Wednesday Q&A: Is this abuse?
Each Wednesday we feature a Q&A with an expert. This column is not legal advice, nor is it intended to take the place of legal advice, professional counseling, crisis intervention, or safety planning. For legal or emotional support or for safety planning specific to your situation, please access help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline or from a domestic violence agency near you. This column is intended for educational purposes only.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to maggie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
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QUESTION:
Is years of hearing a spouse telling you that you have a lover (when you don’t), that you hate them (him telling me I hate him), and never saying anything nice about me — to me or to anyone — a form of abuse?
I have been with my husband of 17 years, and cant remember ever feeling happy around him. I have always been on edge around him afraid to speak my mind for what he will say in return. He has always made comments that he thinks I have a boyfriend. That I only dress nice (for family events or funerals) to impress the guys. He has never told me he thought I was pretty, or even looked nice.
I have no reason to want sex with him anymore because he makes it out to be a chore, not romance. I cant even remember the last time I wanted to have sex with him except for the reason of just to get it out of the way for the month, week, or what ever the occasion may have been. I just know how my mother felt when my father used to hurt her; I don’t get hit, but some days wish he would hit me; maybe then I would have a real reason to leave him. Or kick him out.
Am I wrong for asking these questions? Am I being selfish for wanting to feel happy and hear a man tell me I look nice? Is being put down for years a form of abuse?
Sometimes I think if I have a bruise to prove how I feel then someone would believe me!
ANSWER:
Thank you for raising these very important questions. You are absolutely not wrong for asking them.
The short answer is this: Domestic violence can be emotional, physical, psychological and/or sexual. While many abusers use some combination of these forms of violence, sometimes abuse doesn’t involve physical violence at all.
We hear similar questions a lot on our Crisis Line, from people who are experiencing something in their relationship that doesn’t feel right, that feels cruel and controlling, yet isn’t physical. Sometimes they wonder whether this counts as “abuse”, or whether it’s not as damaging or problematic as being punched or kicked.
The truth is, emotional abuse can be even more devastating than physical violence. Ongoing emotional abuse can erode your self-esteem and confidence in ways physical abuse often can’t. Emotional abuse leaves no scars, so victims often feel even more alone and isolated, with no outward proof (like a broken arm or a black eye) of what is happening to them. And while physical abuse can be overt and simple to identify (i.e. “He hit me in the jaw”), emotional abuse can often feel more difficult to label, or put a finger on. This means many people who experience emotional abuse often do so in silence and confusion, with no one ever knowing what they’re going through, or believing them when they try to ask for help.
I am so glad you reached out and asked for help.
Here is a list of some common warning signs of emotional abuse:
- Dictating your behavior, privileges and/or opinions.
- Accusing you of flirting or having sexual relationships with other people.
- Monitoring and/or criticizing your clothing, make-up, weight, and physical appearance.
- Constantly asking where you are going, who you’re with, etc.
- Insisting that you spend all or most of your time together, isolating you from family and friends.
- Becoming angry or taking offense when you have a different opinion than he/she does or when you don’t take his/her advice.
- Demonstrating ownership and possessiveness over you (“I can’t live without you,” “You are my whole world,” etc.).
- Displaying anger, jealousy, and/or frustration easily; acting ‘hurt’ when not getting his/her way; getting very upset at small inconveniences.
This list is just a short sample. Turning Point Services offers a more comprehensive list of warning signs and another helpful list can be found here.
You know your situation best. If you see your relationship reflected in any of the warning signs included in these lists, please consider talking with someone. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE. A trained counselor can talk with you about your specific situation and connect you to other resources that can be of help.
We encourage people to trust their instincts when their partner does something that “just feels wrong”, or raises a red flag, or makes them feel small, silenced, unsafe, or alone. I am so glad you listened to that little voice that keeps saying, “Something here isn’t right.”
I am sure others who are reading this may have their own words of comfort, assurance and advice on this issue. It is something so many women (and men) have been through. You are not alone. No one deserves to feel ridiculed, berated and fearful. It is not selfish or wrong to expect your partner to treat you with kindness, trust and respect.
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Carrie K. is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
17 Responses to “Wednesday Q&A: Is this abuse?”
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Great answer to the question. It bothers me when people insist that without bruises or blood there is no abuse.
We need to do a better job of raising our sons and daughters to accept that they deserve happiness… not just a blemish free face.
I hope I don’t get flamed for this. This blog is so awesome for drawing real attention to the terrible suffering of woman and girls who have been brutally victimized. I often say I’d not make a good judge or police officer because in abuse cases, I’d make the punishment fit the crime. In the case of rape, I’d START with castration.
However, this post strikes close to home for me in a different way. I am very close to a situation in which the type of abuse discussed here is being done by the wife to the husband. And he is a great guy: loves his kids, works hard, works tirelessly to get her heart to turn toward him. And so much more. He is kind and tender hearted, and that right there is where she gets him.
He has often said to me, “I’d rather fight in Afghanistan, Iraq,wherever, on the ground, in the heat of battle, facing real death than face the pain I face every night I go home and she cuts me down, rips my heart open and spews her venom at me.” Strong words. True words from a hurting man. For now, he is staying for the children, trying to decide which will hurt them less: a divorce or the abuse they witness.
I don’t want to detract from the very real fact that women are victimized more than men, by far. But, I do want to let you know there are men out there tonight that are hurting from this type of abuse, hurting badly and wondering what to do.
Oh, Mr. Nuggets, please don’t misunderstand! This site is very much for all genders, all socioeconomic backgrounds, all sexual orientations/identifications, all races, all cultures, all backgrounds, all ages. Specific to your question, it’s not just for women. We have featured men on this site (BHJ, Keith Smith) and I wish more would/could speak up but so far that has not been the case. There are absolutely situations out there like the one you’ve described and your instincts are real. I’m glad this man has you for a friend. Abuse doesn’t care who you are or where you’re from or whether you’re a man or woman; it’s about power.
I’m gonna turn this back over to Carrie if she’s reading but I know what an ardent supporter you are and I just wanted to make sure you knew that Violence UnSilenced welcomes submissions from everyone. If I can make one difference out there it’s driving that point home, that there IS no stereotype here.
Oh, Mr. Nuggets, please don’t misunderstand! This site is very much for all genders, all socioeconomic backgrounds, all races, all cultures, all backgrounds, all ages. Specific to your question, it’s not just for women. We have featured men on this site (BHJ, Keith Smith) and I wish more would/could speak up but so far that has not been the case. There are absolutely situations out there like the one you’ve described and your instincts are real. I’m glad this man has you for a friend. Abuse doesn’t care who you are or where you’re from or whether you’re a man or woman; it’s about power.
I’m gonna turn this back over to Carrie if she’s reading but I know what an ardent supporter you are and I just wanted to make sure you knew that Violence UnSilenced welcomes submissions from everyone. If I can make one difference out there it’s driving that point home, that there IS no stereotype here.
Yes, absolutely — men AND women can experience domestic abuse, emotional as well as physical. While most victims are women, this in no way discounts the very real suffering that male victims experience. That is why we, in this movement to end domestic violence, should try to use gender-neutral language whenever possible, to reflect the fact that victims aren’t always female and abusers aren’t always male.
I, too, am glad this man can find in you a supportive friend. You might be one of the few people in whom he’s confided, and you may want to share resources to help him ensure his and his children’s emotional safety. You could share with him the lists of warning signs, linked above, or a web resource like this one — http://www.stopvaw.org/Effects_of_Domestic_Violence_on_Children.html — that discusses the effects of domestic violence on children. An important note: I encourage you to fully vet any online resources before you share them, because unfortunately, there are several websites that masquerade as resources for male victims, when in reality, they are pushing an anti-woman, anti-feminist agenda.
More and more local domestic violence programs are changing their language and enhancing their programming to better serve male victims. Thank you for raising this question — no one, regardless of gender, deserves to live in fear or shame.
I wish I had a definitive answer to your question, because it resonates. Reverse the gender roles and you could be talking about either of my marriages. I don’t think I ever used the word “abuse” to describe them, but I had plenty of other words for them. “Dysfunctional”. “Toxic”. “Codependent”. Or if I were feeling especially eloquent, simply “fucked up”. But “abuse”? I never used that word. Which doesn’t mean it wasn’t, and it certainly doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. I guess anything that is designed to make you feel “less than” could be termed “abusive”. Even if it’s not overt.
But whatever you choose to call it, the damage it does is very real. Not as visible as a broken jaw perhaps, but no less real. Even ten years removed from the second train wreck of a marriage I’m still pretty much an emotional cripple. I do just fine with people in general, friends, co-workers, family… perfect strangers even. But the only one I let get “that close to me” now is my dog. And of all the things I lost, perhaps the saddest one is my belief in that time-honored truism that “There’s someone out there for everyone.” I just don’t buy it anymore.
But looking at it at different way, let me ask you this. Does it matter what you call it? Does the label you put on it mean so much? Misery is misery, regardless how it comes to be. And you deserve better than that don’t you? So ask yourself, “Do I have to be able to call it abuse to give myself permission to get out?” Because it sounds like that’s what you need. Justification. So let me tell ya. Abject misery is justification whether it’s brought on by abuse or some other circumstance. But I get that it’s hard to leave when there’s nothing to point to as evidence. If there’s nothing visible, then you run the risk of being painted as the villain of the piece. And getting past the “What will people think if I leave?” is tough. The guilt that comes with “quitting” is tough. The doubt about what you’re doing is tough.
But honestly, should you decide to get out, you might be surprised at the reaction. You might be amazed at the number of people who say “It’s about damn time!” You might even be amazed to find that the relief is stronger than the guilt.
So hang any name you want to on it. Abuse by any other name still stinks. So let’s call it abuse. Let’s just go ahead and speak the name of the beast. The question remains, what will you do with this newfound insight?
I can’t answer that one for you. Nobody can answer that one for you but you. But whatever answer you arrive at, I wish you luck, and happiness. Because you deserve it. I hope you find it.
While I’m sure that the description of “abuse” above is helpful – I wonder why the person writing the question feels as if it needs to be called abuse in order to justify leaving?
Whether it is borderline or definite emotional abuse – you have the right to walk away if you are feeling unhappy and disrespected.
Good luck. I hope that you find happiness.
Please know that you do not need to bleed to be humiliated and abused.
My husband was an abuser in his previous marriage, the same kind of abuser you ask about. His weapons didn’t include his fists; the bruises he left were caused by angry words, manipulation, and more. He and I co-wrote a series of articles about his experiences, family violence, and how he finally was able to identify and admit to his abusive behavior, and how he got help. I don’t know if this helps, but perhaps knowing there are people doing what your husband is doing, and who have identified themselves as perpetrators of abuse will help you to know in your heart that you don’t have to be hit to be abused. Here’s the link to the articles. http://www.shoutdaily.com/2008/06/my-journey-into-violence/
I wish you all the very best!
Thank you for sending in such a thought provoking question and many, many thanks to Maggie and Carrie for providing the forum and expertise for you to hopefully get the answers you need.
Thank you for posting this question and answer. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for just under 2 years but it has haunted me for another 2 years. I felt exactly like this, I had nothing physical to show for the way he treated me, I thought noone would believe me. Finally I realized I don’t deserve to be this unhappy and no way in the world was I going to let my future child see their mother treated this way. I left and am still regaining myself, I think I’m almost there.
[...] did a pretty crappy job at being married. I threw in the towel. True, he had a hand in it all, but how could I have stayed with him so long before getting married and after that and not seen [...]
@MaggieDammit and @Carrie I sure appreciate your words and find it so healing and healthy to have a place such as this where help is the goal, without agenda.
I will be sure to have him look at the site you mention. Later tonight I hope to explore this site for more information that might be of help to him as he faces the decision that may very quickly be in front of him.
You two are angels for what you have done here.
Wow…I have thought the same exact things recently. Especially the part where if I had bruises it might make it more real, not just something that could very well be “in my head”.
So I’ll add to the question (if permitted). I’m in the process of filing for divorce now. And I’ve never said outright to him, “I think you are emotionally abusive,” though I’ve thought it. He is telling me I never gave him the chance to change and I should give him the opportunity to change. Except my heart is very much closed to him. If he would have hit me, most people would say not to stay with him to see if he’d change. But what about the emotional abuse? Should someone stay and let themselves open to more emotional assault in the attempt to save a marriage?
I will add, we do have one child, so I’ve really been thinking about this, because I want to do what’s best for our child too.
I know how she feels. My marriage was a carbon copy.
And to respond to Ashlie…it is very hard to leave, even harder when you have children.
You begin to justify his actions. Things will get better, then get worse again. When they are bad, you will think that they will get better again….but when?
Give her time. She will leave when the time is right.
I didn’t think I would ever be able to leave…but I did. And I am so happy I did.
Regarding the use of the term “abuse” … I currently am in an emotionally abusive relationship. Once I was able to see the relationship more objectively and label my husband’s undesirable behavior as abuse, it was freeing.
I found books and online support networks(like this one!) that substantiated what I was afraid to believe, afraid to face, really. I began to look at the problems in the relationship for what they are, and realize, once and for all, that I am not crazy. I’ve felt really confused and crazy for the last nine years of this relationship, and it was so freeing to finally figure out that it’s not me.
That was the first step of what I anticipate to be a long journey of healing. I’m so glad to be on that road now.
Whatever terms you apply to such treatment — or more accurately mistreatment — the effects are just as devastating. A sharp tongue can do as much damage, if not more, than a closed fist.
Hearing about these kinds of situations always makes me wonder when it might escalate to physical abuse. (As Carrie pointed out, it’s usually a combination of emotional, psychological and physical or sexual assault.)
And whatever label applies, this kind of behavior is bad, damaging, and unnecessary. No one should have to live in a combat zone, especially not in their own home.
If this post describes YOU, please get help and/or get out. You deserve better.
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