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BUY RYTHMOL OVER THE COUNTER, Over half my life ago I was raped.
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The silence was deafening.
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He apologized and left me.
I picked my towel up, the fragments of my psyche, and wrapped myself in it. Rearranged my swimsuit, pushed the tears and hair off my face and walked to my hotel room. BUY RYTHMOL OVER THE COUNTER, I tended to the wound that would not stop. I scrubbed the hotel bathroom as best as I could so my parents would never know what happened, then I hid the bloody towel in a maid cart in the hallway.
I went back to the beach with his saliva and sweat still stuck to my body and pretended as though nothing ever happened.
I've been pretending ever since.
###.
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Comments
I am so sorry you went through this - you did nothing wrong - you were just a child. I hope this helps with some healing for you.
Maria, I know how you carry this EVENT with you. Through the laughing and smiling. You persist through the pain. That is its own special hell. It is so incurably hopeful to know that by sharing your words and story you are a little less alone. xoxoxoxoxo
I wish you healing and strength. This was not your fault. You don't need to carry his shame around.
friend, you do not need to pretend anymore. you have spoken! i wish you healing and strength in your continued survivorship. you are not alone.
Marta, I am so, so sorry you went through this. This was not your fault. It was not your smile or your swimsuit or you: *this was not your fault.*
Thank you for sharing your story here and for telling your truth about the pain and pretending. Your voice is so valuable, and I hope the act of speaking out brings you some peace and healing, now and in the future.
I think you made the decision, right here and now, to stop pretending and I really admire you for it. It seems like you feel empathy for your 13-year-old self and I hope that's true, because you deserve love and support and empathy and compassion as you deal with this. I'm so sorry for what happened. That guy was a predator, and nothing less. Nothing a girl that age does would encourage a normal, healthy man.
i hope this gets you on the path to stop pretending. because the pretending is what festers. (speaking from personal experience.) your past is part of who you are but not ALL of who you are. and you didn't ask for anything to happen to you. rainbow bikini, shy smile, doesn't matter. i hope this sharing helps you heal. and just know that you have a family of people here who are on your side.
There is so much I recognize in the description of how this incident has marked your life; I have lived these same choices, to pull close and push away, always being afraid of being alone, and my damage was much less traumatic than yours, more everyday. Thank you for sharing that, for the sisterhood of the loss of innocence so young, however it arrives. Your voice is strong! Your clarity is strong! You are freer than you think. Allow yourself to be the heroine I see in the post you wrote; she's right there inside you. These two women can live their lives together, when you realize that what they share is larger than what separates them. Big blessings to you.
This was really meaningful to me, thanks for sharing.
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I've been trying to access from two different computers at home. Jane~could you offer assistance as to adding the website as an exception? Would love to be able to access this soon. :) Thanks for your thoughts on this both so much!
@Trish: If you have a content filter on your computer, this site would be blocked because of the nature of the site. These are true and hard experiences that are not candy coated for a PG rating, if you know what I mean. Check that. If you do have a filter, I think you can add the website as an exception so it will be allowed.
Oh no! Trish, are you trying to access from work or do you have any other firewalls in place? Sometimes the site is blocked from places that have Internet rules against anything deemed "adult content."
Sure wish I knew why I am unable to access this website. Marta, sending support today!
So sorry for you, so undeserved, so damaging... But also, so brave, so hopeful to take a chance and write it down and put it out there, maybe give it back to those who own it? You don't own the responsibility for this, in any way, any form. Would you ave ever thought in your twenties that a 13 year old boy was in any way available to you? Yuck, you were victimized and doubly so since the way it transpired made you feel even minimally culpable. You are blameless in this and I hope that you can heal.
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