughters need to know the truth at some point...don't they?
Thank you for sharing your story dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo
I have no doubt, not even the smallest hopeful shred, that your daughter is better off never knowing her father. Those other children that he did hold? I fear what else he did. Those stories will out, too, in time.
You are so strong for keeping your daughter from him, for leaving and staying away. Thank you for sharing your story here.
Maybe God had mercy on you and your daughter, and gave you closure. I'm sorry he couldn't find the right way. Big hugs.
Wow, your story really, really moved me. I can't speak for why things happen the way they do, and we can all attest that life doesn't always make sense, but I hope and pray that YOU and YOUR daughter will find peace. It isn't about him anymore, what he may or may not have had coming, that's not for any of us to judge. Maybe his death will spare your daughter from knowing who and what her father truly was, maybe it will spare her pain, maybe it will save you both.
I hope that you're looking forward and not back, and know that telling your story will give great strength and courage to those who need it. Thank you for sharing it.
I just wanted to add my thank you to the many you've already received. Like you, I'm not sure whether to say "I'm sorry" or "Thank God"... but know that you sharing your story has made a difference to many.
I hope some day when you share this part of your life that your daughter understands the blessing that she is, and the strength she gave you.
Thank you for baring your soul like this, I know it will be one that touches a heart too scared to leave. And you'll give them strength.
I cannot imagine such horror from someone you love, but I'm glad it's only a memory for you now. I understand your conflicted feelings about his premature death, especially after my wife's estranged and abusive father died unexpectedly a couple years ago, without ever having seen his grandchildren.
She still goes back and forth on how she feels about it, but her thoughts that he was somehow selfish even in death, as you say, definitely come back again and again.
I think overall, it's better that he's gone, so you are free to tell your story as it was, without him and his lies and manipulation muddying the waters at any point. Good luck.
I can understand how confusing and upsetting that Blessing was to your life!
One thing from your post though ~ do not hold that anger inside, do not allow him to remain a permanent part of your emotion. You were a victim once by someone else, and you can let it go.
Your daughter will be better off to learn of a memory, than to come face to face with an abusive person. ~My 18 year old daughter just had her first flash of reality with her father, and she looked him in the eye and said, so when little sis starts looking like mom, are you gonna hit her too?
(that was after she popped him back him in the jaw ~ she's a little more aggressive than mommy was at her age!)
Congratulations on your new life, your beautiful child and your courage!
I am sorry that your ending came about this way. Remember that your daughter knows you love her fiercely.
Someday when you decide the time is right, you will tell your daughter...and she will be proud of you. And grateful that you gave her a better life than her father could have. Blessings, love, and Light to you.
I read your story with a breaking heart and teasr in my eyes, and couldn't help but think - It's his ending. Not yours. Not your daughter's.
I think in time she will understand that you escaped to save the both of you.
Thank you for speaking out.
Focus on the positive, as so many have already said. There was areason you loved him, and it is that reason your daughter should be told. You saved her life...and she should also be told that as well.
Today's survivor REALLY needs your virtual hug: http://violenceunsilenced.com/kelly/
A horrible story told with such honesty and heartbreak...
Your courage is humbling and someday your daughter will see it too. Even if she can't understand it well enough to thank you, all of us do. Thank you for having the courage and walking away. You were so brave.
I'm glad you have an ending.
the greatest gift you ever gave your daughter was keeping her from watching her mother be abused.
thank you for sharing your story.
wishing you strength and love...
Kelly, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your baby girl. I want to call it a blessing he is gone now - but you have your daughter because of him and that you have her - is also a blessing.
Oh my! I tensed up just reading your story. I can't imagine living it. But thank you for sharing it. You did the right thing for your daughter and for yourself.
I read this, and I read the post you made on your own blog about it too. I wish I had an "easy" answer to the question "What the hell am I supposed to tell her now?" It's easy for me to armchair quarterback and say "Tell her the truth." But when she's ready for the truth you'll have to figure out on your own. Every child makes life better for his or her parents in some ways. In her case, she may very well have saved yours.
The converse is also true. You saved her life as well -- literally. And because you had the courage to leave, she never had to endure what you did. She never had to hide in a closet with a foot-shaped fur rug or feel guilty for years over not intervening in a fight like Nicole did.
But most of all, if you don't take anything else away from the comments here, know this: You were not to blame for what happened to him. He was the instrument of his own destruction. He was very nearly the instrument of yours and your daughter's as well.
By putting your story down in words you've broken the control he had over you for years. Maybe it'll take more than this to finish the job, but you've made a huge start if nothing else. For yourself, for your daughter and for all the other Kelly's who will read this later on. By breaking the silence, you broke the cycle. And when it's done, your daughter will owe her success and her happiness to that. Because of you, she is free. She may never understand it all. You may never understand it all. But you saved her from the horrible scary parts of your life, from the scars, from the lingering doubts.
One day she'll realize this and thank you for it. Until that day, I'll do it for her. Thank you for saving yourself so that you could be here to share your story.
Thank you for having the courage to do that.
Thank you for raising a daughter that won't have to be another victim in the cycle.
Most of all, thank you for telling all the current and future Kelly's in the world that they're not alone and that they don't have to live this way.
Some day one of them will thank you too.
Kelly, Maybe it's a milestone, the end of a chapter, or maybe it's his ending but it's probably not your ending. I'm praying for you to find peace and healing.
Bless you for sharing your story. Your journey gives hope for others in bad situations, and for those who may need to make a phone call on behalf of someone in a bad situation.
Wow Kelly--thank you for sharing that! So well-written. I'm so glad you and your daughter made it through!
Every time I read one of these, I think that it can’t possibly affect me anymore, but it always does. As someone whose mother was a “Kelly,” believe me when I say that you did one of the greatest things you ever could for your child by getting away from him. By stopping the madness from perpetuating into her life. By protecting her from him (NOT taking her from him).
Because she didn’t have to live through this nightmare, she might not understand. She might even resent the absence of her “real” father. I’m hoping she doesn’t for both of your sakes. (I think that if I had not seen with my own eyes, heard with my own ears, and felt with my own body the wrath of my father, I’d probably think my mother made it all up. My father was that much of a charmer. God only knows how many people still don’t know the truth.)
Her father had to have had at least one redeeming quality – or flashed some occasionally – or you would never have fallen for him. Share that with her. But, it’s very important that you share the details of the abuse with her, too. She deserves the truth, painful as it may be. (If she’s old enough to understand, show her this site. There’s enough stories on here to make her aware.) It’s important that things are not always what they seem and that she knows she can always come to you if she should find herself in a bad situation.
God bless you for what you endured and thank God that you lived to tell the tale. Ideally, his death brings a chance at true peace to both him and you. May that prove to be the case for you and your daughter.
I'm not sure either which to say. Mostly I say Thank God, because now that pull is gone and you can let him go once and for all. But I do say I'm sorry, because even though he was a bastard, he was your daughter's father and that doesn't make it easier.
I'm sorry that you went through that. And I'm thankful you shared your story.
Kelly, I don't even have words for this. THANK YOU for writing this, and for sharing it with all of us. This was tremendously powerful.
Sending support, luck, and all the peace you deserve.
Wow powerful story. Thanks for sharing. God bless you for having the courage to pick up and start a new life for your daughter!
Kelly...wow. I know my own story inside out, but to read your words and feel them because they are so familiar...it does something new to me.
I'm so proud of you for writing this and sharing it. I don't know you (yet), but I do. Something about your story hit way too close to home for me today. I guess so many of us are more alike than we realize...until we share. Wow. (((HUGS)))