Wednesday Q&A: Should I pressure my loved one to leave?
Question:
My oldest daughter is in an abusive marriage. I am extremely worried about her safety, as well as the well-being of my 3-year-old grandson. My daughter’s husband is physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive, and I know my daughter is afraid of him. (Luckily, I live in the same town, and so I probably am aware of the problem more so than if I lived far away.) My younger daughter has been pressuring her sister to leave her husband immediately. We are all terrified of what might happen if she stays — but, the more my younger daughter puts pressure on her sister, the more her sister pulls away from our family. As their mom, I feel completely torn and not sure what to do — my younger daughter is about to wash her hands of her older sister, saying that if she isn’t willing to help herself, there is nothing we can do. But I know my older daughter needs us, and I worry she feels trapped and unsure of what to do. What is the right answer??
Answer:
I am so glad your oldest daughter has family nearby, people who care about her and are actively concerned for her safety. Your younger daughter’s actions come from an understandable place of worry and concern. Yet you are right to question the wisdom of her tactics. Pressuring someone to “just leave” is never the best option.
Abuse victims spend much of their waking hours being told what to do, and being systematically stripped of their autonomy. As someone who loves her, you can avoid joining in that destructive chorus of “you should’s” and “you need to’s”. Instead, help your daughter regain her own sense of herself. Help her learn to trust her own instincts again. Help her learn to listen to that internal compass we all possess that tells us when we’re heading toward danger or safety.
Encouraging someone to “just leave” can be dangerous. Leaving is hard. Leaving can sometimes feel impossible. Leaving is almost never simple.
Leaving safely requires planning: How and when will she leave? What does she need or want to take with her (prescription medicines, her children’s birth certificates, family photos, etc.)? Where will she live? If the car is in his name, how will she get to work? What will happen to the family dog?
Leaving safely requires resources: Does she have friends or family who can help her find temporary housing? Does she have the education or training necessary to find a job that can support her family? Does she have a bank account or credit cards that are solely in her name? If he fights for custody, can she afford a lawyer?
Leaving safely requires courage: What if he promises to change? What if her self-esteem has been so eroded by the abuse that she has a difficult time believing in herself? What if he threatens her safety or their children if she leaves him?
These are just a handful of the questions she will need to consider in order to leave in a way that is safe. “Safe” is the most important word. National statistics show that women are six times more likely to be killed by their abusers when they attempt to leave, than at any other time. When children are involved, the picture can become even more complicated — courts still routinely grant shared custody even when one parent has a record of domestic abuse. As a result, many victims stay in abusive relationships out of a desire to protect their children from being alone with the abuser.
You are right not to encourage your daughter to “just leave.” But there are steps you can take to help her increase her safety.
First, you can help your younger daughter understand the dynamics that might be influencing her older sister’s reticence to leave, so that she can channel her concern into more supportive behaviors. Here are two helpful places to start: Why She Sometimes Stays (PDF) from StopViolence.com and Why She Stays from the House of Ruth.
Second, you can help your oldest daughter understand the various tools available to help her increase her own safety and the safety of her son. You can let her know that while leaving is one option, you want her to make that decision if and when she feels ready to do so. You can help her come up with ways of increasing her safety at home, during a violent incident, and in the event she decides to leave. A very common safety plan that address all of these issues can be found here. Safety planning tips for victims who currently live with their abusers can be found here. Additional tips can be found here.
Isolation is one of the most powerful and effective tactics abusers use to control their victims. Too many victims are abandoned by family and friends who don’t or can’t understand the scary and difficult environment that defines their everyday existence. Maintaining a relationship with your oldest daughter that is grounded in unconditional love, understanding and respect is critically important to her well-being (and possibly her survival). Let her know that you love her, that you believe in her, that she can count on you to be an unconditional ally and listener, and that you will support her choices to maximize her safety in whatever form those choices take — even if, for the time being, that doesn’t include the decision to leave.
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Each Wednesday we feature a Q&A with an expert. This column is not legal advice, nor is it intended to take the place of legal advice, professional counseling, crisis intervention, or safety planning. For legal or emotional support or for safety planning specific to your situation, please access help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline or from a domestic violence agency near you. This column is intended for educational purposes only.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
7 Responses to “Wednesday Q&A: Should I pressure my loved one to leave?”
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Excellent question, and an excellent answer to it! In one of the early stories on VU someone left a comment saying, “The question isn’t ‘Why do the victims stay?’ but rather ‘Why do the abusers abuse?’” That comment has stuck in my head from the moment I read it. Because it pointed out (to me anyway) that telling a victim she needs to “just leave” is just another way of blaming the victim. Even if it’s doing it in a roundabout way.
Your instincts are very good on this one. Your older daughter may not even realize that she’d be better off getting out of the relationship. It’s easy to see when you’re looking at it from the outside, but up close it’s sometimes impossible. Ask most survivors and they’ll tell you “I didn’t realize how bad it was until I got out and saw what ‘normal’ actually was.”
Thank you so much for bringing this up. I hope your daughter is able to find a safe way to leave — or at least a safe way to live. And the innumerable people seeing this same situation unfold in front of them are all going to benefit from the answer because you asked the question.
And thank you too Carrie. I’ve encountered this same situation, not with family members, but with friends. Some things I did right, others maybe not so much. But the next time I’ll be better prepared. As always, thanks so much for taking the time to share your expertise with us. It’s a huge help.
I am a proud survivor of domestic violence. While I was still living with my abuser, my family did try to intervene. Their actions were motivated by love and concern – however what they offered was not what I needed. At the time, although I was miserable and wanted out, the last thing I needed, frankly, was someone else telling me what I should do. It was a matter of personal pride – I wanted – no, needed – to find my own way out. Accepting help from my family would have been paramount to admitting I was weak – a fear that I already had – in spades!
While they meant well, they didn’t understand my viewpoint from the inside the abusive situation. Their involvement actually made me feel more trapped because they represented yet another direction in which I was being pulled. For a while they felt rejected that I wouldn’t accept the help they offered. As a result we had a ‘parting of the ways.’ That was another cost I was willing to incur – the loss of my family’s support. While not an ideal situation, their involvement complicated things and for that time our estrangement was for the best.
When I found the fortitude within myself to act it was my choice – for once.
In the end, it was me who stepped away from both forces and struck out in my own direction. I am now safe and happy out here in the ‘real’ world. I know that I always was strong and smart and deserving no matter what anyone else tried to make me believe. I know that the world is – for the most part – full of acceptance. Oh, and I have reconciled with my family who now understand my decisions in the past were not directed against them, rather toward me.
I hope my experience will help someone in crisis to find strength and will help those who love that person to give the unconditional support she/he needs.
Wishing peace and love to all,
Gina
excellent question and even better answer.
I tried so hard when my best friend was in an abusive relationship not to pressure her into any actions – just let her know I would support her (financially and emotionally) if or when she left him. It’s good to see reassurance here that it was a good move. She has since moved on and it isn’t easy because he’s still in her life and the father of her child, but she got out safely and I hope it stays that way!!
I tried so hard when my best friend was in an abusive relationship not to pressure her into any actions – just let her know I would support her (financially and emotionally) if or when she left him. It’s good to see reassurance here that it was a good move. She has since moved on and it isn’t easy because he’s still in her life and the father of her child, but she got out safely and I hope it stays that way!!
Oops…forgot to say great post! Looking forward to your next one.
My heart goes out to you – nothing in the world is worse than knowing that your child is unhappy or in danger.
What an amazing, level-headed response to your question – thank God for such people. Unconditional love is the key phrase, because if your daughter knows that her family is there for her whenever, no matter what, when she has the strength to leave it will be to you that she turns. Take care.
[...] reading last week’s question [from a mother struggling to help her daughter cope with an abusive relationship], I started [...]