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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
The lesson here is two-fold. You mistakenly dismissed the girl's story because of how you perceived HER. You also dismissed her story because of how you perceived HIM. Sometimes we learn the hard way that ANYONE is capable of ANYTHING - behind closed doors.
So many men get away with domestic violence because of their split personalities. They put on their GOOD face for everyone else and show their EVIL face at home. I was in a relationship with a man like this. He had such a magnetic personality. He really had that IT factor that so few people have. He had dozens of friends but they never knew he despised them. I'd get to hear his rants about them at the end of every day that rolled around. After 10 years of abuse, I finally decided to tell a couple of friends about what he was really like. They didn't believe me. Not at all!
One afternoon I was able to plan things in a way that would allow these two friends to witness his nasty side. He was angry at me because he suspected that I'd been discussing him with them. I knew the moment they left, he'd get started. I'm not kidding when I say the color drained from their faces as they watched and listened to him say horrible things about them to me. He didn't know they were standing just out of his view when he started in on me, crazy words and evil looks, the works. They quietly slipped away and I didn't hear from either of them for a while.
One of the friends apologized for her absence, she was totally supportive of me and said she had been too shocked at first. The other one? "I" never heard from her again. She actually went to him and told him I was doing and saying things behind his back and he'd better be careful ! Even though she had witnessed the same thing as the other friend, she went totally the other way. WTH?
Anyway, I wasn't able to get out of the relationship at that particular time and I was very fearful for my safety. This other woman "friend", as it turned out, was actually more concerned with being his friend than mine, even though she knew I was telling the truth about all the horrible things he'd done to me and to others. It's been discovered since then that she's a compulsive liar and has other issues. No one I know associates with her anymore. I've been out of the relationship with my abuser for two years now, thank God. Still good friends with the woman who supported me.
Thanks for sharing this! It's a good reminder to everyone that you can't categorize people. I can feel the thud in your stomach as you realized the truth. Bleh...
I bet almost everyone has made similar judgments, just not about the same things... I think of my own children and how there are things one child will say I don't believe but do from another. I feel bad and apologize when I learn of the truth; but we all need to look beyond what we assume before passing judgment.
Thanks again for the reminder!! ((HUGS))
I think it is great that you shared this, since there is so much out there about who is and is not a "trustworthy" victim. Thank you.
what guts! i admire this post so much. the idea that domestic violence is black and white or he said she said is not applicable to real life situations.
long before the troubles that i face now, i was raped of my virginity at 14. no one bought it. it was, after all, date rape. i consented to date him. (thereby- i had consented to loose my virginity painfully and multiply in an evening of the "date".
and i couldn't cry out, at fourteen, for fear of my father killing the young man and possibly me so he raped me of my youth at home. i didn't tell anyone for over a year.
the the other stories came out. there were others. not at the same time, but who had been robbed in the same time frame. even though i have to live with myself for not filing a police report that time and many others... that still haunts me the most. i didn't help save others from him.
thank you so much for your honesty. it may really help someone. in ways you don't even realize. this is an important piece of work. thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing. It is so common in our society to stereotype a victim and not to believe some who don't fit our view of what a "victim" would look like. Likewise, most abusers are our everyday friends and neighbors and we have a hard time seeing that people aren't always what they appears to be.
Thank you for sharing this, it just goes to show that you never do know what's happening. Thank you, again.
Hey, that was brave of you!
Hope you're feeling a bit better after letting this out at least :)
Forgive yourself. You have nothing of which to be ashamed. Your reaction was completely normal. Remember the lesson that you learned. Thank you for an honest and well written story.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Unfortunately, many victims don't fit the mold. And it is so hard to think someone that you care about could do that to someone. Thank you for your revelation and thank you for sharing it. It's comforting to know there is someone else out there that believes.
I would imgaine this happens way more often than we know. It's hard to believe something bad about someone we love. Especially when we have never seen that side of it.
What a beautiful reminder to listen to people, no matter who they are, when they try to tell their story. Thank you for sharing yours.
Thank you for sharing this, for saying out loud the words that so often confine and define those who don't "fit the ideal". Often, the girls and women who behave promiscuously and show instability are the ones who have been damaged the most as children. Sadly, all too often, they are the ones who are frequently ignored when they finally make a plea for help.
Your honesty in sharing this may help someone else reevaluate their position and might make all the difference for a girl, a woman, a child.
I hope Rob is incarcerated. Glad you could tell this story so that we could be reminded that not all bad guys wear black hats (and not all victims wear white dresses).
You did a lot of good here today. I think it's particularly timely considering some things going on in the entertainment world right now, yes?
What I most appreciate is that you never had to share this story, and yet your moment of growth could help so many. Thank you.
This was very brave to write. Thank you for your honesty and your reflection on how your thinking has changed.
Thank you for your honesty. It's a hard lesson--the victims aren't always "ideal," the abuse doesn't always fit what people think as abusive, and the system isn't terribly interested in looking outside those narrow definitions. I spent 25 years in denial over my molestation because it wasn't violent or invasive and I hadn't resisted. Therefore it couldn't really be molestation, right?
The world needs more people like you--people who may have made a mistake, but are willing to recognize and admit it and who are willing to change.