Krista’s Mom
Thursday’s entry was written by Krista. Today’s entry is written by Krista’s mom.
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Where to begin–nowhere is there a good place. My judgment of people was way off back then (too trusting can be a bad thing.) A man who has his 13-year-old daughter living with him (and she chose to live with him over her mother) asks me to marry him–sounds like a perfect setting for a second beginning, right?
So very wrong. Into the marriage a few years–not the best, but I didn’t think the worst other than the fierce temper. His son comes to lives with us. Suddenly his daughter runs away at 16–she was into pot, lying, cheating and partying, so I thought she needed to go be with her mother. She hated her father (with good reason, I find out later.) Again, stupidly or naively (or both), I have no clue.
We have a lot of money–the partnership he is in is doing well so there are lots of vacations and “stuff.” But the walls of our house witness the most horrific acts a mother can imagine. I find out years later that this went on not only when I was gone, but while I was in the house! How devastating is that to hear–me–who always said, “How can a parent NOT know that is going on?” Easy–the child is told her mother will be hurt if she tells anyone. And the abuse on me escalates. His son tries to break it up once and he goes after his son with a hammer. When you allow yourself to become a victim of abuse, your self-worth goes right down the tubes. You are unlovable, worthless, just someone the world would be better off without. But I digress… this isn’t just about me.
Go a few years later–the verbal abuse is excessive, truly unbearable, but I have no money and the partnership has gone bust. Since he is a control freak and keeps the checkbook locked in his truck and he pays the bills, I don’t think I have anywhere to take Krista and survive. And I would have taken his son, too–I wouldn’t leave him behind. But I can’t take them and go home to my parents–it’s not that easy with them–they’ve already loaned me money to pay bills since he was putting his paycheck up his nose. Then the physical abuse starts with me–again, the threats of death if anyone is ever told, or if we leave. But my “suffering” was nothing compared to what I was daily subjecting my daughter to by staying. Then the suicide attempt–all Krista did at the hospital was apologize to me, and all I could tell her was how much I loved her and that it was okay. What kind of parent am I where my daughter wants to leave? How could I not know? Like an imbecile, I thought she was an overachiever who couldn’t take it anymore. (the DUH factor)
Then came the day when she told me what had been happening. I wish it had been different. Of course I believed her–she would never say something like that if it weren’t true. Due to extenuating circumstances, I could not leave at that time–but I had a plan for everything to happen soon. I never knew if she truly understood my predicament but I explained to her as best I could. She went away to college and then came back the next weekend with her friends to help me move. Secretly. To a place where he couldn’t find me, and I knew Krista was safe away at school.
Then he comes home early (during the move) and Krista confronts him (I am not there right then, unfortunately. Of course he denies everything and his son is there hearing all this. He takes his father into another room and Krista is hysterical waiting for me. I get her to my new place and away from the house entirely.
Now no one in my family understands that I must be cordial to this man for the next five years (but I don’t have to live with him.) He has ruined us financially by not paying back taxes–if I’m not cordial, he will run away and leave the entire debt to me alone. I had to work three jobs to pay just my share. It took over 10 years, but I am finally out from under that cloud.
Years go by–Krista (who by now has graduated from college, living in Maui) and I are talking and she says, “You always knew” which shook me down to the core of my soul. “No, I didn’t.” “But I showed you my journal that day” (when she was 8). “It said what he had been doing to me.” “But the page I read just talked about how he was angry all the time and cussing and throwing things. That’s when I told you that I wouldn’t leave you alone in the house with him anymore.” “You didn’t read the page that talked about everything?” “No..”
Well, just writing about this right now makes my heart hurt so much and the tears won’t stop.
How could my child love me when she thought I stayed KNOWING WHAT WAS HAPPENING? She told me she always knew I loved her. But how? What kind of a monster am I to allow this? Hindsight is always 20-20. Looking back, there are so many clues albeit subtle and maybe not so subtle.
Present day: Krista and I are very close. She is a wonderful woman, mother, daughter, a beautiful person inside and out, and now has a love and family of her own. There is not a day that goes by that I do not thank heaven for the second chance I was given to be her mother. She chose to keep me in her life and forgives me for not only placing her in harm’s way, but keeping her there for what must have seemed an eternity. Oh–and his daughter? We’re close too–the reason she was into everything and picking fights and finally ran away? He was abusing her too–and she didn’t know how to get Krista and me out and away from him other than acting out. She didn’t know how to tell me. I’m so sorry she had to go through all that too.
Now his son is a different story. He knows what his sister has said and, unfortunately, has blocked that day when Krista confronted his father from his mind entirely. Doesn’t “choose” to remember it. And he has a daughter…. And keeps his father in his family’s life…. So, we do not see them anymore. We do not want to accidentally run into him ever again.
It’s going to take me a whole lot longer to forgive myself, if I ever truly do. I’m so lucky that Krista keeps me in her heart. She is the kindest and most loving and forgiving person I know–we could all take a lesson from her.
Please parents, siblings, friends, and yes, victims – pay attention to every nuance. There are places to go, people to talk to, so many possibilities available and damn the lack of finances! Living in a cardboard box is better than staying in an evil place, no matter how comfortable. When something seems off –even if it doesn’t appear so on the outside–get out. Listen to your heart. It’s usually right.
23 Responses to “Krista’s Mom”
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My, that could not have been easy to write.
I’m very glad that you and Krista are close now.
i am so proud of you, mom. proud of who you are, who you were, who you’ve always been. yes, i might look back and say that i wish some things had been done differently. but they weren’t and we’ve learned.
my wish for you is that you look in the mirror and know your worth. that you don’t look first to anyone else before deciding for yourself if you’re happy or pretty or smart or (insert adjective here.)
your story is so much more than the tip of the iceberg you’ve written here. i think of the girl growing up who always felt like a disappointment, the young woman who left her home only to find herself in an abusive first marriage with no one to turn to and then i think of the string of decisions that followed based on the idea that you just plain didn’t deserve more.
(and although my own father was not abusive, talk about INCOMPATIBLE!)
i am who i am because you love me the way you do.
i don’t blame you. i don’t.
i know your heart and that is enough.
i love you (and happy birthday yesterday!)
i meant what i said when i told you that i think finn chose you and i just got lucky by proxy.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am glad that both you and your daughter are safe and close with one another.
Thank you for sharing your side of the story. I’m so, so sorry for everything that happened to you both. I know all about having to be cordial to someone like this and I’m sorry.
I am so glad to know the two of you — actually the three of you — are still close. So many of these stories turn into mothers and daughters winding up estranged. It say so much about both of you that you not only still love and support each other, but that you’ve extended that same hand to someone else from the same situation. As heartbreaking as the story is, that’s just how uplifting it is to see you now.
I know it’s pointless to tell you not to second guess yourself, that it’s easy to Monday Morning Quarterback things like this with the benefit of hindsight. I know you’ll beat yourself up over it no matter what I say.
But I’m gonna say it anyway.
What I read in your words is the all-too-common story of a mother who thought as long as she was the lightning rod for the anger, the bitterness, the abuse that it would keep her abuser from turning elsewhere to vent his rage. And if there were subtle signs that you missed, it’s understandable. It’s hard to see the house across the street burning down when your own is being shaken apart by an earthquake. When all you can do is try to survive, it’s easy to miss any but the most obvious of signals.
Then add the threats of dire or even deadly consequences on top of that. Add the years spent tearing your self-esteem to shreds, the alienation of those who would support you, the isolation from anyone who might see things clearly or challenge his paradigm of What Should Be. Years of reinforcing the notion that you could not do better, of taking away everything to make you entirely dependent. Taking away not just the motivation to leave, but the means. Overcoming those obstacles is hard. And in your case, the possibility that he’d make good on his threats if you left was very, very real.
So even though it probably won’t have any effect, I’ll tell you anyway.
You are not to blame for what happened.
You didn’t “deserve” it.
You didn’t “ask for it”.
And when it mattered most, you got up and fought it.
There is no shame in this. Quite the opposite in fact.
And by telling your story here, you’ve let someone else know these same things. Someone who is reading her life story in your words. Someone who has not yet found the tipping point that will get her out and safe. But like you, she will. And it will be this very article that gets her there. You may never know it, but you’ve just given another mother, another daughter, another stepdaughter the hope and the belief that there’s life on the other side … if you can only get there.
Thank you.
I know you are afraid of people’s judgment, and I desperately, desperately want to insulate you from it.
I’m extremely glad for you that you and your daughter were able to forge an amazing relationship despite your past. It’s very hope-inspiring, that.
I just want to yell GOOD FOR YOU, MISS.
how immense for you to share your side as well. thanks to you both for shedding your own light in your own ways on your own survivorship.
Thank you for sharing your story, you are very courageous. It is awesome that you chose your daughter and yourself over him, that can be very hard to do, and a lot of people don’t do it. You DO have a wonderful daughter and I think you two are lucky to have each other.
Your story stills me. It stops me and makes me read slowly and carefully.
I feel so touched through your words that, as you can see, it’s hard to put into my own.
But you’ve done the right thing.
And I agree. Though I will hopefully never have the experience to verify it, a cardboard box is always better than living in an environment of abuse.
We do the best we can, and then we forgive ourselves for the rest and move forward, into the sunlight. Your daughter is such a beautiful woman (you can tell from across the room how much her heart shines) and I can’t help but think that you had something to do with that.
Be gentle with yourself.
This, right here, is the story of a strong woman.
And the story you’re writing now? Is one of healing, for you and Krista both.
Thank you for sharing.
It’s so hard to truly know when you yourself are hurting. I know in my case as long as my daughter wasn’t getting hit or abused…in some lopsided way I thought I was shielding her. What I didn’t realize is I could never hide the bruises or pain enough from her.
Years later when her anger blossomed outward and exploded toward me, even then I didn’t get it. Until one day she called me stupid and lashed out with examples of bruises peeking out of shirt sleeves, black eyes I hadn’t concealed near enough. Then the real kick in the stomache – most of the abuse happened when she was at her father’s. He lived around the corner. She told me she heard the screams, the threats things being broken…
It would take us a few more years to patch our relationship to build a lasting bond. Now as an adult I think she realizes sometimes we simply make mistakes and don’t know how to leave.
I’m so proud of you for telling your side of the story. Krista is a gem to me and I can see why she loves you unconditionally. Both of you showed tremendous courage telling your stories here. You’ve given more insight to the family dynamics of abuse than you realize.
Thank you for speaking out! (Hugs)Indigo
Thank you for sharing. I’m so proud of you and Krista.
You are both so brave!! I am moved by your stories, both of them.
What a shining example of a pair of very strong women. I can not imagine what you lived through, what you live with, but to know that you have both come together and forgiven and moved on and are now the best of friends makes this a success story. The past was horrible – VERY – but the present and the future look to be oh-so-good with the two of you so close. Congrats to you both for having each other. You are wonderful women.
You are as brave as your daughter, and I’m so glad you both came to this place to tell your stories. May you find the healing and peace you deserve.
This takes immense courage and a heart that is open beyond imagination. You are a good mom.
Thank you for having the courage to survive and to share your story.
You brave, brave woman. THank you for your brutal honesty.
Thank you for sharing this story. You have amazing strength to have come through all that and be able to talk about it. I know that your story will help others.
Good for you for writing it out and issuing your words of experience to others.
And thanks to Maggie for providing this forum.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. I honor your courage in writing your story and am happy that you and Krista have grown closer through healing from this sorrow rather than being torn apart.
I can’t imagine how hard that was to write… your courage and strength in taking responsibility for your daughter and getting out as soon as you could once you knew is amazing. She’s blessed to have such a wonderful mother.
Thank you for sharing your perspective and background. Bless you for your strength and courage.