Hearing about these kinds of situations always makes me wonder when it might escalate to physical abuse. (As Carrie pointed out, it’s usually a combination of emotional, psychological and physical or sexual assault.)

And whatever label applies, this kind of behavior is bad, damaging, and unnecessary. No one should have to live in a combat zone, especially not in their own home.

If this post describes YOU, please get help and/or get out. You deserve better.

I found books and online support networks(like this one!) that substantiated what I was afraid to believe, afraid to face, really. I began to look at the problems in the relationship for what they are, and realize, once and for all, that I am not crazy. I’ve felt really confused and crazy for the last nine years of this relationship, and it was so freeing to finally figure out that it’s not me.

That was the first step of what I anticipate to be a long journey of healing. I’m so glad to be on that road now.

And to respond to Ashlie…it is very hard to leave, even harder when you have children.

You begin to justify his actions. Things will get better, then get worse again. When they are bad, you will think that they will get better again….but when?

Give her time. She will leave when the time is right.

I didn’t think I would ever be able to leave…but I did. And I am so happy I did.

So I’ll add to the question (if permitted). I’m in the process of filing for divorce now. And I’ve never said outright to him, “I think you are emotionally abusive,” though I’ve thought it. He is telling me I never gave him the chance to change and I should give him the opportunity to change. Except my heart is very much closed to him. If he would have hit me, most people would say not to stay with him to see if he’d change. But what about the emotional abuse? Should someone stay and let themselves open to more emotional assault in the attempt to save a marriage?

I will add, we do have one child, so I’ve really been thinking about this, because I want to do what’s best for our child too.

I will be sure to have him look at the site you mention. Later tonight I hope to explore this site for more information that might be of help to him as he faces the decision that may very quickly be in front of him.

You two are angels for what you have done here.

My husband was an abuser in his previous marriage, the same kind of abuser you ask about. His weapons didn’t include his fists; the bruises he left were caused by angry words, manipulation, and more. He and I co-wrote a series of articles about his experiences, family violence, and how he finally was able to identify and admit to his abusive behavior, and how he got help. I don’t know if this helps, but perhaps knowing there are people doing what your husband is doing, and who have identified themselves as perpetrators of abuse will help you to know in your heart that you don’t have to be hit to be abused. Here’s the link to the articles. http://www.shoutdaily.com/2008/06/my-journey-into-violence/

I wish you all the very best!