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Comments

21 comments
Pgoodness
Pgoodness

It was never your fault...you are not nearly as broken as you think - you are brave and strong. Thank you for sharing.

amber
amber

I wish I could find the right words... I feel your pain. I know that hatred. I hope you find healing - and your true self.

Emily R
Emily R

you may or may not find love, but that's the case for everyone. finding yourself is far more important

Bee
Bee

You haven't given up Maria. Your testimony here is proof. Keep reaching, keep trying, and I will too. You are not alone. You are not hopeless. Their is so much more for you, so many more intimate relationships and trust with all kinds of people, and romance and love do not elude you. Time it may take to know who you are now, what you want, where to go next, this time you use to find yourself, before you find another person to share life with, is crucial and selfish and good.

Take a small step, say talking to a guy in line at the coffeeshop, mundane safe-speak about the cup holders, or the music playing in the background, or just ask him to pass the cream. You don't need to throw yourself back into the dating pond, mingling and trying so hard, right away. Try simple meet n greets with new acquaintances or old friendships that dropped away while you attempted to deal with your previous negative relationship. Find those pieces of you that you loved and define you and build on that foundation, learn who Maria is, and love her.

Keep letting us know how you are doing, keep seeking positive reinforcement of your choice to remove the cork that bottled you up, and know that I am grateful you let me know I am not alone. Neither are you.

Lillian
Lillian

Thank you for having the courage to survive and to share your story.

As an aside, I've got to stop reading these at work. Tears are generally not good to shed in a shared office.

flutter
flutter

I just want to hug you.

Debbie in Memphis
Debbie in Memphis

I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You're braver than you know.

laprimera
laprimera

I hope that by sharing it helps move beyond the pain. I am so sorry. You deserve happiness. Thank you for your words today.

Aunt Becky
Aunt Becky

I'm so sorry. I understand and I wish I didn't and I'm so sorry.

GW
GW

Maria,

I didn't know you when this all happened, and have only met you recently in your life (relatively). But what I do know is the free-spirit person you have become, and the optomistic way you seem to look at life. And that, is motivating. You have had some awful things happen to you, and you have survived them.

Your future is definitely something to look forward to. Every new day can bring something great to you - so keep your head up and continue to love your life. You deserve it.

I know you are a model to others out there who have been hurt.

-g

Screwed Up Texan
Screwed Up Texan

Thank you for having the courage to share with us...strangers. Although we may never have met, some of us are no stranger to abuse. Through people like you we learn to overcome and to have the strength to never inflict upon others misery.

Indigo
Indigo

Thank you for sharing.

Let me just say having had an abusive jerk in your life doesn't mean it's you or that your unlovable or that there isn't a chance at love out there. I know. I used to feel the same way. It got to the place it didn't matter if they were abusive someone was better than no one - right? Yeah, It took me years to get that one right too.

Don't give up on love sweetie, it's out there. The right guy is trying to find his way to you, he just hasn't arrived yet. He will. Mine did. I had thought I'd given up on guys by the time he showed up...patiently endearing, loving, compassionate. Surprising.

Before him...I had one abusive relationship after another, the last one almost finished the story. You got out of a very bad marriage my friend. You live to tell the story. I can tell you from experience it wouldn't have gotten better, it gets far worse first.

At this very moment, I'm not sad for you. Sad that you lived through that horror - yes. But you have another chance to change the ending, to live life at it's fullest; a chance to learn just how worthy you truly are of love.

If I would have one thing to impart it would be this: Don't let him take your hope and cheat someone who is worthy of your love away from you. Because if you give up on love, he won. Your in my thoughts dear friend! (Hugs)Indigo

Nicole
Nicole

Maria – It’s so good that you’ve not only stepped beyond the immediate confines of your abuse, but that you’ve chosen to share your experience. You’re demonstrating to another woman sometime, somewhere, that yes, you can get out. Will it all go away and instantly be over and better tomorrow, next week, next month, next year? No. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I wrote once that domestic abuse leaves scars you can’t see and it’s true.

But the beauty of that is that scars represent healing on some level. And for the abuse survivor – which you are – at its best, this scar is a badge, a mark of bravery to show that “I did it – I got out.” As you take more and more charge of your life, it’s a scar that can fade into the background as you become a shining example of your own bravery.

At its worst, it’s a painful brand that still inflames and keeps us from feeling good about ourselves, from having confidence in our own lives, and impeding our ability to ever trust anyone. By stepping up and speaking out, you are taking the brand quality away from your scar. I can tell that you still have a lot to let go of before your scars can begin to fade. While they never completely go away, I believe their diminished state directly correlates with the control they hold over our daily lives.

Once they fade, we can begin to take back what was once ours or to achieve what had long been denied. Here’s to fading fast as you seek the peace and happiness you deserve.

maria
maria

mojo,

i'm crying as i read your words. not sure why. i've always felt like a peach with a dark pit. writing my story has left my bruises exposed but hopefully on my way to be healed. today i posted and retweeted this story all over. some know, some don't, and some don't fathom the idea. but some, like you, see my soft fragile flesh and know who i am, understand the pain. that when i look over my shoulder i'm not just looking for his shadow, i'm looking to escape it.

and i run. in the literal and metaphorical sense of the word. away from something? towards something? but i won't deny that it's so hard at times. i'm still picking up the pieces and that's why i feel broken at times. would i do it all over again? yes i would. but it's hard to feel proud at times. so thank you for helping me cry. i don't think i've ever shed a tear after the fact. i never thought he was worth it. but it's not about him anymore. it's about me. today's tears are about me.

Mojo
Mojo

Of all the things you said in your story, nothing was quite as tragic as what you said in your comment. That you've given up on finding the real thing. Understandable (I should know) but tragic (I do know). I don't know you, not personally, not specifically. But in a sense I know you all too well. Broken? I wonder. Disillusioned? Yes. Jaded? Possibly. But broken? The fact that you're here makes me question that.

Finding yourself, however you do it, you'll have to do that before you can find another. Find love -- or something like it -- that's real, that's true. As for "normal"? Highly overrated if you ask me.

Mayda hit it bang-on the money. You are an example. A good example. You got out, escaped, found some kind of freedom even if the nightmare still lingers at times. You've learned what some people never do, that it's better to have no one than the wrong one. I hate that you had to go through all of this to find it out. But you're stronger for it now. Strong enough to come here and put the story down in black and white for some other woman with a broken necklace and a burning cheek to read and find her own strength in. Some other woman is still watching re-runs of the same slow motion movie, just with a different cast. And she will read your words and find hope in them.

And you can believe me when I tell you that she will not think for a second that you've been broken.

cat
cat

Thank you for sahring this. When abusers drink they become other people and their inability to stop the drinking, to set a limit for themselves, it has been my expierence that was what I dreaded most of family events, the knowing what was going to happen once the drinking began and the inability to do anything about it - even as it began to spin out of control, yet again...

MK
MK

Thank you for sharing.

SP
SP

Oh Maria. This sounds so awful. I am terribly sorry for what you went through.

Thank you for sharing. I wish you a lifetime of peace.

mayda maitee
mayda maitee

In all the time that ive known you, you never told me what was happening. Now I cant stop feeling responsible for not asking about your relationship. at the same time i feel so proud of you, because ive seen how you overcome all that and start being free!!! and you definetly are free! and i am happy!!! i love you my friend! you are an example for all women!!

nic @mybottlesup
nic @mybottlesup

i relate to your hate of anniversaries... of rage... and i am so sorry you had to endure this pain, that you continue to endure this pain.

you are so brave for speaking.

thank you.

maria
maria

its odd that as i write this today as i re-read the post i live a mere 4 blocks from where it all began. and i am ok. if i said to you that i never think about him i would be lying. if i told you that i look up occasionally on the subway and think that he'll be sitting next to me i'd be lying to myself. but i suppose going back to the 'scene of the crime' and owning it has empowered me to move fw with my life although i still mess up my dates b/c i am broken. my heart is broken. my spirit is broken. i have no hopes that i will find love. the right kind, the true kind, the normal kind. but living in the same neighborhood gives me hope that at least i will find me. even as i look over my shoulder and wonder if it's him around the corner.

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