Shauna
When I first met him, I was immediately smitten. He didn’t like me, though. He liked my friend. I’m not even sure he realized another person was standing there as he chatted her up. They exchanged numbers and I remember watching him as he walked away. I wished it was my number he’d taken. In hindsight, the universe was probably doing me a favor. I never thought about that until now.
A few months passed and for whatever reason the two of them never hooked up. It didn’t seem to bother my friend—she had lots of guys interested in her. Then one day while on a date, I saw him again. This time he walked right up to the guy I was with and shook his hand. They had gone to school together. I thought what a small world. The feelings I’d felt when I saw him all those months before came flooding back. My heart ached—my belly, full of butterflies. It was the worst and the best feeling. My date introduced us and as he reached out to shake my hand I knew I’d met the man I would marry. At least that’s what I was hoping.
Better be careful what you wish for. That’s what my grandmother always said to me.
After that night, I ran into him again. This time, he approached me, asked if I was still going out with so-and-so. I shook my head no and felt my heart racing. I tried to act cool so he wouldn’t think I was complete lunatic. But I was crazy about him. And I didn’t even know him. I didn’t know that behind that smile was an insanely jealous, possessive, verbally abusive sociopath.
Not until it was too late.
He called me the next day. I was over the moon with excitement. On paper he was perfect. He had an outgoing personality, he was beautiful, he was smart, he said all the right things…
People loved him. He was popular and well liked, the life of the party—in public. My best description of him now? A snake charmer.
It wasn’t long before I saw glimpses into his dark side. Any time another man so much as smiled at me, it must have been because I wanted to sleep with him. He began to control me—told me what to wear, what TV shows I could watch, whether I could answer the phone when my mother was calling.
I get angry now when I think back at my life then. HOW did I let this happen? WHY didn’t I pack my bags and run as fast as I could in the opposite direction?
The answer is I don’t know.
After a few months of dating we moved in together and things got worse quickly. He was no longer handsome to me. He was ugly and hateful and most days I wished he would die. I fantasized the police knocking on the front door and telling me he’d been in a tragic auto accident and that they were sorry but he didn’t survive. I remember practicing in the bathroom mirror my facial expression upon hearing the news. I had to be convincing—I had to make them think I was saddened by what they were telling me. I couldn’t let them see that they’d released me from my prison.
But that never happened. He came home every day at the same time without a scratch.
After an especially awful weekend of him berating me and telling me I was worthless and stupid and how no one else would have me, I decided to finally leave him. I was going to load my things in the car after he left for work and leave a note on the kitchen counter telling him I was never coming back. The very thought of it terrified me.
And then Monday morning I realized I was late in getting my period. I begged God, “Please don’t let me be pregnant.” But I was. It was the worst news I’d ever received. I was pregnant and 23 years old and beat down to the point that I thought I had no choice but to stay with him.
Girls can be so stupid.
The next day I told him the news and he seemed happy about it. He even treated me nicely for a few days. The name calling stopped, he doted on me… he even said I looked beautiful pregnant. I thought maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. Maybe having a baby together would change him.
But the niceties didn’t last long. Soon he was back to his abusive self—telling me I was stupid because I didn’t finish college, calling me names like “fat ass,” questioning every penny I spent, monitoring my daily routine.
“What’d you spend $7.44 at the convenience store on?” He asked once.
“Um, I think I bought a Coke and a Snickers bar.”
“So you think that’s a smart idea? You know they jack up the prices at the convenience stores. But I guess since you’re stupid you wouldn’t know something like that. DON’T DO IT AGAIN!”
I apologized and then locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I cried a lot.
I couldn’t let him see me though because that would just make things worse. He’d get angry, tell me I was a baby, and throw things at me.
I shut down.
I built walls.
I moved into self-preservation mode.
I focused on my unborn child. The one I vowed to protect.
We got married. Because isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you find yourself pregnant out of wedlock? But I knew at the reception that I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. During our “first dance” I said something like, “Let’s really work on getting along. I know we can do this.”
And that’s when I saw it. There was evil in his eyes. He pulled away from me, grabbed my arms really hard and said, “Why’d you have to ruin a perfectly good moment?”
I cried. Right there on the dance floor with 100 people looking on. I couldn’t stop.
My life sucked.
I lost most of my friends after I got married. I didn’t and I don’t blame then. I wouldn’t have been friends with me either. They couldn’t stick around and watch the horror unfold before their eyes. I felt alone in my prison cell. The only thing that kept me going was the growing fetus inside me.
I wasn’t allowed to find out what I was having. He went with me to every appointment to make sure of that. I wasn’t allowed to use disposable diapers even though I would be the one changing them. I couldn’t go to lunch with my friends. I couldn’t spend time with my family. I could go to work and that was it.
I know what people are thinking. “Why would you go along with this? Why didn’t you leave? Why would you let someone treat you like this?”
And the answer is simple. When you’re told you’re worthless and stupid long enough you start to believe it. I didn’t feel I had permission to do anything, say anything, be anything, without his approval.
After another year, I got pregnant with our second child—a second daughter. And things only got worse. He shoved me a couple of times. He pinched. He grabbed. He mocked. I still wanted him dead, but no longer in an accident. I wanted to kill him myself. And when I started having those thoughts I knew I had to get out. I had to find a way to be strong enough for me and my two young daughters to say “you know what? This isn’t OK.”
Remarkably, miraculously, I did just that. One day I DID load up the car and I DID leave a note saying I wouldn’t be back.
And it was the most liberating day of my life. I took control. I found me again. And you know what? I’m awesome. And I’m strong. And I’m smart. No one would ever tell me differently ever again.
He didn’t make it easy for me. But it didn’t matter. I could do anything. THIS was easy compared to the hell I’d been living. It was the hardest year and a half of my life—getting the divorce. But I did it. And I never looked back. And I never will.
Does it make me sick now, thinking back to how my life was then? Absolutely. But, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had I not gone through this experience. That’s not to excuse what he did to me –not at all. But you know, he was a great teacher. I learned a lot about myself during those three years. Mostly, that I love myself too much to let someone treat me poorly. I was abused. There, I said it. It was mostly verbal, but the punches left deep scars and tender wounds.
They’re mostly healed now. And I’m a better wife to my new husband (well, 8 years new) and my four children because of it. That may sound a little strange that a person would be better after an experience such as this, but it’s true. It’s my reality.
And I will never again be the girl I used to be.
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52 Responses to “Shauna”
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Shauna, CONGRATULATIONS on getting out. I commend you on the strength and courage it took to leave. You are an amazing woman.
Thank you for sharing your story here. I am so sorry for your horrible wedding moment – that just makes me so sad. You – every woman – deserves so much more than that.
Good for you for taking control. I don’t know you at all but I am so glad you found you again. Be well.
Beautiful post Shauna, thank you for sharing, and good for you finding freedom and loving yourself enough to refuse to allow that treatment any longer. Reading your story encourages me to some day share my own story here on VU. Blessings.
Thank you for speaking out.
I’m glad you found the strength to get out and that you were able to trust and love again. I’m also happy that you can find the silver lining in this tragedy and say that it’s helped you be a better, stronger person.
You are simply one of the most amazing people I know. I knew that before I read this.
I am so proud to know and love you. So proud.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that but I’m so glad to know the amazing woman that you are. {{{hugs mama}}}
I’m so glad you shared and agree that you are Awesome and can do anything. Your kids and husband are lucky to have you.
you are amazing! you are strong and so smart to be able to just pack up two daughters not knowing your future, BUT knowing, any future was better without him! I am so glad that you found a man that you deserved now! one day, your daughters will thank you for this!
“But, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had I not gone through this experience… I learned a lot about myself during those three years. Mostly, that I love myself too much to let someone treat me poorly.” I understand this, in the same manner that I understand, “I am a grateful alcoholic,” or a “grateful member of Al-anon.” You’ve learned a great deal coming through this experience. Congratulations on getting out! Congratulations for taking control and starting a new life for yourself and four your children. Congratulations for finding your voice, speaking out, and calling abuse, abuse.
I am so glad you found your strength to leave. And happy for you and your life you have created since that moment.
You are a rock my friend…and I love you! miss you.
You are amazing. Your strength and courage comes shining through your words. I wish more of us could and would and will grow to become the kind of woman you so obviously are now.
Oh honey, I am so very proud of you. I am so sorry you had to go through a single second with that prick. But I am thankful that those babies kept you strong, and you got away. You are wonderful woman, and his being a coward doesn’t define you in the least. Hugs to you, friend!
Wow, Shauna. I’m in awe of you. You are amazing. Thank you for speaking out and sharing your story. And thank you for being so brave and getting your girls out of there! God bless you.
You ARE awesome. And it is true that the skin that heals over wounds is made of much stronger stuff.
Thank you for sharing your story- and for being so brave for yourself and your children.
You are an incredible woman. Thank you for sharing your story.
May each day be a little easier, a little better than the last… thank you so much for sharing your story. Your girls will thank you someday for being who you are!
I just teared up when I got to the part about your wedding dance. Such a horrible thing to do to you. All of it was. I’m so sorry you suffered through that, but so happy that you found yourself at the end and were able to get out. And you carried through with that decision to the end. Awesome.
Shauna,
Your open heart and courage are amazing. It’s beautiful to see the healing and compassion that you have by loving yourself. It’s through the struggle that we fall in love with yourselves.
Namaste,
kama
I’m so moved by you. So inspired by your courage and your commitment to love yourself. Awesome.
Wow…I’m kind of speechless right now. I have a similar story, but no marriage or kids with him. I got out too. But wow, you are so strong to get out with two kids and go through a divorce. You’re amazing. Thank you for sharing your story, I think this will help lots of women.
I’m glad you can say that you learned from that situation, it shows healing has taken place, and that you’re smart! Bless you and your family.
I’ve been there too. So proud of you. It’s hard to get out and you’re never the same person you were and that’s okay.
xoxo.
Love to you.
Your strength and courage amazes me. Not only in leaving him, but in sharing this so that other women know they can leave as well.
I relate on so many levels with this. You are awesome, amazing, and brave to be able to move forward. Much happiness to you and continue moving forward
Telling the story is a huge part of the healing.
Love you.
First things first, good for you for finding the courage to walk out while you still could. It couldn’t have been easy, especially not with two young children. Most frequently the financial difficulties that involves are enough by themselves to keep the abused in the relationship.
Second, it’s not so very uncommon to find that people who have lived through abusive situations come out of it stronger overall. I say “overall” because there are almost always some lingering scars that never completely fade. But I can hear in your words that you’ve made peace with yours. And perhaps in time, the memories will become just that. Faded memories.
I’m awed, frankly, by your whole story. There’s a core of strength in it, but you haven’t become bitter and hardened, which would have been a natural response. And you teach an important lesson here: that there is a life on the other side, if you can just get there. And you can be stronger for the experience, better for it.
I’ll repeat what others have said, there’s no need second guessing yourself for staying. You left when it was the right time to leave. You left when you knew you wouldn’t look back. And as hard as it is for friends and family to watch, you had to leave in your own time, the right time. So there’s nothing to be gained by wondering why you didn’t do it sooner.
But somehow I think you know this. I think you learned it as you were learning that despite what you may have been told, you do have worth, and you are deserving of respect, and love. And I’m so very glad you’ve found it. May you live long, and live well.
Much love.
You saved yourself and those little females of yours. That is a miracle.
Good for you. I would never ask why you never left earlier, I would simply congratulate you for getting out before it was too late. You rock.
Good. For. You.
You left when you were READY, and that makes a lot of difference, I think. I celebrate you and your new life.
Thank you for showing us all that it’s possible to find our power even when we think we have none.
Congratulations on finding the strength to get out. You’re right, you are better now. You are stronger
wow. this is an amazing story and you are an amazing woman and mother. i’m heartbroken for what you had to go through, but at the same time i’m so inspired by your courage. thank you for sharing this.
The important thing to focus on is that you did leave. You are the best example to your child that they could ever hope for. Remind yourself of that anytime thoughts about the past get you down.
What an awesome role model you are for your girls! Thank you so much for sharing your story so that other women can see they have options as well. Leaving is scary, but when we see that others have gone before us and ended up better for it, it makes it that much easier to do. You are so strong and courageous!
Thank you so much for sharing. Truly inspiring. Congratulations.
Shauna,
What an amazing mom and woman you are. What you went through and what you did could not have been easy. You are so strong. I hope life brings you everything you deserve and more. I know there will be a special place in heaven for people like you. People who deserve more than they were ever given.
Good for you, Shauna. It’s hard to walk away, I know.
What an inspirational story. Thank you for sharing. You are an amazing woman!
Wow, Shauna. You are amazing. So proud of you for sharing this.
Shauna, thanks for sharing your story. I couldn’t imagine the pain, but am so glad that you had the courage to get out. You are amazing! XOXO
You are strong and you saved your beautiful children and you are wonderful. I have been there and I know how hard it is. So many women don’t find the strength but you did and you are amazing for that. You are an inspiration.
You not only saved your life, but what an example you are to your girls. Showing them that women are strong and they don’t have to be put down. ((hugs)) thank you for sharing your story.
“I’m awesome. And I’m strong. And I’m smart. No one would ever tell me differently ever again.” GOOD FOR YOU! These are the things that every survivor needs so much to believe in her heart.
Thank God you do.
Your story has shown someone else that getting out and getting another chance at life is possible. Bless you for sharing.
I’m so glad you broke free and are able to share this story of your victory.
I’ve said it since I left him. Hell, i said it before I met him: “As parents, we need to raise kind boys and strong women.” Maybe the next generation will be better. Your story gives me hope, because you showed those kids what was right.
I am proud for you.
You ARE amazing!
You might regret not leaving sooner, but you DID leave, and you and your daughters are now safe and that’s all that matters.
I’m so glad that you’re in a happier, better place now, and that it only made you into this amazing, strong person.
Thank you for tell your amazing story. I’m so glad that you escaped the situation and now have a much better life.
Good for you. You sound so strong.
Thank you for having the courage to survive and to share your story.
I am so happy you left. But please be careful. Sometimes it takes more than a divorce to make someone like him stop. I’m so happy for you, but I am also worried.
I am so proud that you wrote this, Shauna.
“”My heart ached—my belly, full of butterflies. It was the worst and the best feeling..”"
Note you noticed immediately something was unhealthy about him, as you said, “WORST and best feeling.”
Someone, before him, taught you not to trust your instinct. Instinct=God
“”I get angry now when I think back at my life then. HOW did I let this happen? WHY didn’t I pack my bags and run as fast as I could in the opposite direction?
The answer is I don’t know.”"
We seek what is familiar, literally, “like family.” Who treated you in a similar fashion as a child, what caregiver? Maybe they didn’t let you cry or spoke abusively to you?
Our radar’s always pick up on people who are like our original care givers.
Once we’ve been victimized, we will attract victimizers. Our energy changes when we’ve done some intense self-work with a therapist.
“”Better be careful what you wish for. That’s what my grandmother always said to me.”"
It is not your fault.
“”Girls can be so stupid.”"
Whose voice is that, telling you you’re stupid, in your head?
It’s not you.
It’s his.
And it’s wrong.
Tell that voice, when it enters your head, “I am not stupid. Stupid people don’t survive.”
“”People loved him. He was popular and well liked, the life of the party—in public. “”
It makes sense you would be attracted to him!
Have faith in yourself and your abilities-
I do.
Love,
Kat