Tatiana
I’m seventeen.
His hands tighten on my throat. I’m not trying to breathe, nor to escape, nor to fight back. If I hurt him, he’ll hurt me more. My eyes flutter shut – I do it so he can’t see the life fade from them, because he’s going to kill me. I’ve accepted that. I don’t care anymore. It’d be better than living like this.
He releases me. Spits in my face. “I’ll never kill you. You aren’t worth going to jail for.”
*
He’s in a rage. It’s my fault. He’s knocked over my computer desk and his. He’s thrown my monitor across the room. He’s pushed over the entertainment stand, sending our TV crashing to the ground, where it still buzzes. I’m shrieking – stay away from me – or maybe I’m taunting him – come and get me, you pussy. He hates being insulted with ‘feminine’ words. It’s one of his triggers.
In all the chaos, something has bruised my arm, badly, but I ignore it. He’ll grab that bruise if he knows it’s there.
For a moment, silence, as he stares across the wreckage of our living room at me. Upstairs, where his parents live, is silent too. That never happens. His dad watches television all day. His four-year-old nephew is up there, playing. His mom is cooking at the top of the stairs. I can smell something frying.
I know they’ve heard us. As he starts moving towards me, stepping on the crooked pieces of furniture, I realize my back is to a wall. But they’ve heard us. Someone will come investigate.
“Let’s go outside,” I hear his mom say. The sound of his nephew’s footsteps shuffling across the floor are followed by the back door closing. The volume on the television ramps up, impossibly loud.
And then, the way a child does while pulling the wings off a butterfly, he smiles at me.
No one is coming.
*
I’m eighteen.
He never cleans up after himself. His mom does it while I’m at work. She’s missed something though, because I can smell it.
He’s stroking my hair. I’m lying naked on the carpet in front of him.
Something’s rancid. I wish he weren’t touching me.
His fingers tighten in my hair. They twist, and press my face into the floor.
The stench is a tall glass of spoiled milk he’s hidden in the cracked entertainment center. He pours it over me, from head to toe.
“Sleep well, you slut,” he sneers. I’m just grateful he doesn’t kick me as he stands up and heads into the bedroom.
I sleep, but not well.
*
I’ve worn a turtleneck to work every day for two weeks. Beneath it, my pale white neck is a collar of mottled amber, ghastly purple, sickly green, and startling red – the hickies he gives me to camouflage the bruises his hands leave.
My coworker looks at me. I see her steel herself. I see the way she licks her lips, nervous about what she’s about to say: “Tatiana, he’s hurting you. Please let me help.”
I’m insulted that she knows. I’m insulted that I haven’t hidden it well enough.
“What? He is not,” I laugh. I turn my back on her and walk away, wishing I had half the courage she does.
She never offers help again.
*
I’m nineteen.
He’s finally fallen asleep, and I’m going to take a shower. My bruises are fresh. I’m wearing a new necklace, the silver stark against his stained-glass hand prints.
The light is on in the kitchen. His mom is there in her nightgown, a glass of water in her hand. She barely glances at me. “I like your necklace,” she says.
I rush out of the room before I start to cry.
*
I’m twenty.
“You’re so fucking ugly. I hate your nose. Wear this hat while you suck my cock so I don’t have to look down and see you.”
If that line were in a movie, people would laugh at it. Some people would laugh until they cried.
Tears roll down my cheeks as I oblige him.
*
“You don’t sound happy,” my mom says, during one of our rare phone calls.
I’m too tired to dissemble. I don’t even try to hide the tremble of my voice as I reply, “I’m not.”
“Then come home.”
*
It’s been nearly seven years since I heeded her advice.
Thanks, Mom.
####
Tatiana blogs at A Very Good Year. Today is her birthday.
63 Responses to “Tatiana”
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[...] I share my story at Violence UnSilenced. Today, I refuse to be ashamed of what happened to me. Today, my 27th birthday, my first as a [...]
Heartbreaking! I am so sorry you had to go through this, but I am so happy you found the courage and strength to leave.
Have a VERY Happy Birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You have so much more to celebrate, so much more to mark than the passing of a year: It’s another year farther from that horrible, unforgivable experience.
Glad you got out. Hope that you have been able to distance yourself from it in more ways than just time. It’s the greatest gift you can ever give yourself. Wishing you peace and happiness in abundance.
Wow, Tatiana. You are incredible. So brave, so strong. Happy birthday to an amazing and wonderful woman! Blessings to you and your family. Thank you for telling your story!
Your words are almost brief, yet when I’m reading them, I feel as if I’m physically watching all this happen to you.
I don’t know you as well as I’d like to. And because of that, I feel humbled that I’ve been able to see into this part of your life.
For that, thank you so, so much for sharing.
(Also, Happy Birthday!)
Happy Birthday! Your story made me cry. I’m so glad you are safe, and that you heeded your mom’s advice.
Happy Birthday. I’m glad you’re here.
Oh honey…
I love you so much and I’m so sorry, but happy you wrote this today. Today is your day. You are so beautiful!
You are a bright shining light of life and cherished friendship in my life. I adore you.
Tatiana, I think I like what Thordora said just before me: I’m glad you’re here.
I am so sorry, and I thank you for sharing. I send you nothing but a peaceful, loving life.
What a gift to yourself to have left that place in your life. You are reborn. Happy birthday, and may there be so, so many more.
I am not sure I can find the right words. I am so sorry this happened to you. I am so happy you got away from him. Thank you for sharing with us. Living through things like this make us stronger people. I have my own story to share someday, I admire you for having the strength to get it out. Love you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m not sure if you see it, but what a great birthday gift to yourself, to share your story. I’m so glad that you got out, and that your mom was there for you, to help you. Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday, love. I am so glad that you got out. I am so sorry for what you went through. I am disgusted that his parents did nothing. I’m glad you mother gave you that advice, I’m so glad you listened. I love you dearly.
this hit home in more ways than i’d like to admit.
thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for leaving him. you’re so strong.
Happy birthday! Thank you for sharing your story. It has the power to change lives.
Happy Birthday! You’re free. I am so glad for you. Thank you for sharing. Most people don’t realize how far others will go to cover up things their children do. Thank you for throwing light on it.
I don’t really know what to say, other than I’m sorry that you had to go through that. This story is shocking, and horrifying, but I am so glad you listened to the advice. I love you so, so very much, and am so happy for the place you are in now. Happy Birthday. Congratulations on refusing to be a victim anymore. <3
Thank you for sharing. You are a strong woman for leaving. I’m disgusted that anyone in that house could have known what was happening and not done anything to help. Just crazy. Happy birthday, may YOUR day be FABULOUS!
Your daughter has such an incredible mother. What a lucky girl. I can’t even imagine being in such a dark place, but you had the courage to get out. And now, the courage to share your story.
Happy birthday to an amazing mother. An amazing woman. An amazing person.
Bless you for finding the courage to save yourself.
Happy Birthday as you celebrate finding your new life which is now hopefully pain free.
It’s such a hard cycle to break but I hope that with each story others out there realize that it can, and should, be broken.
Tatiana, I’m so sorry that you had to live through that but so proud of you for making the decision to leave. Happy Birthday to you and may you never experience hurt like that ever again.
Chilling, haunting words and immeasurable dignity and grace- Tatiana, you are a survivor. May your birthday be a landmark, a measurement of who you are and the beauty that lies within.
Oh lady.
I’m so sorry. And so glad you’re in a better place now.
Happy Birthday. I’m so glad you went home and are around to celebrate today. Thank you for sharing your story and being so brave.
Happy Birthday, Tatiana. And happy 7 years of freedom. Thank you for sharing this. Hoping for nothing but love and care in your future.
Happy birthday, happy healing.
im so glad that you decided to leave **hugs**
Happy birthday Tatiana.
You, more than people who haven’t been through something like this recognize how precious each and every new day is.
Enjoy your special one today and hold Maia close to your heart. She has a beautiful and strong mother.
Here’s hoping this birthday brings a little more healing to your heart. I’m sorry you went through that…and so very glad this birthday doesn’t find you still with him.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for having the courage to leave when you did. Thank you for refusing to be ashamed. Thank you for surviving.
You are a wonderful, strong, vibrant, woman.
Have the happiest of birthdays.
I’m so sorry you went through this. Thank you for sharing.
Happy birthday.
Thank you for sharing, for speaking out and here’s to a glorious birthday!
Your story is stark and sad and surprising. How can people stand aside like that, I wonder? But I am not in it. Those feelings are all so complicated, aren’t they?
Your story is also incredibly compelling and well written. I’m glad you got out of there. But I’m also glad you wrote this down, because you can write. And I hope you keep writing.
A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!!! You have so much to celebrate! Thank you for sharing!
I am relieved that you escaped but angry for all those lost years. May all your future birthdays be bright.
Oh, honey. I am in tears over what you have gone through. I am so happy that you escaped and survived, and I hope you have many, many more happy birthdays to come.
Here’s to being happy. To you future!
Your story is so powerful. Thank you for your bravery — then and now.
Your story brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing, thank you for being a strong woman, thank you for taking your moms advice and getting out of the situation you were in. It’s survivors like you that are going to help make a difference.
Happy Birthday!!!
Lisa (Judd) Blanchard
Happy Birthday, beautiful survivor
Happy Birthday.
I’m so glad that you were able to find the strength to go home. It breaks my heart that it took so long, but I am so, so happy that you got away from him. thank you for sharing your story.
Happy Birthday!
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry…
Happy Birthday. And welcome to the rest of your life. A life where you know you deserve better. A life free of fear, free of suffering, free of the shadows and ghosts and things that bump in the night.
Welcome to the life you should have had always. The life that everyone is entitled to.
And welcome to the company of those who will lift you up, hold you close, and always be there.
Much love.
You’re beautiful and you’re brave. Happy Birthday.
happy birthday to a tremendous survivor. thank you for sharing and inspiring.
I hope your amazing words here helped to release some of your pain; and inspire someone else to find her own release. Thank you for your courage. Happy Birthday.
Happy B-day. I’m so glad you left. One of the highest factors on the lethality assessment is prior strangulation. Your mom saved your life.
There are so many things that I want to ask, but you shared what you chose to share, and I am thankful for everything that you wrote. Congratulations on escaping and starting a new and better life. Happy birthday! I am glad that you escaped to have another birthday. I hope you have decades more of them, and that the portion of your life that you described here becomes nothing more than a footnote in a larger more vibrant story.
A very wise friend of mine once observed that if we do not correct the mistakes of our past we are bound to repeat them in the future. I hope that you have taken the opportunity to deal with the issues of your past so that you do not repeat any of the mistakes you made in the future.
Blessings to you.
prayers of healing and peace. I am glad you listened to your mom, but more so, that inner voice that let’s you know you did nothing to deserve this. You are brave. May this new year bring many blessings your way.
Yours is the first post that has brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m so glad your mom freed you. happy birthday, be strong.
I’m always astounded by the way beautiful language that can depict something so terrible. “I’m wearing a new necklace, the silver stark against his stained-glass hand prints.” God. This took my breath away. So very sorry that you went through this. And so happy that you got out, and that you have this beautiful language inside you, in spite of it all.
these are powerful words. thank you for sharing them with all of us, and happy birthday.
I’m glad your mom was there for you. I worry for my daughters and hope that I’m as sensitive and supportive of them or anyone else I might encounter in similar circumstances. I pray for the day when world peace starts at home.
I hope your birthday was blessed and that you have a wonderful year.
Tatiana, I don’t know what to say. You are beyond courageous.
Hello from Texas! I think that you are a very brave person! I had physical abuse from my step father from the time I was one year old, until I was sixteen years old. Thanks to him I have always been afraid of men, which does not make for good relationships as an adult. He used to get drunk and beat me, the last time he did that, I was sixteen. I told my mother, if he hits me again, I will pick up a brick or anything I can get my hands on and hit him in the head with it! I guess she told him, because he never tried it again. By then it was too late, I ran away from home three times as a teenager to get away from! I also got mixed up with guys that were abuser. You tend to go for guys that will abuse you if you have been abused. I am older and wiser now, I will never let anybody abuse me again! Thank you for listening to me! Janey from Texas
Good girl! Well done- for sharing, and for getting out.
Wishing you nothing but peace and happiness. Thank heaven you left him. You didn’t deserve that. Thanks for sharing.
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. No one deserves that. Especially you. You are special…you have a gift…a voice. It is wonderful of you to use it.
“I’ll never kill you. You aren’t worth going to jail for.”
That got me… No one should ever have to hear that. It’s so cold and malicious… Making death seem like a welcome option that one is not even worthy of… No one should ever have to hear that. I am truly happy for you and the healing you have achieved.
Happy Birthday sweet lady. You are courageous and brave to get out of there. Your description brought tears streaming down my cheeks as much for the words that he used, as for the hands that he hit and bullied with. You are a true survivor and are amazing. Never forget that. You will undoubtedly help countless others by writing your story.
Thank you
Love and strength and hope,
Tricia xox
I’m so glad that your are telling your story and no longer living it. You are so strong for walking away.
~ humps
Wow, just….wow. I am so amazed that you managed to get away from all that, and bless your mother for helping you out. I don’t know what else to say, other than that you should remind yourself every day of how strong you are, and how tough it is, day by day, just living with the past. I hope you can move forward successfully, and be truly happy
No one deserves to be treated that way, and it is just incredible to be able to help yourself when even other people looked the other way. You should be so proud of yourself.
“”The stench is a tall glass of spoiled milk he’s hidden in the cracked entertainment center. He pours it over me, from head to toe.”"
My jaw dropped while reading this.
“”“You’re so fucking ugly. I hate your nose. Wear this hat while you suck my cock so I don’t have to look down and see you.””
OHMYGOD!
I can understand why his mother and father never helped you..they raised this abuser!
I’m sorry, Tatiana.
I’m thankful you left him (?)
“I am your God, I will never leave you nor forsake you..” Hebrews 3:5
I hope you feel God blessing you.
Love,
Kat