Wendy
My name is Wendy and this is my story.
I was 17 years old when I met Andrew where I worked. He would cruise through and I thought he was the coolest thing since sliced bread. I was currently dating Scot, who was three years older than I and the love of my life. I guess at the time I had no idea what I really wanted, so I chased after a person who I could look cool next to and dumped my fabulous boyfriend.
Three months into the relationship I discovered that Andrew had anger problems. Let me correct myself, RAGE problems. He was my age, too, and was very insecure about himself. He tried to portray himself as a badass to all of his friends when inside he was weak. He had family problems that I won’t get into, just know that he didn’t deal with his feelings about them like he should have.
I don’t remember why he became angry at me (like most times), but when I tried to leave he hung inside my car door to try and keep me there. His mother came out and defended me. He then chased her with a shovel and threatened her. His own mother.
I left and felt bad — as I always did — so I went back.
This kind of game went on over the course of about five years. There was one time that he held a gun to my head and threatened if I ever left him, he’d kill me. And I believed him.
Andrew also had a drinking problem. One night after he had had about 4 40ozs., I showed up at his house after work. He wanted me to perform a certain sexual act which was beyond anything I’d ever allow myself to do and I refused. He verbally abused me and so I did what I didn’t want to do. When I hadn’t done a satisfactory job because I was crying too much, he proceeded to beat me with a billy club. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s a police baton. He beat me so bad that I had serious bruising all over my back and head. I nearly lost consciousness at one point, but had to force myself to stay together because I knew if I lost consciousness that would piss him off even more. He eventually threw up and passed out and I left immediately.
The next day he asked how I got all of those bruises. I was honest.
I think because of this beating that some damage was done to me that still to this day causes me problems now, ten years later.
***
Usually whenever he beat me it was over some stupid reason, like the time we were at Best Buy and I had to pay for his stuff because he didn’t get his credit card out of the bag I told him it was in the night before. (He was drunk). When we got in the car, he grabbed my arm and when I showed fear, he backhanded me across the face. My lip started bleeding and on the way home he told me to stop crying or he’d do it again. So I sucked it up.
Another incident that was pretty severe was right before I was leaving for work, he was mad about something and threw my boots at me. He then came over and pinned me on the couch by sitting on my lap. He cursed and spit in my face as he yelled at me. He clenched his hands around my throat and started pounding me against the couch. He became so enraged that he then bit my nose and I swore I thought he was going to bite it off. He then threw me onto the floor where he continued to choke me and slammed me against the floor. He finally stopped and I left for work. My boss noticed my wounds and just had this astonished look on his face. He asked about them, but I denied any problems.
Most of the time whenever people saw Andrew abusing me, they turned the other cheek and didn’t get involved. I guess they were afraid of what he’d do to them.
I finally escaped from Andrew one day when he was at work. I wrote a Dear John letter and left it in his recliner. I then went into hiding for a few months. I quit my job and didn’t work. The first time I tried to stay with my mother, I had made the decision at about 10pm or so. As I was driving close to her street, I saw Andrew going in and out of roads trying to figure out where she lived. (My parents had divorced and bought new places and he didn’t know where. He had an idea of where my mother had lived.)
I turned my car around and went back to my dad’s place. I needed a job, so I went to work at another location. He found out. So I had to let him back into my life because I was found. I did whatever it took to appease him and to keep things peaceful. I continued to do this for another year plus. I didn’t move back into his house and it was making him anxious and he kept asking me when I was going to.
In the meantime, when I’d leave his house to go home and sleep, I was actually sneaking out and going to clubs with friends and co-workers. I was having fun.
Before my 23rd birthday, I finally made the decision to leave him for good. It was with the help of two of my co-workers that I managed to do so. I called him right then and there and told him I was tired of it all and that I wanted to leave him. He agreed that things between us weren’t working out (pfft) and we parted ways. This was a suprise to me how well he handled it.
I no longer called him. I did go into hiding and I stayed with my co-worker briefly. I lived with my mother, but I constantly stayed out at night just to avoid being at home in case he came looking for me. I continued to live in fear, but it eventually subsided, especially after I moved to another city.
***
I now live with my husband and two-year-old boy, the loves of my life. I no longer have fear. I wish ill-harm upon him anytime I think of him, but I know what goes around comes around and eventually he will get what’s coming to him. These incidents aren’t all I went through in the five years plus that I was with him, but it’s enough for me to remember how I never want to stay in a situation where I’m involved in domestic violence again. I know I had part in this by not taking care of myself sooner, but I can now recognize the signs of someone who is likely to be abusive.
I am now a counselor of teenage girls at a well renowned treatment center. I am able to help others who went through what I went through. It’s the greatest gift I can give.
One thing I want to ask of people is whenever they suspect abuse, please try to help any way you can. Don’t ignore it thinking that the abused will deal with it on their own because most are too paralyzed by fear to do so. All victims want out, most just feel hopeless and helpless and like they have nowhere to go and no one to turn to.
***
Wendy blogs at A Jill of All Trades.
33 Responses to “Wendy”
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[...] A couple of months ago I decided to share my story and today it has finally been posted on the website. If you are interested or if you, too would like to share your story, go here: Violence Unsilenced. [...]
It’s astonishing how often people around us turn their backs so as not to have to see ugliness. I’m glad you shared this story, glad you got out of that alive and glad you get to share your hope with young girls now.
Hopefully, too, your story will remind people to be suspicious, be nosy, be intrusive – if they suspect abuse. Sooo many women are lost because no one took the initiate and demanded to save their life.
Thank you again for your story.
Yours is a shining example of how vicious the cycle is.
No one wants this to happen to them. but it does. And many times, you just don’t know how to make it stop.
You could look at 50 people without necessarily recognizing the abusers – until you see them in action. And by then, it’s too late.
Very glad that you escaped and I think it’s marvelous that you are working to try and spare others. Ecstatic that you have found some happiness. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you so much for writing this. Hopefully it will help someone … Even if it’s just one person.
I am really thankful for the comments and anyone who reads my story.
My goal in life is to at least try to help just one person.
May it be you.
…“Most of the time whenever people saw Andrew abusing me, they turned the other cheek and didn’t get involved. I guess they were afraid of what he’d do to them.”…
Rewind to a summer night in 1976 at a grocery store in my hometown. I saw. I heard. I was 16 and yes, I was scared of that guy.
I did nothing.
And it’s haunted me for 32 — almost 33 — years that I never knew what happened after we all left that store. I hope with all of my being that she found the same strength you did and got out. But I’ll probably never know. I”ll carry that question to my grave in all likelihood.
So your story hits me especially hard. They all do, but this one more than most because I can see myself in it.
But you got out. You got away and you’re safe now. So … maybe she did too.
It’s cold comfort, but it’s welcome all the same.
Thank you.
“One thing I want to ask of people is whenever they suspect abuse, please try to help any way you can. Don’t ignore it thinking that the abused will deal with it on their own because most are too paralyzed by fear to do so. All victims want out, most just feel hopeless and helpless and like they have nowhere to go and no one to turn to.”
I briefly lived in an abusive home as a teenager. My stepfather was abusive towards my mother, but not my sister or me. I watched it over and over and every time I tried to do something to stop it, she told me not to. That it woudl only make it worse, that he would only turn on me. It kills me to this day that I listened. Luckily, we got out and she is now happily married to a man who would never lay a hand on her.
Thank you for being brave enough to tell your story.
This reminds me to speak up. To not look the other way when you see someone hurting. I wish the people around you had done that sooner. But it’s wonderful you found that coworker to lean on, to help you get out.
I am always amazed at the resilience of human beings and how they are able to reach down in the deepest corners of their soul to find a way to survive. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story and for inspiring courage in others.
I can’t know, but I hope, that I am never that person who turns away from someone who needs help.
I am glad you are safe now.
xo
Very brave. So sorry things like this ever happen to anyone.
It is so great that you are helping others.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
thank you for sharing. thank you for leaving an abusive relationship.
You are an inspiration. To turn what happened into something positive for someone else is truly amazing.
I love how you, along with the authors of many of the earlier stories posted here, have gone on to work with others in similar situations. What a shining example of being a true winner!
Turning a blind eye to the victim of a crime is totally different than turning the other cheek. I am so sorry that so many people let you down. Thanks for sharing your story.
A number of years ago I worked closely with a woman who I respected. She was always strong, ballsy, outspoken. One day, she came to work with a bloody eye, and claimed she fell, or didn’t know what happened.
She had mentioned little things about her boyfriend, but nothing that really set off flags in my eyes.
Later I found out he was beating her regularily. The one time she tried to fight back, he turned off the lights so she couldn’t see it coming, and beat her into unconsciousness.
I have felt horrible ever since that I never helped her escape, never listened when I know (now) that she was trying to open up to me about what was happening. And I’ve sworn that the next time I think something is going on, I will ask.
Thank you for sharing, and reminding me of this silent pledge to my friend.
I’m so glad you got out. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your story. Every survivor offers hope to someone feeling like they still can’t leave. That somehow they are different. Or they’ve tried before and gone back. Love how you left several times, and although you went back, you did end up leaving for good!
Thank you for sharing your story – and the reminder that someone who is being abused NEEDS someone to say something to them, to offer them help.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, but I’m glad you got out. Thank you for being so brave.
I volunteer and ride an ambulance once a week. Numerous times people ask me why I do it… I’ve never known why, but I need to do it.
Your story made me realize… It’s so I can help people who can’t help themselves. I can be the person that doesn’t look the other way. Thank you. Thank you for helping me understand my purpose.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Never ceases to amaze me how many bad choices we all make in our lives. I understand just how much ‘bad choices’ can change the course of our lives.
I’m glad you had the courage to change the course of your life and that you have love and are safe.
This story makes me think about my own two daughters and how scared I am to think of the possibility of them someday dating someone like Andrew. I am so glad that you found the courage to leave and make a better life for yourself. I’m so sorry for all that you went through…my best to you.
Amazing how abusers fuel their anger at themselves with violence against other people. Shoot, as long as he was mad at you, he didn’t have to examine the ugliness in himself.
So glad you finally got out, and now have the peace in life you so richly deserve.
I remember a few days after a beating my next door neighbor admitting he had heard the screams and things breaking, he didn’t want to be a pest and disturb us. I looked at him dumbfounded. I would of rather a bad neighbor butting in than have had that beating.
So many have the view, if you’re dumb enough to live with it you deserve what you get….??? They couldn’t be more wrong. Sometimes we really don’t know how to leave it.
Thankfully these days the victim doesn’t necessarily have to press charges. The abuser gets investigated and charged without testimony. All it takes is someone to care enough to make that phone call or to reach out a hand. Honestly if someone else didn’t care…I wouldn’t be here today.
Thanks for sharing your story! It takes amazing courage and strength to go there. (Hugs)Indigo
Thank you for sharing your story…I am sure it will help more than one person…it’s all about planting seeds, and you just planted a field of positive hope.
I think people give up on helping because they get frustrated when the victim goes back…what they need to understand is each time he/she goes back, he/she does so a little stonger, and more aware.
With continued support one day they will realize they are worth so much more, and deserve all the help they recieve…
Never give up on them..that’s the message you’ve sent.
Wendy,
I read your story not wanting to believe that someone else had been there. Through my tears I flashed to my own life and tremble. I thank you for having the courage and the strength to tell your own story and I thank you for being strong enough at last to leave. And lastly, but certainly not least, thank you for showing our young women that love doesn’t hurt! You’re a blessing to me and to so many others.
Thank you for sharing your story.
i would LOVE some practical suggestions on how to help someone in your situation
This story definitely needed to be told. It’s so sad that people are unwilling to get involved to help others in need. I am guilty of it myself. Abuse is a terrifying thing. Getting involved is scary too, but it needs to be done. Because EVERY life is worth saving. Thank you.
I have read all of the comments and greatly appreciate you guys reading my story and responding to it.
Thank you so much!