New feature! Wednesday Q&A: I suspect my neighbor is being abused, what do I do?
Each Wednesday we feature a Q&A with an expert. This column is not legal advice, nor is it intended to take the place of legal advice, professional counseling, crisis intervention, or safety planning. For legal or emotional support or for safety planning specific to your situation, please access help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline or from a domestic violence agency near you. This column is intended for educational purposes only.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to maggie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
Question:
In the last 6 to 8 months I’ve been listening to my across-the-street neighbors fight vehemently, several times a week. I’ve seen him lock his wife out of their house late on night. I watched him ram his baby’s stroller into the back of his toddlers big wheel, telling him to ‘hurry up and get up the hill’. I heard and seen him scream at wife and his children, every day, for offenses I can’t detect. He’s totally comfortable doing so in full view of me on my porch, in my driveway, getting my mail.
Today, half working on a project for my job, half watching “the view” and half-listening to my young dog and a friends puppy scrap in the backyard I heard something that made me drop everything and run to the front door. Someone was being hurt. I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from., no one was on the street, either direction. Then it dawned on me, it was them, and it was from INSIDE their house. I listened for a minute and heard her, “Go away, Go away, Go away.”
I thought of your writers, of how the plea has been for someone to see, to acknowledge to reach out. I called the police.
They came and left., and as I watched the police go from door to door, I watched him close the window and pull the blinds. I have spent the day worrying that I have put her, them in more danger., I can only hope not, hope I did the right thing, I could not block out the words of your writers. I heard and I refuse to stop hearing.
I am sick with worry. I want to hurt him., but mostly I want him to know I am watching., and to think twice.
I think I want to thank you and your writers, because I fear that had I not been reading, I would have pretended not to hear and maybe done the worst thing of all, nothing.
Response:
First, I want to commend you for your instincts. You listened, you noticed, you spoke up. There are interventions that can cause more harm for victims than help — however, if you suspect an assault is in progress, you should ALWAYS call the police. Immediately. Ignoring a possible assault should never be an option. And calling 911 is far safer and more appropriate than attempting to intervene yourself.
We talk a lot in this movement about bystanders — the people who see and hear, yet do nothing, sometimes out of fear, sometimes because they don’t know what to do, sometimes because they don’t recognize what is happening as wrong. We encourage people to speak up — in ways that are safe and appropriate to the situation — when they are aware of someone being harmed. This is what you did. Thank goodness you were not a bystander.
From your letter, it sounds like you are wrestling with whether to do more, and how you can be of further help to your neighbor. If you are considering approaching her, please be aware of her safety, as well as your own. For example, do not approach her when there is any chance her husband may be home; ask her if it’s a safe time and/or place to talk.
Also, be aware that your neighbor may at first minimize or deny the abuse. She might react with anger or embarrassment. She might ask you to leave. But it is still important to communicate to her that she is not alone, that someone else cares, and that help for her and her children is available.
Some tips for approaching victims of domestic violence include:
- Start by expressing concern. (“I am concerned someone may be hurting you, and I am worried about your safety.”)
- Take the time to listen, and believe what she says.
- Be sensitive: Do not accuse, diagnose, or judge her choices; do not draw conclusions about what she may be experiencing or feeling; do not judge or criticize her abuser.
- Communicate that you care about her safety, that she does not deserve to be hurt, and that the abuse is not her fault.
- Remember that you are not the expert. Do not try to provide counseling or advice, but do connect your neighbor to trained people who can help, by sharing with her the number of your local or national Domestic Violence Hotline and/or other agencies that can help.
- Consider calling the hotline yourself — not on behalf of the victim, but to learn more about the kinds of help available, to ask questions specific to your situation, and to learn how you can be the most effective ally and friend.
A helpful list of do’s and don’ts when helping a friend who is experiencing domestic violence can be found here.
One critical point to remember: There are reasons your neighbor may be choosing to stay. It is possible her abuser has threatened to hurt her or their children if she tries to leave. He may control all of their finances and may have isolated her from friends and family, leaving her with very few resources of her own. He may have promised to change, and she may still love him. It is important to respect her choices.
The truth is, leaving is very, very difficult, and it usually takes very careful planning. Victims are six times more likely to be killed by their abusers when trying to leave. As a result, it is never as simple as encouraging a victim to “just leave” – but by all means, communicate to your neighbor that help does exist, and that people in her community care about her and her children and want them to be safe.
And finally, please be sure to take care of yourself. This clearly is causing you significant emotional strain and anxiety (how could it not?). Many people in your position often feel guilty that they can’t single-handedly save someone else from the pain and degradation of domestic violence. But the truth is, no one person can. In your community, most likely there are trained domestic violence advocates waiting and able to help. Connecting your neighbor with a hotline number and communicating to her that she is not alone is a huge step. That is the first step to safety.
***
Carrie K. is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
10 Responses to “New feature! Wednesday Q&A: I suspect my neighbor is being abused, what do I do?”
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This is a great new feature. I’m looking forward to seeing future installments.
~M.E.
Wow, a really good question, right out of the box. I’ve often wondered what the correct protocol would be in a situation like this one. Thank you for answering this.
This is good, sensible information. I hope it encourages someone to step up to the plate to offer help.
To paraphrase, evil flourishes where good people do nothing.
I am SO glad that the DV community is getting involved in answering peoples questions. The more people know the safer our communities will be. The more people know the smaller the stigma will shrink. And the more people know the easier it will be for our daughters and granddaughters to see abuse before it gets to them. Thank you for starting this feature.
-Emma
Great feature and a great person for doing something.
Back in the day, the cops could come and go without doing anything. Now, if they see someone is injured, the victim doesn’t have to press charges — the officer can!
Thank God that things are changing. It’s slow, but it’s changing.
This is a great addition to VU, and as someone else already pointed out a fantastic first question to answer right out of the gate. To the writer, I’d say your response was bang-on perfect. If the guy didn’t know before, he knows now that someone’s paying attention. And the local cops are informed too. Which did a couple of things for your neighbor. First it defused the immediate situation which is the most important thing. But second — as a practical matter — it establishes a pattern which gives more credibility to your neighbor if she should need help in the future. It’s not just he-said-she-said now. There’s a record of a call to police, a record of a witness. It’s in the books that she’s not “crying wolf”. And even now, when the awareness is much higher than it was even 10 years back, that’s important. It’s important to any case that may be made against him and important to the woman herself. Because she too knows that she’s not crying wolf, that she’s not crazy, that this is wrong and she shouldn’t be treated this way.
Maybe you feel like it wasn’t enough, but your neighbor is grateful for it. She may not realize just how grateful yet.
And Carrie, from the very bottom of my heart and soul thank you for volunteering to take this feature on. What VU has accomplished to date has been amazing. The support and empathy I’ve seen here is astonishing, but it’s raised the question “What can we do about it?” Your contribution was the perfect adjunct, the catalyst that can turn empathy into action. Thank you.
I’m so glad you intregated the Q&A part to this site! I always keep my local SOS shelter and hotline number printed on cards to give out. In extreme situations you may never get a chance to talk to the woman alone, but may without notice be able to slip a card to the victim un-noticed.
As for calling the cops – yes, as many times as need be. One of the mistakes someone makes when they make that initial call and the victim still stays is:
a) there was no threat
b) she doesn’t want to leave so why bother
c) you’re wasting your time it doesn’t make a difference…
All the above couldn’t be more wrong. Every time someone shows up on your door, it’s a reminder you’re not alone and someone hears you. Each time it gives just a little more courage to escape that life.
Thanks again for everything that is done here for surviors as well as informing those who don’t know how to help. (Hugs)Indigo
So is it NEVER okay to confront the abuser as an outside party? I’ve often wondered that since my first instinct would be to run out the door and dress him down good for ramming his kid’s big wheel. Am I wrong?
I have a friend who lives next door that is being emotionally abused by her husband. She has a mental illness and can not defend herself. Who do you talk to to get help??She is back in the phychiatric unit and ended up there because of the stress it is causing her but the husband still visits her alone and afterwards she is more messed up. At this rate she will never get well. The hospital staff and the doctors have been made aware of the way she has been treated by the husband yet they still allow him private visits with her. He has even said in a meeting with the doctors and a social worker that he does not love her and just wants her home so she can go back to work and finish paying off bills. Than she can leave because he is done dealing with her.
Thank you for posting this information, I think we need more access to information like this – it is a wonderful tool you have started. After reading this I am going to call a hot line to get more information on how to help my cousin. Thank you so very much.