Kristie
Things I’ve Learned
· Constantly being screamed at, belittled, badgered, and accused of doing things that are completely normal as though they’re not… is emotional torture.
· Making eye contact with people, telling your cashier to have a nice day, and looking out the car window when someone else is driving are normal human behaviors.
· Emotional torture is abuse.
· A person can know in his/her head that the bullshit an abuser spews is completely untrue and still become mentally damaged.
· Getting arrested can be the best thing to ever happen to a person.
· A damaged soul can heal and become stronger than anyone ever imagined.
My name is Kristie and I survived an emotionally torturous relationship. I met a man when my self-esteem was low. I allowed that man to move into my apartment and treat me horribly. I accepted the cycle of violence as a way of life. I subjected my innocent young children to venomous verbal abuse and sleep deprivation, and I taught them to walk on eggshells in an effort to appease a man who could not be appeased.
I have been stalked, almost run off the road, almost stabbed in the head with scissors, and straddled on my bed with his knees pinning my arms down while he screamed in my face and spit on me.
I have called 911 and been told by responding officers that my problem is civil and they can’t help me. I have been asked by my neighbors if he ever screamed that he was going to kill me and denied it. I have hidden my hellacious home life from my family.
I’ve been arrested for hitting the man who had me cornered and repeatedly flicked a lighter so the flame would ignite in my face. My arresting officer told me it’s not OK to be treated the way my live in “boyfriend” treated me and my kids. He told me how to get a protective order, and he arranged to get me before a magistrate, recommended release on recognizance, and got me to the daycare to pick up my kids before they closed.
I went to court for my arraignment, then went before another judge down the hall and was granted a one year protective order. Weeks later I showed up for my trial with a lawyer I couldn’t afford and was lucky that he wasn’t there. My case was not prosecuted because the prosecutor didn’t have a witness.
At 12:01 a.m. on the day my protective order expired, he called me. I told him to fuck off and never call me again. He called about every three months for two years but never did show his face again. I was not afraid of him anymore and he knew it. He finally gave up and stopped calling.
I learned how to function like a normal person again. I forced myself to make eye contact with people and look straight ahead when I walk instead of down at the floor. I learned how to embrace physical touch instead of flinching. I re-programmed my brain so that I could pick up the phone and call my mother without being afraid of the consequences. I’ve learned how to make friends after being isolated from everyone who didn’t live in my apartment. I’ve learned that I AM SMART and I AM NOT WORTHLESS. I’ve learned that I am important to people in both my personal and professional lives.
Ten years later I am a strong person. I am not easily intimidated. I have a strong sense of humor and the ability to draw people in. I am able to help people who are like I used to be. I volunteer on a domestic abuse hotline and I can tell people who don’t know how to put their emotional torture experience into words that they don’t have to because I KNOW.
I am successful and I have accomplished everything he said I never would — and more. I won. He lost. I am a survivor.
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Kristie blogs at Ponderous Rambling.
27 Responses to “Kristie”
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You learned another lesson that you didn’t include in your list. Abusers are, at their core, nothing more than bullies and cowards. Sure, there’s a small percentage with genuine psychoses, but the typical abuser is only removed from the schoolyard bully who picks on the smaller weaker kids by the passage of years. And they respond the same way when the smaller weaker kid stops taking it.
You took back the power, took back your life, and I for one could not be prouder or happier to see it. But best of all, you haven’t stopped there. Your work is empowering others, and your story here is an extension of that.
Thank you. For the ones you’ve helped find the way out of the dark, and the ones you will, thank you. Your story — and you — are a gift.
AMEN, AMEN, AMEN! Your story is great on so many levels that I hardly know where to start.
First, BIG hugs to you for sharing it, and second, for using your experience as a way to help others as a volunteer.
Third, congratulations for finding the strength and the courage to realize what a great person you are. NEVER let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Fourth, what a marvelous example you’ve set for your children. And finally, kudos to you for setting countless others straight on the many forms that abuse can take.
If you haven’t already, it sounds like you are well on your way to finding the peace and happiness you so richly deserve.
Thank you.
Thank you for hitting him back.
Thank you for not giving up and going back – as scary as it must have been.
Thank you for listening to the arresting officer.
Thank you for making your kids safe that way.
Thank you for volunteering your self, volunteering to have it dredged back up and remembered and re-freshened in order to help others.
Thank you for saying it here, particularly because someone could stumble across it and be spurred to action.
And I’m sorry. I am genuinely sorry that something so incredibly wrong happened to you. Sorry has nothing to do with fixing it, but I’m lifting up my sorrow for you to see, to acknowledge the wrongness of it with you.
You’re an amazing and brave woman. Thank you for sharing your story, and more importantly, thank you for helping others.
God bless you.
Thank you SO much for sharing your very inspirational story. Congratulations on realizing that you are strong, and -staying- strong.
May God bless and keep you always, Kristie. Thank you for sharing your story this morning. It’s inspiring to see someone claim victory, emerging from oppression and fear. Keep doing what you’re doing. Your post about the encounter at the swimming pool provides a wonderful example of how you (and each of us) can change the world.
I’m praying for victims everywhere still living in the nightmare.
Thank you for sharing your story, Kristie. I am impressed with your strength and fearlessness now, in the face of your history as you volunteer at the domestic abuse line, and I hope that your future is bright and successful. Thank you!
Good for you. That reprogramming isn’t easy or always successful. I’m glad things worked out for you.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
YES!! You are awesome! You are so brave! And, yes, you did win!
Such courage, such passion, such bravery you tell your story with. Thank you.
I am so inspired by your courage and determination! Thank you for digging deep within yourself to tap your inner strength and take a stand for yourself, your children, your dignity and for all victims of abuse and violence. You are a true hero! By sharing your story the seeds of courage and strength are spread to the winds! You never know where they will land and germinate! Thank you!
How wonderful that you turned it around and gained strength enough to help others help themselves. That is awesome.
Wow! I totally could have written this post, nearly word for word.
Your strength gives me strength. Thank you!
And thank you for sharing and for being a light to others who need help.
I’ve been there, Kristie and I’m sorry. I’m so glad that we both got out before it was too late. Thank you for sharing. I’m honored to know you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure that your experiences help and inspire those that you seek to help/
yes, you certainly are
good for you.
really, really good for you.
Thank you for sharing. Its never an easy thing to do and you did it wonderfully. Bravo on getting help and getting out
Good for you!
Thank you! Thank you for sharing, and helping others.
Well done for having the courage to talk and to stay away from the traps of all that.
Thank you for sharing your story. I admire that you refused to let the lies you were told seep into your soul and that you have done so much to help others.
It’s so hard to talk about the abuse that doesn’t leave physical bruises or scars – because as you’re dealing with it, you somehow convince yourself that it’s “not that bad”. But it is – and you survived, and turned your life around. Your strength is inspiring…
I know what it’s like to have to look for confirmation that I am not the crazy one, that I’m not the one who’s gone entirely off the deep end. You said it so well. Thanks for sharing.
[...] them sent me back almost ten years to a time when I lived with a man just like him. Insults were hurled daily, I was deprived of sleep while he raged in the middle of the night, and [...]