Red
“The Birth of Pain.”
I was raped for the first time before I ever had my first kiss. By a boy I had thought I might like to kiss.
All evening long, I’d felt deliciously grown up. A high school junior, I was visiting my brother at college, drinking with him and his friends in his dorm room. They tried to give me beer, but I choked on it. So instead, they handed me a two liter of strawberry wine cooler.
Wanting to seem cool, I drank it. I drank it all. I drank until I felt dizzy, and giggly, and until my hands felt fuzzy. I drank until my crushing shyness was gone, and I could flirt with the handsome swimmer sitting next to me on the bed.
He told me I was cute. No one had ever said that to me before.
He told me I had pretty blue eyes. I was positive no one had ever noticed them before.
And then he stared. He stared and he stared and he stared until I turned red, started to mumble, and eventually, excused myself to go to the rest room.
I still can’t remember all the details of what happened next. I know that as I walked back to my brother’s room, he pulled me into a dark, empty room that smelled vaguely of armpits and stale cologne. I know that he told me that I was pretty, and pulled his face roughly to mine.
But instead of feeling delighted, my heart spiked with fear. Something was wrong. I just didn’t know what. Before I knew it, he was pulling off my clothes. Throwing me on the bed. I landed face-down, choking on the comforter.
And my hands, the hands that had felt delightfully fuzzy before, now betrayed me. They were too clumsy. They couldn’t help me. And my voice? Was gone. I couldn’t scream. Couldn’t yell. Couldn’t even form words.
I didn’t fight back. I just let it happen, letting the dizziness of the liquor keep my voice.
After it was over, I stumbled back to the bathroom. Got horribly ill in a stall.
My brother sent a friend to check on me. I told her it was just the alcohol.
She helped me back to his room. Bundled me into my sleeping bag. Where I lay, staring wide-eyed into the night as my attacker snored peacefully on the bed above me.
I never told a soul what happened. I let it eat away at me, making me terrified of the dark and afraid of strangers.
I went off to college, to a small school where no one knew my name. All in an attempt to forget. I made friends. I went to parties. I drank. A lot. Everybody thought it was just the normal college rebellion, but it wasn’t. It was something much darker.
Then, one night, I got terribly drunk. So drunk I couldn’t stand. But my friends, they wanted to go to another party, so they got me settled in one of their beds. But I couldn’t be alone. Was afraid of the dark.
So they left me with a boy. A friend who promised to watch over me.
That was the second time I was raped.
It was also the beginning of a decade long struggle with depression, and alcohol, and fear, and pain. Somewhere in the middle, I sought therapy, got diagnosed and got drugged.
But the pain still eats at me. There’s still a little voice that says “it was all your fault.” And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to shut it up.
I know I’m still afraid of strangers. Can’t stand to be left alone in the dark. My inability to forgive myself still impacts my marriage… I’m convinced my husband will someday leave me because I’m not good enough.
But I have survived. Even thrived. I have a solid marriage, a beautiful daughter and a rewarding career. Rape was not the undoing of me. It was the end of a version of me, a happier, more innocent me, but it was not the end.
It was not the end.
But still, when the pain gets to be too much, I drink.
####
34 Responses to “Red”
Leave a Reply
I have no words, but I want to think you for sharing. You are a brave women who will continue to do great things.
I know that fear. I do. I may not react the same way, but I know the fear all too well.
I don’t know what to tell you, other than you ARE strong, and you ARE good enough, and nothing that was done to you was your fault.
Oh, I wish I could give you a hug.
I think it’s hard, and equally important, to step outside ourselves and treat ourselves gently. Think of how you would react reading this story told by a stranger. I’ve no doubt you would want her healed and would want her to embrace the thought that it was never her fault. I hope you can look at yourself with kindness and gentleness and hold yourself closely today and tomorrow.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
(((u)))
I shed tears for your pain while I applaud your bravery and compassion because you shared your story. You are a gifted, gifted writer. The brutal, raw, open truth of your story will undoubtedly touch and help so many.
Thank you.
You are good enough and deserve all the happiness possible. What happened to you was not your fault – at all!
Thank-you for sharing.
I’m going to be honest here, I’ve been in a similar situation. Except my brother stepped in. Thank God. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this and hope that you believe in yourself and your strength.
I don’t know what to say other than to say thank you for sharing. Thank you so very much.
You are good enough and it was not your fault. You are MORE than good enough.
That little voice still echoes in my own head, sometimes faint and fuzzy- sometimes announced with pan-clanging unavoidability.
Know this: it was not your fault and you did not deserve it.
Don’t let the little voice have the last word. You are so much More. Thank you for sharing your story here, now- today. Your voice is heard. And that’s the one that matters.
Oh shit, girl. I’m so sorry. So sorry.
Thank you for speaking out and telling us your story. I hope you don’t let the voice get you down. You are a beautiful person and deserve all the happiness in the world. My thought are with you
~ Jaded16
It was not your fault. You were taken advantage of . You are brave. Hopefully, because you spoke out it will help ease your mind and turn that little voice off in your head. You are a good person.
Thanks, everybody. A little part of me that I didn’t know was still bleeding is feeling a little less alone today.
Amber,
Your story is heart-wrenching…and hard for me to fully fathom how someone could morally do that, and not feel remorse. Know that you are valued, you are beautiful, and your today will help others to just continue to bring this more out into the open. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for sharing. It was not your fault. You did nothing to deserve what was done to you.
I wish you felt that you were worth so much more, because you are. Especially by sharing this, you have shown everyone that you are strong, brave, and courageous.
xo
please promise that you will find someone to talk to, who will help show you how you are far more than just good enough
Thank you for sharing, Amber. I am so very sorry this happened to you. But this is NOT your fault. Neither of these horrible acts were your fault.
*hugs* You are loved. You are important. You are good enough.
I to was drunk when I lost my virginity to rape. I remember thinking it was my fault. If only I hadn’t gotten drunk. I’ve been in two abusive marriages since. It’s easy to slip into the drink when things start to hurt to much. I’ve been there, I know. Even now, after all these years, I can’t help but wonder………what if I hadn’t gotten drunk. Of course I know that it wasn’t my fault……….but somewhere deep lies that insecurity.
Thank you for coming here and posting. As you said, it’s not the end. It wasn’t the end. The path before you lies in beauty and peace.
Thank you so much for sharing – for voicing your fears and realities.
This was not your fault. I hope one day that little voice stops trying to tell you it was. Because it wasn’t.
You are amazing, and worth so much.
Rape is NEVER EVER the victim’s fault. It’s good to repeat that frequently and at random intervals.
As humans we are far more than the sum of all that has happened to us, in our hearts we all know this but it can be hard to see beyond it at times. Your ability to speak your story is amazing, even though difficult to tell and hear. Peace to you sister. Keep talking. Keep breathing. Keep living!
Amber,
Thank you for sharing this. This is not your fault… I wish, for you, enough healing that you can release the thoughts that burden you… Keep sharing, keep speaking, keep the violence unsilenced!
Blessings to you,
Darren
Thank you for speaking out.
You are 100% not guilty for being raped. The boys who raped you are 100% guilty of a crime. You may have made some poorer choices drinking, but nothing that you did comes close to justifying rape. This was not all your fault.
Rape is not the fault of the victim. NOT EVER. There is no reason for any man to take sexual liberties with a woman who is not capable of consent. I am glad you are still here with your voice, sharing your words, baring your soul. I wish that I could give you the gift of self-acceptance and self-forgiveness, but those things can only come from within you.
Amber. Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you’re figuring it all out and you have a support system to help you. You aren’t alone. Not at all.
So NOT your fault. Thank you for sharing your story.
Dobn’t ever think it was your fault, it was not.
I so understand feeling “not good enough”… I still struggle with that and probably always will. You are more than good enough, you are strong and brave and beautiful. It is so hard to get over being betrayed by those we should be able to trust. I hope you are able to see that it was never your fault…. that there is nothing to forgive yourself for.
being raped is absolutely, totally, 100% not your fault. you did not do a single thing to encourage it or cause it to happen. being drunk is not an open invitation for others to take advantage of you.
you ARE good enough for anything in this world you decide to set your sights on. i hope those days of too much pain become fewer and farther between.
Oh Amber, I am so sorry. I had no idea this had happened to you.
Thank you for speaking out and giving a voice to those who have not the courage to do so yet.
it’s not your fault, even though I know sometimes it might seem hard to believe that. You will continue to fight and be strong, even if you drink a little to forget. Thank you for sharing your story and your pain. Be well.
It is not your fault. Please remember these words every single day because they are the absolute truth.
Don’t be fooled or misguided, it was never your fault and never will be.
Every person carries the weight of their actions. I know you carry the pain and the scars, but the sin belongs to these 2 boys, never to you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that you find true happiness.
Thank you for sharing, I am so sorry for what has happened to you. This was and never will be your fault! You are not to blame! No one has the right to do this to another person. I wish you all the best on your healing journey and hope that you continue to thrive in your marriage and life itself xo