Scott Speaks Out at Violence UnSilenced

August 9, 2012 | men speaking out, sexual abuse, survivor story

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Almost 3 years after you published my wife Gina's story HALAZEPAM FOR SALE, , I am ready to share mine. I am so grateful for you and for VU - the effect it has had on us both is just tremendous.

I am grateful for you for giving me a safe place to share my story. Knowing that VU existed gave this process of writing and documenting a conclusion of sorts - a home for the work I was doing. And while I know that I absolutely had to write this for me, where can i buy cheapest HALAZEPAM online, I also hope that it serves to help others, as I have been helped by the stories you post.

You know, having a place to post this sort of lets me use this as a milestone - it completes the moment of time where I am right now, HALAZEPAM FOR SALE. It can then be used as a reference point - to see how far I have come.

The above is an excerpt from the cover letter that accompanied Scott's story, HALAZEPAM dangers, shared with his permission. Researchers estimate that 1 in 6 men have experienced unwanted or abusive sexual experiences before age 18. Since the Sandusky case broke, RAINN reports the number of people getting help from the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline is up 47 percent. Here at Violence UnSilenced we have always encouraged men to speak out about sexual abuse and domestic violence, fast shipping HALAZEPAM, and they have; Scott's letter illustrates how long it can take to do so. HALAZEPAM FOR SALE, We are grateful he has chosen to share his experience here today, and we respect that some may never be able or willing to speak out--but we know they are reading. And that they, like all survivors, Comprar en línea HALAZEPAM, comprar HALAZEPAM baratos, are not alone.

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Scott's story:

I had a secret. I folded it up to be really really tiny and then I put it in a small box, and then I set it aside. I didn't block it. I never forgot it, order HALAZEPAM online overnight delivery no prescription, but I put my secret in its box where it was safe, and where I was safe from it.

It didn't really become my secret until years after, HALAZEPAM FOR SALE. I was a child when I was sexually abused. HALAZEPAM from canadian pharmacy, I didn't understand what was happening, or why. As years passed and I got older, that changed. The reality of the events became evident and then I felt the anger, HALAZEPAM overnight, and the shame. HALAZEPAM FOR SALE, And I felt sad. So the secret became mine, and in the box it went, HALAZEPAM over the counter, where it couldn't hurt me.

It's a nice thought to have such a box, one that can shield you from the secret it contains. In my mind I can see it, tucked away on a shelf somewhere, HALAZEPAM maximum dosage. It's not ornate, just a plain nondescript boring little box. There is no indication of the contents contained within, HALAZEPAM FOR SALE.

The problem with the box, Purchase HALAZEPAM online, and where the whole analogy breaks down really, is that it's a fallacy. The box isn't real, and it certainly did nothing to protect me. Oh, HALAZEPAM canada, mexico, india, I thought it was doing me good, but it's just a stupid imaginary box, not nearly strong enough to keep the poison within it from seeping out. HALAZEPAM description, And seep it did, colorless and odorless, out of the box and in to my mind and my body. HALAZEPAM FOR SALE, It wasn't the only trigger for sure, but I think it set the stage in so many ways for how I reacted to so many other things that life presented to me.

The sadness grew and I became depressed. My anger had lost its target - I was feeling it but the source was tucked away in the box (it was safe from me as well), order HALAZEPAM online c.o.d. As a teenager, I was ill prepared to deal with such feelings and anger doesn't fade quietly. I directed it indiscriminately outward or more likely, HALAZEPAM forum, internalized it, mirrored it myself. Low confidence, low self-esteem, I spiraled, HALAZEPAM FOR SALE.

I drank and drugged and when that didn't work and my life was falling apart around me, I attempted suicide. I survived, HALAZEPAM gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, as did the box. Therapy addressed the surface issues but through it all I kept my secret.

I was good at keeping my secret. HALAZEPAM FOR SALE, Therapists, counselors, teachers, doctors, family, friends - I told no one. HALAZEPAM street price, I don't think I ever made a conscious decision to not tell. I think about it a lot now and I really do think that I had separated myself from it to the point that I had convinced myself that it just wasn't relevant, it wasn't related to any of the issues I had. I mean, how could it be, order HALAZEPAM no prescription. It was tucked away and I was safe from it.

High School was followed by college, followed by dissatisfying job after job, HALAZEPAM FOR SALE. Friendships started and faded. A natural shyness escalated to so much more, Is HALAZEPAM addictive, reclusiveness, anxiety, depression. Looking back I can see peaks and valleys but through it all there is a veil of gray that covers it all.

It wasn't until December 2010 that I shared my secret for the first time, where to buy HALAZEPAM, some 30+ years later. HALAZEPAM FOR SALE, By then I could visibly see the poison just oozing out of the box, pretending that I was safe wasn't working. i could see how it was directly affecting me and my relationships with others.

It was really the strength of one relationship I had that allowed me to finally confront what had happened in my past. Real brand HALAZEPAM online, I met Gina in 1989 and we became fast friends. We started dating in 1992, married in 1993, and she is and always will be the very center of my world. Even with that though, we shared our life together for nearly 20 years before I told her of my abuse, HALAZEPAM FOR SALE. I started therapy again soon after but this time I was determined to get it right, generic HALAZEPAM, I was all in, no bullshit, no secrets. HALAZEPAM photos, If the box was slowly leeching out poison before, once it was opened it became a steady flow. Yeah, truth shall set you free and all but I had a big fucking mess to clean up first, and it wasn't going to be easy, where can i find HALAZEPAM online. Over the course of the next year and more I became more withdrawn, I rarely left the house. HALAZEPAM FOR SALE, I don't talk to other folks that often.

Do you see what I did there. HALAZEPAM blogs, I shifted from past to present tense. That's because this is where I still am now. Therapy is hard work. Actually dealing with the past sucks you know, HALAZEPAM FOR SALE. It hurts, and some days I feel worse than I ever have, HALAZEPAM schedule. But I'm working on it. I'm working really fucking hard.

I use a lot of analogies in my therapy. HALAZEPAM FOR SALE, I like analogies a lot, they help me express things in a way my brain understands. Canada, mexico, india, They also tend to present what I am thinking and feeling in terms which ultimately let me see that there is a commonality to what I am going through, it's not just me. One of the analogies that occurs to me most often is that of me and my life right now are like a severely damaged space craft. There's been a war, heavy casualties, HALAZEPAM dosage, and I'm sort of just drifting lifelessly through space. I am unable to restore full functionality all at once, in fact I probably need to shut down all but essential life sustaining systems for a while. Shields Up, HALAZEPAM FOR SALE. Get HALAZEPAM, With all but primary systems offline I can do the work to get things back up and running. It's arduous, tedious, and sometimes well beyond my capabilities. I take things slow, HALAZEPAM coupon, doing too much too soon will overload the system. So now I'm drifting and slowly bringing some things back online. HALAZEPAM FOR SALE, Coffee with friends has run successfully a few times now, that's good. Attend a big graduation party picnic froze up entirely just recently, Cheap HALAZEPAM no rx, we'll revisit that one later.

Therapy is an ongoing process, a journey. I won't wake up one day and just be better. One thing that I know I need to do to stay on course is to identify and celebrate my wins, my victories, no matter how insignificant they may seem. I talked to a stranger, HALAZEPAM FOR SALE. I didn't panic in a potentially difficult situation. I followed up on plans. I finished a project. I seem to be noticing a few more of them than usual lately. HALAZEPAM FOR SALE, Each is a flicker of a life coming back online, and for the first time in a long time I feel like things 'could' actually get better.

I'm not sure they will get better and I am fearful of being overly optimistic but I am going to latch on to "could" with all that I have. It's a strong word, a hopeful word. I don't know for sure what is going to happen - but you know what - I could actually do this.

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Scott writes at My Thermos. He wrote about the process of submitting to Violence UnSilenced here. For more information on male childhood sexual abuse, visit 1in6.org..

missycj03 6 pts

I can completely understand your "box" concept. That is exactly how I refer to things in my past. My own sexual abuse as a small child. The fact that my mother "let" it happen. I don't have the time nor emotional capacity to deal with it...so I put it in a little box to come back to later. But I don't come back to it later. At least I try not to. But it is definitely there.

I am addressing it now as a certain family crisis has scattered the hundreds of boxes on the floor and I am forced to acknowledge each and every one of them. It is an every day fight. But I choose not to lose.

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Scoblitz 5 pts

I want to thank everyone for your thoughtful and encouraging comments, it has meant so much to come here and read your kind words. I thought I understood what your responses would mean and how important they would be but I wasn't prepared for how emotional they made me feel. I know that reading these stories can be difficult so I thank you for reading mine - and sharing back a bit of yourselves, it's been tremendously helpful to me.

Jackie

Thank you so much for sharing this. I love, love, love your analogy about drifting through space with everything but life support off line. That's how it was for me too.

Faiqa 15 pts

You are so brave. So brave. Thanks so much for sharing with us and... well, for trying. You'll get there, I can feel it.

Deb Rox 10 pts

Scott, your testimony here is amazing, and I relate to it a lot. I also use many analogies to cope, to understand, and to try to convey to others what I am feeling. And I know well that adrift space vehicle feeling. I also know the journey of therapy can be life sustaining, as if you are guided into an energy field that repairs and recharges all of your functionality, where gravity is no longer such a burden and where the universe expands in lovely and uplifting ways. Rooting for you to continue on in your healing. Thank you.

Jocelyn 6 pts

What an inspiring story. Really impressed with your dedication to doing the hard, messy work. You are a powerful person.

bklynstacy 7 pts

WIN!!!! This day and this post has WIN all over it. I've spoken to so many survivors who had the box, and the box lived in them the same way you described. In fact, talking about those boxes with survivors made me realize for the first time that my father's "discipline" when i was growing up was actually abuse. So thank you for sharing! And congratulations for all you CAN and WILL do as you set everything in the past, and in that box, behind you. Big hugs and best wishes.

AnissaMayhew 20 pts

Scott, what you said with your beautiful words in your beautiful way is so painful to read. I feel shattered for you and hope you find your reason to keep holding holding firm to your healing. It isn't quick. It isn't easy. But that day you realize you have started to feel whole again in staggering.

writearby 8 pts

Scott,

First and foremost, you are 100% not guilty for the abuse that you suffered. Your abuser is 100% guilty for the abuse.

Thank you for sharing your story here. I had taken a hiatus from VU only to give myself a break. It can be difficult processing the pain shared regularly on this site. Today, I saw the rare guy’s name, and I knew I had to return to read your story. I shared my story here 2 ½ years ago. Gaining my voice and speaking out was an amazing (and critically important) piece of my recovery. I hope and pray that sharing your story helps you as much.

Like you, I spent 3+ decades keeping my abuse a secret, but the pain kept resurfacing, forcing me to deal with bits and pieces of my past until I could bury it again. This cyclical process continued until I arrived at three core issues that I had to address. I found the Grace to forgive my abuser, the painful strength and honesty to confront my parents who allowed the abuse to happen, and the realization that my entire identity is not defined by the abuse that happened. I am worth much more than the twisted desires of a pedophile.

An onion has a core. We’re all aware of the onion metaphor in recovery. You peel away a layer only to reveal another layer underneath. Each time you deal with an issue in the recovery process, there seems to be another right below the surface. But, an onion is not an infinite root. There is a core after which there is nothing left. There is a finite point in your recovery process where you will know that you have recovered. It is my wish for you that regardless of where you are in the process of recovery, that you will peel away final layer and know that you have recovered.

Please continue with therapy and the help you can get from Gina. I would not be here today if it wasn’t for the love and support from my wife.

Blessings,

Richard

writearby Richard, this is so, so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it here for all of us to see.

lauriewrites 7 pts

You've made me remember someone fondly, someone I hope is doing really, really well in spite of a situation so far beyond his control, that I hope he has also been able to share in the name of healing.

So glad you could do that here! All the best to you, with every not-small victory you achieve.

Redneck Mommy 10 pts

There is nothing wrong with latching on to hope. I do it every day and have in fact, tattooed something on my arm to remind me to never give up on my own hope. Thank you so much for finding the strength and taking the time to share your story and use your voice to shine a light on your pain. I know it could not have been easy for you. I wish you continued healing and I hope that your words inspire hope in those that read them. Thank you for your bravery.

SarahPMiller 17 pts

Scott, I'm so sorry for what happened to you and for all you've suffered since. Thank you so much for sharing your story here -- for opening your box, as it were.

Therapy is tremendously hard work, always, but good on you for doing it anyway. Speaking out is a huge win -- consider me one person very much celebrating this for you.

Wishing you peace and continued healing, now and in the future.

JuniperLimb 9 pts

I love your analogies. Makes perfect sense to me. You can do this. You will get back online. It's going to look different, but you will be whole.

Frelle 5 pts

Thank you for finding the strength to write your story here, and with the power and truth of what happens when a secret bleeds into our life to the point where dealing with it is inevitable. I'm so glad you have the support of your wife, and I wish you continued healing. I hope sharing your journey here helps you. It helped me.

Supporter

Brave, brave, brave. Scott, you are so brave and so strong to finally face this demon.It is a long, hard road, but you have incredible support in your wife and here from VU. Keep on taking each step slowly and you will get to your destination. Thank you for sharing your story. Men don't often share past abuse and each man that does, helps the cause. I have seen first hand how important it is to tell someone so you can begin to heal. thank you for telling us.

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