Vanessa
The last thing that any parent ever wants to think or worry about is their child being sexually abused by anyone. I was a victim of sexual molestation that started at the age of six. My abuser was a man my mother had partnered up and subsequently had a child with. Now, most people are often confused about what is considered child sexual abuse because some think that if you were not raped then your case is not serious. Here is the answer: ANY form of a violation to one’s body, including genital fondling, is considered ‘Child Sexual Abuse.’ It is NOT limited to penetration.
My case of molestation included the abuser coming into my bedroom in the late hours of the night, usually after he had engaged in a significant amount of snorting cocaine (he was a drug dealer). He would then sneak into my bed and I was always awoken by him fondling my genital area and telling me that if I told ANYONE, the Devil would come get me and do very bad things to me. I suffered from bed-wetting until I was eleven years of age. I was always afraid to get up and go to the bathroom at night in order to avoid stirring his attention.
The very first incident of my sexual abuse occurred after my mother had given birth to my younger sister. He would always strike when my mother was asleep and probably exhausted from caring for a newborn. That day he called me to the back room (the only bedroom) in our small dark apartment. My mother had fallen asleep with my sister on the couch. The bedroom door was ajar and he was standing behind the door peeking his head out to one side asking me to walk in. He was standing behind the door with his jeans and underwear down to his knees. When I came around the door and saw what he was doing I was stunned and paralyzed with fear, not being able to utter a single word. Being six years old, my height was directly in front of his genital area and I remember the sour stench of his private area. He wanted me to touch his penis and all I remember doing was shaking my head answering ‘no’ and wanting to squint my little eyes from seeing the terrible sight of his nakedness. I was afraid, confused and wanting my mother to wake up and save me. That incident passed and I never told her because I was afraid of her not believing me.
For the next five years, just about every single night, my bedroom was invaded by a sexual predator that I was forced to call ‘Papi’ (Spanish for daddy). I was forced to obey his orders and never talk back because he’d threaten to flush me down the toilet or burn my fingers on the stove. He once turned the stove burners on high, they were bright orange, and placed my hand so close to the heat I was afraid that I would never be able to use my hands again. This was his way of ‘keeping me in line’, something I never understood. His mode of discipline included a cruel and often tormenting style that would leave any child completely dumbstruck. The worst part for me was that I knew that he was NOT my biological father.
How terrible, huh?! Why would a six year old be afraid of telling the truth? This happens all the time and it’s a terrible tactic that the abuser will use to control the child in their sick addiction. My mother never realized what was occurring right in her home. I’ve gone through my moments of anger toward her and how she was not completely attuned to my needs and issues. It has taken me many years to process and know that my mother would have NEVER have allowed for me to be hurt in such a way had she’d been privy to the reality of my nightmare. As a child, I was often a recluse in school. I’d shy away from adults and I’d never talk about how I felt, never mind sharing my fear of the bad man that terrorized me when the moon was out and the house was silent.
Many years later I would find out that mother too had her own set of traumas and issues that did not (and have not) allowed her to escape the confines of her own turmoil. It would not be until my mother was in her early fifties that she would finally confess to me that she too was sexually abused by her older brother when she was ten years of age. He would threaten her with sayings like, “If you tell daddy, I’ll kill you, Bitch.” She would cry and fear for her life as he tried to make her give him oral sex. It’s a vicious cycle that continues until one person takes a stand and says ‘enough is enough,’ this cannot continue.
It took me four years after the abuse had stopped for me to come forward and confess to my mother what had been done to me. It was the Summer of 1992. My abuser had been incarcerated for dealing drugs in the Spring of 1988. Although his jail time was due to drug dealing, I thank his incarceration for freeing me from his prowess as a sexual predator. I mustered up the courage to share my fear and shame with my mother because I knew he was locked up. The day I told her, I stumbled upon every single word that was uttered from my mouth until it all spilled out of me like a toxic fume under pressure. I was about to implode from the angst and the years of fear that were seared in my mind, body and soul. Upon learning of my story, my mother exhibited rage and sadness and hatred and a brief moment of denial because she could not swallow the idea of her daughter being harmed in such a way. It was a terrible and liberating day for me.
Today I choose to be open and candid about my experience with childhood sexual abuse. I’ve suffered the pains of depression, shame and anger for what happened to me. It is NEVER the child’s fault and the predator will do everything in his sick power to make that child believe that they have done something wrong because they are full of sick shame. The very act of talking and sharing my story with all of you helps me to cope with that negative episode in my early life. I am and will continue to be a VOICE and a SAFE HARBOR for anyone who needs support, a compassionate ear, an open heart and a mission to keep the shame and guilt OUT of this horrid experience. My journey to healing my wounds begins with my story and my desire to let this outrage be known to ALL. It is real, it happens and NO CHILD should ever be second guessed when it relates to ANY form of abuse, especially ‘sexual abuse.’ VOICE your story and STOP the vicious cycle!
I will not stay quiet. I will not give up this fight. I will not allow for another loved one to be violated so long as I have a VOICE. I will not tolerate the SILENCE. I am a Woman, Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Niece and Friend and I WILL NOT SHUT UP on this issue.
Openly,
Vanessa
I will close with one of my favorite quotes by Carl G. Jung:
“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
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Vanessa writes at Mama Scribble.
Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
Comments
My heart goes out to you and I am so proud of you. As a mother of a daughter who was sexually abused at age 5, you have truly touched my heart. Parents, listen to your children. They are innocents and would not make this up. Children and older survivors of CSA, please, please, please - find someone to tell. The quote from Jung is perfection and I am going to post it in my home. thank you for sharing your story.
Enough, is definitely enough! Vanessa, I'm so glad you've broken free from the abuse, you are breaking the cycle, you are healing, and helping others heal. Thank you for speaking out!
Bravo, Vanessa! thank you for standing up and speaking out.
“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
I love this so much. I am so sorry you endured what you did, but I am so grateful you chose to share your story with us. Thank you for not being silent.
i'm so sorry for all you had to endure, but so proud of who you choose to become.
Right on! i am so sorry for all you endured, but I am so amazed and thrilled that you have had such clarity to keep the poison of abuse from lingering within you. You are so right that it must come OUT and be TOLD for us all to know how prevalent it is, and for us all to welcome those who have been abused with open arms and love and admiration. You are amazing!
Vanessa, you are amazing! I am so sorry for what you went through; no little girl should have to face that. You have shown here that you are not what happened to you but are choosing who you've become, and it's wonderful.
Thank you so much for sharing your story here, and for your courage and strength in refusing to stay quiet. Your voice matters!
Such a great post! No one is entitled to tell you, 'No, that wasn't abuse,' because you're the only one who knows what it did to you and how it felt. Nobody, nobody, nobody gets to judge. I'm so sorry for what happened. It's so terribly sad that your mom would have helped you if she'd known. That isn't always the case. That's the way it was for me as well. I'm so glad that evil bastard was removed from your life but I really wish it'd happened sooner. You have a strong, clear, beautiful voice and I'm glad you're able to use it this way. You rock.
Thank you so much for you openness, Vanessa. It is incredible what sharing our stories can do not only for us but for those who are still silent.
i used to struggle with the idea, too, that since i wasn't "penetrated" that my sexual abuse was somehow inconsequential. oh, the things we tell ourselves. i'm so glad you were liberated. and i guarantee this story helped someone. someone who needs validation that what they went through is not their fault. thank you so much for sharing.
Vanessa your strength is admirable. I understand where you are coming from, Thank you for taking the time to share. Each time I hear the stories of abuse, it breaks my heart. Though it also gives me the strength to keep fighting for my sons freedom of abuse! Thank You
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