Wednesday Q&A: Is my boyfriend’s jealousy abuse?
QUESTION:
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. I am 19. We started dating when I was a junior in high school and he was a sophomore in college. Now I am about to start college at a school three hours away. We love each other and decided to make our relationship work, even though it will be long distance. I moved to college three weeks ago for a summer orientation program. I am living in a co-ed dorm with 50 other students. I am shy, but I have made some friends in my hall, which makes me feel much less nervous about starting classes in a few weeks. My boyfriend and I talk every night. I thought he would be happy for me, because it usually takes me a while to come out of my shell. But he has gotten really angry. He accuses me of cheating on him, and always asks if there are guys in my room. He tells me that I never loved him and wants to know whether I cheated on him before I moved away. I have never given him any reason to feel this way (and honestly never cheated). My roommate overheard our conversation a couple of nights ago and asked what was going on. She told me that jealousy and control are signs of abuse. My boyfriend has never tried to hurt me, but he gets very jealous when guys look at me, and he always likes to do things for me that I would rather do for myself. These things never really bothered me until now, but I’m wondering are those warning signs, too? Now he is telling me I should transfer to his school even though it doesn’t offer my degree program. He said that he doesn’t think he can handle a long-distance relationship, that he’s not sure he can trust me being so far away, and says if I don’t come back he will hurt himself. I don’t know what to do.
ANSWER:
You deserve to feel safe and trusted in your relationship; you deserve to feel completely yourself when you are with your partner. Your relationship should be a place where you feel celebrated for being you. You deserve this.
When a relationship undergoes a major change (like one partner moving away or changing careers, for example), it can be natural for one or both partners to need a little reassurance that the basic parameters of the relationship haven’t changed, and that they can continue relying on the relationship for support. However, the situation you are describing is very, very different.
Your boyfriend’s behavior raises serious red flags. The roommate is right: Control and jealousy are two huge warning signs of dating violence and emotional abuse. It sounds like your boyfriend may regularly engage in controlling behaviors, and he has certainly exhibited unwarranted jealousy. In addition, he is threatening to harm himself as a way of manipulating you into doing what he wants. The use of threats – to your safety, the safety of others, or to himself – is another classic warning sign. These behaviors can escalate into more severe forms of abuse if left unchecked — including physical violence.
It sounds like your instincts are telling you that your boyfriend’s behavior is unhealthy and potentially dangerous. Your top priority should be keeping yourself safe. The following steps can help:
First, you can learn more about dating abuse. Here are a few places to start:
Second, you can consider talking with someone at your campus counseling center. Typically these services are free of charge and connect you with a trained professional who can help you identify ways to navigate your relationship safely and talk through your options. If your campus does not have a counseling center, you can call the National Teen Dating Violence Hotline at 1-866-331-9474 for support, information and problem-solving.
Third, you can continue building those friendships at school. Having a strong support system is a critical piece of any safety plan. Speaking of, you can learn more about safety planning, in the event your boyfriend’s abusive behaviors escalate or you continue to feel unsafe and uncertain.
Fourth, if you are sincerely worried your boyfriend may hurt himself, and if you feel comfortable doing so, you can share with him the phone number to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Fifth, and perhaps most importantly, if in the future you decide to break up with your boyfriend, make sure you put your safety first:
- If you’re in person, break up with your boyfriend in a public place.
- Tell other people in advance that you plan to break up with him. Let them know where you’ll be.
- Arrange to call a friend, family member or counselor after you talk with your boyfriend so you can debrief what happened.
And remember, you are not alone. Please consider talking with a trusted friend or another adult. You do not need to go through this by yourself.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
10 Responses to “Wednesday Q&A: Is my boyfriend’s jealousy abuse?”
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It’s been my experience that jealousy is often a manifestation of one’s own behavior- the biggest cheaters are often very jealous and controlling. If nothing else, there’s that to consider.
But it sure sounds like a verbally abusive boyfriend I had.
I think this Q & A section is such a great idea. It may not be quite so raw or intense as the survivor stories but it’s just as important. Thank you so much, Maggie & Carrie.
I’d say your instincts — and your roommates — are bang-on. Every survivor who’s posted here has described this kind of behavior. Cutting the victim off from her friends and family or anyone that might help her to see what’s happening, doing things for her that she can and would rather do herself — taking away even that little bit of independence. Eventually, the abuser has the victim totally dependent on him for everything. He controls the money, the timetable, every minute detail of their lives.
I am so glad to hear you raising these questions now rather than waiting until the situation escalates to something damaging. And really glad that your roommate decided to “butt in”. Whether you realize it or not, you have a good friend there. One who’s willing to risk making you angry with her to tell you what you need to hear. That’s all too rare.
Thank you so much for raising this question. So many of the stories here have their beginnings on college campuses. Raising awareness is critical to curing the problem, and there’s no better place to do that than at the source.
I’d only add one underscore to a point Carrie made. You obviously care about this guy, and as such you don’t want to see anything happen to him. that’s admirable and good. But do not put his well-being above your own. He’s an adult, and needs to be responsible for himself just like you are. You cannot solve his problem for him, and you won’t be helping him by staying in a relationship that makes you unsafe — or even makes you feel unsafe.
Thanks again to both you and Carrie for an excellent Q&A.
What an excellent question and answer today. There are a lot of people heading back to school who really need this message!
You are so right! I have been in this same situation and it just goes downhill from here! My bf was so insecure and jealous that he acted the same way. I didn’t go off to college because of this. I couldn’t talk to anyone but his friends and once I talked to one alone for too long and he beat him up…his own friend. It was awful…so what did I do? Married him. I couldn’t get away from him. 1 year into the marriage I came home from work on lunch packed my clothes in my car and got away. I didn’t call him until I had the divorce papers filed and needed his signature. I suggest you run now, before it is too late!
Insecurity and jealousy can at times be signs of a future abuser. But much more importantly – why are you putting up with this kind of behavior? YOU DESERVE BETTER. You deserve perfect. You deserve to be loved and cherished and adored for who you are – not who he wants you to become.
If a girlfriend were acting this way, how would you respond?
Is love really bondage, the desire of one person to completely control the other? I don’t think so. I think love is comfort and kindness and space when you need it. Anything else should be considered unacceptable. And ditched faster than you can flip open your cell phone. Because yo are worth only good things.
This is why Domestic Violence education needs to be taught at a middle and high school level.
I wonder how many women, and men, would have seen the warning signs earlier if they were taught what to look for?
I feel like my entire two-year relationship with the guy I dated as I was going away to school. We were the same age, but different places. It never turned physical, but it was emotionally abusive. It would have ended sooner, but it took six months to get over the guilt and fear should he hurt himself if I left. Even after it was a long time before the 3am phone calls calling me a whore stopped. Years later I’m still learning to trust and love myself.
It is so important to trust your instincts, and also of those around you–they may be able to see things you don’t. Try not to be defensive when talking to other people, hear them out.
It is important to love yourself first, and remember that you deserve to be treated much better than insults and possessive behavior.
Control is not love. At best it’s a sign of anxiety at worst it’s a form of abuse.
Please be careful and best wishes.
Wow. I am happy to hear you are only 19. I am 53. Your question hits a chord for me. Let me draw out a possible life for you… One I don’t think you want.
I married the jealous guy. Lived with the unending accusations. I would explain that I would never do such a thing – each time. A friend of mine was over (wonder how that happened) at the same time a female “family friend” of his was over, and my friend said to me “Those two have been intimate.” (It is what had happened with her marriage. She could see it.) Things began to unravel, things of his in the house were either being “repaired” or “loaned” or whatever. He cleaned anything of value of his out of the house. He set up a long wished for “date” with me while his sister babysat our two young boys, the day after Christmas. This was the first I heard that he wanted a divorce as he made a big dramatic exit and moved in with his current girlfriend.
The jealous accusations were projections onto me of what he was doing. He was telling me what he was doing by accusing me of what he was doing.
My ex had serial affairs all during a marriage of 20 years. And he’s the one that left. I still was programmed to stay because that’s what I’d learned with all of my abuse growing up. He left, I waited the required 6 months at the time before going for AIDS testing and for STDs. Thankfully the tests were negative. This guy was all about manipulation and control. The person he presented for two years before marrying him was a false-self with little bits of jealousy thrown in. There was no heart in him to connect with. Just a manipulator. The boys stay in contact with him because they are genetically from him, but it is difficult for them at best.
You are looking at this website, you are questioning if this jealous behavior is OK, or normal, or ? I hope with all of my heart that you choose a different life’s path. You are worth so much more. You get to choose. I was so young. Married at 19. Thought I was supposed to be married next, well just get on with it. All I’d ever known were abusive men (and brother). It was familiar! If I only knew then what I know now…
Take good care of yourself, value yourself. I see love as joining soul mates where you are equals (no power difference) and enjoying helping each other blossom and grow.
I wish, I wish. I wish for you… (I’ve been out of that relationship for many years and it still affects my life, my sanity, my serenity.) Took 4 years to get divorced, he payed for both sides of the fight. Then 8 more years of court dates and a move to another state to get it to stop.
You get to choose. Be strong. Love yourself.
Joyful & Independent (on the Other Side now)