Pamela
Editor’s note: I get a ton of emails from people saying things like, “My story is not nearly as traumatic/intense/important as the other stories I read on this site.” Pamela herself sent one just last week, with a twist. She wrote:
I keep reading and re-reading all of the VU stories, and I am struck by each and every one of them. Maybe I should use a different word than ‘struck’… but those stories have burned an impression on my soul almost in the way my own experience has. So many of those women have faced certain death and have lived to tell about it. I feel so lucky, so blessed, that my life was not on the line in the way that theirs were.
The thought has crossed my mind that all of them have so much more right to tell their stories, as the physical and emotional pain they must have endured was so much greater than mine, their lives were so much more dangerous.
But the truth of the matter is that any violence, any hitting, any rape, any kicking… ANY and ALL of it is wrong. And ALL of it is less than we deserve, no matter the scope of the problem. I’m glad I sent you my story, because maybe there’s a someone, a victim, who is living what I experienced, who is reading Violence Unsilenced and thinking that the pain she is enduring is not great enough to report, compared to the stories she’s read.I would tell her this: Yes. Your pain is valid. This is not safe for you. Pleasepleaseplease know that there are people who love you and want you to be safe and healthy and that all abuse is abuse.
Yes. Exactly.
Here is Pamela’s story:
***
I pursued him.
We had both picked up a very part-time job raising money for a local not-for-profit’s capital campaign. I was finishing a bonus semester at college (bonus because I needed one more class to be able to graduate), and he needed to supplement his freelancer’s income. He was quiet, almost shy, unassuming, polite… and I pursued him.
I initiated our relationship. I sought him out. I thought I knew the sort of person he was.
Shortly after we started dating, I was pretty much moved into his apartment. Things were going well, mostly, for a while. Then little things started popping up…. He started asking a lot of questions about where I was going, who was I going with, needing specifics. He would be annoyed when I would visit my family out of state, when I’d see my girlfriend across town. He told me so many times he wanted to take care of me that to this day it makes me want to pound my head through a wall when I hear someone say it.
I am not a person that needs to be taken care of. I never have been.
I don’t even remember the first time he raped me. I was asleep, and I woke up to him all over me. I pushed him off, or at least I tried…. I told him to stop. He was taking care of himself, and when he was finished, he rolled over and went to sleep like nothing happened.
Again and again and again it happened. It’s not even a little bit accurate to say “it happened” because it didn’t just happen. He did that to me. He forced me to have sex with him. He raped me so many times I lost count.
It took me a really long time to get out of that relationship. It’s been almost ten years since I’ve seen him. I’m married to a wonderful, gentle man who knows I was raped. And while he’s never told me he’s going to take care of me, he does, in countless ways that are kind and loving; ways that do not require me to be smaller or hurt or less of a woman; ways that are uplifting and genuine and true.
And I am thankful.
***
Pamela blogs at The Dayton Time
37 Responses to “Pamela”
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Pamela, I’m so very glad you decided to send this to Maggie. You may not have been faced with life and death. Not then at least. But if there’s one common thread that runs through all these stories it’s one of escalation. Once an abuser gains control, gets a taste of that power, it feeds an addiction and it takes more to satisfy it. Would you have eventually been in mortal danger? It’s possible. The better question is “Does it matter?”
Thank you for validating all the victims who don’t feel “important enough” because their bruises aren’t visible. Thank you for telling them that they too have the right to be respected and treated fairly. thank you for letting them know that the message – “You are not alone and you don’t have to live this way” – applies to them just as much as it does to the woman with the broken arm or the 40 stitches or the ruptured spleen.
Because nobody should have to live this way.
Nobody.
ANY abuse is too much. There are just certain things that are unforgivable as well. I’d have to say you’ve suffered those. Your story is important in making that point.
Glad that you have found someone who can care FOR you. (The key problem with the phrase “take care of” is the verb take.) May peace and healing be yours.
your story is powerful. It has meaning, it is special. It is yours. Your story means so much to you and others who read it. Thank you for posting it. you are strong and amazing. love.
Your story absolutely is important enough. While you may not have been in a “life or death” situation, your boyfriend forced himself on you. That is abuse…and I’m sure it changed you on some level. And I’m sorry.
i am so thankful you told your story. wow. i’m glad you are now safe and with a real gentleman.
may you get all the healing and peace in the world…cuz you deserve it, and more!
Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think someone in the same situation may think it’s not rape because they are a couple but they would be wrong. It doesn’t matter if you are strangers, a couple or married if you say no it means no.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
Pamela;
I was already in love with you but your bravery to come forward with your story just makes me admire you even more. You are such a strong woman and I think it’s great that you shared this so others can know that abuse in any form, is abuse and not to be tolerated.
abuse is abuse is abuse… in any form, on any level for any length of time. I am proud of you for leaving that relationship and I am proud of you for telling your story…
you have done a great service here just by sharing your story.
of that i am sure.
I think you’re brave to share it. Abuse comes in so, so many forms.
I’m mad. At some jerk far away. So.
I’ll try not to go off on folks who used the words “abuse” and “forcing himself on you” in place of rape.
Love to Pamela. Thanks for the heads up.
XOXO
Joce
Thanks for posting this. You’re right: all abuse is abuse.
actually, that’s pretty horrific. thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this – very moving and I hope helpful to many.
I suspect you avoided spiritual and emotional death and I am rejoicing that you escaped and moved on to your highly functional life.
Thank you for sharing. I pray for all of the women who need to hear your message.
I was rape by someone I thought was a friend. Once. Only once. I can not imagine multiple times. I also never told anyone including my wonderful husband until we had been married about 10 years. Sad; but I was ashamed.
Thank you for sharing. You are correct – any abuse is too much. Thank you again for speaking out.
I had a lot of the same feelings you had – about sharing our abuse. That somehow, what happened to you, what happened to me wasn’t as important the awful things that happened to these other people.
A very wise person (thank you Mojo) told me that every story is important, every voice sharing can reach someone to let them know they are not alone, that they matter…
So thank you, Pamela. Thank you for sharing your voice. You rock
Don’t belittle what happened to you by comparing to other stories. Your story is important – because it happened and you survived. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for telling your story, and reminding us that this is not a competition, it’s not about one-upsmmanship (upswomanship, perhaps?), it’s about real life and how even when sometimes it can get away from you in such a very bad way there is a happy life to be lived once you decide to make it happy and get the heck out of Dodge.
Well done, and congratulations.
My ex used to do this to me. I hated it, I hated sex all together. I didn’t know at the time it was wrong and just thought it was normal. He abused my in many ways sexually and I didn’t realize it was wrong becuase I was so young and he was my first. When we split up my i met a good man, and we are now married. He helped me realize what I went tough before was not normal, not loving, not respectful. Now I have a complelety differenet view on sex, my body and how a woman should really be treated.
Thanks for all your kind words. I hope that all of us, together, have made the difference in someone’s life. You *all* rock!
If only you knew how much this spoke to me…thank you!
Pamela, wow. This was very moving. I know that had to take a lot to share. Your email to Maggie is so right. And your story, thank you for sharing it. I know it will speak volumes for others.
Steph
Thank you for sharing this, even if you didn’t think it was drastic enough. It’s drastic enough to me, because like you said, any and all abuse is unacceptable.
So glad you were able to break free, so glad you were able to share this.
I am so seriously happy you are in a better place now. It’s such a light at the end of the tunnel for many, I believe, to read of happiness that comes after such terrible events.
(((HUGS)))
you are very brave and I’m glad you’ve married a man who treats you as you deserve to be treated..
Thank you for sending this in. No matter how violent the abuse, it’s a game of control that the abuser weilds as a weapon – some more violent than others.
No one has a right to exercise that kind of control over a person. The emotional scars this behavior leaves are far more ugly sometimes than the physical ones.
It took a lot of courage to send this story in. (Hugs)Indigo
Thank you for this, and for helping more people to see that unwanted sex with a partner is still rape!
Thank you for sharing. Sometimes we never know what lies beneath the surface. For someone who seemed so polite, unassuming, shy, working at a not-for-profit–this is probably the kind of person I would have persued.
Pamela always makes me laugh. Today, she made me cry.
No means no, guys. Every time!
I too am glad you are now safe and loved . . .
You are right — abuse is abuse. And “life or death” doesn’t always have to mean physical life or death. Trauma occurs any time our ability to cope — physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual — are overwhelmed and debilitated. Thank you so much for sharing your very important story. You are a survivor and we celebrate you.
First off tysdaddy is right no mean no! Any demeaning belittling behavior is wrong even if there are no bruises, no physical marks the damage that is done from this kind of behavior is ever lasting.
Pamela, not just the rapes but the controlling, the questioning its all part of the trauma you’ve suffered. Know one should minimize your experience, it’s yours you have to live with it not them. If they pass any kind of judgment they aren’t worth your time (sorry to sound like mom).When you need support come here we will not categorize you only listen.
i feel your pain. i know your pain. and i know how liberating it can be to write those words when you have no-way out. it was 4am the first time it happened to me. i remember the smell of bourbon and pizza. it was snowing. it was my husband. it was snowing outside and i felt cold and stared at the cable box as i counted down the minutes until he was done.
it took me years until i let myself trust and i still don’t fully. it is not right. it is not fair, the rage i feel for letting it happen, for letting myself lay there like a rag doll is something i will never forgive myself for, but the strength it gave me and it gave you is something NO-ONE can take away.
live strong, live proud. no-one can touch you anymore.
No matter how long it took you to get out, you did get out! And it is especially wonderful that you have a relationship that is all it should be.
thank you.