Lucie
I grew up with a single mom who transitioned from dirt poor to middle class. I went to a good high school and took all advanced courses. In college I worked multiple jobs and got all A’s. Now, I am a law student. I am a mother to three boys. I have an amazing partner, great friends, and a healthy relationship with my family. People look at me and think, “Wow, that girl really has it together!”
The problem is, she doesn’t.
Somewhere inside, where you keep secrets locked and buried, there is a fifteen year old girl reeling from her first love gone wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.
I met Him when I was in middle school, and it was puppy love at first sight. He was beautiful, and artistic, and just moody enough to mesh well with my teenage angst. We started “going out” (middle school terminology for boyfriend-girlfriend). It was great, for awhile. I lost my virginity to him, and then I started high school (though we were the same age, he was a year behind me).
Once we were in separate schools, things changed a little. Just minor things, things so seemingly insignificant my teen mind paid them little attention. He liked me to wear my hair down, so I did. He liked me to wear certain kinds of clothes, so I did. He didn’t like some of the people I hung out with, so I stopped. Like bark from a tree, he began peeling away strips of who I was.
One day I didn’t want to change one of the things he asked of me, and he twisted my arm all the way behind my back until I agreed to do as he said. That bothered me, but I wasn’t sure what to do. Not too long after that he hit me, and it continued like that for about a year.
I don’t know how to explain why I stayed. I thought I was madly in love with him, and I was terrified he would leave me. His trick was slowly but surely chipping away at my self esteem, my identity, and my friends, until one day I woke up and realized I had nothing. Nothing but him. I remember staring in the mirror in my bedroom, knowing something was wrong, knowing I was in too deep, but having no idea how to get out. Things got worse after that. We were now in the same school. He threatened me with a gun he kept in his room. He slammed my head into a wall and choked me. He slammed a skateboard into my knee and it still clicks to this day when I run.
One day we were at a local music shop looking at guitars. I said something he didn’t like and, in front of a store full of people, he dumped a huge ashtray on me. Don’t ask me why, after all the pain and fear, this enraged me like nothing else. I stormed out of there, and later went to his home to break it off with him for good. He beat me pretty badly, and forced me to have sex with him (to this day I have a hard time saying “rape” even though I know that’s what it was), but he didn’t kill me. I walked away.
I was sixteen with not a single friend and not an ounce of self-esteem. Luckily, by chance soon thereafter I sat at a table in art class with some amazing girls who would eventually bring me back to life. They saved me, and I love them for it.
It has been ten years since that relationship ended, and I carry it with me like a big ugly scar you can’t see. I feel ashamed of what happened, sometimes. Other times I am made to feel like it wasn’t that big of a deal since we were both kids — it’s not like I married an abuser. Some days, when I think of Him and the fact that I have a public blog and he still lives in my city, I feel such an overwhelming fear that after all these years he will come find me that I have to fight the urge to delete the blog and more to Albuquerque.
Even worse, I have seen spurts of violence in myself. One day I threw a book at my partner and bloodied his lip. I was horrified, as was he. The lesson I learned is that a result of my first relationship being violent is that I have internalized some of that violence and carried it into my other relationships. Every time we get into an argument, I have to be aware that somewhere inside me there is a monster waiting to explode.
I don’t think domestic violence is something you ever “get over.” I think it is like any scar — it becomes less painful, but it is a part of you forever.
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Lucie blogs at UO.
31 Responses to “Lucie”
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What a frightening way to start your experiences with the opposite sex.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Isnt that so true…abuse is a scar…the ramifications and memories may fade over time, but it remains a part of you forever.
Thank you for sharing your story. Peace be with you. You never know who you are helping…
A very insightful story – I agree with you, that we as victims, take some of that rage away with us – another type of internal scar, if you will.
I’m so glad you told your story, it reminds us that we don’t have to be born into abuse, as well as showing how abuse can change us.
I’m so very glad you’ve been able to make your life a positive one – peace to you!
it is definitely a scar.
i too grew up with a single mom, who didn’t date…and so relationships with the opposite sex (or romantic relationships of any kind) were a mystery to me. my first few forays into sexuality went badly, and i was doubly bewildered and scarred, i think…because i had no real idea whether there was anything better.
thanks for this, and…to the fifteen year old you, i’m sorry.
I’m so sorry that THAT was your introduction to love. I wonder how many women carry similar scars and I know from experience that it is an emotional line that changes from day to day when remembering things that happened and how to define them.
Congratulations to you for not succumbing to the fear and letting this guy’s presence ruin your writing. He does not define you nor control your destiny.
Yes, it’s a scar. It’s a scar that I hope becomes less painful soon. I’m thankful that you had that group of girls who helped you get out. I’m thankful that you have the courage to share your story. Thank you for sharing and for breaking the silence. I know how hard this was to write and how much it means to have it written at the same time.
I think the scar I carry from it helps to remind me of my own strength – which I will not forget ever again…
Thank you for sharing your story here.
thank you for telling your story.
i bet a lot of us have a monster of sorts deep within us…i hope you find a way to calm it and to find much healing (hug)
Lucie.
I know this story, yet it shocks me to read it. As a friend who knew you during this time in your life, it feels surreal because I never knew it was going on until it was over. I am so proud of you for walking away from such a horrible situation and picking up the pieces of your life and emerging the strong, beautiful, intelligent woman you are today.
You are doing a good thing by telling your story. Maybe there’s a teenage girl reading this right now who will walk away from similar circumstances bc you had the courage to write this.
I love you, I love you, I love you. Hugs, sister. Lots of hugs.
Thank you for sharing you story. Please don’t minimize what happened to you because you were young or because you didn’t marry him. It’s still real and damaging and while it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it does sound like you need to work through it. Have you been to counseling? You might consider it to help you overcome some of the underlying issues. All my best for a continued happy life!
Thanks for sharing your story. It took me a while to be able to call it rape, too, and it’s still weird to say out loud. But you certainly used the correct word. Prayers for you and your 15 year old self.
I’d only disagree with you on one point. Seems to me like you do, in fact, “have it together”. At least in any way that counts. And it’s okay to have it together. Really it is.
It doesn’t matter that you were fifteen, doesn’t matter that you didn’t marry him, doesn’t matter what other reasons you or someone else might come up with for dismissing it. If they think — or you think — it wasn’t a “big deal”, consider how much of your life has been shaped by the life of that teenage girl.
It was a big deal. One you shouldn’t have had to go through, but you did and you came out the other side and now you’ve shown some other fifteen-year-old girl that she doesn’t have to live like this. Or maybe it’s a twenty-year-old girl. Or thirty or fifty. Somebody, somewhere is at the point you were ten years ago. Somebody, somewhere is about to be. Somebody somewhere is going to hear this story and recognize herself in it.
And she’s going to get out because of that. To someone, somewhere you’ve become the table of 16-year-old girls in art class.
Now just how much more “together” can you get than that?
I’ve experienced that internalized rage and anger myself. When I finally unleashed it after years and years I scared myself at the force with which I reacted. I think that those formative relationship building years really set us up for our future relationships. I know it did for me.
Thanks everyone so much for all the comments and support. It is hard to put into words the way it feels to hear so much encouragement from (mostly) complete strangers. When I can articulate this better I’ll comment again
I’ll join the others in thanking you for sharing your story. I think a lot of survivors tell themselves “it wasn’t that bad because xxx…” as a way of protecting ourselves. Just because you didn’t marry him, etc., doesn’t detract from what he did to you, and how that affected you at such a young age. There’s always a way it could have been worse – but that doesn’t make what happened to any of us right, or okay.
As for having it together – NO ONE has it completely together. Everyone has a scar, a secret, something. Those that speak out are just choosing to show our scars.
I’m so glad you were able to find that group of girls that helped you to realize that you deserved better, and that you were able to get out of that relationship, moving on to something healthy. For not having any idea of what a relationship “should” be at that age, you were amazingly strong.
Awww, Lucie…I’m so sorry, sweet friend.
I didn’t see “a girl who has it together” when we met…I saw a woman who glowed with love when you shared photos of your kids, who smiled from the heart when you introduced your man, who laid friendship on the table openly and honestly.
I’m glad you did.
I’m SO GLAD to get to know you better and thank you for sharing these insights, hard as they are.
I shudder to think that was only ten years ago and the idea of someone doing of of those horrible things to you infuriates me. I’m so glad you left and found your way to where you are now, a successful young woman, with someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
You are raising boys of your own and I know, without question, that they will be learning by example what a healthy and loving relationship looks like. As for you, yes you have it together but it’s so much more than that… You defied the odds and have done so much with your life in just ten years. You’re an amazing woman and I’m proud to call you my friend.
Thank you for sharing your story and shedding light on teen dating violence. You ‘ll never know how many people you may have helped.
I agree with you – it’s not something you ‘get over’. It’s something you recover from, but it will always be part of your life story. I’m glad that you got away from it and didn’t get sucked in to relationship after relationship like that. I’m sorry that your introduction to what a relationship can be was so negative. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’m really sorry that happened. It bothers me tremendously to hear about kids abusing other kids. How much worse will they be as adults? Ugh.
The clicking knee – ouch.
I can feel your pain on that one. Mine aren’t the result of violence, but that clicking hurts. I noticed that it got better after I started taking cod liver oil for the Omega 3′s. It seems to really help my joints. Just a thought. It doesn’t help my memory much though.
Your age does nothing to minimize your experience. The bottom line is that you found your way out of it. Thank God.
You’re very right when you say you never get over it. The key though is learning to deal with it. It sounds like you’ve done that and are now touching the lives of others for your story. Thanks for sharing.
I wish you peace and happiness.
thank heaven for those girls in art class.
to echo the sentiments of everyone before me — thank you for sharing your story, and thank you for continuing to write publicly despite being scarred and at times even terrified. whatever your sixteen-year-old reasons, i’m glad you were able to find the anger and strength to walk away, literally and figuratively. you definitely aren’t any less scarred because you were young or because you didn’t end up marrying that creep, but you definitely are blessed to have a wonderful family now. i hope the five of you can somehow heal that scar, erase that violence that’s been ingrained. you deserve it.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you.
Life begins to make a little more sense when you expose your scars to the world and say…this happened and it’s not my fault. I was the victim but I’m taking my life back.
It takes a tremendous amount of courage to come forward and tell your story. As for the ex-bf…I’ve found cowards resort to violence, they don’t respect or really care. In the end it’s about control for them.
You overcame your pain and the abuse to stand strong and still go on to make a life for yourself. That takes strength…you are more together than you give yourself credit for dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo
Good for you – you seem to have a wonderful family and career, and that’s a win. A triumph. You’ll carry that scar for the rest of your life, but you didn’t let it completely break you. You told this story. You spoke out. You walked away. You are strong.
Lucie, You have blessed us by sharing your story. Thank you. It is good to be aware of and sensitive to our histories or we may slide into the traps that may await us. Snares created by our past. It seems your past has made you stronger and your sensitivity will serve you well in your future.
Congratulations on your law degree. I read some of your UO posts and posts on Blissfully Blended. You are unconventional and the world is a better place through your advocacy. May your voice ring out!
I absolutely despise that people chip away at the self esteem of another person, until they can push and pull you at will. I am very sorry that at 16 you got caught up in such painful ugliness. And I hope after telling your story here, you are freer to live and the monster you believe to be inside of you is disarmed by your sharing and each time you share, that part of you is disarmed even more.
Eaton
I am so very sorry you had to endure that. Sixteen is hard anyway, and being abused on top of that? Just – wow.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so glad you escaped.
Thank you for sharing your story, Lucie.
Blessings,
PattiW
My daughter was in an abusive relationship at the age of 16. I could see the signs, but she kept denying it. Then one day, he slapped her right in front of me. I went straight to his parents and we called the police. After 2 hours of waiting for the police, my daughter lost her nerve and refused to press charges. I found out that night that he had been violent with her before. I also found out that she was not the first girl he had been violent with. I emailed every one of his teachers and notified the administration that he was abusive. He was expelled from school not long after for having violent outbursts at school.
I am working on a degree in social work. I want to educate kids at the middle and high school level about domestic violence. It’s stories like yours that make this kind of education necessary at such a young age. I know I wish I would have known then what I know now!