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It wasn’t my younger brother's fault certainly. He walked in. Saw. Backed out of the dark room into the hall. Left me alone. He was only five years older than me. He was … I won’t speak for him. His cowardice is his own.
My mother. Was it her fault? The beatings started with my oldest brother. The elder brother escaped with high school. It was far from our house, where can i order ZETIA without prescription, he didn’t have to return for lunch. He went to high school before I ever started elementary school. He was ten years older. But didn’t she beat my middle brother too? Because then there were just us two. By the time I was in grade two, Japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, middle brother escaped to high school. Brothers, why didn’t it stop.
Why did neither of you speak out, buy cheap ZETIA no rx. ZETIA FOR SALE, I knew that C hurt me when he babysat and K saw. So it must be all right.
I knew they both knew I was beaten by mom at lunch. Online ZETIA without a prescription, Most lunches. Year after year. Shame and fear. And they left me alone with her. So that must be all right too.
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So I knew it must be all right. Order ZETIA from United States pharmacy, I had friends. I went out with them. I spoke. Plastic words, underneath wondering what their families did to them. I knew they did something to them of course. Everyone did. Yes. Friends. I wondered what your families were doing to you.
And the years after? Why we tried to be a family. Us three. Without speaking. But when I wanted to speak out, ZETIA canada, mexico, india, about something real, Buy ZETIA from canada, I was shamed, blamed “you are just like mother” “my sister is a loser” “god gave you a pretty face but you have to work on your body yourself."
I was silenced. Shut down. ZETIA FOR SALE, But now I am far away. I still fear you. My stomach turns writing this and remembering this. Years of cycles of therapy. Of telling the boyfriend I lived with and working through a layer. Of moving away and being so free.
Of going back to university, where can i buy ZETIA online. Oh the pride. I went back to school. No prescription ZETIA online, I moved back. Of moving back into that cycle of shame. “come live with us until you find a place” “stay until Christmas” then “you need to move out” “I’ll see if I can help you (as the door swings shut on you laughing on the phone)
Yes, then I was still asking for your help. Your acknowledgment. I deserve to be here too. Beat me, violate me, australia, uk, us, usa, shame me. Please accept me. Value me. ZETIA pics, Winding more and more hysterical. Trying to tell Dad again. Fragments in the coffee shop, angry, hysterical, generic ZETIA, bitter. I told you I wanted to die when I was in high school, ZETIA maximum dosage, you laughed and told me you’d get me the gun. Was it funny? The years I lived with you in squalor, alone in my room, never leaving, taking ZETIA, not attending school? Could you really tell yourself that was your daughter's full potential as a human? My how you lie. To yourself. Blind blind eyes. Mouth still talking, ZETIA brand name, laughing. Ignorant old man. Vile old hands smoking, blowing away any plume of truth.
No more. I cut you all off. I did that. Good for me. Because you never stopped. Victim? Fuck no. Your victim, ZETIA FOR SALE. Not any more fuckers, where can i order ZETIA without prescription.
Self doubt, ZETIA description, sure. Drifting through confusion of what I am, who I am, how to be, ZETIA price, sure. Australia, uk, us, usa, Fragmented words. Fragmented me. Still shut down. Still struggling just to live a normal life. Leave the house, work. No, don’t shut down, ZETIA schedule.
Shut down and no, ZETIA over the counter, I can’t shut back up. ZETIA FOR SALE, I am 48 today. I have worked hard to ease the layers of a horror these years. I realize how persistent I’ve been. I am proud.
I tried to erase the word horror. But I will leave it. It’s true but I am embarrassed for this truth. My gift to myself today will be to let this feel be. I have worked hard through spiral after spiral of ‘dealing with it’ talking through it, reading about it, getting up in the mornings, going to work, my underneath mantras fighting my ‘of course I know it’s not me’ in the world outside, the ‘real’ world mantras I try to learn.
It wasn’t their fault
It wasn’t that bad
It happens to almost everyone
We can all fix it together as a family
I’m not angry
They aren’t to blame.
Yes they are.
But then some truths have slowly come, floating up through. 40 years. Trying hard to let them come through the darkness.
I know these things. I am a mother. A good mother. My child is safe. I do not make him my victim. I have love. I have friends. I have truth. I have a best friend called a husband. I have a best friend called a woman. I have deep friends. They all know. They all know about me. They love me. I love them. I do wish I loved me too. Life is long, this could emerge too.
So about those others. Who hurt me. Who didn’t stop it. Who did not speak out.
Why the hell not.
####.
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
Comments
leslie, you are the bravest woman i have ever known. thank you for sharing - you are miraculously strong and so very wise, and i'm honoured to be counted among your friends. i would have had no idea.
join the ranks of us who love you.
honestly, les, i'm humbled by you. your mothering is love in action. you have found so much strength, and you're deserving of all the love around you. you're deserving of your whole self, whole. keep going strong, lady.
and yes, you're a helluva writer, too.
I idolize your courage. I am 19. I have been out of abuse for 3 years now. Your story gives me hope that someday I too can speak. Thank you for what you have done. I am so proud of you!
"No more. I cut you all off. I did that. Good for me. Because you never stopped. Victim? Fuck no. Your victim? Not any more fuckers.
Self doubt, sure. Drifting through confusion of what I am, who I am, how to be, sure.
Fragmented words. Fragmented me. Still shut down. Still struggling just to live a normal life. Leave the house, work. No, don’t shut down."
You have every reason to be proud! I'm proud of you too :)
RT @VUnSilenced: RT @fromtracie: Powerful reading at @VUnSilenced today. http://ow.ly/3uStq #sexualabuse #survivor
This was completely THEIR fault. There is no blame on you whatsoever. This was difficult to read but I'm happy that you are able to share, that you have an amazing, real, caring network of people in your life now. Brave! You deserve happiness, security, and peace. I hope you have found it.
Dear Leslie, Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so very saddened by all you have suffered and hoping you find the ability to love yourself as those around you now do xo
My story is eerily similar to yours. Hugs my friend. Of of the ashes you are a phoenix rising. Just remember that.
bravo. what a beautiful strong voice you have!
I wish I knew "Why the hell not", and I share your wish that you could love yourself more. You do know that it WAS that bad. Anyone who told you or tells you that it wasn't hasn't experienced the life-long effects of abuse.
But you've come a long way, it seems, and I sympathize with the work that I know it takes to come this far. My own sibling believes her stories and myths, and I just have to let her survive the best way she can. In time, I think and hope you'll learn to love yourself a bit more, and then even more.
Our past is a part of us, and I must tell you that I admire your ability to write. I hope you continue to nurture yourself--and your writing talent!
I so admire the way that through all the craziness and denial that you lived with, you were able to come out of it a sane and good person. The easy thing is to turn a blind eye to dysfunctional behavior but you were strong and brave enough to do what takes courage - look it squarely in the eye for what it was.
I applaud you for finding yourself through it all and making a happy life for yourself, despite where you came from. I wish you a supportive network of loving folks to fill your life with what you (and every person) truly deserves.
I understand too much of this. You capture it beautifully.
Thank you for writing it.
It's amazing that you have come so far. You are one of the real heros in this world. Your life outshines those who hurt you in every way.
PLS Support: Leslie http://bit.ly/dXhIgf
All i can say is i will think of you daily and support you. I only wish i could give you the kind of hug you deserve. You are a strong woman and deserve true happiness. Love your self.
My favorite quote : She believed she could; so she did.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Leslie http://dlvr.it/CDKgY
I hope you find the self-love you so clearly deserve. Thanks for sharing, and for surviving, and thriving.
Came over by way of Twitter. You are a real trooper, you know that? The fact that you've done so much work on this and taken steps to surround yourself with supportive people serves as inspiration to others in your shoes. Thanks for sharing your story.
RT @fromtracie: Powerful reading at @VUnSilenced today. http://ow.ly/3uStq #sexualabuse #survivor
I am so proud of you for writing this. It was THEIR fault, NOT yours. You have fought and become someone else and you are a survivor.
I'm so impressed by your honesty, your courage and your ability to share. I'm terribly sorry for what happened to you, but not the least bit sorry for you because I see nothing at all here to pity, in fact on the contrary, I see a woman deserving of respect and yes, admiration. I don't understand why siblings, raised in almost identical circumstances, can choose such different paths. But as others have said, there are some things without answers. What matters is you have created a life of goodness. You have much to be proud of :).
Powerful reading at @VUnSilenced today. http://ow.ly/3uStq #sexualabuse #survivor
There are some questions that may never be answered. But you should be so proud of how far you have come and of the person you are.
Bless you for finding strength. It is their fault. They are to blame. Certainly they have damage of their own, but that does not make them blameless in what they did to you.
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