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July 22, 2011 | domestic violence, survivor story

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A small whisper in my heart, urges me to face the light, to take out the shame and hurt and wounded-ness and to look at them for what they are, order CLARINEX from mexican pharmacy, knowing that this is the only path to healing.

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The me that is in there, the funny, loyal, CLARINEX description, loving, caring, passionate me, CLARINEX blogs, is all but invisible, yet it urges me to find it, it makes it’s presence known. It’s in the constant tightening of my chest and the feeling that I might not get air to breathe, if I don’t let it out of it's cage, CLARINEX trusted pharmacy reviews, release it from the prison that has kept me trapped all this time.

I always thought abuse was being hit, being physically attacked, being hurt on the outside, BUY CLARINEX NO PRESCRIPTION. I thought that the women who allowed people to do that to them should be able to walk away. But, CLARINEX forum, I am one of them too. I didn’t see it happening and I didn’t see the scars till much later. There are no scars on my body, and for that I am grateful, but the scars on my soul lie just as deep, buy CLARINEX no prescription. BUY CLARINEX NO PRESCRIPTION, The shame is even deeper.

What happened to me is much more insidious. It’s subtle. It doesn’t come at me with a fist, No prescription CLARINEX online, it comes at me with an onslaught to the soul, that renders me powerless and speechless and scared. It deprives me of my courage, it strips me of my self-esteem and it tears at my joy and happiness. There have times I’ve almost wished it had been a fist (sadly so) and not a comment, a put down, a belittlement, because then I’d know I must have done something to deserve it, BUY CLARINEX NO PRESCRIPTION.

It’s confused me, where can i buy cheapest CLARINEX online. It’s ambushed me at times when I thought I was strong. It’s crept up on me and wrapped it’s tentacles around my heart, holding me hostage in a parasitic grip. CLARINEX no rx, It’s made me question my mothering, my sanity and my goodness. BUY CLARINEX NO PRESCRIPTION, It’s stripped me naked emotionally and spiritually and made me feel worthless and useless, even when I knew deep inside that wasn’t true. I bought it. I believed it. I allowed it to happen, CLARINEX dangers, so it must have been me, something was defective in me that I couldn’t stop it happening.

Words are powerful things. They’ve ripped my heart to pieces, they’ve raged at me and make me shake with fear, BUY CLARINEX NO PRESCRIPTION. CLARINEX interactions, They’ve made me submissive when that’s not my nature, they’ve scarred me with a depth that I’m not ever sure will heal.

These words have taken on many different levels of meaning, but they all hurt deeply in places that no one can see. There was the stay at home mother, who did “nothing” and contributed “nothing” to our financial status, buy CLARINEX without prescription. There was the woman who when grappling with a deep and overwhelming postpartum depression was “a sick woman”, and “unstable person” and an “unfit mother”.There are the emails and texts where I hear over and over how worthless I really am as a woman, a mother, Buy cheap CLARINEX no rx, a person. Those words still make me flinch if I hear them or read them or encounter them anywhere. Those words hold a power that no words should hold over a human being. BUY CLARINEX NO PRESCRIPTION, There are the lies spread around like fertilizer about my heart, about my children, about my situation, about my part, about who I am. There are the punishments - the withholding of money or support when I challenged the way things were or tried to fight for what was mine. There are the lies that were told repeatedly, so repeatedly that I almost started to believe they were true. Almost. Lies that extended to, purchase CLARINEX online, and damaged my children as much as they damaged me, bit by bit, eroding away trust like an old battery that rusts and is rendered useless. CLARINEX class, There are my beautiful children, used as pawns to bully me into submission and to accept that I was not worthy of any kindness or empathy. The cold, hard meanness that was dispersed like the wind blows pollen, constant and ever being fertilized, what is CLARINEX. The strong, feisty child of mine, who stands up for herself and her brother and is now starting to pay a heavy price for her courage, BUY CLARINEX NO PRESCRIPTION.

There are the dreams, where I scream, where I frantically try to find my voice, Purchase CLARINEX for sale, but it has been muted, suppressed and the screams are silent. The fear of rocking the boat, the hours spent trying to fix a situation that my children were in, to plan activities that are distracting, real brand CLARINEX online, that don't leave them with too much time or energy to annoy him, in order to make it more bearable for them. The feeling that my once brave voice, Get CLARINEX, the voice that spoke out for countless others had been silenced forever.

Mostly, there is the guilt, the deep, ugly guilt that I have not spoken out, CLARINEX natural, stopped the cycle, helped myself up again, that I have been beaten down time and time again and although I am not beaten, Low dose CLARINEX, I feel depleted of any strength or courage. BUY CLARINEX NO PRESCRIPTION, Writing this is bringing me glimpses of the person I once was, the unfailing idealist, the believer in the good of all people, the one who would fix everything and everyone. Except that some people can’t be fixed and it was never my job to fix them. My job is to fix myself, to protect my children, to rise back up and put this subtle torture out into the light, examine it and see it clearly for what it is : manipulative, abusive, and emotionally life-threatening.

I can survive. I will survive. But I needed to spill my words along with my tears onto paper, into a safe place, where all those who have walked this path can embrace me and catch me before I sink any further into the abyss that my life has become, BUY CLARINEX NO PRESCRIPTION.

I have to dig deep, I have to find my roots so that I can one day blossom again and heal the scars and beliefs that are embedded into my psyche. I yearn to hold my head high, to live with the integrity and fearlessness that is a huge part of what makes up me. Believe that I, as much as any other human being, is entitled to be happy and fulfilled and that my children are equally entitled. I ask your help. BUY CLARINEX NO PRESCRIPTION, I need your strength. I don’t want to sit in the dark anymore. I’m not invisible. I am here, facing the sun, the warmth, the light, waiting for spring. I am breaking my silence.

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Sami

thank you so much i still havent been able to speak out and ur words have helped put courage in my heart. U are a strong beautiful woman. Ur garden is blooming darling. Sending all my love and support to u and ur children

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Words are so powerful; some words break us down to almost nothing. I say almost on purpose here. We can be wounded deeply but we are NEVER nothing.

Other words, our words here, lift us up. The poster's words and the repliers' words - they begin or help forward our healing process. The support and love and wishes and prayers for our fellow posters give us strength when we don't think we'll find it within ourselves.

Keep that in mind and hold onto it! Thinking of you and sending you support.

Angela

Reading your story hit home for me. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 6 miserable years and I just want you to know that you are not alone. You are a strong woman for being able to even talk about it. I hope that you are able to get out of that situation soon, if you have not already. If you ever need someone to talk to who can relate, feel free to email me.

Richard

Tricia, your voice can only be held in check for so long. Eventually, it has to be let out. Rediscovering your voice and releasing it is the first step toward recovery: finding the you that has been buried so deeply and for so long. Congratulations on finding that voice. Thank you for sharing it here. Keep pursuing your recovery.

Frelle

You are so brave, and you write so beautifully.

I understand these feelings.
I know this abuse.
I know how insidious it is and how it kills your soul.

I am in a place where I dont want to be silent any more either. You are not alone, and I want you to know that Im really, truly, right with you. I still live with my abuser, though after a court date soon, that will finally come to an end. Please get in touch with me @ frelle or jfarelyn at gmail dot com) if you want to talk, and I would be willing to tell you my story, too. I'm sending endurance and comfort to you, as well as wisdom and strength.

Cathleen

You are very brave. Thank you for sharing your story.

Forgotten

You are not alone. You don't have to be alone. Reach for others, we are here and we will support you. Those of us out here who have been where you are, we understand and we want to show you that it gets better. Reach out for those around you that will help you. There are people out there who love you more than life itself and they will do whatever they can to help you. Let them in. Let them know what's going on. Get out of the abuse. Please?

Jennifer

Trisha, I know how this feels, and I am SO glad you found the words to say all of this. I promise you this: You CAN get through this. You DO have the strength. You don't have to have it all at once, but you do have it. I am sending strength from here.

I have done what you will do. Even your worst day after you leave will be better than how you feel now. That's the thing that's hard to see, but it's the thing that will continue to give you the strength to go forward.

And all of us are behind you. Believe that.

Jess

This is beautifully written. Good for you on speaking out, and I hope you get out of that situation so very soon. I know what it's like.

Lots of love and hope.

Sara

Tricia, you are strong - your strength shows in the words you have written. The person you used to be, the person inside you clearly is searching for help. Start here: http://dahmw.org/ Find the local organization in your area. Talk with them, develop a plan. When you are ready, that strength will shine through. You can go to a secure shelter with your children. Stay there until you get your feet under you. You'll have access to services and support both emotionally and financially. Someday that person inside of you will find her way back out and see the sunshine again. She'll be the strong independent woman you remember. She'll take care of her children and find a way to pay the bills, and she will never let anyone use words to hurt her again. This post is just the first step in the journey. That journey will take you out of the fear you live in today and lead you to a much better place. Use the strength you have to take the next step. It's not your fault, let go of the guilt and remember you are a good person and you deserve happiness, and you can make it happen.

karen

you are not alone, you are worth it, you are a great mom

My Inner Chick

-----Tricia,
You have strength.
You are not in the dark anymore.
You are not invisible.
You are here, facing the sun, the warmth, the light, waiting for spring.
You are breaking your silence.
and we HEAR YOU. We HEAR YOU.
---as I read this, I swear, it was like reading my sister's story. So much. She was used up. He broke her soul.
He ffinally killed her last May.
My heart is shattered. Our lives are changed forever....
But you ARE ALIVE.....SCREAMING your story.
NEVER STOP. Never Stop.
Love Love Love,
Kim.

Kristi

Emotional abuse lasts longer and is more painful than physical abuse. But the great thing is that hope will keep you going. Hope for your children. Hope that you can be yourself again. Keep writing. Find a therapist who deals with domestic violence. Look into EMDR. You haven't lost the person you were. I can see you all over this story. And you are a beautiful person who deserves to be happy and free!

Brenda

I have always been a believer of the undeniable strenth that words carry. Whether they are used to break someone down or build someone up. I hope the love and understanding that comes from our comments, helps to fertilize your roots, and we help you become the beautiful bloom you were meant to be! Reach for the sun and know that rain doesn't only bring clouds, it brings nourishment and growth also.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. - Eleanor Roosevelt

MaggieGinsbergSchutz

RT @BloggerBody: New at @VUnSilenced Tricia http://t.co/jIP2EjA

Violence UnSilenced

Natalie

I read this and cried tears of recognition....no, you are NOT alone and YES you are HERE and deserve to feel the sun and the air. We all do. Every last one of us. No one has the right to take that away. No one.

Take a deep breath, put on foot on the roots you have established, find the cracks where you can grab hold....and fight to a better place. You can do this, you are strong and your happiness/peace of mind/safety is worth everything.

We are here, supporting you, cheering you on and listening, for when you need it. Lots of love, empathy and encouragement.

Mikz Perez

Please support Tricia today on Violence UnSilenced: http://violenceunsilenced.com/tricia/

Words cut. You are bleeding. I hope the telling and the comfort of support bring healing. Thinking of you on your journey.

Pippi

Sometimes the best thing you can do is just remember that silly old saying about sticks and stones. Yes, the opinions of others seem to matter, and sometimes actually do; but not as much as keeping yourself and your children out of that quicksand where the cruel words just suck you down further. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just try to keep tunnel vision until you reach the other side.

Laura

You're right. You can and will survive. Sending love and hugs to you and your kids.

Laurel Hounslow

Abuse and Violence isn't always physical... Know this. Read this. A brave woman's story on Violence UnSilenced: http://bit.ly/mZFTaP

Leigh-Anne

Jenn Jacura

Please show some love to my friend Tricia today. She bravely posted her story on Violence UnSilenced: http://bit.ly/mZFTaP

BloggerBodyCalendar

New at @VUnSilenced Tricia http://ow.ly/1dVzFd

RT @VUnSilenced: Please support Tricia today on Violence UnSilenced: http://violenceunsilenced.com/tricia/

Dijea

Isabelle

I understand exactly how you feel. Living like this is truly a nightmare and no one deserves it. It's not your fault, and what he's doing not okay. I too, wished at one point he would hit me, so I'd have a 'good' reason to leave. But then he did, and I did not leave. It's so complicated. Two things made the difference for me. 1) A particulary violent incident that endangered the kids and 2) Having to apologize, for the one thousandth time, when I had done nothing wrong, just so I could come home and protect my children. I was done and filed for divorce three days later. Keep strong and know that you deserve better, you deserve peace and so do your children. As I was going through the process of leaving him, I sometimes would hear in my head a phrase from a children's book. "I will be King, I can do this thing!" YOU can do this thing.

PrincessJenn

My darling friend,
It's not just that the outside world sees you as strong. You ARE strong. If you weren't you wouldn't have taken the brave steps you did to change your life for the better. It took immeasurable strength to move forward from that. And make no mistake, you have moved forward.

We have watched you grow and stand taller, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year.

And yet, you still look in the mirror and see yourself through the lenses he has put over your eyes.

See yourself as we KNOW you are. A formidable mother, an inspiring teacher, and selfless friend, a passionate woman. You are all of this and more. So much, much more than he could ever take from you.

Because you are you, and we love you. And he can never change that.

Jay

As someone who once went through an emotionally abusive relationship, I just want to affirm your story, and the knowledge that words hurt, and emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. What you have endured (are still enduring?) is horrible, and no one should ever have to go through that. You are strong and courageous, and you'll get through this.

jen

You can get past this and become the woman you know you are deep down inside. I have done it. It's not easy. You have to fight the little negative voices that you've believed for so long. The harder you fight them and believe the good, the more they will fade away until they are just an occasional whisper that surfaces now and then. You are good, you are strong, you are intelligent, you have the support of thousands of women who hear you and affirm you. Believe it, embrace it, hold onto it. xo

So many words are like shards of glass. They seem to sparkle and shine, even glitter in the light. But when you grab them and hold them close, they cut you to the core. They are not yours. You didn't even break the glass. You don't deserve the cuts they inflicted on you.
Other words can be a healing salve. Those are the ones that are yours. They come from inside you.

Cyndi

Tricia, thank you for putting words to what I have been unable to say aloud. I struggle with you, as I look for ways to forgive myself

Sunny

Words -are- powerful things, and the ones you have written here are SO powerful, and SO brave. My heart aches for you to find your worth, because anyone who can write like this is amazing in my book.

Jan

Tricia, you're absolutely right that words hurt, scar, damage. I'm sorry you've gone through that kind of pain.

I can't tell from your words here whether this situation is past or present, but either way, I wish you all kinds of strength and support to get where you need to be. You *can* get that girl back; the one you want to be.

Blessings on you and your children.

Danielle

Trisha you are so brave! I am holding you and your children close. You don't have to suffer in silence alone any longer! I hope you are in a safe place now. Know I hear you and see the real You.I'll scream for you when your voice seems to small. Try to remember words heal too.
All my love,
Danielle

Angi

Good for you! Words do hurt. It's hard to heal the wounds that words leave behind. But you are enough. Just remember that every day. Sending you more warmth, and light and love.