Pam
I got married at eighteen and stayed for 23 years. I wanted that fairy tale, and I thought I had it all. I had a great guy I thought loved me more than anything, but what he really wanted was someone he could control.
It started out slowly at first. I couldn’t hang out with my friends or family anymore, but I thought it was because he just wanted to spend all his time with me. It never occurred to me what was going on because he wasn’t physically abusing me yet.
I was lonely. Yes, I had my job, and I had him, but after a while I had no friends or family that I felt like I could tell what was going on. So I made the decision to become a mom. I wanted a baby so badly and I thought he did too, but was I ever wrong.
After the birth of my first son my husband disappeared. I hardly ever saw him, but when I did, he wanted only one thing — and four months later I was pregnant again. I was in shock. What was I going to do? I had to quit my job after having my second son — it would have cost too much to pay for a babysitter for two babies.
That’s when it started. No matter what I did, it was wrong. If I said the sky was blue, it was black. Then came the yelling and the pushing, which escalated into hitting — but he was smart. He knew where to hurt me so that no one could see the bruises — who was going to believe me? I was so alone.
He started drinking and it got worse and worse. The abuse was so bad I thought he was going to kill me. There were guns and knives involved and threats – he swore if I ever told, he would hurt me worse. I was so scared. But after a beating he was always sorry, and I always forgave him. It would take a book to write down all the situations of abuse I went through, and maybe someday I will do just that.
The last straw for me was in 2002. I was in a horrendous car accident where the other driver, my neighbor, was killed. We were really good friends with him and his family. I truly believe my husband blamed me. He called me a murderer and it stuck. I felt like I had killed someone even though I was so hurt myself, having surgeries left and right, and he still hit, pushed and verbally abused me. By this time my boys were old enough to step in — and that they did. They are good, strong boys, very protective of their mom, and they had had enough! My husband shoved a phone in my chest, where my sternum was already broken from the accident – this landed me back in the hospital. I really could have died that day because the doctors said my sternum was sitting wrong and had he hit me any harder it would have punctured my heart.
While I was in the hospital for that one, they had him move out. I saw him only once after that and that was the day of the divorce. He has called a few times threatening me still, but my sons have told him, “Do it again and it won’t be pretty.” He is scared of them.
I could go on all day but more than anything I have to say if you’re going through anything like this get out while you can. There are many times when I could have died. I was lucky, and because of my boys I am who I am today. We are so close. They saved my life. I am a survivor!
I have a cousin who was not so lucky; she was killed last year. So many people at her funeral told me, “That could have been you.” Remember: it could be you, too. Get help, and get out.
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Pam blogs at Aunt Pam’s Closet.
36 Responses to “Pam”
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Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that last line will help many others in a similar situation.
So many of your words jump off the page for me. “Control”. “Alone”. “Escalation”. They echo so many stories just like yours. The cycle of violence, remorse, forgiveness… They’re always sorry afterward aren’t they?
But as much as it grieves me to hear this story, it fills me with hope to hear how it turned out. For you and for your sons. They’ve broken the cycle.
And now, with your story — which I guarantee is a mirror of many others — you might have broken it for another family, or dozens or even hundreds of others.
So thank you, for all those who have no voice, thank you for speaking up. For telling those others “You are not alone.”
What a blessing to have two strong sons who love you. I am glad you survived and can now help others by sharing your story.
This is truly horrifying. I am so sorry about your cousin, and what you had to go through! I am really happy for you that you were able to get out of it – bless your sons!!
Thank you for sharing your story. You made a difference today!
Thank you so much Pam, for sharing your story. Thank goodness you raised your boys to be the men they are. You must be very proud of them.
I have the chills right now. Thank you for sharing your story. And I’m glad your boys supported you, but I hope you are all getting counseling because that’s a lot for two kids to deal with!
Thank you Pam for sharing your story. It takes someone brave to tell their story. I am glad you have the courage to do that. It feels good to be a survivor.
Thank you for sharing your story. What wonderful sons you have!
Oh, dear God, I’m so glad you got out. You’ve raised good boys.
Now, go write that book. I’m sure it will be very cathartic.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
Thank you for sharing and I’m glad your boys were there for you.
that someone should die at the hands of someone who (claimed) to love them makes me nauseous.
I am glad you got away, glad your sons are there for you., and glad you shared your story.
Much love to you.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have chills on my body for how scared you must have been and I have tears in my eyes for how proud I am that you are so strong and you survived! Your voice will help others survive too.
My last thought is I just want to hug those beautiful boys of yours. It’s terrible that they had to go through all that but maybe one day they will be teachers of survival too.
Hugs to all!
Congratulations on finding YOUR Life again, and congratulations to your sons for knowing right from wrong. You must be so proud!
So glad you escaped with your life. Clearly, you did a good job with those boys! It’s nice to have someone on your side and by your side when you’re going through what you did.
Very sorry about your cousin. Kudos to you for speaking out. Your words may resonate with someone who very much needs to hear them.
Thank you for sharing your story. And thank you for putting two more good men into the world. Your strength is so clear… thank you.
thanks to you all for your kind words, abuse is a horrible thing and no women deserves it or man but it happens everyday. I am proud of my sons they will break the cycle and show there so called dad what a real man should be like. Please if your in any situation get out remember abuse starts with the small things like isolation and the gets so much worse, get out and save your life. I hope another women never has to go thru what I did or anyone I know who survived or didnt, as well as all the brave people telling there story on here its a very hard thing to do. Just remember there is always someone out there wiling to listen and help you get out alive. If I helped one person bringing up these horrible memories is worth it I have been out 4 years now. thaks for reading and commenting, Pamela
what beautiful boys you raised
Glad that you finally got out, and so sorry for all you went through. Thanks for being brave enough to share your story, it matters.
Thanks for telling your story. I am glad that your boys stepped in and helped you before it was too late. What a horrible situation to be in.
You are truly lucky to have some amazing sons who were there to stand up for you.
Pam, thank you for being brave enough to share your story. Hopefully, it can save another woman’s life.
I am so, so glad you got out.
I am so, so proud of your boys.
I am so glad that you were able to get out. Thank you for sharing your story, hopefully it will give someone else the strength to get out before it’s too late.
What a blessing that you are willing to step out and share your encouraging words! Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m thankful for you that your boys helped you find the strength to push him out of your lives. I hope you feel their love every day.
Thank you for having the courage to share. I’m so sorry you went through this.
So thankful you have your sons, so sorry you had to go through this. Your strength to share is wonderful.
Out of that horrid mess you boys have become men, strong and protective and loving…you must be one heck of a mom!
Eaton.
What jumps out of this to me is that your boys stood up for you when they got old enough. You obviously raised them right in spite of all you were going through, and I have the utmost respect for you for that. God bless you.
I hope you and your sons can heal and be happy.
I am glad it wasn’t you. I am sorry for your cousin. What a great job you did with your boys. How proud you must be that they will NEVER turn out to be like their father.
I’m sure that this phrase will seem old to me, but i mean it every time…
I can’t imagine your situation. Not nearly as vividly enough to say I can ever understand what you went through.
I’m thankful that you’ve escaped, that you have the courage to speak out, and that your sons seem to be marvelous men…
Best wishes, always.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Words of experience are so very powerful. Stay strong and stand firm.