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I still didn’t end our relationship, even when he told that he would do the same thing to me every night until I volunteered to take my shirt off myself.
And he did.
And a few weeks after that, drunk again, he got my shirt and pants off before I found my voice and screamed. I screamed until my roommate opened her door and he was afraid she’d walk into my room.
That night, he dumped me over instant messenger because I was a “bitch” and a “whore” and he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He told me I wasn’t good enough for him.
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Looking back, the only things I regret are not trying to leave sooner, and not reporting what he did to anyone.
I thought he was too drunk to remember a lot of it, until a year ago when I received an email from him letting me know he was sorry for what he’d done and apparently in one of his alcoholic anonymous steps, wanted to make amends.
Maybe it was spiteful of me, but I never replied. I don’t want his apologies, I don’t want him to think he’s forgiven.
What I want is to not be afraid to be around drunk men, even my own husband, whom I love and trust with my whole heart. I want to not feel like I let myself be abused. I want to feel confident in my ability to protect myself. I want to live my life without those memories.
And maybe this is my first step to that.
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
You didn't let anything happen.
Wow. What a sick and twisted thing for someone to do. I hope that sharing it here has made you able to share with your husband, share with whoever will listen. You did not deserve to be treated that way.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I cannot imagine how painful it is to recount such experiences. But meeting them head on is the first step toward healing. Kudos to you for being brave enough to put it out there.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry that this happened to you.
I hope that your bravery (and all others that post here) helps others that aren't able to share with others ... yet.
I found this website and read your story yesterday. It took me a full day before I could send this comment. Your story could be mine. I married a man that I met when I was in college, and as you so aptly put it, he was "oddly very normal". He did not hit me or verbally abuse me until after our wedding, but after the honeymoon he made up for lost time!
Foolish pride kept me with him for the first year, fear kept me with him for an additional two years, but finally I left. I very soon met my wonderful husband, and his kindness and understanding helped me cope with the memories of the nightmare I had lived.
But I do NOT forgive my first husband, and it is not petty or spiteful of you not to respond to that e mail!! God may forgive him, but you are not required to do so!
Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. My ordeal was twenty years ago and I still find it hard to find words for what I endured.
I am happy that you've decided to take this step and tell your story.
There is nothing spiteful about not wanting to give an abuser something they ask for. You have every right to ignore any and all requests from him
Thank you for sharing these painful events in your life with those who may be going through the same ordeal.
I'm ashamed on behalf of men everywhere...
There are signs. There are always signs. That no one noticed, that no one took the time to find out what was going on, is awful...
...and the terror of disclosure is more awful still. Forced silence - I can't imagine what it must be like, but I'm glad that you escaped, have stayed strong, and have found someone you love and who loves and respects you in return...
You didn't "let" this happen- it was all his fault. Your message is very powerful and shared by many women, especially in college like you were. You are so beautiful and I wish you luck in relishing every moment of the rest of your life, especially with your wonderful husband.
To have held that inside you for so long is a terrible burden and I hope by letting it out here you are freer within yourself. I know you don't want to forgive this person at all and I understand that. But I know from personal experience that to forgive somebody actually frees you. Not forgiving someone is like a poison and it eats at the person on the inside. He doesn't deserve forgiveness but whoever really does. Please consider that YOU will be free if you can forgive. You don't even have to tell him. Anyways I hope you are OK and good luck for your future.
This is the first step to closure, although you will never forget someday you will get the closure you need and the memories will fade.
I am so glad you were able to turn him away when he begged you to take him back.
Thank you for sharing. Stories like these need to be told, and I am certain it will help other women to read this.
I'm glad this person is in AA now, but that doesn't obligate you to suddenly forgive or believe in him. When will people realize it just isn't that easy?! I do hope that someday you can work through some of the anger, pain, and fear for yourself... not for him or anyone else. Thank you for writing here.
Thank you for sharing this, I know it was difficult - and as for him contacting you - you certainly don't owe him absolution...
You are well on your way to learning that while you have those tragic memories,,,they do not define you as a person. Having the courage to share your story is a huge step ...and one day you will feel safe and secure again...trust it will happen...trust yourself!
bravo on your bravery here....
and thank you for it. it reminds people that date rape is very much real... and no always means no...
You'll never forget, but could you forgive? Not him and his acts, but yourself. Forgive your innocence and realize it wasn't your fault! When we know better, we do better. You did better! Forgiveness can free you up from carrying the shame and guilt. I too hope you can go back and embrace that scared and frightened young woman and tell her she didn't deserve this and she doesn't have to carry the burden any longer. Thanks for having the courage to share!! I am really proud of you and hope you begin moving forward from here. Blessings to you!!
I wonder if your forgave him, if you could forget...Best wishes to you as you move on into what I hope is al ife of nothing but happiness.
I'm going to believe that talking about it IS the first step...going public on this sight is too...self-forgiveness and going through the pain on your way to healing is the rest. Why else would us survivors talk about it in the first place...
I too had a similar situation when I was in college. Drinking was involved on my part as well though. I was date raped, but always blamed the fact that I was drunk, on myself. It WAS my fault I was drunk, but not my fault I was raped. Also, I am now In AA doing the steps......and understand his intentions in contacting you. But, I wouldnt respong either. You don't have to. All his job in the steps is to try to say sorry and to ask what he can do to make it up to you. As an AA member, i know that we sometimes don't get an answer. We expect not to a lot of times. A lot of alchys have done way too much damage to ever hear back from people! So don't feel bad EVER, for not getting back to him. Great post!
i, a complete stranger, am proud of you for writing this down, sending it out to be read, for looking the years of silence square in the eye and not backing down.
and you don't owe him forgiveness. but you do owe it to yourself.
thank you for sharing this and i wish you soft peace.
I have a similar dislike for drunk men, for different reasons. I'm sorry you went through this, but so glad you found your voice.
Thank you for being brave enough to tell people what happens. It doesn't matter that you didn't break up with him. He had no right to take what you didn't want to give. It doesn't make you a bad person not to answer his email. No one says you have to forgive him, and I don't know of anyone who would blame you if you never did.
Please know that you are not alone.
Clicking that "send" button and telling your story is an amazing step. Like one of the other comments mentioned, each time you tell your story, it loses a little more of it's grip on you. I completely understand your fear of being around people who are drinking - that's something that's so hard to get past. (And, btw, it's given me something to think about.)
I'm so sorry that you had to live through that, but am glad that you're finally able to put a voice to your story.
Just remember, you're not alone.
RT @MaggieDammit: New survivor story by @overflowinbrain. Please go show support and/or RT: http://tinyurl.com/deht2j
RT @MaggieDammit: New survivor story by @overflowinbrain. Please go show support and/or RT: http://tinyurl.com/deht2j
New survivor story by @overflowinbrain. Please go show support and/or RT: http://tinyurl.com/deht2j
Thank you so much for speaking out.
If he's truly seeking help for his problems, that is a step in a better direction. However, you're under no obligation to forgive him or give him absolution. In your position, I don't think I'd be able to, either. It's not spiteful of you. Not by a long shot.
I hope you continue to find healing in your journey.
I am so glad you did not respond to this man. Sometimes sorry is just not enough.
You are brave to tell your story. Know that there are women who stand behind you, alongside you.
thanks for sharing I hope it helps to get it out and helps you to be able to move on its hard writing it down on paper but once you do it gives you a release of sorts, I am thankful you got away from him.
I'm so sorry this happened but glad you found the courage to stay out of it.
We do lots of stupid things when we're young for a variety of reasons, but the important thing is that you grew.
Sounds like you're still growing, too, and by being able to put these words down to relate the tale, maybe you can finally grow past it.
wow, your bravery is inspiring to me. truly.
good for you for putting a voice to terrible actions and shedding light into dark corners.
i wish you all the best with your second and third steps...and more
Erika is totally right...the more you share it, they more you give it away. That's the key to the Unsilenced part, giving each other a voice. You keep on sharing, and it'll get easier.
Have you ever gone to an al-anon meeting? They're for friends or relatives or victims of alcoholics. The best thing I ever did for myself was to find the courage to go to those meetings. It made ALL the difference. I'd really encourage you to try. It's very freeing.
You're on the right path, dude. (((hugs)))
It is so brave of you to share this story; certainly the first step to taking control.
I do hope that someday you are able to forgive - not (at all) because HE deserves it, but because YOU deserve to be free. Forgiving does not mean forgetting - only that you refuse, going forward, to give him anymore control.
Thank you again for sharing your story - you give strength to more women everytime you speak these words out loud.
As bad as the physical acts were -- and I wouldn't for a second minimize those -- the cruelest part of this was the verbal and emotional assault on your self-esteem. Even if he'd never laid a hand on you, this would have been damaging enough. And he couldn't have chosen a better weapon if he'd tried. He knew exactly where to aim those words where they'd do the most damage. And make no mistake, this wasn't just a case of sophomoric hormones run amok. If that were the case, he would have simply moved on to an easier mark. For some reason even he probably doesn't understand, he had a need to bring you down.
But as damaging as the experiences were, you can hold your head up knowing that you stayed true to yourself when it wasn't easy. Even when it was damned hard.
I hate that it happened, hate how it happened, hate that it happens again every day somewhere. But I'm glad to see you shaking it off and dropping it in your wake. Hopefully the rest of it will fade away now that you've put it out there and acknowledged it. The secret only has power as long as it remains hidden.
And because of your courage in telling the story, some other young woman will be able to recognize the same trap before she falls into it.
You may never be able to make peace with the past. But I hope you're at least able to make peace with yourself, and realize that none of what he told you was true and that you had no blame in what happened.
I wouldn't know what to do if that happened to me and my abuser emailed me years later trying to apologize. Good for you for not replying, though. He needs to learn to forgive himself, I'm sure, but that doesn't mean you have to forgive him for what he did.
Each time you share your story, it owns a little less of you. You've shown such courage here in trusting us. Thank you. And best wishes on your path to closure and peace.
Thank you for sharing. I hope that writing what happened to you will help you to heal. It certainly has for me.
I truly hope this gives you some sort of closure and peace of mind. Thank you for posting your story.
thank you for sharing and i hope that this helps you find some sort of closure and peace. i understand how you feel about drinking/being around drinkers even those you trust. i hope that you are able to move beyond that one day and not have fear at all.