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Even worse, I have seen spurts of violence in myself. One day I threw a book at my partner and bloodied his lip. I was horrified, as was he. The lesson I learned is that a result of my first relationship being violent is that I have internalized some of that violence and carried it into my other relationships. Every time we get into an argument, I have to be aware that somewhere inside me there is a monster waiting to explode.
I don't think domestic violence is something you ever "get over." I think it is like any scar -- it becomes less painful, but it is a part of you forever.
Lucie blogs at UO.
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
My daughter was in an abusive relationship at the age of 16. I could see the signs, but she kept denying it. Then one day, he slapped her right in front of me. I went straight to his parents and we called the police. After 2 hours of waiting for the police, my daughter lost her nerve and refused to press charges. I found out that night that he had been violent with her before. I also found out that she was not the first girl he had been violent with. I emailed every one of his teachers and notified the administration that he was abusive. He was expelled from school not long after for having violent outbursts at school.
I am working on a degree in social work. I want to educate kids at the middle and high school level about domestic violence. It's stories like yours that make this kind of education necessary at such a young age. I know I wish I would have known then what I know now!
I am so very sorry you had to endure that. Sixteen is hard anyway, and being abused on top of that? Just - wow.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so glad you escaped.
I absolutely despise that people chip away at the self esteem of another person, until they can push and pull you at will. I am very sorry that at 16 you got caught up in such painful ugliness. And I hope after telling your story here, you are freer to live and the monster you believe to be inside of you is disarmed by your sharing and each time you share, that part of you is disarmed even more.
Lucie, You have blessed us by sharing your story. Thank you. It is good to be aware of and sensitive to our histories or we may slide into the traps that may await us. Snares created by our past. It seems your past has made you stronger and your sensitivity will serve you well in your future.
Congratulations on your law degree. I read some of your UO posts and posts on Blissfully Blended. You are unconventional and the world is a better place through your advocacy. May your voice ring out!
Good for you - you seem to have a wonderful family and career, and that's a win. A triumph. You'll carry that scar for the rest of your life, but you didn't let it completely break you. You told this story. You spoke out. You walked away. You are strong.
Life begins to make a little more sense when you expose your scars to the world and say...this happened and it's not my fault. I was the victim but I'm taking my life back.
It takes a tremendous amount of courage to come forward and tell your story. As for the ex-bf...I've found cowards resort to violence, they don't respect or really care. In the end it's about control for them.
You overcame your pain and the abuse to stand strong and still go on to make a life for yourself. That takes strength...you are more together than you give yourself credit for dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo
to echo the sentiments of everyone before me -- thank you for sharing your story, and thank you for continuing to write publicly despite being scarred and at times even terrified. whatever your sixteen-year-old reasons, i'm glad you were able to find the anger and strength to walk away, literally and figuratively. you definitely aren't any less scarred because you were young or because you didn't end up marrying that creep, but you definitely are blessed to have a wonderful family now. i hope the five of you can somehow heal that scar, erase that violence that's been ingrained. you deserve it.
Your age does nothing to minimize your experience. The bottom line is that you found your way out of it. Thank God.
You're very right when you say you never get over it. The key though is learning to deal with it. It sounds like you've done that and are now touching the lives of others for your story. Thanks for sharing.
I wish you peace and happiness.
I'm really sorry that happened. It bothers me tremendously to hear about kids abusing other kids. How much worse will they be as adults? Ugh.
The clicking knee - ouch. :( I can feel your pain on that one. Mine aren't the result of violence, but that clicking hurts. I noticed that it got better after I started taking cod liver oil for the Omega 3's. It seems to really help my joints. Just a thought. It doesn't help my memory much though.
I agree with you - it's not something you 'get over'. It's something you recover from, but it will always be part of your life story. I'm glad that you got away from it and didn't get sucked in to relationship after relationship like that. I'm sorry that your introduction to what a relationship can be was so negative. Thank you for sharing your story.
RT @UnconventionalO: I'm not posting on my blog, but I'll post here: http://violenceunsilenced.com/lucie/
I shudder to think that was only ten years ago and the idea of someone doing of of those horrible things to you infuriates me. I'm so glad you left and found your way to where you are now, a successful young woman, with someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
You are raising boys of your own and I know, without question, that they will be learning by example what a healthy and loving relationship looks like. As for you, yes you have it together but it's so much more than that... You defied the odds and have done so much with your life in just ten years. You're an amazing woman and I'm proud to call you my friend.
Thank you for sharing your story and shedding light on teen dating violence. You 'll never know how many people you may have helped.
Awww, Lucie...I'm so sorry, sweet friend.
I didn't see "a girl who has it together" when we met...I saw a woman who glowed with love when you shared photos of your kids, who smiled from the heart when you introduced your man, who laid friendship on the table openly and honestly.
I'm glad you did.
I'm SO GLAD to get to know you better and thank you for sharing these insights, hard as they are.
I'll join the others in thanking you for sharing your story. I think a lot of survivors tell themselves "it wasn't that bad because xxx..." as a way of protecting ourselves. Just because you didn't marry him, etc., doesn't detract from what he did to you, and how that affected you at such a young age. There's always a way it could have been worse - but that doesn't make what happened to any of us right, or okay.
As for having it together - NO ONE has it completely together. Everyone has a scar, a secret, something. Those that speak out are just choosing to show our scars.
I'm so glad you were able to find that group of girls that helped you to realize that you deserved better, and that you were able to get out of that relationship, moving on to something healthy. For not having any idea of what a relationship "should" be at that age, you were amazingly strong.
Thanks everyone so much for all the comments and support. It is hard to put into words the way it feels to hear so much encouragement from (mostly) complete strangers. When I can articulate this better I'll comment again :)
I've experienced that internalized rage and anger myself. When I finally unleashed it after years and years I scared myself at the force with which I reacted. I think that those formative relationship building years really set us up for our future relationships. I know it did for me.
I'd only disagree with you on one point. Seems to me like you do, in fact, "have it together". At least in any way that counts. And it's okay to have it together. Really it is.
It doesn't matter that you were fifteen, doesn't matter that you didn't marry him, doesn't matter what other reasons you or someone else might come up with for dismissing it. If they think -- or you think -- it wasn't a "big deal", consider how much of your life has been shaped by the life of that teenage girl.
It was a big deal. One you shouldn't have had to go through, but you did and you came out the other side and now you've shown some other fifteen-year-old girl that she doesn't have to live like this. Or maybe it's a twenty-year-old girl. Or thirty or fifty. Somebody, somewhere is at the point you were ten years ago. Somebody, somewhere is about to be. Somebody somewhere is going to hear this story and recognize herself in it.
And she's going to get out because of that. To someone, somewhere you've become the table of 16-year-old girls in art class.
Now just how much more "together" can you get than that?
Today's survivor story hits a bit close to home: http://violenceunsilenced.com/lucie/ Please go show your support.
Thanks for sharing your story. It took me a while to be able to call it rape, too, and it's still weird to say out loud. But you certainly used the correct word. Prayers for you and your 15 year old self.
Thank you for sharing you story. Please don't minimize what happened to you because you were young or because you didn't marry him. It's still real and damaging and while it's nothing to be ashamed of, it does sound like you need to work through it. Have you been to counseling? You might consider it to help you overcome some of the underlying issues. All my best for a continued happy life!
I know this story, yet it shocks me to read it. As a friend who knew you during this time in your life, it feels surreal because I never knew it was going on until it was over. I am so proud of you for walking away from such a horrible situation and picking up the pieces of your life and emerging the strong, beautiful, intelligent woman you are today.
You are doing a good thing by telling your story. Maybe there's a teenage girl reading this right now who will walk away from similar circumstances bc you had the courage to write this.
I love you, I love you, I love you. Hugs, sister. Lots of hugs.
thank you for telling your story.
i bet a lot of us have a monster of sorts deep within us...i hope you find a way to calm it and to find much healing (hug)
I think the scar I carry from it helps to remind me of my own strength - which I will not forget ever again...
Thank you for sharing your story here.
Yes, it's a scar. It's a scar that I hope becomes less painful soon. I'm thankful that you had that group of girls who helped you get out. I'm thankful that you have the courage to share your story. Thank you for sharing and for breaking the silence. I know how hard this was to write and how much it means to have it written at the same time.
I'm so sorry that THAT was your introduction to love. I wonder how many women carry similar scars and I know from experience that it is an emotional line that changes from day to day when remembering things that happened and how to define them.
Congratulations to you for not succumbing to the fear and letting this guy's presence ruin your writing. He does not define you nor control your destiny. :)
it is definitely a scar.
i too grew up with a single mom, who didn't date...and so relationships with the opposite sex (or romantic relationships of any kind) were a mystery to me. my first few forays into sexuality went badly, and i was doubly bewildered and scarred, i think...because i had no real idea whether there was anything better.
thanks for this, and...to the fifteen year old you, i'm sorry.
A very insightful story - I agree with you, that we as victims, take some of that rage away with us - another type of internal scar, if you will.
I'm so glad you told your story, it reminds us that we don't have to be born into abuse, as well as showing how abuse can change us.
I'm so very glad you've been able to make your life a positive one - peace to you!
Isnt that so true...abuse is a scar...the ramifications and memories may fade over time, but it remains a part of you forever.
Thank you for sharing your story. Peace be with you. You never know who you are helping...