jenn. oh my goodness. i am well aware that there isn't any which way that violence doesn't traverse among human beings but your story, dropped my already gaping jaw.
thanks to the so holy site of TMZ.com i read the actual police report for michael lohan's most recent attack against his on and off girlfriend kate major. he was still under court order to stay away and with the court date a day away he went over to "talk" about it all with her last night.
almost obviously.. violence occurred again between the two and the result is a longer "stay away" and kate should protect herself as a part of that legal agreement. what drew my mouth open and turned down it's corners were the actual documents that they use in florida in domestic/family violence cases.
first glaring assault to texas justice was that michael was arrested on "suspicion" of domestic violence assault and battery while i was arrested "for" family violence assault misdemeanor (with a compound fracture) while my husband had earlier broken a guitar string and got stung. his 1 inch welt that had ceased to bleed hours before was listed as my assault in a paragraph that described it as 6 inches long and bleeding. curiously, weapons or other felony makers never did come up. it might have had something to do with my husband notarizing a statement of "no harm." or maybe it's the fact that i have and always will bite my nails down to the quick.
second blow to the texas police procedures and policies- kate in FL was observed and recorded for symptoms such as, calm, fear, tearfulness, anger, contusions, concussion, simple fracture, compound fracture, pregnancy, and more. my case noted included a statement saying that i had dislocated my wrist. it doesn't take 7 pins and screws held together by a titanium plate to fix a dislocated joint. does it? just for time saving sake- NO. the answer is no.
i was crying almost uncontrollably as my husband calmly told the police that i fell onto a table and broke my own wrist.
the rest, i've told. we are so far behind florida i cannot wait to do more research to find out where this lone star state really does rank.
your story is just mind boggling. i cannot even begin to imagine the rage that your mother deals with, unless i look at my own mother. she couldn't physically and would never try to physically harm my father, but i think that urge is there and only stifled by the 1/2 gallon of scotch she consumes in the evening. though she's the angriest drunk i've ever known, she's 73 now and unable to throw a punch. i too cannot count on my parents for baby sitting. certainly not at night. after 5-6pm things go through the looking glass and i would never leave my three year old in the situation i was in because i can't bear for her to have all the unanswered questions that i did at her age.
since children aren't equipped to understand drunkenness they (i) explain (ed) it in ways that make sense for them. they became a part of me and something that i was a part of. at times my growing mind did stop to consider if i was at all at fault for mommy being "sick" at night and at other times i was just compelled to secretly join her in liquor since it seemed clear life was tied to closely to it. in my teen years it became a rite of passage i was well ready to take!
when children are left with unanswered questions in their family or in life are steadfast pilgrims and will find an answer themselves in their own way and usually in a way that is very harmful to them.
it'sstrang how abuse courses through our veins and, often instead of acting as a vaccine, it leads survivors to repeat the experience in some fashion however similar or dissimilar.
mine was easy to see in hindsight. my mother drank and my father hid and i sought out a daddy in every man i've ever known except my current husband. of course 'vei made bad decisions and of course i ended up participant in abuse within my own marriage. i could never seen this coming for me as an only mildly troubled girl. of course, it's 20/20 now. i know what i've done to land me in the messes i've endured.
spousal elder abuse. jenn, be brave and wise! don't interfere or intervene unless you speak with your father and he grants you blessing to help him. step really lightly, if you ever try to bring this topic out of the shadows. find out about things like power of attorney, the rights you have or do not have to commit an unwilling patient to a treatment facility that may help. most of all, just be there for your dear father and please don't allow any of your siblings to stigmatize him or treat him like a man who cannot take care of himself. if you do come to the point that you must intervene, support your father as best you can. it is unlikely that he will be all aboard with this either at the start, men who struggle with heterosexual abuse are probably the most under served group of all survivors. he may already have what some people call "battered womens' syndrome". he may try to protect her as many victims do.
take the best care you can for your father, but never let anything eclipse your own healthy family and future.