Wife and Mommy
The following survivor story was written by Wife and Mommy. She also blogs at DC Metro Moms Blog.
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I never thought it would happen to me.
Does anyone really believe it’s in their future to be raped? It’s only been recently that I’ve been able to say that I am a victim of rape, and this happened more than thirteen years ago.
He was my high school sweetheart. We’d dated for two years, which in high school-speak meant we were practically engaged. We were a bit of a golden couple, both of us captains of our athletic teams, honor roll students and happy. Even after we broke up, we were still very close friends. He told me about the girls he was dating; I asked his opinion on guys. We hung out together when we were both dateless on weekend nights, shared hot fries from McDonald’s and talked on the phone all the time.
College took us to different places, but we still kept in touch and saw each other when we were both home. I was his date for several of his formal events. He came to visit me at my campus, and made all my roommates swoon. He was one of my best friends, and I loved him dearly.
After graduating from college, he went on his way to a new job in a new city while I stayed in our hometown to work. One Friday, he showed up on my apartment’s doorstep. A conference had brought him to town for the weekend! Excited, we settled in for a night of catching up and hanging out. We cracked open a bottle of tequila and played silly drinking games.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve gotten stupidly drunk; This was time number two. Not much remains in my memory of what happened that night. What I do remember is very out-of-body, as if I were floating in the corner of my room looking down on the scene below. I was naked in my bed. He was on top of me and inside of me and it hurt. I had never had intercourse before — was it supposed to hurt so much? I was groaning and panicked. I think he took it to mean pleasure.
I woke up alone. My private parts were burning and I felt red and raw all over. I was so ashamed — I couldn’t even remember all of what had happened. I blamed myself because I’d drunk myself unconscious. I took a hot shower and I pulled myself together as best as I could. My roommate saw my brave face and gently asked if I was okay. I softly told her what happened with my eyes down. She apologized that she hadn’t come in — she’d thought she’d heard something from her room on the other side of the apartment, but wasn’t sure as she’d been drunk herself. She felt horrible even though I assured her she shouldn’t.
I moved through the rest of that weekend in a daze. My best friend. Quite honestly, had he asked me to have sex, I might have done it out of love for him. I had vowed to remain a virgin until marriage, and now I wasn’t sure I still fit the definition. I just knew this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.
I told my big sister, who didn’t have words for me. Yet she and my roommate both did the same loving thing for me. In that day and age, the term “date rape” was just becoming a familiar one. Talk shows were covering the topic. My roommate taped an episode of Sally Jessy Raphael on the topic. My sister also taped a talk show — maybe it was Rikki Lake, I can’t remember. Quietly, and without knowing the other had done the same, they each gave me those tapes.
I never watched either of those shows. I didn’t speak about this experience for a long while. I never even really broke down and cried about it. I was so ashamed, and felt it was my fault because I’d been drunk. So I suppressed it, hoping that if I didn’t think about it, all would be fine and I wouldn’t be affected anymore. Nothing was farther from the truth, of course. It affected me every single day, with every relationship I had, with every encounter I had with anyone.
A few years later I spilled this story to a co-worker, who hugged me close and told me I had been raped. She told me I wasn’t to blame. That I’d been wronged. That my drinking didn’t nullify what he had done to me. That I could be helped. I found a therapist and cried a river. I was no longer in shock. I was able to examine what had happened. I learned from it and no longer allowed it to own me.
I never heard from my “best friend” again after that night. I guess that’s not a surprise. I don’t know where he is anymore, and I’m fine with that.
52 Responses to “Wife and Mommy”
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Oh, I’m so so sorry that this happened to you. I’m so sorry that he raped you. What a terrible betrayal. Thank you for sharing what happened to you, although I have no doubt that writing this was painful. This violence absolutely must stop.
I feel so sorry that you had to go through that. You’re right that so many women find themselves blaming themselves after being raped. They think it was their fault–if they hadnt have done (blank) then (blank) wouldn’t have happened. It affects them throughout their lives and especially in their relationships. It is empowering to not let it own you anymore.
I’m so sorry this happened.
The act is so horrid, but the double whammy of a good friend..I’m so sorry, on both counts.
This is the very reason so many sexual assaults go unreported. The victims blame themselves, and in many cases, other people blame them too — even if they don’t say as much. In many ways stories like yours are even more awful than those who are assaulted by strangers. Because as Marinka pointed out, you have an added element of betrayal. Especially in a case like this where it was someone who called himself your friend — your best friend even.
Thank you for speaking out. Even if it’s not possible to prosecute your attacker, it empowers you and it empowers others who find themselves in the same situation. IT could not have been easy to revisit that time in your life, but whether it’s ever apparent to you or not, you’ve done a great service to someone somewhere who’s battling the same demons.
And perhaps made a bit of peace for yourself along the way. At least I hope so.
wow thanks for sharing. What a difficult situation but yes he was in the wrong. and he must know so to have never contacted you again (thank goodness)
I think it was very brave of you to tell this story. I’m very sorry this happened to you.
Thank you for sharing your story. It will make a difference in someone else’s life.
You are so brave to share this story. Not only brave to bare your own heart, but to do so to help other women. I can’t imagine a bigger breach of trust, a deeper violation, that being raped by someone you claimed and held fast to as a friend.
Squeezing your hand…
*sigh*
much love and hugs your way…. you are brave to share this, and i salute a survivor.
I guess the really good news here is that he wasn’t brazen enough to act like nothing happened. And, if nothing DID happen for him to be ashamed of why wouldn’t he contact you?
So sorry this happened to you. Sounds like you have at least started to make your peace with it. Know that it was NOT your fault.
Wow – I never would have expected this from someone like that. No wonder it was so hard for you to talk about it. I am so sorry you had to go through this.
Thank you so much for sharing this story – I know it had to be incredibly difficult.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Without a doubt, it will help other women who have been in your situation, thinking it’s their fault. I hope you’ve been able to find some peace of mind.
You are so brave to share this story. Thank you.
Sending lots of hugs your way today…
Big comfy Grandma hugs—and a BRAVA for your courage to speak.
I am so sorry for you. But what others have said is true. By writing this you have helped others. This was a big eye opener for me. I intend to share this with my daughter, so that she will avoid drinking more than a small amount so that she is not exposed to such danger. When even trusted long time friends can commit such acts, it proves that there is NO safety when a person gets drunk. The drunken person is utterly vulnerable. And her drinking disabled your potential rescuer, your roommate. I can only hope that my daughter will remember your story any time she is tempted.
Let me be very clear here – your drinking does not in ANY WAY whatsoever nullify what this man did to you. And it is NOT “your fault” that this happened. I am not saying that. But as a mother, I read such accounts and try to figure out how to protect my own daughter. And my own son. I can’t fathom what it would be like to be in your shoes or your rapist’s shoes. But I want to make darned sure that neither of my children experience something similar. So I will share this with him as well, to make sure he understands the dangers of drinking too much. I don’t want him to have a lifetime of regrets and shame over something he did because of too much alcohol.
I’ve seen how it affects people and changes their whole personality and actions. And how the next day they have no recollection of things they’ve done or said. Don’t get me wrong – I like a cold beer or glass of wine or nice cocktail very much. But I’ve seen the extraordinary damage too much can do to families.
You’re in my thoughts. Take care.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. You are brave to speak out and I hope this will help make a difference in someone else’s life.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. You are very brave to write it. I’m glad you’re in a better place about it.
I’m so sorry that someone you trusted could betray that trust so horribly. you are a strong woman.
I am so sorry you were mistreated in this way – thank you for sharing your story. By putting this all into words, you are taking a little bit more of it’s power away every day and giving more and more power to yourself and other survivors – thank you.
I’m so sorry. Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
you are a hero – for speaking up, for telling your story, for believing it wasn’t your fault and for healing. i hope more women learn to speak up for themselves and be as brave as you have been.
Thank you for sharing what happened to you.
Brave doesn’t begin to cut what you are. You’re amazing. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I’m grateful to you for sharing this story …and I’m grateful to that co-worker that finally named you shame and opened up the floodgates that lead (or is still leading) to your healing.
Peace,
Lil
hug. thank you for sharing. our stories are similar in what happened and i am glad that you got help.
I am sorry HE took away your right to choose. Toss away the shame and don’t look back. This wasn’t your fault.
I’m so sorry, hon.
But I’m glad you shared this.
Sending love.
you know, i never really think too much about my first time.
i was 15. i was really drunk. he was 23. he carried me into the bedroom because i couldn’t walk. i don’t remember anything but excruciating pain and then vomiting all over him.
i threw up for two days straight and couldn’t pee for days without crying.
i figured it was my fault because i drank half a bottle of tequila and apparently was sitting on his lap. at least that’s what i’m told, i don’t have any recollection aside from random pictures and stories from others.
i’ve never called it rape, although some friends did.
now that i have a daughter, it shames me.
i still don’t know what i’m going to say when she asks me about losing my virginity.
I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you, and greatful that you spoke out. thank you for sharing your words create infinate ripples of hope in the universe.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Thanks for sharing that with us, and I hope writing it helped a bit in healing.
Hugs to you, my friend.
I think that this is a story that has happened to more women than some would think.
I’m glad you were able to get help through therapy.
Drinking or not, it wasn’t your fault. Don’t ever forget that–thank you for being brave here and sharing your story.
I’m sorry this happened, but I think it’s so important that no matter how long ago it was, you got it out there for the benefit of everyone who might be able to avoid such a thing happening today, and who might be able to label and thus better understand and move past a similar event in their own lives.
Who knows how many lives you have now salvaged before they will ever need salvaging?
Bless you for sharing. Maybe it’s wrong for me to feel this way, but I’m praying that your “friend” carries a heavy, heavy load in the burden of guilt. I’m taking his absence from your life as a blessing for you and an indication that he KNOWS he did WRONG!
What happened was not your fault! I wasn’t there, but there is no doubt that he knew what he did and what he took from you.
Peace,
I am so sorry, so very sorry he did that to you.
It wasn’t your fault, never your fault. Thank you, for being brave and letting it out here.
that definitely does not count as losing your virginity in my book.
I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story here, hopefully it will show someone else that it’s not their fault either.
Thank you for sharing, so that others know they are not to blame either. Just because someone is drinking does not make it OK, neither does his being your best friend. I am so sorry you had to go through this.
The most painful betrayal and hurt is it was someone you cared about and trusted. Never in a million years would you have thought he would do this to you.
The only one who should carry any shame is the so called friend that took something he had no right to take, while you were vulnerable and drinking. This took an amazing amount of courage to speak up and talk about. Thank you for the strength you took to tell your story. Perhaps another woman will read this and find some solace in your words. (Hugs)Indigo
I am so sorry.
It isn’t fair.
*sigh* I am so very, very sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. I’m glad you spoke out about it, sought help and shared your story here. You’re a strong, strong woman!
xoxox
Wow. That’s an incredible story. I’m so sorry that this is something you have to live with. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Stay Strong!
I wonder how many of us have had to be told by a sister, friend, roommate, etc. that it was, indeed, RAPE by our “friend.” Thank you for sharing your story. Mine also involves someone I trusted and thought was my friend. He had been set up for me as my fraternity “big brother” when I was a pledge in a sorority. Does that make the rape incest? Maybe he somehow knew that I was already an incest survivor (though I never told him with words).
It’s interesting that we never saw these “friends” again. They know what they did was wrong. They know they are rapists. That’s why they disappeared.
Thank you….that’s all I can say….thank you
My best friend’s fifteen year old daughter was just date raped. The amounts of emotions and lightning speeds of which they keep changing is absolutely suffocating me. She doesn’t live near me, several states away, so I’m limited as to what I can do in the way of support. Not to mention, I don’t even know what to do. Fortunately my friend is holding herself together and doing everything she possibly can to help her daugther through this.
I haven’t been able to visit this site as much as I’d like, so I was sitting here this morning reading through the posts when I found yours. I’m going to forward this to my friend because I think, at some point, her daughter will get something from it. The hardest thing, we hear about date rape all the time, but never really think about it. They were so sure they could trust him when they sent their little girl out the door with him with specific plans on where they were going and what they were doing.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I think it will help her to realize that there was nothing she could have done, nothing she should have seen, etc. There doesn’t have to be warnings or signs, there was no way for her to know. She’s so sweet and young… always so innocent. She needs to see that others have made it through this thing, and she can, too. Thank you for being strong enough to show that.
How awful and sad that your best friend let you down, hurt you and left you to deal with his betrayal. Hopefully the telling of this will let you be free.
Eaton.
Big hugs for you, honey. Big, big hugs. I have been there.
Unfortunately, so many of us think that because we love this person, it can be okay.
Its not okay.
And I’m glad that you have gotten peace from that.
I understand what you mean about wanting to wait for marriage and having it taken from you. How do you get that back??
I hope he hangs his head in shame every single time he thinks of you.
Alcohol should never be an excuse for anything. Not for commiting these horrendous acts on people nor for having them done to you.
Your rights remain in tact regardless.
Thank you for sharing!
This story is so similar to what happened to a friend of mine, that I had to double-check to make sure she hadn’t written it. It’s crushing what something like this does to our natural instinct for trust. I’m so sorry for what happened, and so glad you were able to tell your story. How could someone who called himself a friend hurt you this way?