Comments on: Wednesday Q&A: Is it rape if I was drunk?

By: Angela

Angela — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 22:33:19 +0000

I was sexually assaulted by a friend of a friend at my own birthday celebration last weekend. I was very drunk and went to lay down in her guest room only to wake up for a brief moment to find some one having sex with me. Then I woke up in the morning and my friends boyfriends’ brother was laying next to me fully clothed and on th floor there was a pile of clothes which belonged to the guy I was seeing. Something very horrible happened in that room and I only remember bits and pieces but I do know that I did not invite anyone in that room except the guy I was dating. Like i said I don’t remember what happened but I when I woke up I just felt like something was wrong. I began screaming, crying and hyperventalting. Now the 5 people, my supposed friends, who where there when it happened have all truned on me and said that it was my fault for getting too drunk. I never came on to any of these men, drunk or sober and I certianly did not consent to having sex with the man or men who raped me.
Thank you so much for this article I have been feeling so guilty and even began to question whether I had been raped or not. In the pit of my stomach I know I was raped and I know I was right to report it. Just because I was very drunk doesnt give a man the right to rape me.

By: Be

Be — Tue, 04 May 2010 23:34:40 +0000

This Very Same Thing Happen to me, it was my first time, but what i remember is him dragging me onto the bed

By: Jessica

Jessica — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 23:40:33 +0000

The issue I see with the question that was asked, is that she never mentions weather or not she gave consent. She even admits to not remembering much of anything. So if she did say yes while she was intoxicated then would it still be rape? Now I have heard of a other incidence where both parties involved where very intoxicated and neither could remember much of what had happened. To make a long story short, the man was charged for rape. In a case like that shouldn’t they both be charged since both the woman and the man were equally responsible?

By: Sophie

Sophie — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 22:48:44 +0000

I had something similar happen to me last year. I am a sophomore in college and had never drank before college last year. I went to a party with some of my friends and got really drunk really fast. I don’t remember much at all from that night except my friend telling me to kiss this guy. I had met him before but did not know him well at all. I do not remember anything else after this point except little flashes here and there. The next thing I vagually remember was playing what must have been stip poker in the living room of my apartment. My roommate had gone to bed and I was alone with the guy I had been kissing and one of my best guy friends naked. I sort of remember each of them taking turns kissing me or taking me into the bathroom. And in the morning I woke up in bed with the guy I had been kissing and my other guy friend was gone. The guy left and I got sick. I wanted to believe we didnt have sex. I was a virgin and planned to be until I was married. But by the way I hurt and other signs my more experienced roommate assured me we did. I have not told anyone about this and I have not talked to either guy about what happened. Was I raped? Should I tell anyone? It has really been bothering me. I feel violated and scared.

By: Z : Violence UnSilenced

Z : Violence UnSilenced — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 17:03:12 +0000

[...] night, I read something that Carrie wrote on Violence UnSilenced, and a question that I’d considered emailing her about was answered for me. But before all that, [...]

By: flutter

flutter — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 02:35:38 +0000

if there is no consent, it is rape. Period.

By: shivers

shivers — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 05:09:12 +0000

It’s rape, no ifs buts or what about it. The rape laws in a state of Australia were changed recently. No longer is the onus on the victim to prove that it was consensual but now it is up to the perpetrator to prove that consent was given. This takes the responsibility off the person who was raped and puts it where it belongs, with the person who believes they’re on a “lucky streak” and just taking whatever they damn well please, regardless. Just because a young girl is drunk and out of it, does not mean she’s giving her body away to whoever decides to take what they want. This type of rape is extremely common. It is alarming that when women get older and throughout their lives they have shared stories with each other, that some realise they have no female friends or acquaintances at all that have NOT been subject to some form of sexual assault or rape in their life times. Recent disclosure from a friend revealed that she was repeatedly raped by a teenage neighbour at the age of 6.

By: Rachael

Rachael — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 20:04:08 +0000

I hate that women are not taught enough that they own their bodies, and shouldn’t have to do what they don’t want to no matter what. I hate that this question still gets asked so often. Thanks for featuring it.

By: Lex ~ @laprimera

Lex ~ @laprimera — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 19:59:44 +0000

Something similar happened to me in college. I went to a frat party and had the “party punch.” I don’t know what was in the punch. But it affected me much faster and more potent than any “punch” I’d had before. The thing is, I was with a guy that I had been dating. And with my friends. And when I’m drunk, I become more affectionate. So when we dropped off my friend at her dorm, she had no idea that I would be in any danger of something happening that I didn’t want to. Because I was seeing the guy after all. We were almost a “couple.”

We went back to his dorm room. I don’t recall much of what and how it happened. I knew that when I was fully aware, I realized that we had “done it.” And I was upset about it. Because had I been aware, I wouldn’t have consented. I was starting to have doubts about the guy and was not ready to sleep with him at all.

And I was angry. But I didn’t take it out on him. Because I had vague recollections of my stupor telling him that I wanted him. And making him go get a condom. So my drunken must have consented, I deduced.

And I felt guilty. For leading him on. I eventually sabatoged the relationship because I never let go of the anger or guilt.

And he probably never understood that he took advantage of me. Was it rape? I don’t know. But it felt like it was.

By: Mojo

Mojo — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 19:15:40 +0000

What an excellent question! So many victims already "protect" their abusers -- even without the introduction of alcohol/drugs into the equation. One of VU's recent contributors said in her story that she spent years telling herself and anyone else that asked that "she'd wanted it to happen". All because she was humiliated and ashamed of something not her fault. And if I recall correctly, there was no alcohol involved in that case (check me on this one Maggie, I could be mistaken). The reason that even consensual sex with a minor or a person of impaired mental ability is considered rape in most states is that the victim is not capable of giving informed consent. So the fact that you were intoxicated, in all likelihood, impaired your judgment to a point that your ability to consent was compromised. His intoxication is immaterial. Whether his judgment was impaired or not -- let's assume it was -- nobody slipped the booze to him without his knowledge. Nobody put a gun to his head and forced him to consume it. Nobody poured it down his throat against his will. It's important to understand one critical fact about alcohol. Alcohol does not "make you do things". Alcohol does act as a disinhibitor, it turns off the normal "behavioral filters" that keep us within the boundaries of acceptable behavior. But that is all it does. And following that reasoning to its logical conclusion, what getting drunk did for him was remove the ethical obstacle from something he wanted to do in the first place. In his mind, it became "okay" to force himself on you, even if it was for just that moment, even if it was something you'd never have expected from him. Whether to prefer charges against him or not is up to you. I'm not a legal expert, but I'd say you'd have a good case. Better in some states than others, but you'd probably have a case in any state. But whether you ask the court to hold him accountable or not, you need to hold him accountable. Or if nothing else, you need to not hold yourself accountable. Because Carrie's right, No.Means.No. Under any circumstances. And if you gain nothing else from this post, I hope you'll take that much away with you and believe it. It wasn't your fault. thank you for asking a question that I know has been silently asked in the minds of thousands upon thousands of others before. And thank you Carrie, for offering such a sound and definitive answer to that question.