Richard
I was a nine year old kid playing in the streets on the north side of Chicago. Bob was in his early fifties, a respected businessman and a generous member of our church. I knew nothing about matters sexual. He was a pedophile whom Illinois authorities knew of for 15 years, but could not stop. And like Mary Howitt’s spider enticing the fly into his web with promises of goodies and empty compliments, the accomplished pedophile used his long perfected skills to seduce me into a world of sex between men and boys. Beer, cigarettes, money, gifts, and a place to hang out led to blow jobs, anal sex, golden showers, and pornographic films and magazines, both viewed and filmed.
We spent long weekend days at his apartment, a group of boy toys recruited for Bob’s sexual pleasure. It ended almost a year later on a Thanksgiving night when I told my parents what had been happening. They contacted the police. Four years later I sat on the witness stand in the State of Illinois versus Robert M. Cleveland on the charge of taking indecent liberties with a child. Testifying was difficult and intimidating. One day I was on the playground with a bunch of kids whose only concern was scoring a touchdown in a pick-up game of football. The next day I was describing explicit sex acts in clear, clinical terms, in front of a packed court room. They are acts of which no 13-year-old boy should ever know. The day after that I was sent back to school as if nothing abnormal had happened. Everyone who knew of these events expected me to be normal.
I was anything but normal. As a teen I felt different from my peers. I felt dirty. I walked around knowing that I had an enormous, heavy secret that I could not tell anyone. I would have been ridiculed if I did. I would have been rejected. I didn’t really want to tell everyone, but I also knew that I wasn’t being entirely honest with anyone. It was isolating. Around my girlfriends I was a horny young man who knew all the right things to say to get them to have sex with me in one form or another. Why wouldn’t I? I learned from a man who knew how to convince people to have sex with him. So, I added to the normal pressures of teenage life the concerns and responsibilities of being sexually active. Would anyone be surprised to learn that I was a mediocre student?
In between my teen years and the onset of parenthood my life has been littered with some bad choices, although they have become much better since I met my wife. The details do not matter. Everyone has their horror stories. Mine are worse than some and not as bad as so many others. In regards to the abuse of my childhood, I told very few people what happened. With those I did tell, I laughed and joked as if it was no big deal. It was just something that happened.
Then I became a parent. I watched my oldest child grow. As he passed through the ages where I played in a stag film, where I sat on the stand during a competency hearing to determine whether or not I was a credible witness, where I sat in a crowded court room identifying stacks of pornography while feeling the beginnings of an erection and feeling dirty and guilty because of it, I felt a deep sense of the loss of my innocence. It was stolen from me by a grown man when I was nine. My sons are a reflection of everything I never had. I love them. I love their innocence.
And then I became very, very angry. I found myself angry without understanding why. I found myself irrationally angry and taking it out on my children. I never hit them. I did not abuse them. But there were days where I could not have been pleasant to be around. With the anger came pain, sorrow, disappointment, and shame. It wouldn’t go away. When I sat down with my wife to talk about what was bothering me, I inevitably worked my way around to my childhood. The molestation had become a minefield long hidden after the war was over. I kept stepping on landmines. It was a pattern that repeated itself many times over the years.
During the same time that I was experiencing this cycle of anger, I was also in the long, slow process of walking towards Christianity. This was no simple journey. My disdain for Christianity was deeply seeded. The walk started with a series of taped sermons on cassette about the Book of Romans sent to me by a pastor friend working in recovery ministries in California. I listened to them over and over again in the car on the way to work until I understood each message. It was during that time that I realized that it wasn’t Christ or Christianity that I had a particular problem with, but that Christians in general really pissed me off. That was an important distinction to understand. I started to read the Bible even though most of the time I didn’t quite understand what I was reading. I listened to radio broadcasts by Alistair Begg out of Cleveland, Ohio’s, Parkside Church, sometimes only retaining a phrase or a sentence and then slowly understanding more and more. And I read books. I read a lot of books, like Jeff Vanvonderen’s Families Where Grace is in Place, Cloud & Townsend’s How People Grow, and an amazing book titled TrueFaced, by Thrall, Lynch, and McNicol. I realized that I was broken. I came to understand that I couldn’t fix myself, but God could fix me. I finally realized that God understands what was done to me. He knows the poor choices that I’ve made in life that can be directly linked to that first sin committed against me. He’s been patiently waiting for me to realize all that He can do for me. I’ve been slowly growing closer to Him over the years. I’m ready to take Him up on His offer to help. It only took me eight years from the start of that first tape to figure out that I am not defined solely by the sins that I have committed or the sins committed against me. I have so much more to offer in this life.
I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to ignore the events of my childhood. I’ve kept it hidden. I’ve joked about it. I’ve pretended that it was no big deal. Now I won’t do those things anymore. I know that there are more men in this world who experienced the molestation that I did in my childhood. I know that there are women who experienced sexual abuse at all ages. I am going to speak up, speak out, and share my story, if for no other reason than to help others realize that they are not alone. There is such a thing as recovery. There is a better life. I frequently read the word “survival” used in relation to living with the experience of a sexual assault. I do not want to merely survive. I want to thrive. And I want that same thing for each and every one of you.
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Richard writes at Boarding in Bedlam.
51 Responses to “Richard”
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Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing… I will be praying that God continues to help ease the burdens that you have carried all these years.
I can’t seem to find the words I am looking for this morning, so I will just say ‘thank you’. But believe me, it means so much more than just ‘thank you’.
wow. thank you so much for speaking out… both then and now.
Wow, a heartbreakingly amazing story. Thank you for sharing.
Wow Richard, those are some of the bravest words I have ever read. Thank you for being honest, thank you for sharing this, thank you for thinking about all of the other people out there who are not yet able to share their own stories of abuse.
I wish you luck in your recovery and lots of opportunities to thrive and reclaim some of the joy and wonder that was stolen from you so long ago.
Thank-you for sharing your story. I admire your strength and courage to speak out both then and now. May you continue to thrive.
Your story truly touched me for so many reasons. I have two boys… one 9, the other 13. Just the thought of those things happening to them brings tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for all that you have experienced. You were never dirty or unworthy and I am so sorry you spent those important childhood years carrying around that pain.
I also personally relate to so many of the things you have described… the anger, pain, sorrow, dissapointment, bad choices, the not being able to talk about it without making it a joke and laughing. It all makes so much sense to me. As does the disdain for Christianity… my abuser used scripture to justify the abuse. It has only been over the last year that I have been able to understand that I can’t fix myself without God… and it has only over the last year that I have started healing.
Thank you so much for the courage to share your story, knowing that it will helps others. I pray that it reaches those who need to hear it most. I hope you continue to heal and thrive… you deserve it!
Your courage, Richard, will help other boys-to-men find a light through that dark tunnel of history, as I know you are one of countless. I am always ALWAYS touched when someone 9man or woman) opens that door enough to remove the shame for an instant, and allow others to be witness to the tragedies, the growth, the pain, and the COURAGE, so that you have but a sliver less to carry alone.
I have blocked out events from my childhood. My molester was a school teacher, a charming, brilliant, school teacher. No one believed the girls years later when they reported him, because they were not 9 yrs old like me, but 14, 15, and 16. They were having school yard fantasies – they had crushes and were disappointed he wouldn’t reciprocate. I still have the article from the newspaper back in the late 80′s. I am blessed I only had less than a year in his grasp. I don’t remember all that happened, only the lesser incidents. It is nothing compared to what most experience, like my mother.
Thank you for being one of many voices, speaking out, honestly… removing the stigma of shame, and helping to heal the self-hatred that follows.
Namaste, Evelyn
Thank you so much for speaking out. Together, we will stop these horrifying events from happening to so many of our youth. Many hugs to you, Richard.
Oh Richard, I don’t even know where to begin. For years God has been telling me of my worth, and I have been busy arguing with Him via my choices with regard to my life, my body. I too have carried a hard kernel of anger at my core, and the working-through of it has been more difficult than any one thing I’ve ever been presented with in my life.
I have long used the notion of self-sufficiency as a crutch, a means by which no one is allowed admittance into the most valuable parts of myself…those places that are ultimately the best and purest ones I could ever proffer up to others.
I’ve been reading this site since its inception. I have never been so emotionally stuttered by an entry as I have this one. You are a bold man, and a beautiful one, and I’m thankful that you chose to share your story today.
Blessings and blessings and blessings to you.
I really, really appreciate everything you have written here. I feel the same way as you in almost every aspect (except I never had to testify). Thank you for sharing your story with me, with us.
Thank you for your 10 year old boy courage to tell your parents. I do hope the monster who hurt you was convicted and spent the rest of his life locked up. I hope that you continue to heal.
Your story is powerful and well written. I am so sorry for your 9 year old self that was robbed of his innocence. Thank you for sharing.
Richard, thank you for sharing your story. You’ve obviously had a long, painful road to recovery. You are not to blame. I get so angry when I read stories like yours because I just don’t understand. And I know how prevalent this kind of abuse is. It’s frightening and disturbing.
However, there is hope. And it comes from people like you, who are brave enough to tell their stories and the help others. You have survived. And you are thriving. And your relationship with God sounds very strong.
Take care of yourself and your family. And know that there are lots of us out here that understand and are listening.
I’m so proud to know you. Thank you for speaking out.
Amazing how we can find our innocence through our children. I encountered much the same revelation. Where once I actually thought that I must have been a sexualized creature from a very early age, when I saw my daughter at 5 years old, I realized what a mistake it was to believe that.
Thank you for sharing your truth. It’s a long journey from there to here and beyond. Wishing you many blessings on your journey.
What happened to you is a horrible tragedy with long-lasting repercussions. Our introduction to sexuality shapes the way we regard and use sex for the rest of our lives. It should be a personal, intimate adventure. It should not be violent, manipulated, or secret. My heart breaks for what happened to you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you so much for sharing and for not being shy about how your faith grew. What an amazing story!
You are brave to not only share your story but for facing down these horrible transgressions from your childhood. That is in no way easy.
I have to think though that recognizing the problems you were having for what they were (extensions of what had been done to you all those years before) and being able to speak of the terrible acts foisted on you and get as much of them out of your system as possible HAS to be a beautiful thing.
I don’t think it’s possible to ever completely wipe that slate clean but you have done an incredible job of getting as close as one can. I think you are probably a better husband, a better father, a better man for it. I hope you know that.
None of what happened was your fault, yet it was you who dealt with the brunt of the consequences. There is no justice that can ever make that completely right but finding the peace and happiness you deserve may come close.
Thank you for speaking up, for UnSilencing. May you continue to find peace, sanctuary, fulfillment and the solace of knowing that you have made a difference. Because of who you are.
This gave me chills. Thank you so much for speaking out. Particularly for being a voice for so many silenced men.
Thank you for speaking out – too few men do. I’m glad you’re making your peace with God – it gives me hope that maybe someday I can do the same.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can’t help but feel immense anger at how your innocence was stolen from you and I am glad that you told someone about it and that the perpetrator was prosecuted.
You broke the cycle, you not only survived, but you are making a difference. God can do amazing things, and reconciliation is such a powerful experience. It sounds like you are on the most incredible journey of faith and healing.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your courage is inspiring. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.
You already know how much your story and your strength has made a difference for me. Thank you, again.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m typing this with a wonderful handsome sweet 9 year old boy sitting next to me. I’m so sorry there are monsters out there that could harm someone like him.
Thanks for sharing! You are in my prayers tonight.
Wow! You are braver than any man I know. You have walked the line, tredged through pain and reached out. I’m proud to have read your story and even prouder to know that you had the courage to write. Your story will save some boy’s life. Some boy that is too afraid. Some boy that will come across your story and find courage from it.
Keep strong, keep faith and God Bless You!!!!!
I am more appreciative of the supportive statements left on this post than I can possibly express. Thank you, one and all. Nicole, you are correct. Speaking of the terrible acts and getting as much of them out of my system as possible IS a beautiful thing.
My middle child, a boy, turns 9 this year. Although I pray that nothing like this will ever happen to my children, I pray that if it does, they will be brave enough to tell me. Brave like you were. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
I to have been on a long walk with God. Realizing that his love for me is unconditional and constant. That He is always there to carry me. It’s not easy….I don’t trust. I don’t know how to trust. But I am beginning to trust God with all. I to am reading…at the moment Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer, a woman who for years was molested by her father.
Thank you for sharing. My ex was a victim of sexual abuse by his stepfather. Although he chose to continue the cycle, his sister who was also a victim broke the cycle. She though had lots of support. He did not. Our society needs to realize that males who suffer abuse hurt just as much as females. It takes people like you to speak up so that one day this will happen.
Thank you for sharing.
Richard,
My hope is that this brings much healing for you, and for those who read here. No child should have to go through what you endured. And your sharing here will help others in untold ways. Thank you so much for sharing….
It sounds to me like you are well on your way to thriving. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you continued success and joy on your journey.
I pray God’s peace, love, hope, and joy upon you that you may more than survive, but that you may thrive in love and light.
His Peace and Mercy, Lisa
Thank you for sharing your story and for putting a button on your blog that led me here. I too was molested as a child, from a young age and by many people. Silence allows these people to keep preying on children, and your speaking out helps protect so many children and also lets so many others know they’re not alone.
It took me a long time to get over my feelings of being broken, different, dirty. Religion was not part of my healing but I do feel whole, happy and healed. The biggest things that helped me were talking to others through support groups and therapy, writing about the abuse, being very open about it and finally working to help others. Volunteer work led to a job where I was the one helping others who were hurting, and that was the most healing part of all.
Thanks for telling your story and being so utterly honest and raw.
~Alicia
I’m happy that what used to be unspeakable for you, you can now speak of. It’s terrible what happened to you but you can be a voice for others who can’t. Until they are ready.
This makes me very angry…I hope this son of a bitch Bob was convicted and spent many years in some kind of rehabilitative, punitive place where he couldn’t hurt others and, hopefully, got “cured” of his perversions and ills, or if not, is still locked away where he can’t hurt others. It’s hard not to want him shot, though.
I’m sorry this happened to you but am glad you have been able to forgive yourself and recognize this didn’t happen because of something you did. I hope you are a good dad in your own estimation. I hope you realize you are able to help others, like you’re doing here.
Thank you for speaking out. I wish you peace.
Thank you for sharing
I can’t even begin to describe how much it pains me to think of any child going through what you went through. I am amazed and inspired by your strength. Your story can help so many. Thank you for sharing it and for speaking out. I wish you serenity and peace for your entire family.
Bless you for sharing your story with all of us. It takes courage to live through what you have lived through and to share that with all of us is a brave thing. Blessings on you.
I find that I have a hard time speaking of my abuse and I am ashamed of it. I want to get comfortable, to share, to speak out on behalf of those who can’t, to stop this from happening to someone else, but I don’t.
I have shared my story here, but I don’t put that button on my sidebard, afraid of telling those who don’t know, but probably should.
Thank you for being brave, for speaking out, for surviving.
That should never have happened to you… And it was that man’s fault it did. Thank you for sharing your story; if it helps save even one person from something similar, you will have done a wonderful thing. I hope you find peace through Christ.
I find that I have a hard time speaking of my abuse and I am ashamed of it. I want to get comfortable, to share, to speak out on behalf of those who can’t, to stop this from happening to someone else, but I don’t.
I have shared my story here, but I don’t put that button on my sidebard, afraid of telling those who don’t know, but probably should.
Thank you for being brave, for speaking out, for surviving.
I read this a while back but couldn’t get to a computer to comment. Thankyou so much for posting it. Someday I will ask my husband to read it. There are far too many boys out there like you. And him. I don’t understand why these people exist. The last time my husband talked about his past, and his religious beliefs, he said that he wanted someone to show him how a little child being twisted and warped by an evil person fits into God’s plan. I started to say that it doesn’t, it’s evidence of Satan’s interference with God’s plan, and he shouted, “Show me God’s hand! I wanna see God’s hand in that child’s life!” He never shouts.
I’m slowly finding that what bothers me the most about sexual abuse is the unbelievable amount of time it takes to recover. It’s like having your spiritual neck broken or something. It just paralyzes you for so long.
Thankyou again. Stand strong. God bless you.
God Bless you! You are an inspiration!
Rich,
Your story left me speechless for a moment. It is a story (to me) one in which I believe you have unsilenced for many men. You are a beautiful person. You have inspired me and my children. To hear it from a man and have 2 daughters listen to me reading this to them. really has them now rethinking how much men are truly violated. Whatever is in your heart, I hope you do not stop here. Many others, who are not aware of this site need to be. You have touched so many lives Rich that you do not evn know and will never know. Thank you Rich for more than your story…for bringing out the courage in me. I pray for healing for you, for much love in your life and an over abundance of time to share your story. You have and will touch many more lives Rich.
Thank you, thank you, for speaking out. You are an incredible person. You are right to not want only to survive- you can thrive. I hope you have a great support system in place. God bless.
I am so very sorry for the horrors you experienced as a child, you were never dirty, the crimes against you and your abuser were. I am in awe of the courage it must have taken to speak out as a child and again here. You are amazing and I wish you all the best in your healing and hope you continue to thrive xo