a) being treated like a victim. Legitimate concerns and relationship issues that I might have in the current relationship get “blown off” with my history being used as both an excuse and a weapon.

b) minimized/judged – “oh you don’t seem so bad”. (for a victim….)

c) targeted by men who want to play “saviour”. The minute I proved to be more resilient/capable/independent (read: not dependent) was the minute those partners checked out and found my replacement (usually someone more f’d up than me.)

The obvious answer – these guys were the WRONG guys for me.

But this is the the second fold: all of that experience has made me yearn for a relationship where that’s not tainted by my past. And I guess a part of me feels that I can experience some of that by not disclosing. Except, it does affect me, it did shape who I am…and by not letting my partner know (for that reason) I’m building a relationship with magical thinking and fairy dust.

I will say good luck and I hope that he is understanding and helpful if/when you decide to tell him.

In a very general way, I agree with everyone who’s commented here. Your story is yours to share – or not – with whomever you choose (unless part or all of it is a matter of public record, in which case your choices are limited). If your new partner is the man you think he is, he’ll respect that.

At the same time, if you’re holding back on telling the story because you’re afraid of losing him, you may very well bring about the thing you’re trying to avoid. People in relationships – beyond the casual variety at least – generally want to know the person they’re involved with — warts and all. If they feel shut out, it can be damaging to the relationship as a whole. I say “can be”, not “will be” because like most things there are no absolutes. But consider what your response would be if you thought he was keeping something from you.

Finally, one theme I read over and over again in the survivor stories here is one in which the writer has now found someone who understands them, who is not abusive and who has heard all of their deep dark secrets. And loves them anyway. These writers almost invariably credit their new partners as being of incalculably helpful to their healing process. So if this new partner is one you think is able to “go the distance”, the fact that he knows your past can actually be an enormous benefit to you. Again “can”, not “will”, because there’s no way to anticipate someone’s reaction to a story like yours.

If you view this relationship as one with long-term potential, my experience has been that it’s better to put the cards on the table before you’re both too heavily invested. But don’t take that to mean I think that’s the only course. I find I get a lot less stressed with all the questions answered rather than still pending.

But that’s a call you’ll have to make for yourself. Whatever decision you make, I hope things work out well for you and that you’ll find happiness and most of all peace in this new relationship.

Good luck – and congratulations for getting away from an abusive situation and giving yourself a second chance.

Slowly and steadily and at a pace with which YOU are comfortable share when YOU feel it is appropriate share but always remember now EVERYTHING is your choice. You have worked hard to be in a place where the decisions are yours alone. May all the of us live well.