Wednesday Q&A: Should I tell my new partner about my past?
QUESTION:
I am struggling with how, when, and/or whether to tell my partner about my past. I have been seeing a wonderful man for a few months. Because of the abuse in my last relationship, it’s taken me a while to trust him. Early in our relationship, when talking about our lives and where we were from, he mentioned his past relationships. I told him where I grew up, where I went to school, etc. When he asked about my past relationships, I kept my answer vague and told him it had been a while since I’d seen anyone. He’s asked again, a couple of times — not in an insistent way, but more out of care and curiosity. I don’t know what to say, and I think it’s growing obvious to him that something deeper lies beyond my brief and evasive replies. Some important back story: This is my first relationship in almost five years, and the first one since I left my ex-boyfriend, who was emotionally and psychologically abusive. We were together for several years, starting early in college. Leaving was hard, but I finally escaped and moved to a new city where I had friends and better job prospects. I’ve focused the last five years on building a life, finding a career I love, getting therapy. I feel I’m in a much better place now. This new relationship, which we’ve taken slow, feels healthy and good, and nothing like my last one. But I’m not sure I’m ready to be completely vulnerable and expose my past to him. Does he deserve an honest answer? What should I say the next time he asks?
ANSWER:
Your past is your own. You get to choose who you share it with, when you share it, and how.
If you’re not ready to share the story of your last relationship with your new partner, there are simple ways to answer his question without sounding evasive. For example: “I dated my college boyfriend for several years. We were young, and it didn’t work out. We broke up right before I decided to move here.”
In no way are you obligated in a new relationship–or any, for that matter–to reveal a full account of the abuse you experienced. With enough trust and time, there may come a point in the future when you feel ready to begin sharing your history with your partner. If you decide to make a more long-term commitment, or decide to live together, disclosing your history may become important, as you may have certain needs, triggers and/or boundaries that you want your partner to understand and respect. And, because the effects of abuse can play out in sometimes surprising ways, there may be a time when you want to turn to your partner for support.
If and when you decide to begin the process of sharing, remember this: You don’t need to tell him everything at once. Start with the basics — something like the following: “You may remember that I didn’t want to go into detail about my past relationship. That’s because some painful things happened. My ex was emotionally abusive, and while I’ve learned how to heal from it, I’m still not completely comfortable talking about what happened. I care about you, though, and while it’s very scary to do this, I wanted you to know those basics.”
Over time, you can reveal other details if and when you feel ready. You can invite him to ask you questions, but make sure to explain to him up front that there may be questions you don’t want to address.
One final point. I want to encourage you to think about the root of your caution. If something in your gut is telling you not to trust your partner with the story of your past, that is a very important voice to listen to.
Good luck to you. And congratulations on building a healthy, happy life.
P.S. I would love to hear other readers’ thoughts on this subject. It’s a question I hear often, and I’ve seen different people approach this situation in different (and healthy) ways. So — chime in!
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. Most recently, she has worked for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
8 Responses to “Wednesday Q&A: Should I tell my new partner about my past?”
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I don’t think you have any obligation to share if you aren’t ready, or ever for that matter. There are lots of things we keep to oursellves and in time you may feel differently —but that is your choice.
You only ever share what you are comfortable with. If you have never identified any triggers there is no need for anyone to know if you wish to keep it private.
Slowly and steadily and at a pace with which YOU are comfortable share when YOU feel it is appropriate share but always remember now EVERYTHING is your choice. You have worked hard to be in a place where the decisions are yours alone. May all the of us live well.
Only YOU can know when the time and place are right to share such personal information. Until you feel ready, you don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation.
Good luck – and congratulations for getting away from an abusive situation and giving yourself a second chance.
Kudos to you for asking the question and for the beginning of a new relationship. It’s difficult to know how we’re supposed to respond to questions about our past, especially when you’ve chosen to make a new life for yourself. The big answer above about speaking of your former relationship in a more general fashion may work – personally I have answered a few questions, but kept most of the details to myself. I did explain my few “buttons” and how I could react so that my new partner would understand that I was not crazy. Trust your instincts and whatever you feel or don’t feel like sharing is totally your choice. Congratulations for who you have become and good luck in your future.
An excellent question. Which usually means the answers are never black and white. Carrie makes an excellent point abotu identifying the root of your caution though. You don’t need to answer the question for anyone else, but you should answer it for yourself: “Why am I hesitant to trust this person with this information?” I don’t know your answer to that question, and I should think it varies not only with the person asking it, but also the person they’re asking it about.
In a very general way, I agree with everyone who’s commented here. Your story is yours to share – or not – with whomever you choose (unless part or all of it is a matter of public record, in which case your choices are limited). If your new partner is the man you think he is, he’ll respect that.
At the same time, if you’re holding back on telling the story because you’re afraid of losing him, you may very well bring about the thing you’re trying to avoid. People in relationships – beyond the casual variety at least – generally want to know the person they’re involved with — warts and all. If they feel shut out, it can be damaging to the relationship as a whole. I say “can be”, not “will be” because like most things there are no absolutes. But consider what your response would be if you thought he was keeping something from you.
Finally, one theme I read over and over again in the survivor stories here is one in which the writer has now found someone who understands them, who is not abusive and who has heard all of their deep dark secrets. And loves them anyway. These writers almost invariably credit their new partners as being of incalculably helpful to their healing process. So if this new partner is one you think is able to “go the distance”, the fact that he knows your past can actually be an enormous benefit to you. Again “can”, not “will”, because there’s no way to anticipate someone’s reaction to a story like yours.
If you view this relationship as one with long-term potential, my experience has been that it’s better to put the cards on the table before you’re both too heavily invested. But don’t take that to mean I think that’s the only course. I find I get a lot less stressed with all the questions answered rather than still pending.
But that’s a call you’ll have to make for yourself. Whatever decision you make, I hope things work out well for you and that you’ll find happiness and most of all peace in this new relationship.
I was going to say exactly what Mojo said, so I’ll spare you the repetition.
I will say good luck and I hope that he is understanding and helpful if/when you decide to tell him.
I am in a situation at the moment, I have now met the man of my dreams having been in two failed relationships, one with the father of my children and the other in a loveless relationship. I chose to tell my partner everything about both relationships because I thought it better to lay my cards on the table, the problem is that all he ever wants to talk about now are those failed relationships and he tells me things don’t add up. I often become defensive and today for the first time I could not speak to him. I dont really have any advice but to say as was said above its not always better to lay your life on the table. My partner cannot understand my past and I cant make him and that will be a problem as he does not believe that we can have a future if he cant understand my previous life decisions and the failed relationships. I love him so very much but I cant see an end to the questions until I can make him understand why i got into those relationships and furthermore endured them for so long. Apparently I told him too much and he has visions of my in those relationships which he does not appreciate. I say dont tell your new partner anything about your past until you know what s/he can handle.
I’m currently debating the “to tell or not to tell” argument right now in a new relationship. There are so many variables with it. It’s a twofold issue with me in that my history with abuse/sexual assault/pedophilia victim is a long one. It’s always been a part of my history and I’ve found in disclosing my past in previous relationships that the reception has been….well, kind of awful and not what I wanted at all. These are the three reactions I’ve dealt with:
a) being treated like a victim. Legitimate concerns and relationship issues that I might have in the current relationship get “blown off” with my history being used as both an excuse and a weapon.
b) minimized/judged – “oh you don’t seem so bad”. (for a victim….)
c) targeted by men who want to play “saviour”. The minute I proved to be more resilient/capable/independent (read: not dependent) was the minute those partners checked out and found my replacement (usually someone more f’d up than me.)
The obvious answer – these guys were the WRONG guys for me.
But this is the the second fold: all of that experience has made me yearn for a relationship where that’s not tainted by my past. And I guess a part of me feels that I can experience some of that by not disclosing. Except, it does affect me, it did shape who I am…and by not letting my partner know (for that reason) I’m building a relationship with magical thinking and fairy dust.