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“Drugged"

*****

I remember what I wore.

I still have the denim jacket.

I didn’t want the med examiner to put it with the rape kit and the rest of my clothes as evidence.

It’s designer.

I remember he was a friend of a friend.

A friend of a friend I once trusted.

I remember eating pizza at Mellow Mushroom.

I remember talking about friends we both knew from back home.

I remember enjoying myself.

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I remember getting in the bar underage because he worked there.

I remember sitting at a table against a dark wall.

I remember feeling “cool.”

BUY KLONOPIN OVER THE COUNTER, I remember him ordering drinks. Not from a waitress but at the bar himself.

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I remember how many I drank.

I remember talking about my boyfriend (now my husband) and how they would get along well.

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My legs went numb.

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I remember he said he would take me home.

I remember him lifting my arm over his shoulder to help me to his car.

I remember him opening the car door for me.

I remember getting in the car.

I remember buckling my seat belt.

That’s where I stop remembering… I think…

What’s in my mind after clicking the seat belt could be true or false… reality or imagination.

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I don’t know. I will never know, KLONOPIN australia, uk, us, usa. KLONOPIN recreational, Truly. I cannot turn back the clock.

I remember wanting to turn back the clock.

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I remember saying “no.”

I think I remember saying “no” as he pinned my wrists and spread my legs.

It was a whisper.

My voice was hoarse.

I remember pain… physical and emotional.

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I remember waking up in his bed. He was on the floor, KLONOPIN long term. Japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, Naked.

I remember seeing the condom wrapper on the alarm clock.

I remember what time it was.

I remember searching his apartment for a bathroom and being violently ill.

I remember finding articles of my clothing scattered.

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I remember getting dressed while he was still sleeping.

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I remember seeing that he had gone through my purse because my wallet was out, opened, order KLONOPIN no prescription, Is KLONOPIN safe, invaded.

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Nothing had been stolen.

Everything had been stolen.

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I remember him waking up as I zipped my jeans.

I remember him asking why I was crying.

I remember him driving me to my dorm.

I remember the silence.

Deafening.

*****

I remember him putting his hand on my knee when I opened the car door to get out.

I remember wanting to vomit on his hand.

I remember him asking me if I wanted to go to church with him tomorrow.

I remember wanting to vomit on his hand.

I remember thinking “what the fuck?!”

I remember him asking me if I was ok.

I remember saying, “I don’t think so.”

I remember wanting to vomit on his hand that was on my knee.

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I remember showering in scalding water.

I remember burning my skin.

I remember using an entire bar of soap until it disintegrated.

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I remember vomiting more and more and more…

Til there was nothing left inside of me.

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But it was all already gone.

Nothing was left.

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I remember driving myself to the ER.

I remember telling the triage nurse, “I think I was raped.”

I remember her glaring at me and asking, discount KLONOPIN, KLONOPIN coupon, “you think?”

I remember having vials of blood drawn.

I remember the med examiner looking for evidence from my body.

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They took what was left of me.

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I remember she was frustrated with me because I had already showered and peed.

“Very little evidence here, buy cheap KLONOPIN no rx, KLONOPIN trusted pharmacy reviews, ” she said while I laid with my legs spread open.

I remember being alone.

Entirely alone.

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I remember the exam, the doctor, order KLONOPIN from United States pharmacy, KLONOPIN gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, the cop who sat in the corner.

The rape kit.

I remember the doctor saying, “the abundance of tearing of the tissue is sign of trauma to the area.”

I remember thinking “what the fuck does that mean?”

I remember crying while some stranger combed my pubic hair… for his strays.

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I remember a bruise under my right arm pit from him carrying me over his shoulder.

A bruise on my collar bone.

I remember someone saying, KLONOPIN dosage, KLONOPIN pics, “it’ll be he said/she said…”

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I remember asking someone to call my mom.

I remember they left her a voicemail.

Who leaves a fucking voicemail?

I remember leaving the ER and going back to my dorm.

I had to be given clothes to wear home.

They were tossed in the garbage that same day.

I remember hating those clothes.

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I remember curling up in a ball on my twin-sized bed and bear-hugging myself until it hurt.

I remember wanting it to hurt.

I remember emailing my boyfriend (now husband) to “CALL ME.”

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I remember my dad having to get off a plane he had just boarded after receiving a phone call from my mom, saying what had happened to me.

I remember not speaking for an entire 24 hour period, buy KLONOPIN from canada, Where can i order KLONOPIN without prescription, once my parents arrived.

I remember sitting with my knees curled up to my chest for those 24 hours in the hotel room I stayed in with my parents.

I remember my mom on the phone with my brother.

I remember hearing him ask, “how is she?” and mom answering, “she’s quiet, very quiet.”

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I remember being questioned incessantly by the police…

I remember the district attorney was female.

I remember being grateful for that.

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But I didn’t know. I didn’t know everything they wanted me to know, to answer.

I remember the police finding the drug in his apartment.

I remember being told by the police officer “he and his roommate are in the next room,” as I gave my written statement… signed my written statement.

I remember wondering if his roommate was there that night.

Involved…

*****

I remember not remembering.

__________

Nic blogs at My Bottle’s Up.

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141 Comments | August 6, 2009 | Filed Under sexual abuse, survivor story