Comments on: Wednesday Q&A: Should I pressure my loved one to leave?

By: Wednesday Q&A: How Can I Help My Kids Avoid Abuse? : Violence UnSilenced

Wednesday Q&A: How Can I Help My Kids Avoid Abuse? : Violence UnSilenced — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 17:01:46 +0000

[...] reading last week’s question [from a mother struggling to help her daughter cope with an abusive relationship], I started [...]

By: Ellen

Ellen — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 07:59:54 +0000

My heart goes out to you – nothing in the world is worse than knowing that your child is unhappy or in danger.

What an amazing, level-headed response to your question – thank God for such people. Unconditional love is the key phrase, because if your daughter knows that her family is there for her whenever, no matter what, when she has the strength to leave it will be to you that she turns. Take care.

By: NGS

NGS — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 08:16:01 +0000

I tried so hard when my best friend was in an abusive relationship not to pressure her into any actions – just let her know I would support her (financially and emotionally) if or when she left him. It’s good to see reassurance here that it was a good move. She has since moved on and it isn’t easy because he’s still in her life and the father of her child, but she got out safely and I hope it stays that way!!
Oops…forgot to say great post! Looking forward to your next one.

By: NGS

NGS — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 22:47:06 +0000

By: quin browne

quin browne — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 18:29:37 +0000

excellent question and even better answer.

By: Gina

Gina — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 15:20:40 +0000

I am a proud survivor of domestic violence. While I was still living with my abuser, my family did try to intervene. Their actions were motivated by love and concern – however what they offered was not what I needed. At the time, although I was miserable and wanted out, the last thing I needed, frankly, was someone else telling me what I should do. It was a matter of personal pride – I wanted – no, needed – to find my own way out. Accepting help from my family would have been paramount to admitting I was weak – a fear that I already had – in spades!

While they meant well, they didn’t understand my viewpoint from the inside the abusive situation. Their involvement actually made me feel more trapped because they represented yet another direction in which I was being pulled. For a while they felt rejected that I wouldn’t accept the help they offered. As a result we had a ‘parting of the ways.’ That was another cost I was willing to incur – the loss of my family’s support. While not an ideal situation, their involvement complicated things and for that time our estrangement was for the best.

When I found the fortitude within myself to act it was my choice – for once.

In the end, it was me who stepped away from both forces and struck out in my own direction. I am now safe and happy out here in the ‘real’ world. I know that I always was strong and smart and deserving no matter what anyone else tried to make me believe. I know that the world is – for the most part – full of acceptance. Oh, and I have reconciled with my family who now understand my decisions in the past were not directed against them, rather toward me.

I hope my experience will help someone in crisis to find strength and will help those who love that person to give the unconditional support she/he needs.

Wishing peace and love to all,
Gina

By: Mojo

Mojo — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:53:57 +0000

Excellent question, and an excellent answer to it! In one of the early stories on VU someone left a comment saying, “The question isn’t ‘Why do the victims stay?’ but rather ‘Why do the abusers abuse?’” That comment has stuck in my head from the moment I read it. Because it pointed out (to me anyway) that telling a victim she needs to “just leave” is just another way of blaming the victim. Even if it’s doing it in a roundabout way.

Your instincts are very good on this one. Your older daughter may not even realize that she’d be better off getting out of the relationship. It’s easy to see when you’re looking at it from the outside, but up close it’s sometimes impossible. Ask most survivors and they’ll tell you “I didn’t realize how bad it was until I got out and saw what ‘normal’ actually was.”

Thank you so much for bringing this up. I hope your daughter is able to find a safe way to leave — or at least a safe way to live. And the innumerable people seeing this same situation unfold in front of them are all going to benefit from the answer because you asked the question.

And thank you too Carrie. I’ve encountered this same situation, not with family members, but with friends. Some things I did right, others maybe not so much. But the next time I’ll be better prepared. As always, thanks so much for taking the time to share your expertise with us. It’s a huge help.