Wednesday Q&A: How can I help my emotionally abused friend?
QUESTION:
I have a friend who is in an emotionally abusive situation with her husband of about five years. About four years ago, there was an isolated physically abusive incident, but since then, she is adamant that it has not escalated that far again. He didn’t hit her in that situation, but in that incident he threw a lamp at her. She has expressed that she wants to leave, but that she is scared to make that decision. She also is hoping things get better. Right now, she is living day by day. From my perspective, she is walking on eggshells in order to avoid screaming matches. All of her actions are to prevent him from getting angry with her. When he gets angry, it is always irrational and over something that could be discussed rather than argued about, and things that she cannot always control. He calls her names, he makes her feel worthless, he refuses to have sex with her (and that is something that has been an issue since day one of their marriage), he degrades the way she looks, etc.
My question is, although this situation isn’t necessarily physical, are the rules still the same as far as intervention from friends? Previously, on another Q&A, a mother of a physically abused woman was encouraged not to demand that her daughter leave and was given pointers on how to her her feel safer. In the situation of my friend, what do we do? We have a group of supportive friends that would be willing to get her out, but we know that it is her choice to make. We want to help in any way that we can, we just don’t know where the line is. Help!!
ANSWER:
Your friend is lucky to have you. And you’re right: If and when she leaves is a decision she needs to make for herself.
Many of the same “rules” still apply — leaving any abusive relationship (whether it is physical or emotional) in a way that is safe requires an often-overwhelming amount of planning and resources. Encouraging your friend to “just leave” can be dangerous to her safety. In addition, if she isn’t ready to leave, she may interpret your encouragement as yet another demand, another judgment, another way in which she fails to measure up to the expectations from those around her. And she’ll pull away.
Survivors who’ve experienced both physical and emotional violence often say later that the emotional injuries were more difficult to deal with and took far longer to heal. Emotional abuse can erode your sense of self, can make you doubt your own instincts, can make you believe your partner when he tells you that you’re worthless. Emotional abuse, over time, can cause you to believe you deserve it.
Right now, your friend needs your unconditional listening and your nonjudgmental friendship. Your circle of friends can work together to create a safe, supportive space. If she comes to you to talk about what’s happening at home, listen. And tell her that you love her. That she deserves to be loved. That love should not cause pain or fear. That the abuse is not her fault.
If she actively wants to leave but isn’t sure how to make that happen safely, you can suggest she call a domestic violence help line. But let her make the call when she’s ready. And if you’ve already offered this suggestion, there is no need to offer it again. Most likely she remembers. It can take a lot of guts to make that first call to a crisis line. It’s hard and scary. It’s admitting, sometimes for the first time, that this problem exists, that it’s dangerous, and that it isn’t something she can make better on her own.
Don’t give up. She needs you. Your friendship offers the steady notion that someone loves her and believes in her and wants the hurt to stop. This quiet reminder may help her realize she doesn’t deserve it after all.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. Most recently, she has worked for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
4 Responses to “Wednesday Q&A: How can I help my emotionally abused friend?”
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It’s hard to resist the temptation to … over-help? The hardest part of having friends in abusive situations is giving them space and support at the same time. It’s a balancing act that can honestly be exhausting. And I’ve sometimes had a hard time determining if the people I’ve known in these situations are actually serious about leaving or simply trying to meet some other need. And the only thing I’ve ever been able to come up with is “I’m here when you need me, but I can’t do it for you.”
I hope your friend manages to find a safe way out before things escalate further. And I’m glad she’s got people around her who care about her and will build her up rather than tear her down.
Thank you so very much for posting this. You have no idea how much I have been thinking about this lately, for someone.
Everything in the answer is the only way any of this will work. I was that “friend” and it took me a very long time to leave – but the entire time I had the support of my close friends and my daughter – they reminded me of what a good person I was and that whenever I was ready, they would be there to help me. The mental abuse and brain washing are difficult obstacles to overcome and leave – no one likes to think they have failed in the marriage – and unfortunately that is the impression the abuser gives – that somehow we, the actual victim, is the one who failed. She needs your love and encouraging words to remember she has failed no one. When she’s ready, she will leave and then you can hold her hand in her walk toward a new beginning.
I live this, from the inside. And while right now I’m ready to take that step… being pushed into it just makes me feel worse. Because like Carrie said, it’s one more way I’m failing, one more time I don’t measure up. And as helpful as it’s meant to be, it reinforces what I’ve come to believe – that I AM worthless, and that I AM incapable of doing anything right.
Just be there… that’s what she (and I) need the most.