Comments on: Wednesday Q&A: With warning signs so subtle and disguised, how do I see them and what am I looking for? http://violenceunsilenced.com/wednesday-qa-with-warning-signs-so-subtle-and-disguised-how-do-i-see-them-and-what-am-i-looking-for/ Violence UnSilenced: Shedding light on domestic violence and sexual abuse/assault by giving survivors a voice. Thu, 09 Sep 2010 00:01:21 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Melanie http://violenceunsilenced.com/wednesday-qa-with-warning-signs-so-subtle-and-disguised-how-do-i-see-them-and-what-am-i-looking-for/#comment-9849 Melanie Sun, 09 May 2010 15:16:41 +0000 http://violenceunsilenced.com/?p=789#comment-9849 Wow...Ive been reading your site all morning and stumbled on this particular blog, and to my suprise, I fit every sign. Wow…Ive been reading your site all morning and stumbled on this particular blog, and to my suprise, I fit every sign.

]]> By: Jennifer http://violenceunsilenced.com/wednesday-qa-with-warning-signs-so-subtle-and-disguised-how-do-i-see-them-and-what-am-i-looking-for/#comment-7348 Jennifer Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:59:04 +0000 http://violenceunsilenced.com/?p=789#comment-7348 Trust your gut. Something inside you senses when something is wrong. It's not your fault if you miss it, but don't ignore that feeling. You know something is wrong when she won't meet your eyes. You know she is pulling back when he hands and balled up. You'll feel it more than you will see it though. Be careful about your intervention. You don't want to endanger her by trying to save her. Trust your gut. Something inside you senses when something is wrong. It’s not your fault if you miss it, but don’t ignore that feeling. You know something is wrong when she won’t meet your eyes. You know she is pulling back when he hands and balled up. You’ll feel it more than you will see it though. Be careful about your intervention. You don’t want to endanger her by trying to save her.

]]> By: Mojo http://violenceunsilenced.com/wednesday-qa-with-warning-signs-so-subtle-and-disguised-how-do-i-see-them-and-what-am-i-looking-for/#comment-6895 Mojo Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:36:52 +0000 http://violenceunsilenced.com/?p=789#comment-6895 I'm not sure if I'm extending the first four or consolidating them (or even making sense at all) but I think it might get my spider sense tingling if I saw a dynamic between two people that didn't seem like a normal relationship between two adults. By that I mean it would seem more like a parent/child or teacher/pupil or in some cases even dog/master relationship. In my hypothetical couple, you'd probably see him "correcting" her, even over the most trivial of things, and her accepting that he was correct (and that she was wrong) without questioning why. (I know, it could just as easily be her correcting him, it's just easier to write it this way.) He might not be overtly "abusive" in the ways we'd customarily think of it. He probably wouldn't even raise his voice. He probably wouldn't have to. Because at this point, she accepts that everything he says or does is correct -- because he said/did it. Her will is broken, and her entire concept of "self" is gone. She has become an appendage of him, with no value of her own. In her mind she is only defined in relative terms -- relative to him. And she's going to be very, very difficult -- if not impossible -- to reach. That's what I might add to the list, but I'm certainly not an expert and would welcome any kind of feedback on it. I’m not sure if I’m extending the first four or consolidating them (or even making sense at all) but I think it might get my spider sense tingling if I saw a dynamic between two people that didn’t seem like a normal relationship between two adults. By that I mean it would seem more like a parent/child or teacher/pupil or in some cases even dog/master relationship. In my hypothetical couple, you’d probably see him “correcting” her, even over the most trivial of things, and her accepting that he was correct (and that she was wrong) without questioning why. (I know, it could just as easily be her correcting him, it’s just easier to write it this way.) He might not be overtly “abusive” in the ways we’d customarily think of it. He probably wouldn’t even raise his voice. He probably wouldn’t have to.

Because at this point, she accepts that everything he says or does is correct — because he said/did it. Her will is broken, and her entire concept of “self” is gone. She has become an appendage of him, with no value of her own. In her mind she is only defined in relative terms — relative to him.

And she’s going to be very, very difficult — if not impossible — to reach.

That’s what I might add to the list, but I’m certainly not an expert and would welcome any kind of feedback on it.

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