my friend whose name I won’t type here
I have been reading this woman’s blog for ages. I’m not typing her name out here because her situation is fresh, ongoing, and dangerous — and I don’t want to add to her Google-ability.
The interesting thing is, her blog falls into the comedy category. She’s a make-you-spit-coffee-on-your-laptop kind of blogger. If you appreciate a laugh, you’ll appreciate her rare gift for impeccable comedic timing. All this time she rarely, if ever, mentioned her relationship on her blog. She always kept it light and funny.
Those who have followed her have seen a change in the last month or so. They know that she ended her relationship, moved out with her children, and started a new life. They don’t necessarily know the whole story.
I’m so honored that she is telling it here today.
***
As I sit here typing, I am shaking because I know if he finds this, there will be consequences. He will come after me and my friends and my family. That’s not just the fear-I’ve-been-trained-to-live-with talking. That’s a proven fact.
He’s already done it, about a month ago, when I didn’t come home one night and he drove by my apartment all night. Waiting for me. But I also know this story has to be told because, if you saw me on the street, if I was your co-worker, your friend or your daughter, you’d have never known that for a year I was being abused.
It was the best kept secret in town. As far as anyone knew, we were the perfect family. He showered me with designer shoes, purses, clothes, and lots of romantic gestures that made me the envy of every woman I knew. Even sales-ladies at the stores would tell him they wished their husbands were as thoughtful as him. My kids adored him and he was involved in all their school activities, so all the teachers adored him, too. We were going to have the most romantic wedding since Princess Diana and Prince Charles.
What no one knew was that behind closed doors, I was living in terror. I was scared to leave the house, scared to speak and scared to go to bed at night because I never knew what was going to set him off.
I don’t remember why it started, but I remember when. Early Christmas Eve morning, 2007. We’d been together for a little less than a year. We were fighting after a party we’d just attended where we’d both been drinking. I made him angry, and he came at me, hand balled into a fist. I thought he was coming at my face and I ran. He put his fist through the wall. Then he kicked my daughter’s mesh laundry basket across the house, showering me with socks and underwear. I barricaded myself in my son’s room with boxes I still hadn’t unpacked from our move and he still busted through the door and told me if he wanted to get to me, I’d never be able to keep him out. I laid awake the rest of the night waiting for him to come kill me and thanking God the kids were gone.
It slowly escalated from there with lots of intimidation, mental and emotional abuse. He would wait until I fell asleep each night and he would rip me from my sleep, screaming at me about what a total piece of shit I was. He would come at me like he was going to hit me but would stop just short of doing it. He would attack everything I said and did. The first actual physical incident came when he picked me up and threw me into a wall. Then he choked me. He hurt my back and bruised my arms. Then he apologized and promised to never do it again.
But he did, and I thank God he did. Yes, I know that sounds strange, but I thank God he slammed my head into the wall so hard that it woke my daughter from her sleep on the second floor. I thank God he threw us out in the middle of a cold, rainy night in the middle of December because that incident gave my eleven-year-old daughter the courage to look me in the eyes and say, “I’ve been praying for God to help us mommy because I didn’t feel like I could protect you from him and I needed you to be safe.” That gave me the courage to finally leave for good.
Until that final incident, I hid all of this from everyone. From my friends, my family, my co-workers. No one had a clue. I was always perfectly dressed and made up, with a smile on my face and a joke for anyone that would listen. When I had to tell, I was mortified. That’s right — I was humiliated. Here I am, a smart, college educated woman who has spent most of her adult life raising two kids totally alone, and I let someone abuse and intimidate me for a year. I felt like such a loser.
I’m still scared and I still wonder how I let this happen to me and my kids, but I at least I am free. And I know, without a doubt, I will never be a victim again.
***
Quick editor’s note: Unfortunately, I’ve had to turn on comment moderation. I will try to clear comments as often as possible.
59 Responses to “my friend whose name I won’t type here”
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Congratulations on freeing yourself and your kids. I wish you the very best.
You story took a lot of courage to tell. Thank you for telling it. I wish the best for you and my heart wishes I could make everything better for you.
So brave. So brave and strong you are for leaving. A year can seem like an eternity, but you got out. You are brave, you are strong, you are an inspiration to all women who believe they cannot get out, could never leave, could never be strong enough. You have done yourself and your children proud, and given yourself and your kids a gift that cannot be matched. I wish you the very best in your new, violence free life, you wonderful woman.
You and those children are so very brave. Don’t question yourself-abuse can and has happened to so many of us, regardless of context or education or age.
You’re a strong woman, and you WILL get past this. Thank you for sharing.
Thank God you are safe & thank YOU for telling your story. Be safe.
WOW! Your daughter will never be a victim again either. She saw and she knows. God Bless you and your family and I am happy that you are free from that abuse.
I’m so glad you’re sharing your story, and that you got out. Sending strength your way, and good thoughts. Stay safe.
The hair on my skin was bristling as I read this. It frightened me because I couldn’t help but think of how many other woman are exactly where you were.
But, and this is important, where you WERE. It’s clear that you recognized the jeopardy you were in, and, still are. And because your situation is what it is, it’s important that those closest to you are very aware. You need to be able to live your life and your children need their mother. Your daughter’s response made me cry. And not just because she is so very right and so wise well beyond her years. (I was that kid 30 years ago – and it made me flash to my own mother and what we went through with my father.)
I pray you will be safe and that you are able to get back on track as quickly as possible. (I ask for a lot when I ask.) I know it won’t be as easy as that sentence sounds, but every step you take will make it all worthwhile. I hope you’ve found some kind of peace in telling your story as I know it took a lot of courage. You have sent a clear message to others – those women who are exactly where you were.
I hope they heard it.
You see the good in people. You see their potential. That’s a good thing.
I pray you safety and healing, for you and your children.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are very brave.
My mother was a victim of abuse many years ago, before I was born. I really hate that someone can take it upon themselves to administer physical violence to someone they have agreed to love. It scares the crap out of me. But everytime I hear another story about escape, I thank God for women who know their worth. Bless you and your family. Many well wishes.
Thank you so much for sharing but thank you even more for getting yourself and your kids out of harms way. Good job and keep your chin up, momma.
Your kids will grow up stronger because of what you managed to do. You will be stronger, and you will now be helping someone else take that step. You done good.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I see so much of myself in the women that have been abused. I know that I came very close to becoming one and it’s only stories like these that made me pay attention and get out before the abuse started. Please keep your children safe. Thank you again for sharing.
been there, hid that.
you are not alone….
prayers and good wishes and please, let me know if you need a safe place to stay… we’ll figure out the logistics.
What an amazing thing you have done by establishing this critically important resource.
By giving a voice to this tragedy, you ensure fewer people will have to go through this in future.
babe, there’s a loser in this story, but it sure isn’t you. you are the woman who raised that amazing little girl.
oh, and i just left you an anonymous comment on your blog but because i link here, i didn’t want him to be able to follow a trail of crumbs to this post.
You are not and were not EVER a loser. As a matter of fact, I think you are quite the champion. I’m praying for you and your kids.
So happy you got out. And you got your kids out…
It will get better and you will be stronger for it.
Thank you for sharing your story, you are a brave woman, never forget that.
“Humiliation” is a common theme unfortunately. So is second guessing yourself. Hopefully you’ve come to realize just how insidious batterers can be when it comes to divesting themselves of culpability. And they’re very skilled at convincing their victims, and those around the victim that the fault lies elsewhere. It’s part of the tool kit. Isolate the victim form those that care about her, bring her allies and potential allies over to your side leaving her alone and vulnerable. And failing that, at least get her to believe that she’s alone.
And that’s really the message I hope this blog is sending. “You are not alone, no matter what you’ve been told.”
I hope you find — or make — your peace soon. Not with him, with yourself. Because you are not to blame. And my fondest wish for you is that you come to know that.
Thank you for sharing. Sharing that story takes courage and I applaud you for taking the time to let others know they are not alone.
I am so proud of you for getting out.
I remember being 5, my brother 7, and we sat by the banister and listened to our father and mother go at it. Again. They never hit each other; that they saved for us.
That night, we walked down the stairs and interrupted them. We said, “One of you needs to leave. Now.” My father left and never came back.
That moment has dictated so many others in my life, I can’t tell you. That moment I knew I had power to change my situation. It’s a testament to your daughter and the job you’ve done with her that she could find the courage to say that to you.
Congratulations. You’re on your way. That you for sharing this.
You’ve taken that hardest of first steps toward freedom. The steps that follow will not always feel like easy ones, but YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH to take them and with each one, your strength will grow. Your kids are so fortunate to have you. Thoughts and prayers to you all.
I love you …you are so strong and I am so proud to call you a friend. you are so right I had no Idea. I love you
Thank you so much for sharing this.
This is awful. Like most people “on the outside,” I’ve never knowingly encountered such a reality of fear and misery. Why does a man hit his wife? I hope folks who are on here have sought counseling and have some kind of rationale from someone with a license and experience in helping folks cope with this, because I can’t wrap my naive mind around the “why” and “how” parts of this equation.
Normally, I would think it’s good that I can’t relate or comprehend this, but I’m staring my own law firm and financial counseling firms next month, and I’m sure I’ll run across clients who are emotionally hurting, and I won’t know why.
Good for you for taking those first very brave steps. It’s a long haul. A friend of mine went through this very thing and the best thing she did was to get counseling for her and her kids. I wish you all the best.
From one survivor to another…my thoughts are with you and your kids. You are certainly not loser…he is the loser. He’s not even a man. I hope you realise that it’s not your fault. At all. Even for staying as long as you did. Fear causes us to do a lot of things that seem irrational to those who haven’t experienced such a situation. We stay, in a sense, to keep us (and our loved ones) safe. Those of you who have been in similar situations will completely understand that bit of thinking.
If you need someone to talk to…ask Maggie…she has my email.
Reading about your story and your bravery and strength is inspirational. Congrats on taking control of your life!
Wow! You are most certainly not a loser!! You got yourself out & that is what’s most important, for you & your kids! I’m glad you are away from it & hope one day you do feel safe again. All my best to you – I’ll be thinking about you, just as I always do.
So glad you got you and your children out of that. It took a lot of courage to leave and so much bravery to share your story here with it still so fresh. You raised a very smart young lady. You are all in my thoughts.
You are extremely brave, an inspiration and I am very happy that you and your children were able to get out before things were able to get any worse.
I wish you and your family all the best!
I could just weep for you.
I don’t have any else to say really, other than that.
I’m so happy you are no longer in that situation and I hope you find complete happiness very soon.
I’m so sad you had to endure that, but so happy you got out. I pray you and your children find safety, peace, and healing now that you’re away from him.
Oh, boy. That girl of yours? Awesome that she had the guts to say that to you! So very sad that she felt the need to say it.
You’re a good mom. You are most certainly NOT a loser. By walking away, you just taught your kids a valuable lesson. I applaud you.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Your daughter is as brave as her mom. So very glad you made the break. Stay safe!
Eaton.
Courageous dear friend. I’m all too familiar with the secret no one knows, the perfect guy everyone sees. To even being told you look tough enough to defend yourself when the bruises started peeking out of long sleeve shirts. Perhaps…who knows why we fear, why it happened to us. The courage lies in the telling, taking away the control the fear they had over us. Thank you for this! (Hugs)Indigo
wow what a moving post..thank you for sharing your experience and congratulations on your liberation!
This gave me goosebumps; I was so afraid for you and your daughter, and so very glad you were both able to leave. I’m hoping like mad that his throwing you out means he’s washed his hands, and won’t be looking for you. I’m also hoping you’ve found a way to let the school know that this animal has no business going anywhere near your kids as well.
You’re very brave, and my heart goes out to you – no one should have to go through what you’ve gone through.
Hug those babies tight and when you’re through, hug yourself. There IS light, there IS safety. You’ve already done the bravest thing. Just remember to love yourself and take each step easy. There will be peace in the valley, gal. I promise.
I shared a story that was ten years old today, and felt scared. I can’t imagine what went through your head as you were deciding to send this in.
I have tears in my eyes for you and your brave daughter, and like every story here I will be carrying you in my heart.
I am so glad that you have gotten yourself out of that relationship. I’m so sorry that you must continue to live in fear. You are very strong and courageous, and your strength will inspire.
Thank you for sharing your story.
You are a very brave woman. I am so relieved to hear that you got out and that you are okay. A old coworker of mine has a story similar to yours. No one knew what was happening until she began showing up drunk to work as a coping mechanism. The last I heard from her, she was looking for her own place but, sadly, I don’t know if she ever did. I can only hope that she finds this site and reads your story. Thank you for sharing this.
It goes to show that this can happen to anyone. I’m so glad that your friend was one of the ones smart enough & with enough self worth to be able to get out.
You’re very brave. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that you are able to create a new and happy life for yourself and your children.
It’s stories like yours that remind us that everyone has something going on that we don’t always know…and so we should remember to be kind and loving to each other.
I thank God you’re out, too. Your story is so familiar…
You are amazing – good for you getting out, and for raising a daughter so strong and smart.
What a strong and brave woman you are..
It is so sad and twisted the way victims are the ones who end up feeling embarrassed and humiliated by abuse. To think that they are the ones enduring the mistreatment, only to end up feeling ashamed in the end..
I hope you are past that now, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You should be proud of how strong and brave you were, not only for getting you and your children out.. but for sharing your story here and speaking out.
Your daughter’s statement broke my heart. I am so glad you are “out.”
You are an inspiration, for finding the strength and courage to leave, and to tell your story here. I hope and pray you can find peace and safety and start your life anew without living in fear. Bets of luck to you and your kids!
i’m sorry you have had to go through this.
i have lived a similar life and can totally related to hiding it, and being sooo totally humiliated when i finally had to tell people about it
good luck to you… stay safe!
Oh lord. Thank you, thank you, thank you for angels like your daughter, who had the courage to tell you what SO MANY kids think in their heads as they see their moms get pounded. God bless you and your children. I pray that you remain safe, and that you find peace in this.
Good luck.
“Until that final incident, I hid all of this from everyone. From my friends, my family, my co-workers. No one had a clue. I was always perfectly dressed and made up, with a smile on my face and a joke for anyone that would listen. When I had to tell, I was mortified. That’s right — I was humiliated. Here I am, a smart, college educated woman who has spent most of her adult life raising two kids totally alone, and I let someone abuse and intimidate me for a year. I felt like such a loser.”
This is me. Thank you for sharing your story. I sobbed as I read it. I’ve been separated from my emotionally abusive husband for a week and two days now and still no one really knows except for one friend. And Maggie. I feel stupid but my therapist is helping me process my feelings. Anger is the main one right now.
[...] and good, so I ignore the red flags and then was somehow shocked when I got my ass kicked by him. My story is here (this is a great site and Maggie kicks ass for creating it). It’s too long and depressing to go into in this post. It’s been a pretty interesting [...]
I thank you from the deepest of my heart for telling this story.
I cried as I read that, I’m just happy that you left….amazing how we hide it and amazing how we are the ones that are embarassed. Thank you for sharing. I wish you the best of luck in the world.
I’m so glad you got out! Thank you for sharing your story with the world, who would otherwise continue in ignorance of what can happen behind closed doors. And by ‘world’, I mean me.
I am so happy that you managed to get out of that situation. You are so strong and brave; never doubt that. Thank you for sharing your story.