Mary Jo
What if I was wrong? That is the thought that I used to have when I would think about the night I was raped. What if I just don’t remember it right? I was 18 and pretty sure that I had a firm grasp on reality. But what if?
I met him online, his name was Chris. We got together in public a few times and talked on the phone daily. He was not someone I was interested in as a boyfriend, but I thought we had become pretty good friends. He wasn’t the first person I had met ‘offline’ and I felt like I had a pretty good feel for him.
One night he invited me over to his house to hang out. I agreed and we spent most of the night watching movies and TV. He played the guitar and even played a few songs for me. I thought he was a genuinely nice guy.
Sometime throughout the night we got closer to each other and spent some time making out. I was not sexually active at the time, but I had had a few boyfriends before meeting him so I was not completely naive. After a while he wanted to go to his bedroom and watch a movie while we lay down. It was late and I was tired, but he said it was too late to drive me home. I couldn’t walk; he lived too far away… so I stayed. I didn’t think I had much of a choice, it was 3:00AM and I knew my mom would be pissed if I called her.
We were watching Godzilla when things took a turn. The details become sketchy to me, I don’t remember everything that happened. When I see it in my mind’s eye, it’s like watching bits and pieces of a movie.
We went from kissing to him undressing me. I remember telling him that I didn’t want to do anything because I was a virgin. I wasn’t ready and frankly he wasn’t someone I wanted to give myself to. I remember him laughing about me being ‘tight’ and I remember how my thighs and arms were hurting from trying to get him off of me. I remember the tearing and the burning, because I was not ready.
I remember crying out no, no, no over and over… and I remember wondering why his neighbors downstairs didn’t call the police. I remember him laughing and saying ‘I guess you were a virgin, you should go clean off some of that blood’. I went into his bathroom and I tried to clean myself… I took my panties and shorts from the floor and tried to get dressed. I was scared he would come in because the bathroom didn’t have a lock. He laughed when I came back in fully dressed and made me lay back down.
I felt like I was in a fog the entire time, I don’t know if I slept that night. The next morning he woke up and again refused to take me home. The only way he would take me home was if I gave him a blow job. I felt so ashamed. I just wanted to go home, and I felt like I had no other option. I never heard from or spoke to him again.
He never questioned my tears that night. He never questioned my protests. I wonder if he realized that he raped me. I bled for 5 days after it happened, the tearing inside was pretty bad, and even today I have pain during intercourse. Even then I didn’t fully grasp what happened to me that night until many months later. I was telling my then boyfriend about what happened, and he is the one that made me finally realize I had been raped. It was crushing.
Many times I’ve questioned myself over the years. Did he really rape me if I lay down on the bed with him? Did he really rape me if I gave him a blow job the next morning? Did he really rape me if I didn’t call the police? Did it really happen the way I remember it, or am I just remembering it wrong? But I remember saying no; I remember trying to make him stop.
He was never punished for his crime. I often pray that he never had the chance to hurt someone else, the way he hurt me. I don’t consider myself a victim though… I am a survivor.
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Mary Jo blogs at Not a Momma and tweets at @maryjors
40 Responses to “Mary Jo”
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Thank you for sharing. Your strength and courage are inspiring. Sending prayers and love your way.
This was not your fault. Keep reminding yourself that it was not your fault until you can believe it. And then tell yourself again.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for being strong and brave and speaking out.
Do not doubt yourself. I have about things in my past, and I shouldn’t. It’s still rape, no matter how he went about it.
Peace to you. Thank you for sharing.
All that matters is you remembering saying No and none of it was your fault.
Thank-you for being strong enough to share your story.
You tell your truth, and nobody can question that.
It makes me want to draw my two young daughters close and try to explain to them what could happen, what to look for and listen for. Except I realize, reading your story, that things can change very quickly. A good guy can become a not good guy. Just like that.
I’m sorry you had to have this experience. Thanks for writing so honestly about it.
Hi Mary Jo,
I’m really glad you shared your story. You ARE a survivor. You are awesome. I’m so glad you’ve written this. Please remember you are not alone. ~Susan
I can only pass on to you something was told to me by a pastor friend. You are 100% not guilty for what happened to you. The rapist is 100% guilty for what he did to you. There are no mitigating circumstances for rape. You can question yourself and your actions that night all that you want, but it will not change the fact that you did not want to have sex with that man, you cried out “no” over and over again, he forced himself on you anyway. That’s rape. I’d think that you gave him the sex he wanted the next morning out of pure self defense more than anything else. It bought you your freedom.
I hope that you are able to see a good doctor to address the physical damage that was done to you. Sex is not supposed to be painful. I hope that you are able to see a quality therapist to address the rape and your resulting emotional health. You are not remembering it wrong. You are remembering it.
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to share this. It takes courage just to get up and start the day after a night like you described. You are a strong person. You are a survivor.
God bless.
Thank you for sharing. That is such a painful story. And it is not your fault. You are a survivor.
Mary Jo, thank you for sharing your story here.
Please know that you were a good person then, and what happened was not your fault, and you do not need to question yourself because if it felt wrong, it *was.*
You are still a good person. I send you peace.
((())) I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story. You are so strong.
this was not your fault. You said no and he did not respect that. I’m sorry. Thank you for sharing your story
Thank you for sharing…your strength to share inspires me.
It was incredibly brave for you to relive this memory. I want you to know that your strength is shared by all who read this.
I have experienced something similar and I thank you for sharing your story. It helps still…almost 20 years later…to know that what happened was not right. You are brave and strong and your strength helps others!
Mary Jo, I’m so sorry. What an awful thing he did to you. Sending you a gigantic hug.
you *are* a survivor.
You are such a survivor. You are brave and courageous for sharing your story, for hopefully helping someone else to realize that they don’t have to question what happened, or think that they got it wrong in their head.
Thank you.
You are very brave to share your story. I agree with the others. This was not your fault.
The questions you ask of yourself really got to me:
“Did he really rape me if I lay down on the bed with him?”
Yes – it doesn’t matter if you laid down in the bed with him – when you did it was to watch a movie – not to sleep with him. You said no – that makes it rape.
“Did he really rape me if I gave him a blow job the next morning?”
Not only did he really rape you – he did it a second time when he demanded a blow job to get a ride home.
“Did he really rape me if I didn’t call the police?”
Absolutely. There are so many of us out there who never tell the police. Rape isn’t defined by a police report. It is defined by what happened to you.
“Did it really happen the way I remember it, or am I just remembering it wrong?”
You are remembering it and remembering hurts. This is a battle I know I struggle with – believing my own perceptions of my story. And it’s easy to say – always believe in yourself. So much harder to actually do. But believe your own story for why in the world would any of us “make up” this sort of trauma and the challeneges we face for the rest of our lives. Who in the world would want to create this as their reality. I know if I was creating my own world I’d live on the beach and not have to work for a living – not one with these effects of my past. So believe in yourself – as hard as it is to do.
Mary Jo, Thank you for sharing your story. You are a survivor. I pray for your continued healing.
First, this was NOT your fault. And second, if you said NO, and he ignored you, it was rape. I don’t care what excuse he might provide, there isn’t one that would justify what happened. (Anyone who tells you otherwise is both stupid and heartless.)
It’s encouraging that it was another man who recognized the act for what it was. For far too long, even men who would never commit such an act themselves have all but condoned such behavior among their “brothers.” I’ve actually heard men in my own life make such comments in defense of such scum and it’s just appalling!
This also serves as a good “wake-up” to all the mothers out there. TELL your daughters that they can call you ANYTIME! Being roused from a sound sleep is a small price to pay for what it can prevent.
The fact that you consider yourself a survivor already speaks volumes about how far you’ve come. And the fact that you’re willing to share this very painful story speaks even louder. May it be heard by those who most need to hear it. Bless you for being brave enough to share it. I hope you have found the peace and happiness that you deserve.
What he did was not your fault. And, yes, you are a survivor. Trust what you know to be true. Thank you for sharing this with us and best wishes as you move forward.
I would like to thank you all for reading my story and all of the positive comments. It’s a hard subject to talk about, but if my story might help someone else, then that’s what matters. The support of everyone here is amazing, truly. I’m so thankful that Maggie has created this place for people to come together for support and comfort. Thank you all again, from the bottom of my heart.
MJ
[...] want to take a moment to thank everyone who took the time to read my story over at Violence UnSilenced. Your support is amazing, not only for me, but for any woman who reads that site. I’m so glad [...]
People say “date rape” like it is different from stranger rape, like it shouldn’t hurt as much. But being raped by someone you know and who you think likes you is a double betrayal, a whole different level of awful, because it drives a wedge between you and EVERYONE – anyone could, at any time, turn and violate you. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Thank you for telling your story. I wish you all the best.
It is so common to question what we know truly happened. What he did was wrong, it did happen and it was rape. I am so sorry for your experience. You’re right… you are a survivor. You are such a strong person. Sending you prayers for a peaceful and calm New Year. Best of luck on your journey in life.
((Hugs)) I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. As for your questions, the moment you said “No” it became rape. His refusal to take you home was the beginning of his controlling, manipulate, vicious plan. I have no doubt he had this in mind when he called you to come to his home.
Is it your fault. Most certainly not. This man was a cruel vicious rapist. He laughed at your pain and fear.
Thank you for sharing. You are truly a survivor. (Hugs)Indigo
Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad your self-esteem seems much recovered. Yes, it was rape. No, you’re not remembering it wrong. I also resisted and told him I was a v. I also bled for several days afterward, and wondered how much damage had been done. I also still have pain, these years later. Sucks, hm? Yes, it does. @ Arby: does it ever stop hurting?
Thank you for sharing. You are indeed a survivor!
I’m sorry I’m so late in getting around to read this. But like everybody above me has already said, the answers to every one of your “is it rape if…” questions is emphatically, and unequivocally, “Yes!” He raped you twice, physically. But the emotional rape was much more brutal. The questioning, the self-doubt, the lasting trauma that endures even now, long after the fact, that’s the cruelest twist of it all.
Your story is going to help someone else. That much we know, even though we don’t know yet who or how. But my fondest hope is that telling it, and reading the responses to it, will help you. I hope that the hands that reach out to you in this place will lift you up above the place where you still ask these questions of yourself. I hope that here, among these people, you find your answers.
This was not your fault, not your doing. You were manipulated, coerced and finally forced to do things you didn’t want to do, and that you made it clear you didn’t want to do. I hope you can lay your questions to rest now.
Much love.
oh, sweetheart. you did nothing wrong. don’t forget that it is not your fault.
I’m so sorry for the pain and anguish you suffered. He stole your virginity and laughed about it, and perhaps stole you ability to enjoy sex for the rest of your life, due to the physical and emotional damage he inflicted. Stay strong, and be gentle with yourself.
If you said no….it was rape. It doesn’t matter if you laid down on the bed…it doesn’t matter if you’d been dating him for years or were engaged or he was your husband…if you said no it was rape. It’s so sad that so many girls don’t know that. It’s so sad that I didn’t know that.
I’m so sorry for what happened. I had a similar trauma and had painful intercourse for a year. I actually went to an energy healer and was cured in one session – if this is something you would be interested in looking into. I believe the trauma can sort of live in our bodies. The pain never came back.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I really admire your courage in writing this.
Yes, you are a survivor. Thank you for sharing your questions, your memories, your strength.
I’ve heard this story before. I’ve heard it so many times. And the girls who tell it always ask those same questions. the answer is yes. It was rape. It WAS. It was rape, it was wrong, and he probably wasn’t surprised because he had done it before. He has probably done it again. And they are probably asking those same questions…
I think the thing that bothers me most about your story, actually makes me tremble with outrage and anger and sadness, is the fact that he didn’t seem to know what he had taken from you. He laughed off your blood and pain and lost virginity, and I’m sure he never gave a second thought to the fact that you might never be able to have sex again without pain. I consider sex to be such a wonderful, beautiful experience when done right, and I can’t even begin to express how upset I am for what’s happened to you, and to others.
You are doing so well, to have found a supportive partner and to be able to tell your story. Keep on this path. Get the counseling and medical attention you need, and don’t be afraid to voice your limitations and take your time. I wish you the best of everything in your journey.
[...] Jo Roberts was a survivor, a proud contributor to this site, and an ardent supporter of her fellow Violence UnSilenced comrades. On Saturday, May 15, she [...]
Goodbye Mary Jo. You blessed us with your presence here on VU and you will be forever missed by many.