Wednesday Q&A: With warning signs so subtle and disguised, how do I see them and what am I looking for?
QUESTION
We’ve discussed what to do if you know or suspect that someone is being abused. But there’s another question. It’s one I’ve pondered often, but it was really brought to the top of the heap by a quote from a friend and neighbor of Carolyn Cox. The friend, Jim Wester, said, “If you suspect something, then you start looking for clues; but if you don’t suspect something, you are not looking for clues, and neither one of us suspected anything.”
And he’s 100% right. How many times have we read in these stories on VU that the friends and family never suspected anything was wrong? How often does the victim herself/himself not recognize something is wrong? I think — I hope anyway — that most people would take some kind of action if they knew or suspected someone they knew was being abused. But it’s not as if the victims wear a scarlet letter that identifies them. And because of the nature of the problem, victims become very skilled at hiding it — even from themselves.
I frequently tell myself I’m “seeing a victim behind every tree”. And then I realize that’s because there actually is a victim behind every tree. So how do I tell the difference between the true victim and the one I’m seeing as a victim but actually isn’t? With signs so subtle and so carefully disguised, how do I see them? What am I looking for?
ANSWER
Thanks for this question. It reminds me of this recent post, in which the writer describes reaching out to a stranger after witnessing a verbally abusive incident. This is how she describes her first impression of the man and woman involved: “She looked tired and defeated. He looked agitated and twitchy. As soon as I saw them, I knew what kind of relationship they had.”
Letter writer, you are right–it’s often not as simple as seeing bruises or burn marks or witnessing one person berating another. And you’re right, too, that some survivors work hard to hide their abuse or explain it away. I suppose there may be times no one sees the signs because they’re so subtle or disguised. But the post above reminds us that even the subtlest of signs can act as bold, red flags.
More often, I suspect we don’t see the signs because we don’t want to see them, or we’re not trained to see them, or we don’t want to rock boats, or we’ve bought into that widespread notion that it’s none of our business anyway, or we’re ignoring that internal alarm system that tells us, “hey, something’s not right here.” We want to think of our loved ones as happy and fine. They hand us their lives as neatly wrapped packages, shiny and tied with bows, and then hope we never open the box and look inside. And too often, the rest of us oblige.
Last weekend I had dinner with a friend from out of state who recently went through a divorce. Her husband never hit her, but he obliterated her self-esteem. He screamed at her and called her names and made her feel worthless and ugly.
After they separated, friends congratulated her. “We never liked the way he treated you,” they said. These responses made her mad–her friends had known something wasn’t right, but they never spoke up or expressed concern for her well-being. “If he’d beaten me, they would have said something–but nobody was willing to say anything about how he battered my spirit,” my friend said.
To me, her story underscores the necessity that we speak up, in ways that are safe and confidential and nonjudgmental, every time we can. Every time we suspect something is wrong. Yes, from the outsider’s perspective, there can be a wide, muddy line between a relationship that is abusive and one that is simply unhappy. Some of the signs may be similar, but at their roots, they are very different.
Below is a starter list of some of those subtler signs of abuse. This list is not exclusive, nor do any of these signs necessarily mean abuse is occurring. But these are signs to watch for, characteristics that should snag your attention and make you think:
- A need to make the relationship appear perfect to friends and family
- Worry over saying the wrong thing
- Needing to get permission from one’s partner before taking action
- Unease over making decisions on one’s own
- Excessive excuse-making for the partner’s behavior
- Unwillingness (or inability) to disagree with one’s partner in public
- Any exhibition, however subtle, of fear or anxiety in the presence of one’s partner
- Any statement like, “My partner would never let me do that,” or “Oh no, my partner is going to be really angry,” or “My partner doesn’t let me [fill in the blank].”
- Excessive canceling of social engagements, paired with excuses that strike you as off
- Flinching easily; regularly appearing distracted or overly anxious
- Disengaging from activities or hobbies they once enjoyed
- Being regularly late to work; making mistakes or forgetting things in a way that is out of character
- Suddenly becoming overly private or withdrawn
I would love to hear what readers think — what would you add to this list?
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. Most recently, she has worked for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com .
3 Responses to “Wednesday Q&A: With warning signs so subtle and disguised, how do I see them and what am I looking for?”
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I’m not sure if I’m extending the first four or consolidating them (or even making sense at all) but I think it might get my spider sense tingling if I saw a dynamic between two people that didn’t seem like a normal relationship between two adults. By that I mean it would seem more like a parent/child or teacher/pupil or in some cases even dog/master relationship. In my hypothetical couple, you’d probably see him “correcting” her, even over the most trivial of things, and her accepting that he was correct (and that she was wrong) without questioning why. (I know, it could just as easily be her correcting him, it’s just easier to write it this way.) He might not be overtly “abusive” in the ways we’d customarily think of it. He probably wouldn’t even raise his voice. He probably wouldn’t have to.
Because at this point, she accepts that everything he says or does is correct — because he said/did it. Her will is broken, and her entire concept of “self” is gone. She has become an appendage of him, with no value of her own. In her mind she is only defined in relative terms — relative to him.
And she’s going to be very, very difficult — if not impossible — to reach.
That’s what I might add to the list, but I’m certainly not an expert and would welcome any kind of feedback on it.
Trust your gut. Something inside you senses when something is wrong. It’s not your fault if you miss it, but don’t ignore that feeling. You know something is wrong when she won’t meet your eyes. You know she is pulling back when he hands and balled up. You’ll feel it more than you will see it though. Be careful about your intervention. You don’t want to endanger her by trying to save her.
Wow…Ive been reading your site all morning and stumbled on this particular blog, and to my suprise, I fit every sign.