Rina
I have a bone spur sitting on my spine. It doesn’t usually hurt and I rarely think about it. You can’t see it unless you are looking at an x-ray. There are no marks on my skin or visible deformities. But, I have a bone spur just the same and when the weather is bad the pain can knock the breath right out of me. They found the spur after an accident I was in and the doctors couldn’t figure it out. Bone spurs take years to form and I was too young to have one of this size. I knew immediately what caused it but my shame was too great to say anything. I remembered the beating I took for no good reason in front of my uncle who did nothing to stop it. The pain was gone within hours but there were bruises. The bruises faded within a few weeks but this spur continued to grow as the years passed. A hurt no one can see unless they go looking for it
I am not a victim. I am a survivor. A survivor of child abuse, date rape, domestic violence, rape, mental abuse, emotional abuse and of treatment no human should ever have to experience. I’ve been torn down, walked on, beat up and verbally assaulted more times that I can count. But I am not a victim. I am a survivor.
I am the product of abuse. I spent most of my young life searching for love and acceptance, convinced if I was just “good enough” I might have some value to someone. Having constantly been told I was stupid, fat, lazy and ugly, as well as being shuffled off here and there when I became a burden, had left its mark. I was never able to settle into any kind of routine or structure. Drugs and alcohol became my closest companions. The only relationships I knew were destructive and, more often than not, abusive. I gravitated towards people that I would need to prove my worth to and accepted being treated badly because it’s what I was convinced I deserved. I was repeatedly raped; emotionally, mentally, and physically battered and abused.
My high school sweetheart left me unable to walk for two years courtesy of a beating with a wooden chair. I remember going to the hospital and lying to the nurses, doctors and police who did their best to get me to press charges. I didn’t because I figured when my own brother refused to come help me that it must have been my fault. I must have done something to deserve the beating. The lesson I should have gained from being told that it would be years before I would walk again was lost on me because when I went to my mother for support I was told, “You’d better get used to it because that is how men are.” Then she proceeded to beat my head into the floor until I had a concussion in front of family members who did nothing to stop it. This simply fueled my continued belief that I was unworthy to exist.
I launched myself into downward spiral after spiral of drug and alcohol-fueled bad choices and abusive relationships. I got involved with a crack-head who sexually abused me and stole my money. A wannabe “wiseguy” who used psychological torture, as well as emotional battery, to keep me in my place. He had convinced me I could not survive without him and he was just like my mother who lavished clothing and jewelry and gifts on me so to the public I looked perfect–and then he would beat, berate and belittle me in private. A married man who used my desire to be let out of that gilded cage for his own twisted sexual wants. Until ….
There finally came a day when I came to a place in my life where I was either going to literally lie down and die or get up and fight. I chose the latter only, instead of fighting for or against other people, I fought for myself–for my sanity, for my life. I walked out the door and never looked back. I left it all behind, the men, the drugs, the alcohol and the family who really wasn’t much of a family at all. With every mile that passed I felt the toxicity begin to slough off like dead skin cells. With every day that passed the fears would lessen. It would take years for the emotional hurts to even begin to scar over and some haven’t to this day.
But I can stand here today and say that I am worth something. I have value. I am a good person. I am kind. I am compassionate. I can give and accept love. I am smart. I am talented. I am alive! I am a survivor! I am a survivor and I am here to tell you that you have value. I am here to tell you that you are worth more than the world tells you that you are. I am here to tell you to fight for yourself. You are not alone. There are many of us that are pulling for you even when you can’t see us.
40 Responses to “Rina”
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And you are incredible. Thank you for speaking out.
No, if I’m going to be the first commenter, I must say more.
You’ve always been a woman of value. Shame on the people that couldn’t see it. I am so glad that you see it.
You are so very brave to come forward. Particularly when those who are supposed to love and protect you hurt you so much. You are absolutely right that no one should be treated as a thing to be used and thrown away.
Your bravery is enviable. I’m so glad that you realize how much worth you have.
The amount of bravery it took for you to stand up and walk away rather than lie down and give up only further proves how amazing you are.
Please don’t forget that.
Beautiful, inspiring words. Thank you so much for speaking out. You are a beautiful person. MY best wishes are always with you.
~ Jaded16
I have the chills reading this. Not only because of the abuse and everything that you;ve suffered – but because of your strength and knowledge that YOU do in fact have Value!
You are amazing to have gone through all you have and come out on the other side. People who hurt children should get life in prison. People who hurt their own children should get the death penalty. You are so strong and brave. I think you’re amazing.
You are awesome.
Your bravely is amazing. Thank you for sharing your story.
Your bravery, courage and strength are inspiring. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing your story, and for your inspiring words!
You are amazing.
Thank you for sharing your story. So glad that you saw that you are worth something, and that you got yourself out of there. I’m in awe of your bravery.
I’m so sorry that you went through all of that. Thank you so much for speaking out– There are so many of us who are grateful to still have our voice. Congratulations on being a survivor– GOOD FOR YOU GIRL!
Yes, you are truely a survivor – a brave and wise and wonderful survivor. I am so sorry that you had to go through that pain and so happy that you survived.
You are a strong, wonderful woman.
Wow. What a truly inspiring story. Thank you so much for sharing your words with us. You are such a blessing.
Thank you so much for sharing. What a powerful testimony to the incredible value of believing in yourself – even when no one else does. You are a very strong woman.
Wow, what a moving story. I’m so sorry that you had to suffer through all of that, but I’m happy that you were able to find out how strong and brave you are.
Yes, you are a survivor – thank you for sharing your story.
Rina,
You are awesome..and that last paragraph, it gave me goosebumps.
To not only endure so many years of abuse by those who were supposed to care for you, but to rise up against it and inspire others to do the same is truly special. The strength you’ve shown yourself and all of us is remarkable. You deserve to love yourself and to be surrounded by people who love you. Congratulations on being a survivor and for speaking out. You are amazing.
Strength. Perserverance. Love. Hope.
I understand.
I hope for you that you keep going forward. That when you look back to see where you’ve come from that all you see is the love you’ve left behind for other survivors. You’ve blazed a path of recovery, reform and survival and I know that I gather my strength from people like you.
I wish nothing but the very best for you!
Kimberly
I love this, and couldn’t agree more. We are all worth fighting for!
Rina,
You ARE a survivor. And your words today give hope to others, and that is very much a gift you are giving. You are filled with much goodness and mercy, and I sense that very deeply.
Peace,
Lance
You are one of God’s creations. You have beauty. You have value. You have a purpose. May you always know just how special and necessary you are to this world!
You do have value and it is fantastic to read that you realize this fact. You are not defined solely by these events in your life. Congratulations on making it through.
I come here to read survivors’ stories because they never fail to amaze me with their common theme: the human spirit is incredibly resilient. Your story emphatically reinforces this to me. I applaud you.
Wow! Thank you for sharing.I’m grateful to has been able to hear you story.
I admire your courage and strength. Thank you for sharing you story.
Thank you for speaking out and sharing your story. You are very brave.
Oh and THANK YOU in particular for that last paragraph. I tear up every time I read it, and it means the world to me. Survivors can never hear that enough, IMHO, and so I say it back to you (and to all survivors, everywhere): You are not alone. You are worth more than the world tells you you are, and there are many of us who are supporting you even though we may not be visible.
I’m so glad you got out of that situation. No one has the right to treat you as you were treated. Everyone deserves love, and children who are so vulnerable should be guarded and cherished, certainly not subjected to your experiences. You are brave and strong to recognise that you needed to completely change things, and then do it. That must have taken such strength of character! Well done to you for holding your head high. You ARE worth it!
Your strength is amazing. I so understand the downward spiral, and am glad you made your way through it… it’s not always easy. Thank you so much for sharing your story and showing others that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I am so glad you are alive to share your story. I am sorry that anyone, especially your mother, treated you so badly. I admire your strength and resolve and wish you blessings on your journey.
wow, i hear such strength in your words. so very happy for you.
You are amazing. You truly are. So strong and courageous. I’m so glad you realize that now, despite everything that you went through.
I’m so happy for you, for you are truly a survivor!
Reading your blog.. wow.. you are a strong strong woman.
Thank you for speaking out.
Thank you for sharing your story. When I see a beautiful new baby born I am moved by the miracle and reminded that we were all new born babies once. No one ever did anything to deserve abuse or neglect, ever. We are all innocent, as innocent as a new born baby.
Wouldn’t it be lovely to reach into the heart of an abused person’s trials and tell them they’re OK and deserve to be happy?
Oh wait. You just did it.
Thank you. THANKYOUTHANKYOU.