The following survivor story was written by MM.
***
I met my husband when I was sixteen. He was ten years older and, looking back, that was probably the first mistake. The first few years of our relationship were smooth. We partied with our neighbors and we bought our first house together. Shortly after I became pregnant, we moved several states away from our family.
That’s when it started.
At first it was little things, like throwing my shoes through the window and using my favorite blanket or shirt to wipe the tires of his prized truck. I thought he was just careless. Things escalated. Soon I was a gourmet cook, the house was spotless, the children were well behaved and clean. Yet it wasn’t enough, there was always something wrong. A picture tilted or the pillows out of place would throw him into a rage. Nobody saw it but me, he was very good at appearing to be the kind of man that would take off his shirt and give it to a stranger.
Our life was a façade; to an outsider it looked perfect. I was the pretty little stay-at-home mom with four little kids, a beautiful flower garden, and a hard working husband.
The first time that his fist met my face was because the folded laundry was on the bed instead of put away. He hit me quick and hard and I think it shocked him as much as it shocked me. I stared at him, confused and hurt. We had been married for three years and he hadn’t hit me before that – sometimes he threatened to, but that was the first time. I’ll never forget that first time.
We never spoke of the first time. I think he was embarrassed, and I couldn’t find any words. The next morning he came up behind me while I was looking at my bruised and swollen face in the mirror. He kissed my neck and whispered, “I love you….”
Hitting me became the norm, except he learned to punch and kick me in inconspicuous spots on my body. My stomach was his punching bag and my shins were splintered from his kicks. I lived in a dark hole, wearing long sleeves and pants in the middle of the Texas summer to cover the shame that I felt.
I think he got bored, and that’s when his anger took over in the bedroom. I was his sexual slave; I endured hours of his sexual abuse, while he laughed in my face and called me a whore. I was numb, emotionally vacant and mentally incapable of feeling anything.
I began to cut myself so that I could feel. He would punch or strangle me and I would quickly run to the closet and cut my arms or legs with a razor blade. It may not make any sense, but the cutting kept me conscious. It allowed me to feel something.
The last time he hurt me was eight years ago. He was strangling me during one of his sexual drunken rages. After he passed out, I ran to the closet and attempted to cut my finger off. The blood and stinging pain from my cutting snapped something in my soupy brain and gave me courage. I grabbed my children and quietly snuck out of the house in the middle of the night and called a shelter.
If you’re in a violent relationship, find the courage to escape and find a shelter. You don’t have to live in fear. You can contact me at manicmariah [at] gmail [dot] com if you need ANY help.
I am so glad you found the courage to go! Your post gave me goosebumps. I can’t even imagine the horror, but I am so happy you got out. Good for you (and your kids)
It is very inspiring to know that you found the strength and courage to get out of that situation and to get your kids out before they too got hurt or had to see you hurting.
Stories like yours give so much hope and empowerment to so many people – thank you for writting it and for sharing it with us.
The humiliation of being told “I love you” all whilst looking at your bruised face…that shatters the heart and spirit like no words can acurately express. Glad you found help.
At first, I was thinking, “could he perhaps have a mental issue with OCD or something of the sort?” but I can see that it was much more than that, and I’m glad you got away when you did. Thank you for sharing.
So glad you found the courage to free both yourself and your kids from this vicious cycle. I trust that you are happy and safe today and hope that you’ve found enough peace to no longer need to abuse yourself.
I hope you have found a safe place and that you and your children are happy today.
You are so brave — for surviving, for getting away and for sharing your story. Thank you.
This put physical knots in my stomach, making it hard to swallow. I cannot pretend to understand how you feel or what you went through, but your courage likely saved your life. And your childrens. And for that you should be proud.
Good on you for not only getting out of that situation, but also for having the courage to write about your story in the hopes of helping somebody else get out of this situation. Having been in a violent relationship for a few years it is often very difficult to get out of the situation because your self esteem is often shot.
i hope your kids grow up knowing how wonderfully brave you are. truly. and thank you for sharing your past…i hope your story can give another the courage to leave.
I really admire your strength. I hope wherever you are now, and whatever you’re doing, that it makes you happy, and that you’re safe.
That is a terrifying life you had to live. I am so glad you got away, for your sake and your kids.
Good for you for finding that strength. Hopefully your story will inspire someone else to do the same.
finding that strength takes so much courage – I am glad you made it happen, the getting out part and now the reaching out part.
Brava for your courage and your escape with your children.
You were fleeing FROM, but now you’ve arrived AT, so double Brava for reaching out.
Ugh. This sounds hauntingly like Sleeping With The Enemy. Except Julia Roberts didn’t have 4 kids to worry about. My heart just split in two reading this. It’s almost a prototype for abusive relationships. And so many are still trapped in them thinking there’s no way out because they have children, or they have no friends or family close by to help or that nobody will believe them.
Thank you for letting them know that they have options. That they’re not alone and that they don’t have to live with the pain and the fear. I’m so glad you got out when you did, and so appreciative of the courage you showed then and now in telling your story. Believe me, someone will hear it and because of it will find what you found — only perhaps with less pain.
I”m glad you found your way out, gladder still that you found yourself.
You are a brave, brave woman for saving five lives that day.
mm~i can’t find the words to express the feelings you brought forth for me here… i’m so glad you found that in you to finally go… so sorry you endured what you endured… i wish you great peace and joy now in life. you deserve it.
WOW! I’m SO glad this is all in the past for you.
I have friends who have experienced that first hit and swear their husbands will not ever do it again…I will share this with them.
Thank you for sharing your story.
MM – I’m a new reader to your blog and reading your survivor story here both broke my heart and gave me hope.
You survived and you escaped, and your spirit shines through.
Thinking of you.
He needs an icepick stuck in his cranium.
The beginning of it sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Luckily, we separated after 2.5 years, but not before he called me a loser and punched a hole in the wall. I learned a few years ago that he actually did abuse the women who came after me, sexually and physically.
This will help somebody, I know it, because if I had seen this while we were married, I would have thought twice about his behavior BEFORE the 2.5 year mark.
I can only imagine the courage it took to get out of that. Thank you for sharing.
how scary, im so glad to hear you are now safe. thanks for your story
I’m glad that you and your children are free. Thank you for sharing your story.
That was the scariest account I have read… and yet so inspiring that you found the courage and strength to get out.
Thanks for all of your kind words. And Thanks to Maggie for making this blog possible.
Our relationship was off and on for many years before we married. He took me and my (then) 2 year old daughter to Texas far away from my family. My daughter, who is now 17 remembers him giving her wine at maybe 4 years old in an effort to get her to sleep–so that he could have his way with me in peace. I was just talking to my daughter about it this morning.
I am so glad you got out, isnt it weird how all abusers to the outside world seem to be the good ole boys, Thanks for sharing I know how hard it is.
Thank you! We bonded long before I knew your story and even afterwards I admired the courage and strength this took dear friend.
That mirror image haunts us all.
You did what so many fear to do, ran with your children and said no more. Because of your bravery your children have a mother who isn’t in pain and shock on a daily basis. Your bravery saved them from having to live that life themselves.
This is a strong message to those who don’t think they can do it, your proof you can escape. (Hugs)Indigo
Thank you for sharing your story.
Everytime a survivor speaks out, someone somewhere listening will find either a bit more courage or a little more compassion.
Everytime a survivor speaks out it makes a difference.
Thank you for courageously sharing your story with us.
I am so inspired by your story tonight- thank you.
Your courage is remarkable. Thank you for sharing.
I’m just so glad that you found your way out of that situation. That you were able to be strong, take your kids, and go. It’s truly amazing.
Holy Effing Eff. Wow. Courageous story, indeed. Very glad it is in the past!!!
What amazing courage and strength it took to get yourself and your children out of that situation. I hope you are safe.
Thank you for sharing your story.
It takes tremendous courage to share what you wrote here. Thank you.
You are a strong and brave woman, your story truly touched me and moved me to tears, thank you for sharing your story. I will be praying for you and your children, your continued courage and your quest for a beautiful, violence free life.
*hugs*
Wow.
Just wow.
I am so glad you found the strength to run with your children.
Good for you! I am so happy you got yourself and your kids out safely.
I hope you have been able to find other ways to feel.
I’m horrified that you had to endure such treatment from someone who professed to love you. I’m beyond relieved that you were able to get away with your children at last. You are very brave for speaking out, thank you.
i’m sighing with relief that you got out of that situation and so did your children. i hope that one day you’ll be able to be more public (if you’re not already) and help other women because i’ve not doubt that your story and pain is common.
thank you…and bless you and your moment of sanity.
peace,
Lil
Thank you for sharing this, and for offering to help others. So happy you and the children got away.
Isn’t scary, how abusers can carry on in public as if they are the kindest people? Then, they go home and do things like this? I’m so glad you had that lightbulb moment and got out of there with your kids. You said he got bored with the hitting and took it to the bedroom. Thank you for getting out before he got bored with you and took it to the kids. Your strength and bravery have most likely saved their lives from being the hell yours was.
hi
I’m sorry to say I DO UNDERSTAND
so much of what you wrote.
Maybe I’ll share a little too someday
but I’m surviving by shutting it out.
Thank you for sharing.
I understand the beating and the kiss the next morning.
I am glad you are safe now.
Glad you’re out!!!! Take care.
me
I’m so proud of you! It’s never easy for anyone to find courage to leave…and save themselves and their children, so happy you did!
I hope people find strength from this post.
Thanks for sharing..and for being an inspiration.
What am amazing and brave lady you are. To find the courage to leave this with children to take care of is especially hard. People like this destroy your self-confidence. My heart applauds your courage. So thankful you and your children are safe and well now.
Have a blessed life. You deserve it after such abuse. I pray this man was also prosecuted as well.
I am so glad you found the strength to leave. It likely saved your life and possibly your childrens.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank heavens you were able to get yourself and your babies out. Many blessings and much peace to you and all of yours.
I placed this website in my reader over a week ago. I took the pledge. I may even write something of my own, someday.
But your post is the first I’ve actually read. I was afraid to begin reading.
I’m glad I did…and so much more glad that you had the courage to find help.
I am glad you left with your children, and can share your stories with others. We all need to be more aware, to help each other, and the innocent children.
thank you for sharing your story – I just have to shake my head at your entire experience – you are a strong person for leaving!!! and you are teaching your kids to be strong as well
oh, my friend. i am so glad you are safe.
You are an incredibly strong person. I am happy you are safe.
You truly are a strong person. You did more for your children by leaving then you will ever know! I’m happy you got out!
thank you thank you thank you for posting this story. you will never know what good it has done me to read it – but it has. you are brave and strong and have set an example for your kids by your actions that i now know i need to set for mine.
thank you and i’m glad you are safe and free now.
You’re the first person who’s actually been able to show the rationale behind “cutting” to me. Not that it’s suddenly easy to understand. Am very glad you were able to get away, and I hope nothing like this ever touches you or your family again.
Dear MM, I find your story particularly disturbing. Makes me want to cry. How can someone loved and trusted, whom you believe loves you in return, be so cruel and violent. I don’t begin to understand this. And that it is in epidemic proportions…truly horrifying. Thank you for sharing your story. It can’t have been easy revisiting those memories.
Eaton.
I struggled so much reading this post.
I have a tendency to soak up people’s emotions and the rawness of yours cut deep into my heart!
It’s so incredible to think about the complicated answer to a simple question asked by somebody on the outside looking in: “Why is she wearing long sleeved shirts on this HOT day!?”
Although, once you’ve seen, you can’t unsee.
I know the dark circles of hunger under a child’s eyes and the reason behind a girl hunching over with her hair covering her face.
Thank you for sharing!