Quin
So often those of us who write about violence in our lives start with, “I can’t remember when it didn’t happen.”
I’m one of those people.
I can’t remember when it didn’t happen. As a child, when I’d do something ‘wrong,’ my grandmother would get a willow switch and use it on me. Then she’d tell my mom when she came home from work, so I’d get it there. Finally, my dad would arrive home; by that point, I’d be asking god to just strike me dead.
I was never spanked.
I was beaten. Willow switches (that I had to cut myself), belts, pancake turners… once an antenna. I had my head put through walls, bones broken, bruises everywhere. Even in those years of ‘sparing the rod spoils the child’ mentality, my parents were harsh disciplinarians. I am aware now they were miserable with each other, and took it out on me. My brother was hit on occasion; usually, though, I would take his licks. He was scrawny, and he was my little brother, and I stepped between.
I’m not sure they ever noticed the substitution.
The last time I was beaten I was eighteen. I was on the ground where I’d been slapped to, and being kicked. I heard a rib crack. The next day I moved out to a friend’s house and never went back. When I was a woman my father asked my forgiveness, allowing me the power in our relationship. My mother has yet to acknowledge her mental, emotional and physical damage to me, and we do not speak any longer.
I moved on, not forward — just on. My first love (that I lived with, adored, felt so inferior to) had addiction problems. His way of dealing with me was to… well, beat me. Slaps at first, then punches, then pushing me down stairs.
I left him when I found him outside our bedroom door with a loaded gun. He told me if I came out, he’d shoot me. He was drunk, and I managed to talk my way out, talk my way into getting the gun. Talk my way into living.
I finally felt it was okay to date… I was aware, right?
Wrong. The first man I dated had me over for dinner, for drinks. When I announced it was time for me to leave, he followed me into the bedroom where I had put my coat, and he took his payment for dinner. He kept kissing me, saying how wonderful i was. I guess a sobbing woman lying there after being worn out fighting was a hot date for him? He kept kissing me, and it lead to an aversion to kissing that remains to this day. I used to love to kiss, to feel someone’s mouth on mine; that delicious sensation when the inside of your lip slides over their lips…. He took that from me; took it, and it’s taken me years to recover even that bit of pleasure. I said “no” over and over. Some part of no sounded to him like, “Do me, baby!”
Date rape is something a number of people don’t believe in. Even my (ex) husband, when years after our marriage I finally told him of the event, (the first person I’d ever told!) he said, “Well, you must have done something to let him think you wanted to fuck.”
Why, yes, I did! I ate dinner and laughed and chatted. I suppose he translated my stories of my job into me begging for sex.
The droll side of the story is the guy called me the next night, asking me out again, since, “we’d had such a good time!”
Then, I met my (ex) husband. I thought I was strong and able to put forth a demeanor of being strong and secure. I was so wrong.
I married a man who never touched me physically, but abused me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. He’d ‘talk’ to me in a monotone, a hard voice… telling me how I’d disappointed him, how I’d failed to be a good wife, what a bad person I was. He’d keep it up, as I literally slid down the wall I was leaning against, sobbing and begging him to stop. He’d lean over me as he squatted beside me, still going on and on and on. I don’t remember huge parts of my marriage. I only knew I’d cringe when he’d say, “Would you come back to the bedroom, I want to talk to you.”
He then put me into a place I never want to go again. Weak, beaten down, broken.
It’s been 13 years since he left me for a friend of mine. He left behind children and a house that needed work, and no money. I pawned my diamond, I burned old furniture, I became creative in how to make mac-and-cheese tasty and new. I took account of myself, and stood tall.
I’ve survived parents, abusive men, cancer, and New York City. I found I can care about someone, but I have to watch myself — a phrase from a friend will resonate in me as a negative thing, and I react immediately. I’m learning to listen and digest and not bark answers.
I have strong daughters and supportive sons. I am blessed with wonderful friends, and I found my niche in life; I write and work in theater, and I am content with those things. Do I desire a relationship? To willingly go into that minefield? As I write this, I pause, wondering. I know I have the capacity to love deeply, to care and worry and like and all those good things. I am not sure I have the capacity to accept those same things for myself.
I still struggle with the understanding I am deserving of someone caring about me. I slipped recently, started a relationship with someone and accepted less than what is due me as a person. He didn’t abuse me, he abused my trust — and that, too, is a sin. He did tell me via Facebook he was in a relationship — it simply wasn’t with me! Classy, eh? I breathe a sigh of relief I never kissed him, because that makes me feel I did control some part of that time together.
My dear friend, Nathan, tells me sometimes he thinks before I came to this life, I told the universe, “Just give me all of my karma paybacks now, so I can get them over with!” It makes me laugh, even as I wonder if he’s right. He also reminds me that I am funny and smart and talented and, yes, beautiful. That whomever is in my life is as lucky as I feel having them in mine.
That bit I’m still learning. I only know that every day I wake up, glad I am alive, glad I am willing to love, glad things are certainly stressful at times, but, they are violence-free.
And that, my friends, is a good thing.
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Quin blogs at FMD.
34 Responses to “Quin”
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I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. You absolutely deserve someone in your life–in a relationship who will love you, and treat you with kindness and respect. It isn’t too much to ask at all. I wish all the peace and love there is to be had.
Good for you for breaking free.. and for speaking out! You are brave and strong, and deserving of so much.
Quin – You have come through so much and i wish you the very best of what life and the universe has to offer you. Thank you for sharing your story.
You have come so far. Your determination and strength are inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
My prayer for you is that if you do find that special man, he becomes a husband like mine. It’s the best thing I could wish for you along those lines. I’m glad you have been able to overcome what you’ve been through. I lived through a small amount of what you did. To this day I still have trouble calling the date rape what it was. I was 15.
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sometimes i think my words are just ridiculous replacements for feelings of understanding and empathy and compassion that can’t be contained by little strokes of a keyboard.
i believe there is nothing more powerful than sharing your truth. healing only happens when air hits the wound. and we may not want the scars we have, but that doesn’t mean we can’t tell ourselves they are beautiful.
I have a “This Week on Violence UnSilenced” feature on my sidebar that uses pull quotes from each post as a means of attracting readers. In most cases, I can identify the line(s) to use pretty readily. But in your case, I was at a total loss. Every paragraph brought some new horror.
I’m inclined to agree with your friend Nathan. But if he’s right, you settled your karmic accounts a long, long time ago. No one should be forced to endure the kind of brutality you have for as long as you have. And I ache when I read what it’s done to you, and what it’s taken from you.
I hope that in some way, posting this has allowed you to take a step toward reclaiming those things. Hope that in giving a voice to your pain you’ve released some part of it. Most of all, I hope that you’ll find yourself able to find someone, love someone, have someone who is deserving of you. Even if you choose not to step back into the minefield (an apt description regardless of circumstances), I hope it’s a choice and not something dictated to you by the horror of your history.
All these things I wish for you, from my very core. And from that same place, I thank you for sharing your story here. For placing the offering of your pain on the altar of hope for someone else. Because right now, at this moment, someone is still living that life. Someone is being beaten, someone is being date raped, someone is sliding down that very same wall feeling that very same agony. I hope that your words will reach them somehow, and that in reading them they will begin to realize that what they’re living through is survivable.
Your courage in reclaiming your life is a shining example to others. You courage in showing that beacon to those others is too inspiring to describe in mere words.
For all those whose voices have yet to be heard, thank you.
*applauding* That you have such a wonderful outlook after having bourne all that hate speaks volumes about your strength and character. I cannot imagine how you felt during all of that time, but know that your outlook each day is one step closer to joy.
THAT is the best thing of all — that you know that it’s not your fault; that you’re worthy; and that you just want to keep on trying.
That gives you an inner strength that many people never need to find out if they have. it sounds like you have made the most of it. And while it was a lot to bear, it has no doubt made you a more grateful and hopeful person.
I wish every contributor peace and happiness because those are two things that elude so many of us who have to deal with violence on some level. The same holds true for you — enjoy the beauty of these two gifts.
I’m so proud that you shared your story. You are a brave, brave person and I’m sorry that you’ve been through all that you have.
It saddens me that you had to endure so much! But your strength, courage and will to survive is inspiring. Thank you
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s a sad story, of course – a tragic story. But it is also a story of strength, and of courage. So glad you are here to tell it.
Quin, your article is heartbreaking and yet uplifting, to know that even though many have held you down, you rose up time and again and were determined to fight them with your convictions and your words. You are getting the last word in on those who thought they could silence you by their actions. In this case, your mighty words speak louder than their puny actions! They are the weak ones and you have shown your strength. It shows that people are resilient and that while a person can be broken, they can never be defeated. Each day is a brand new day. You are a brave inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story.
You are one of the strongest people I know. Now I have a sense of how you got to be that way.
Thank you for your story. Someone took kisses away from me for a long time-took years to get it back, and it’s a horrible thing to lose, especially on top of everything else.
Oh, Quinn, I am so sorry to hear your story, and yet I think you’re doing something so many of us can’t, and that’s standing up and taking care of yourself. PS: Have you ever read Audre Lorde? I think you might really love her.
Quin,
This is so beautifully written. You’re amazingly articulate and in tune with yourself. What a wonderful skill.
Nathan sounds like a charming friend, and I”m glad that you have him.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. It’s horrific.
Speaking the unspeakable takes all the power back.
Thank you for having the courage to survive and to share your story.
I read earlier but didn’t respond. Just wanted you to know I read. It’s that simple.
I can certainly see why you would have trust issues. Unfortunately, some sick people are very good at putting up a front that they think others want and need to see. Then when the real self comes out it is scary.
You sound like you are slowly gaining confidence in yourself and your worthiness. Just remember that everyone deserves to be treated special. No one should accept less. No matter what.
Quin:
Thank you for your bravery. Hopefully the good karma will be coming your way thousandfold.
Ways lead onto ways, and you have chosen a safer path now.
thank you to maggie, for the safety of this place.
thank you to all of you, who read and gave me kind words
thank you to all who read, and discovered they are not alone
thank you to god and the universe for giving me the strength to carry on
thank you. all of you.
You are brave and strong to tell your story. So much of it I understand, the things you wrote about your childhood. It breaks my heart, all that you’ve been through, and I’m glad you are safe now.
I hope your path keeps going up from here.
PROUD OF YOU FOR SHARING. YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN.
thank you for doing what so many can’t. you left. you are so strong and brave. you give me hope. thank you. sending you so much love.
Thanks for telling your story here.
beautifully written and felt. all i can say is persist till you get there; it’ll happen.
‘violence-free’ – i wish it for all.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your strength and courage are amazing… To raise strong daughters, and supportive sons, and have such wonderful friends as Nathan tells me how wonderful and strong and deserving and beautiful you are.
Quin,
Wonderfully said! I too applaud you for your strength in sharing. There is a lot familiar; but, a lot no one should have to go through.
I don’t really believe in Karma, per se, rather in the strength our paths have given us and in survival! I do believe there is a reason for everything-even if it is hard to find. I am proud you survived and chose to share.
As for “relationships: I understand how hard it can be to ever trust someone else and trust yourself, as well.
Bless you and keep moving forward!
I hope and pray you gain strength from writing and sharing your very sad story. Shame on anyone who physically/mentally harms another person, Each small step you take is huge and all in the process of getting free. God Bless. Eaton.
Quin…
You amaze me…
Your children and the life you have created and built for yourself… they, and it, are a testament to the courageous spirit you have. That spirit is part of what has allowed you to refuse to fear and to keep your heart open to love.
You deserve many, many, more happy and good things in this world.
I love you, my friend!