I married the jealous guy. Lived with the unending accusations. I would explain that I would never do such a thing – each time. A friend of mine was over (wonder how that happened) at the same time a female “family friend” of his was over, and my friend said to me “Those two have been intimate.” (It is what had happened with her marriage. She could see it.) Things began to unravel, things of his in the house were either being “repaired” or “loaned” or whatever. He cleaned anything of value of his out of the house. He set up a long wished for “date” with me while his sister babysat our two young boys, the day after Christmas. This was the first I heard that he wanted a divorce as he made a big dramatic exit and moved in with his current girlfriend.

The jealous accusations were projections onto me of what he was doing. He was telling me what he was doing by accusing me of what he was doing.

My ex had serial affairs all during a marriage of 20 years. And he’s the one that left. I still was programmed to stay because that’s what I’d learned with all of my abuse growing up. He left, I waited the required 6 months at the time before going for AIDS testing and for STDs. Thankfully the tests were negative. This guy was all about manipulation and control. The person he presented for two years before marrying him was a false-self with little bits of jealousy thrown in. There was no heart in him to connect with. Just a manipulator. The boys stay in contact with him because they are genetically from him, but it is difficult for them at best.

You are looking at this website, you are questioning if this jealous behavior is OK, or normal, or ? I hope with all of my heart that you choose a different life’s path. You are worth so much more. You get to choose. I was so young. Married at 19. Thought I was supposed to be married next, well just get on with it. All I’d ever known were abusive men (and brother). It was familiar! If I only knew then what I know now…

Take good care of yourself, value yourself. I see love as joining soul mates where you are equals (no power difference) and enjoying helping each other blossom and grow.

I wish, I wish. I wish for you… (I’ve been out of that relationship for many years and it still affects my life, my sanity, my serenity.) Took 4 years to get divorced, he payed for both sides of the fight. Then 8 more years of court dates and a move to another state to get it to stop.

You get to choose. Be strong. Love yourself.

Joyful & Independent (on the Other Side now)

Please be careful and best wishes.

It is so important to trust your instincts, and also of those around you–they may be able to see things you don’t. Try not to be defensive when talking to other people, hear them out.

It is important to love yourself first, and remember that you deserve to be treated much better than insults and possessive behavior.

I wonder how many women, and men, would have seen the warning signs earlier if they were taught what to look for?

If a girlfriend were acting this way, how would you respond?

Is love really bondage, the desire of one person to completely control the other? I don’t think so. I think love is comfort and kindness and space when you need it. Anything else should be considered unacceptable. And ditched faster than you can flip open your cell phone. Because yo are worth only good things.

I am so glad to hear you raising these questions now rather than waiting until the situation escalates to something damaging. And really glad that your roommate decided to “butt in”. Whether you realize it or not, you have a good friend there. One who’s willing to risk making you angry with her to tell you what you need to hear. That’s all too rare.

Thank you so much for raising this question. So many of the stories here have their beginnings on college campuses. Raising awareness is critical to curing the problem, and there’s no better place to do that than at the source.

I’d only add one underscore to a point Carrie made. You obviously care about this guy, and as such you don’t want to see anything happen to him. that’s admirable and good. But do not put his well-being above your own. He’s an adult, and needs to be responsible for himself just like you are. You cannot solve his problem for him, and you won’t be helping him by staying in a relationship that makes you unsafe — or even makes you feel unsafe.

Thanks again to both you and Carrie for an excellent Q&A.