Kristey
I just wanted him to hit me. I needed him to hit me. I didn’t consider that all the negative and foul things he’d said to me were enough to constitute me finally leaving. But he never hit me, he just pummeled me with his words.
Before we met I was happy, confident, accomplished and goal oriented. Within a year of being a couple I was jobless, broke, sobbing and felt ugly. I’d wake up in the morning and clean the house, scrub it to its bare bones, I’d make his dinners, I made sure I looked the best I possibly could. But it wasn’t enough, I didn’t clean properly, I cooked the wrong food, and I looked so disgusting I wasn’t even worth his time of day. My punishments would either be complete silence, he would completely ignore my existence for days or it would be the complete opposite, he would scream and yell until I cried, and then he would tell me that I must not care for him if I didn’t bother to do things the correct way.
Every day I was hurled insults, there were no guidelines he followed, anything that I did or anything about me was up for grabs. We lived in the same small apartment almost as roommates, we would share a bed and not touch. I was repulsive, and ugly to him. We had no sexual relationship to speak of instead he’d spend hours on his computer, chatting with other women and looking at porn. When I questioned him on it he told me that I could never expect him to be satisfied with me, I wasn’t ethnic enough, thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough. The only half a dozen times we were together he was too drunk to have any memory of what was really going on.
Around 7 months into our relationship we were invited to a New Year’s Eve wedding. I spent all afternoon bathing, and pampering myself, I bought an appropriate dress and shoes and for the first time in a long time felt pretty. When he came home and walked through the door and the first thing he said to me was that I looked like a whore, yet for some reason that night was the first time I told him I loved him. I didn’t hear it back for 5 months later, and it was only said because I finally stood some ground and asked him why he even wanted me around if he disliked me so much.
Over two years later I finally worked up the courage to leave him when I found myself pregnant with a daughter, the last thing I wanted was for her to grow up thinking that’s how a normal father treats a mother. I refused to let her see me treated that way, if I couldn’t stand up for myself the least I could do would be to stand up for her.
I left and went into a form of hiding, I take every step praying that he won’t be around the corner. When I left I didn’t share my situation with many, I was afraid I was making too big of a deal out of nothing. I felt that he never actually hurt me so I have nothing to complain about. But as I stand here almost 3 years later I realize that I’m still crushed by those words. I still feel those insults heavily on my shoulders. I thought I could ignore it and move on but I find myself unable to crawl from under that rock without sharing what I went through. Physical violence is never to be tolerated, but I never want to live another moment thinking emotional violence isn’t as bad and can just be swept under the rug.
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Kristey blogs at Little Moe Peep.
47 Responses to “Kristey”
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I applaud you for leaving and making a better life for your child. Words can be so hurtful and you can never ever take them back. I wish you peace.
First off, thank you for sharing your story. Verbal and emotional abuse is just that — abuse. You may not have physical scars, but I know from experience that the emotional scars take far longer to heal.
I’m glad you got out of there and that you had the courage to share your story.
I hope that with stories like yours more people will understand that abuse takes many shapes and forms, it doesn’t always come in the form of a fist.
You’re a strong woman. You did it – you got out. I appreciate your story because you’re so right. The emotional abuse is soul-crushing.
the stuff i remember…the stuff that haunts me?
the words. the tone of voice. the insults.
those scars run deeper, it seems. as if we’re supposed to take it.
sticks and stones?
words ALWAYS hurt me.
i’m so proud of you for getting your daughter out of there.
i was that daughter.
it’s no way to live.
You’re right, and I think the most important thing we can do as mothers is show our daughters how women should be treated by not accepting anything less than respect from people in our lives. That was strong and brave of you. You gave your children a gift, as well as giving one to yourself.
The words stick – don’t they?
I’ve been out of my second marriage for a year and a half now and I’m still recovering bits and pieces of myself that he blew away with his words.
(((u)))
Good for you in getting out and getting back to you.
When I was married, I used to think if he just HIT me, that would be enough to make me leave; emotional scars are so long lasting. I have been divorced for going on 7 years now and I STILL hear his words sometimes. Bravo to you, truly.
Thank you for sharing your story, I’m glad that you found the courage to be able to leave. Verbal abuse is abuse.
Thank You for sharing but Im PROUD of YOU for LEAVING cause abuse is sbuse no matter what way it come verbal physical or mental we gurls have to be strong cause now today their are many girls/women out ther still taking verbal abuse and they dont know that sooner or later it just might become physical but wonderful you got out
The words are the worst. They play in an endless loop long after ears stop ringing. Scars on the soul are the hardest to acknowledge; bless you for sharing your story with us. You are strong and courageous- because of you, your daughter will not suffer the horror.
Namaste, Kristey.
Words leave scars too. Bless you for getting out for your daughter even if you couldn’t for yourself.
good for you.
blessings.
Good for you for getting out with your daughter, your right, she didn’t need to grow up with that. Prayers for you.
leaving a pebble. Good for you. This kind of insidious abuse can leave such deep scars, and looking at them head-on is a huge step towards healing.
Whoever wrote the ditty “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” never walked a mile in your shoes.
It is funny how our children will get us to do things for them that we will not do for ourselves.
I am glad that you left with your daughter. I am happier that you found your voice and shared your story.
I just want to say that back in 2007-08, I worked with seven survivors of domestic violence to tell their stories for a magazine article. These seven women had been through unimaginable horror. Unimaginable horror.
One of the seven women lost her nerve in the middle of the process. We were photographing these survivors, using their full names, and though she’d moved across the country from her abuser she was utterly terrified of him. She feared for her life, she feared provoking him, she literally shook when she talked about him. She backed out of the piece, though in the end she came back, gulped down her tremendous fear, and participated.
Of the seven women, she was the only one who had not been physically battered by her abuser. He “only” verbally abused her. She was scared to death of him and he never once laid a hand on her.
Emotional abuse counts. Believe.
Brava, lady, for finding the strength to share this with us, for realizing that you deserve so much more, and for taking those very difficult steps to protect your daughter from ever hearing those words. (((hugs)))
Kristey, although I was physically abused it was the never-ending emotional abuse that I think scarred me the most. NEVER feel that what you endured was not abuse. It was. It is the most insiduous kind. Please consider getting some counseling or into a support group. You need to know that there is NOTHING wrong with YOU. It’s all HIS issues.
You are a very strong women for standing up to him and leaving! One day your daughter will thank you. At least she will now know that she deserves better just like you do!
Thank you for sharing your story. You are a very brave and strong person. Your daughter was blessed to be born to a mother who loved her enough to know when to escape. Hold in there.
I think in many ways it’s the emotional abuse that leaves the deepest scars. I dare you to find a relationship that involves physical abuse that does not also involve some sort of emotional/mental abuse. But there are many, many examples of relationships that involve emotional/mental abuse that never get physically abusive.
You did the right thing: for your daughter, and for yourself. YOU ARE STRONG.
A big hug to you and I am proud of you for getting out of there, then continuing your healing by sharing your story. Verbal abuse is abuse. I hope one day you can get his voice out of your head and realize that you are strong, wise and beautiful.
I left a similar situation for the same reasons. Proud of you. You are beautiful and you are worthy. No matter what the voice in the back of your head says. You are worthy.
Does it count? You bet it does. Just because you can’t deliver an emergency Room bill as evidence doesn’t mean it didn’t cut you to the bone. I know too many people who have been down that very same road and still aren’t sure if the relationship they were in was abusive or simply dysfunctional. In my mind, if you’re questioning whether or not it’s abusive, it probably is.
I’m glad you got out, whatever it took to get you there. Because I read Maggie’s article that she spoke of in her comment above, and the fear that the woman she mentions was palpable, even through the pages of a magazine.
Your story is an important one. Because far too often victims of this kind of torment and abuse don’t think of it as “real”. When you speak for yourself, you speak for them as well. And what you say is that no abuse is okay. Thank you.
Much love.
Physical scars heal, emotional scars last for to long.
Thank you for having the courage to leave and having the courage to tell your story.
Your daughter has a brilliant example of courage in you. I’m so glad that you walked out on that piece of filth….
My mom both physically and verbally abused me. And the hurt that still lives within my soul is the verbal. Those words are seared into my heart.
You are a strong woman for putting your child before yourself. I hope that someday you will find the kindness you deserve and love that is out there for you.
Kimberly
As someone who recently left a man who was emotionally abusive, but didn’t hit, I understand this so well. I’m proud of you for leaving and for sharing your story here. Wishing you many good things, and sending strength and love…
my ex-husband hit me. he actually did hit me. but what i remember most the first night i slept alone in my first apartment away from him was the silence. i had to go to sleep with my ipod because it was so quiet. and i had not had quiet in over 4 years. he used to scream at me from the moment we’d wake up to the moment he’d fall asleep and i didn’t realize that until i couldn’t sleep, not because of the insults, but because of the peace i felt. because i had no-one calling me stupid, crazy, whore, psycho and suddenly there was quiet. and i was free.
i won’t lie to you. 3.5 years later the scars are still there. but they don’t hurt anymore. they are a reminder of my independence. they will be a reminder of YOUR independence. of your strength. of your resilience. of your incredible soul.
you are stronger than you will ever know by walking away. and that strength will be passed on to your daughter. she will see how strong you are, how proud, how tall you walk. you are beautiful, and special, and we love you. we are here for you. thank you for sharing.
I know what you mean. The physical violence is not nearly as bad as the emotional violence.
Emotional violence is so draining on everyone who endures it. Bravo to you for being strong enough, if not for you then for your daughter, to break out of that relationship. I pray that you will some day be able to be in a caring, loving relationship in which you don’t have to feel bad about yourself.
I’m glad you left for your daughter. No child should have to endure that. And I’m glad you left for you. Sometimes the emotional pain is greater than the physical.
*loves you*
*Hugs you*
You are an amazing woman.
Really, you are.
You were so right to leave before your daughter was exposed to the verbal abuse. She may even have become a victim of it. i hope you can soon find a way out from under all those insults forever.
Your daughter is lucky to have you as a mom. You’re amazing!
You did the right thing, and I’m SO glad you left when you did. My story sounds just like yours, except I was married to an emotionally abusive man for 28 (yes, 28) years before I got the nerve to leave. I always thought it was better for our 3 children to have their father there. I was wrong. My youngest was 18 when I left my husband. It was the best day of our lives. We are recovering. Both in therapy to try to quiet the mean, hateful words he spread every day, that will never, I suppose, go away. My youngest is a quiet, thoughtful soul, and his father took that as a weakness and preyed on it. I’m not sure he will ever speak to his father again. My older two sons left home before I did, and when I divorced, they applauded. They have sketchy, at best, relationships with their father.
I have spent the past 6 months celebrating life, and learning that not only am I a survivor, but I’m actually a good person. Occasionally I have friends remind me to get my ex out of my head (when I think I’m fat, ugly, worthless, etc.). I have wonderful friends who, despite being banned from my life by my ex, have managed to support me steadfastly.
I wish you all the best. Lean on your family and close friends. They know the real you and that you are relevant and worthy!
~hugs
I must say that having been in an physically and abusive relationship for many years I can relate to your experience. The bruises always heal but the words never go away. After many years of having time to think about the whole situation and having a great support system. I know it isn’t and wasn’t about us, they said what they said because they feel so bad about themselves that it takes making someone else feel bad to make themselves feel better. Please know that you are a beautiful person and you deserve only the best life has to offer for yourself and your daughter. Never settle for less than the best ever! I wish you healing and happiness and you are a hero for your daughter because you left.
I’m happy you had the courage to leave that man for yourself and your child. You did the right thing and the brave thing. You are a good person and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Thank you for sharing your story. Emotional and verbal abuse leaves its scars, only you can’t see them.
You know, bruises heal. But emotional wounds… Gosh, I’ve still got some from 20 years ago. Leaving was the best decision you’ve ever made. And protecting your daughter is something you should be very proud of.
Thank you for having the courage to survive and to share your story.
I’m going to agree with everyone else who already commented, emotional abuse is just as bad, or even worse, than physical. And the fact that you were able to finally see what was going on and get out of there is truly commendable. People don’t realize just how badly their words can affect someone – or how long it can take to heal. I still remember offhand comments made around me when I was maybe 7 years old that to this day make me doubt myself. Take care, and stay strong.
You’re a strong person for walking out on him. I just saw your daughter’s pictures on your blog. She looks so healthy and beautiful. Good luck to both of you
~ Jaded16
Sometimes the emotional stuff is actually worse than anything physical would be. It’s certainly easier to internalize it and perpetuate the thought processes it sets into play, and a lot harder to root out and identify as clearly wrong. Acknowledging that it’s not a healthy relationship pattern takes a great deal of strength, and I’m glad you and your daughter made it out safely.
I am so glad you found the ability to be courageous for your daughter. You saved her life, and she saved yours. Bless you both.
I am grateful that you had the strength to leave for you and for your daughter. It is sad to know of the emotional abuse you endured. I rejoice in what you spared your daughter of.
Remember you were as innocent and worthy of love as your daughter.