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Because that's what you are.
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Okay, fine. It happened. Whatever. LORMETAZEPAM FOR SALE, No big deal. Lalalala.
I went numb. Shut down. I went on with my day-to-day life, but I was just going through the motions. Emotionally, I was hiding under my bed in the fetal position, LORMETAZEPAM FOR SALE. But I had reached a turning point. I finally stopped picking at the wound that Never Happened and it - and all the subsequent self-inflicted injuries - finally started to heal.
It took two more years for those wounds to scar over enough for me to trust any man again.
This year - more than 15 years after that night - I gingerly pried open the Never Happened again. LORMETAZEPAM FOR SALE, And I found, to my surprise, that the roaring, stabbing, blinding pain had been replaced by a dull ache, a small sting. It still hurts - it probably always will - but it's more like a phantom limb or a prickly old scar.
Looking at it without the red veil of pain, I could finally realize just how much I was driven, shaped, forged by the thing that Never Happened. And I decided that maybe it was time to shed just a little bit of light on my darkness. To finally admit to someone else that THIS DID HAPPEN. That it changed me, LORMETAZEPAM FOR SALE. That it's part of who I am.
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And yes, some tiny part of me still wants to lock the Never Happened back in its dark little box and embrace my old friend, Denial.
But 35-year-old me knows it's too late to change the things that made me, impossible to ignore or revise the history that brought me to where I am today.
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So. This is me.
Scars and all.
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
Wow. What a powerful story. Thank you for telling it, for expressing emotions and thoughts that I know others have and may not yet be able to express, themselves.
You are strong & courageous. Thank you for sharing.
You ARE good AND beautiful AND worthy of love !! You did NOT deserve it.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you so much for this. I put my own thing that never happened in a box about 20 years ago. I just recently opened it.
Thank you for sharing. I recently busted the lock open on my own little box right here on VU. You are a brave, strong, beautiful woman.
This made my heart hurt. I'm sorry. I'm listening - I'm glad you're telling your story and opening up that box so you can heal.
RT @MyBottlesUp: RT @MaggieDammit: Please support yesterday's survivor if you haven't had the chance yet: http://violenceunsilenced.com/zm/
Please support yesterday's survivor if you haven't had the chance yet: http://violenceunsilenced.com/zm/
ZM - healing can only happen when the pain is exposed to light. You are brave to have exposed your pain to light on this site. Keep up the hard work!
ZM- thank you for sharing. That box must still be frighting to open. Thank you for opening it here. We love you, scars and all.
It's so true. Even though there is the nightmarish pain of the past, it allows the sufferer to see through it and use the experience in a positive way -- even if that's just being able to understand other women and their experiences.
Thank you for sharing.
Denial never does anything but fill that scabbed-over wound with poison and pus. Good for you for having the courage to open it back up and clean it out.
It's a very, very hard thing to do.
And I too wish I could go back and hug that 18-year-old girl you were...
RT @MaggieDammit Please support today's #violenceunsilenced survivor: http://violenceunsilenced.com/zm/
I'm not sure I can add very much to what's already been said. I'm not sure I can come up with anything that I haven't said to countless others here and elsewhere. But even though your story is tragically similar to so many others, we're not talking about "others" here. We're talking about you. The 18-year-old you who did nothing to bring this upon herself, and the 35-year-old you who still blames her to some degree. And the every-other-age-between you who endured so much that she never should have had to.
Maybe you're still second-guessing yourself. "If I hadn't gone, if I hadn't had so much to drink, if, if, if..." If that's true, if you're still asking those questions, you can stop now. Because no matter how much you drank, it did not give those men license to violate you. These are supposed to be "men of honor, with a commitment to something greater" -- or so the commercials would have us believe. But there was only dishonor in what they did to you. Dishonor and a repugnant level of disrespect for another human being.
If there is guilt to be borne, if there is shame to be felt, it should lie with them, not with you. And I get the sense that you're coming to realize that now, half a lifetime later. It grieves me that it took so long, grieves me that you had no one to turn to for comfort, grieves me that you spent so many years alone in the dark. I hate that you had to find your way to this place you are now on your own.
But I'm so very thankful that you found it. So grateful for your courage in sharing it so that the next 18-year-old girl who thinks of filing her story under "Never Happened" won't have to.
I wish only good for you, only peace, only light. You've already had a lifetime's worth of darkness. And I hope with all I am that you have found the comfort here that eluded you all these years.
RT @angelia_t: RT @MyBottlesUp: RT @MaggieDammit: Please support today's #violenceunsilenced survivor: http://violenceunsilenced.com/zm/
Your story is so chillingly close to mine (http://violenceunsilenced.com/wife-and-mommy/)...not in the actual incident, but the thoughts and processing afterwards. I know that what happened to me is a part of me now, as much as I don't want it to be. The box of Never Happened will not stay closed, and Denial...she's a tough friend, right? Keeps coming back.
Thanks for sharing and may you find healing and peace.
Nic, yours was the first post I ever commented on here on VU. Because your story hit very close to home for me. Thank you.
Thanks to everyone for your comments. Honestly, the bravery and fortitude of the women on this site leaves me humbled and awed.
May your strength and love for yourself continue to grow and help you to finally forgive your younger self. Thank you for sharing.
ZM, thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for what happened to you.
Please know that the 18-year-old girl from the past *was* good and beautiful and worthy of love, and did not deserve it one bit, in any way.
Please know also that the 35-year-old you in the here is now is *also* good and beautiful and worthy of love, and that you deserve recognition for your bravery and your fortitude, and peace for all the days of the future.
You're in my thoughts.
thank you for opening your box here and in this space. being a drugged rape survivor myself (my story is archived here in VU), i applaud the way you are embracing this part of who you are... a survivor.
congratulations and i wish you continued healing as time goes on.
First off - I can only express how deeply sorry I am for what happened. I don't know you personally, I wasn't responsible for it yet I feel awful for you.
I think what you've done here: opening up, scars and all is a wonderful thing.
Too many women experience what you've gone through in one way or another and it's wonderful and uplifting to see that no matter what, you found the strength you never knew you had to come through the other end.
I'm deeply sorry for your experience. You are a very strong woman, to deal with it now.
And my husband (a former Marine) would like me to tell you that he's ashamed of and disgusted by these "brothers" in the Corps.
congratulations to you for coming through this nightmare and being able to start to heal and shed the light. for realizing that no matter what has happened in your life, you are still you and have been strong and beautiful through it all, even when you didn't know it.
We all have our boxes, locked away in a dusty corner.
I'm so glad that, finally, all these years later, you were able crack yours open, take a peek and know that you are healing.
You're so strong and I admire you.
I always always put my molestation in a box on a shelf, for many reasons. And only by holding the box, and firmly opening the lid and looking in it's eyes was I able to begin moving past it.
Thank you for reminding me how strong we can be. Thank you for showing us how strong you are.