Melanie

“Motionless”

For the longest time I never spoke out about my past because it was something I was ashamed of, like I did something wrong. I kept silent also because any issues that happened in my family were never discussed.

I remember as a kid during a family get – together my cousin D tried to get me to show him my private parts when I was about 9 years old (he was about 11). I said “no” and ran away thinking he was just being a naughty boy. A couple years later when I was 14, I’d visit my aunty and cousin D, which was when it began. Numerous times we were alone in auntie’s bedroom watching TV; he talked and asked me lots of questions about sex. I disclosed that I had just lost my virginity to a guy I really liked and he used this as means to take advantage of me …or “teach me” is what he used to tell me. He convinced me that he was experienced and knew what he was doing, so he said he thought he could teach me how its suppose to be done. I had the feeling that this was wrong, that we shouldn’t be doing this but I was afraid my dad would find out especially since my father disliked him very much after the incident when I was 9. I got used to the routine of most times we were alone, when the time was “right,” he molested me.

After several attempts to get me alone in church, I finally said “no” I won’t let you do this anymore. He apologized, gave me a hug and said it would never happen again…and it didn’t. I thought that was the end of that chapter of my life. It wasn’t.

About a year later my stepfather started making inappropriate sexual remarks towards me. He would say things in such a way that would make me look like I started it. Then his 28-year-old brother, after only living with us for about a month, would try and force himself on me every time we were alone in the house, but he never succeeded. I started to feel like maybe there was something I was doing, or not doing to make these guys take advantage of me that way. “How could I be so vulnerable?” I used to say to myself. It was only until I was 24 when I realized that being silent was my way to survive, my way to protect myself from the negative reactions of my family members, the shame, and the embarrassment. It was striking to me that even when I spoke out about my stepfather and his brother, I was the one that got blamed, or was the liar. Even my own mother didn’t believe me but I don’t hold it against her because I knew that she had her own abuse issues to sort out, that caused her to not think straight.

My mother and I left the house, left that town, and left that family to start a new life in in another town–where problems continued, of course. I left my grandmother’s house where we had been staying simply because my mom and I didn’t get along, and like in my childhood, no one cared whether I was there or not. So while living on the streets looking for a space to stay, calling whatever friend I had at the time, I befriended a girl named A who was dating this man who apparently had access to a music recording studio. He was a very charming guy who had a great sense of humor and really liked me from the first day we met. Almost everyday I would go to his shop where he welded and hung out. My friend T, A, her boyfriend, and I became closer. Sometimes when it was just A’s boyfriend and I , he would say things like, “I like you. I want to be with you secretly.” I would reject his offers to be with him in any type of way. He continued to bother me about it every single time we were alone, all he kept hearing from me was “no” “No” “NO!” Eventually I found myself lying there, motionless, with him on top of me…crying.

He was raping me. Every time we were alone… I don’t know why I kept coming back. I wanted to be a singer so bad since music was my only escape, that I thought he’d stop. He told me after every time that he was sorry, gave me money and that it wouldn’t happen again.

The anger would keep me awake at night, crying and begging God to heal me… and he did. God has healed me emotionally from all the pain and hurt I went through, and he has given me the strength to forgive the men who used me. Through my education to be a social service worker, God has taught me that those experiences that I suffered weren’t my fault.

For many years I blamed myself for what happened, and it controlled who I was. Along with my spirituality, my husband and my two girls continue to help me become a strong, motivated, young mother who is living my dream to support and encourage other females who have been abused.

I am a survivor. I am free. I am healed.

###

Melanie tweets as @LadyRoyelle

Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.

17 Comments | June 14, 2011 | Filed Under rape, sexual abuse, survivor story

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Melanie

Thanks to all the ladies who left a comment, as women were always surviving something and I'm so grateful that I can share my story and inspire someone! God bless xoxo

Melanie

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