It has taken me a very long time to tell the details of my rape. Twenty-three years, in fact. My husband is the only one I have ever fully told. But I can not live with the silence anymore. It is eating me up inside.
I was thirteen and babysitting for a family friend. My mom dropped me off that evening. I brought a night gown with me. I was wearing a green turtleneck, and big bulky sweater with jeans that zipped up the left side instead of the front. I definitely was not dressed to draw attention to myself.
When I got there his wife was working in the kitchen, cooking fish and washing dishes. I was holding the baby. HE had been getting ready in the other room. He came into the living room and came over to me and the baby.
He played with the baby while I was holding him and that is when he kissed me. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything. I was in shock and worried about upsetting his wife. Then he decided to run out and get gas. He wanted me to ride with him, but I refused. He kept bugging me until finally his wife told him to leave me alone and go get gas. So he left for a little while. She got ready and I continued to play with the baby.
When they left for the concert, I called my Mom and begged her to come and get me when they got back instead of having me spend the night. I didn’t tell her why. She said she was not going to get up in the middle of the night when I could just stay where I was. I am not sure what I thought would happen if I told her, but it doesn’t really matter now.
That night when I got ready for bed I decided not to put on my gown. Instead I slept in my jeans & turtleneck on the couch. I remember lying on the couch and hearing someone in the bathroom. I could see the bathroom light go off and heard him walking towards me. I can still remember my heart pounding in my ears.
He was behind me, touching, kissing, and started searching the front of my jeans for the zipper. He tasted like chewing tobacco. Crying, I rolled away from him onto my left side to try and hide the zipper.
That is when he pulled away. At first I thought that was it, he was going back to bed. But instead he came around the couch and faced me. He found that damned zipper & readjusted my position on the couch. I pleaded with him to stop. I just remember saying over and over, “Please don’t do this, please, no. Please.” I was bawling.
He leaned into my body and again told me to just go along with him and it wouldn’t hurt. Then he kissed me harder than I have ever been kissed and pushed himself between my legs. I felt a searing, ripping pain as he put himself inside of me. I cried out. That is when he put his hand over my mouth.
I tried to push him off, but he was so strong. The more I fought, the rougher he got. So eventually I stopped struggling. Once I stopped fighting he kissed and played and had his way. When he finished he kissed me and said, “See, it wasn’t that bad.” He left me there alone to cry the rest of the night. I don’t know how his wife did not hear what happened, maybe she did. I have no idea.
I never babysat for them again. I have seen him twice. Once when a family friend got killed in a car accident and he was at the funeral, and once when I was out to eat with my husband. I have not spoken to him or had anything other than eye contact with him in all these 23 years.
He tried to contact me through Facebook this past spring. Of course I blocked his ass, but it just brought back all the Hell he put me through.
I am now trying to get past all of it. I am much stronger now than I was when I was 13 and he will not win this battle. I am going to continue to be the extraordinary person I am, despite what he did. He may have stirred up some terrible memories for me, but I will not let him hurt me again.
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Congratulations on telling your story. That took a lot of courage. Thank you for trusting us with your pain. What he did to you was terrible, but I am so happy that you are seeking out support and moving on from it. It doesn't matter that you didn't scream or talk about it until now - the fact is that you are no longer silent, and your voice has been heard. Thinking of you and wishing you the best. You deserve it.
Thanks for your story. It is important to remember/express/reaffirm that even when the rapist doesn't acknowledge it as such (i.e., contacting you like it was nothing, etc.) it is still real to us as victims. Be healed, Kimberly.
Everyone, It has been a while since I visited this page with my story on it. Thanks for all the wonderful comments and for still after all this time finding my story worth reading. This was one of many steps to healing the pain from all those years ago and I am in a much better place now. For those of you who struggle I want to say that peace is possible. After struggling for so long I started talking, I shared my story, and I started healing. I found a peace I couldn't find before. You can find it too. Remember, Always use your voice...even if it is shaking. Keep shaking and SHOUTING!
It takes a lot of courage to share an ordeal such as this. Thank you for finding the strength to tell your story. I'm sorry you had to endure such a terrible thing.
well done to you for sharing your story ! its a good start , i was raped by 2 men my friends father and son when i was 11 , i am now 46 and have just found the courage to go to the police ! they all live in my area , they have controled my life for too long ! and i hope to some day that you will find the strength and courage to go to the police , i am scared , but i know my soul will never be settled until i see them brought to justice ! take care .
He deserves to be punished for his actions....and hopefully his kid and wife are safe. Abusers often intimidate their wives, and keep them silent too.
For instance look at the sad and tragic death of this woman by her abuser..her 7and 8 yr old were too frightened to scream for help to save their mother...
I am glad you are stronger now and fighting for other kids and women being abused...
Such a terrible thing to have happen to you and carry on your own all these years. Thank you for sharing your story! Feel proud that you were able to take those steps in sharing your trauma, and have pride in your determination to not let him take any more from you than he already has.
I wish you peace and happiness.
Darling Woman - I'm so sorry for what happened to you. He stole your innocence and your childhood. I hope that if my 10 year old daughter is ever faced with something like this she will talk to me and I will listen. God, I hope and pray for that. I wish your mother had trusted your instincts. I thank you for sharing and getting this out of your body and soul and helping the rest of us. You poor dear, I'm just so sorry there are people in the world like this.
You don't know me and nor I you, but I do know that your story will give so many courage. YOU are courageous and powerful. I applaud you and your strength.
You are an inspiration. I'm not even sure how I came to follow you on Twitter, or to read your blog, but it was through you that I found Violence Unsilenced and shared my story and found the Survivor Mural Project and shared my art. Those were both important in my healing process... I can't thank you enough. I am so sorry for your experiences. You are such a strong woman. Thank you so much for using your voice and encouraging the rest of us to do the same. Prayers for a beautiful, calm and peaceful life!
Really? He facebooked you? What a disgusting arse. I remain in awe of you strong, brave women who share your stories. Thank you.
I was eating cookies while reading your story. The violent tears just started washing me again and I almost choked on the cookie. Had to spit it out.
I kept wondering why was I crying. Why am I hurting? Is it because of your story or the hidden pain of my own?
You are doing great. You are making it loud and he have to live with his silent evil in darkness and one day he will have to give account.
I'm sorry you are terrorirzed like this.
I'm sorry for your horrible experience. What a brave woman you are to tell your story.
Good for you for taking control of your life and not letting him hurt you again. You are strong. You are incredible. He is nothing.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, and speaking out, Kim.
Congratulations on the steps you've taken towards become a survivor.
THanks for sharing your story with us. I know it is hard but It feels good to get it out doesn't it? It's amazing and incredibly SAD how many people this type of thing has happened to.
Oh, Kimberly. You are so strong. What he did to you is unconscionable, and you deserved so much better. My rapist tried to contact me years later as well. It's awful to have him anywhere near my life, and I know you feel the same. A rapist is like a disease that infects the tissues of your life, and the closer he comes to you, the more involved he is in your thoughts and your life. I hope he never contacts you again. Be strong, be brave, and know that you are truly amazing.
"It is eating me up inside." I hope you find some relief. Thank you so much for the courage you summoned to tell the details of your story.
Thank you for bravely sharing your story. I can't believe he is still so horrifically clueless as to what he did to you to think contacting you would ever be ok. I hope you find peace. You are so strong.
He tried to contact you on Facebook??? What supreme nerve. I am so angry for what happened to you, so damn mad you had to suffer through all of this.
Thank you for adding your voice, telling your truth. May all the power and strength in the world be yours as you continue your fight for healing.
You're an extremely brave woman, Kimberly. It comes out right through in your words. I hope more people will be encouraged to speak out as well. I wish you peace and happiness.
Thank you for speaking out.
He is slime. It never ceases to sicken me to hear how they think what they've done is perfectly fine.
You are awesome. You are so brave to share your story.
What struck me the most about your story was this line:
"I definitely was not dressed to draw attention to myself".
As if you still feel the need to defend / justify / explain your 13 year old self. That man was in control regardless of what you were wearing. What's worse, he seems to have pre-meditated the whole thing.
I don't know what it is about those situations that keep children from confiding in someone they trust. But obviously there are adults that count on it.
Maybe stories like yours will help to "un-silence" someone in that situation. Thank you for being so brave and so strong.
Your strength and determination comes through in your writing, both here and on your blog. Please do not allow silence to eat you up inside. Please use your strength and determination to get the help you need to recover from this event. You’ve just taken an important first step – you found your voice and used it! What’s the next step?
I'm so sorry, Kimberly. Good for you for breaking your silence, and even more so, good for you for ignoring his 'friendship' request. I hope writing this gave you a little more peace.
You are so brave to share your story. You will encourage other young women to tell their stories, and speak out. God Bless you and your husband.
oh kimberly, he tried to contact you? I am constantly amazed at the way people can think such actions are ok. What he did to you is NOT ok. And you are a strong woman. Continued healing to you, thank you for speaking up.
You ARE an amazing and extraordinary being. That is something you will always, always be. Thank you for sharing your story, for speaking out, and for helping others to see more deeply the evil that rape is.