Wednesday Q&A: How Can I Help My Kids Avoid Abuse?
QUESTION:
After reading last week’s question [from a mother struggling to help her daughter cope with an abusive relationship], I started thinking about my own children, and I started feeling anxious. I have two daughters, 10 and 13. My oldest daughter is definitely interested in dating, although we don’t allow her yet. I have read the statistics and I know that if something bad happens to them, it most likely will happen at the hands of someone they know. I want to send them out into the world as safe as possible. Is there anything I can do now, as their parent, to keep them from being abused when they grow up?
ANSWER:
Thank you for this question! A crucial part of ending domestic abuse and sexual assault is through sustained prevention efforts starting when kids are young.
According to recent national studies, alarming numbers of teens and tweens experience dating violence themselves or witness it among friends. Yet less than 25% of teens say they’ve discussed dating violence with their parents. It’s critical that adults become more involved in this part of our children’s lives.
Unfortunately, there is no guaranteed protection against abuse. However, we can reduce our children’s risk of being abused by teaching them to recognize the warning signs, and by helping them learn to respect their own personal boundaries and the boundaries of others.
As a parent (or any adult who participates in the life of a child, as a teacher, relative, neighbor or friend), you are in a powerful position to influence your child’s future choices about relationships.
Here are a few things you can do:
Model healthy relationships. How do you interact with other adults in your child’s life? Your actions and choices heavily influence your child’s expectations about what relationships should look like. Actively model positive conflict resolution, how to negotiate decisions in a respectful way, and how to respect other people’s needs and feelings.
Talk about gender equity. Kids today are still inundated with messages about what it means to be a girl and what it means to be a boy. Ask them to talk about how these messages affect their choices, how they see themselves and others, and how they think about their place in the world. Communicate to them regularly, through conversation as well as your own actions, that no one is inferior or less valuable as a result of their gender, and that no one deserves more power and control as a result of their gender.
Talk about relationships. What are signs of healthy relationships? What are signs of unhealthy relationships? What are fair expectations between partners? What expectations and behaviors cross the line? What can they do to help a friend who might be experiencing an abusive dating relationship?
Talk about their relationships. When your daughters start dating, invite their partners to spend time at your house with your family. Check in with your daughters about their relationships, in open, nonjudgmental ways: What do they enjoy doing together? Do they ever feel frustrated? What makes them happy? Help them put words to what makes them feel happy, vs. what makes them feel unhappy or unsafe.
Consider everything a “teaching moment.” These messages shouldn’t be add-ons to regular family life — instead, find ways to weave them into everyday situations. Point out examples of positive conflict resolution, healthy (or unhealthy) relationships, respect, equality, feeling safe, etc. When these issues appear in the current events that capture your kids’ attention — such as when Chris Brown and Rihanna made headlines — ask for your kids’ opinions and talk about how these issues affect their lives.
Explore your resources. The following websites offer helpful information and interactive tools for parents, kids and teens:
And remember! It’s important to do this work with girls AND with boys. Encourage your friends to have these conversations with their sons and daughters, too.
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Each Wednesday we feature a Q&A with an expert. This column is not legal advice, nor is it intended to take the place of legal advice, professional counseling, crisis intervention, or safety planning. For legal or emotional support or for safety planning specific to your situation, please access help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline, the National Sexual Assault Hotline, or from a domestic violence or sexual assault agency near you. This column is intended for educational purposes only.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
5 Responses to “Wednesday Q&A: How Can I Help My Kids Avoid Abuse?”
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Excellent question — and answer. I was especially happy to hear the words “non-judgmental” and “open”. Everyone knows that these are important properties of effective communication with your kids, but in times of crisis — or worry, or anger or whatever — we forget. This is something I firmly believe can’t be stressed too much. Teenagers are always going to be recalcitrant. It’s in the job description. But if you want them to clam up entirely, then pass judgment on them, their friends, their significant others. They’ll shut you off so completely you’ll think they’ve been taken by the body snatchers. And they’ll do it right now.
Yes, we still have to be the adults in the equation, and yes there are going to be times when “this is not a democracy” still applies. But if they know there’s at least a chance you’ll listen to them without throwing a snit over some dumb teenager thing they’ve done, they’re a lot more likely to talk to you when it counts. When they need it the most, and hopefully before there’s a problem.
Thanks Carrie, as always, for the insight and the expertise. And thanks to the writer for bringing such an important question to the table!
This is invaluable ~ thank you!
Thank you Maggie and Carrie for these Q & A posts. I don’t have any kids but I have a 3-year old niece and a 14-year old nephew whom I adore and I worry about how they’re going to fare in the world, almost as much as if they were my kids.
Thank you for asking that question. I have a two year old daughter and a four year old son. I was sexually abused by a family friends brother when I was four and am terrified of not being able to protect my children from situations like this.
A lot of people really don’t know how often sexual and physical abuse occurs in teen relationships. It’s scary but all the more reason to talk to kids and teens about the warning signs. I wish someone had talked to me more about sexual abuse.