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BUY IMITREX OVER THE COUNTER, I used to sit on the other side of the desk.  How is that for irony.

When I graduated from college, IMITREX no rx, IMITREX coupon, I took a job in a domestic violence shelter.  I hadn't given domestic violence more than a passing thought in the first 22 years of my life but with my shiny new psychology BA in hand, I discovered my passion.  I loved my work.  I devoted my life to my shelter for years.  I worked to make sure my clients knew it wasn't their fault.  I planted seeds of hope.  I stood between abusive spouses and their children because no one was going to hurt them on my watch.  I listened to stories.  I dried tears.  I gave pep talks.  I fought back my own tears when a woman returned to a bad situation.  I felt a heavy burden when the law didn't protect those women the way it should have.  I educated police officers.  I went toe to toe with lawyers and judges to get protections orders and custody orders.  I held hands during court hearings.  I insisted small town police enforce the laws.  I was strong.  I was smart.  I was a force to be reckoned with.  I don't say this to paint myself some sort of hero.  (I'm not even close - I just loved what I did.)  I point this out to highlight the fact that domestic violence really can happen to anyone.  (See also: irony.)

One day, IMITREX class, Buy IMITREX from mexico, girl meets boy.  Boy sweeps girl off her feet.  Girl has been so busy saving the world she has barely dated so this was very heady stuff.  It wasn't hard to be swept away.  Long distance relationship ensues with much romance and sweet talk.  Boy moves home and proposes.  Girl accepts.  Wedding quickly planned.  Honeymoon ends.

I quickly realized that the romance and sweet talk were a thing of the past.  I asked my husband (let's call him Joe) why he didn't do those nice things anymore.  Joe's response?  "Because I've got you now."  He then laid out his theory that men only to those things to "get" women and that once you are married you are no longer required to make that kind of effort.  I didn't pay attention to the implied ownership of his statement - I was more incensed that he thought all effort on his part ended with "I do", purchase IMITREX online. IMITREX duration, I was working hard to keep my marriage together.  I was a child of divorce and there was no way I was making the same mistakes my parents did.  I felt like I was the only one making efforts but this is my story and therefore inherently unfair in its telling.  Time passed as it is apt to do.  Listening to myself talk one day, I realized that I often said "I love him but...".  What followed the but was usually some behavior of his I felt compelled to excuse or explain to friends or family.  I didn't take him to many functions because he would make it clear he didn't want to be there by pouting or being belligerent, fast shipping IMITREX. Buy cheap IMITREX, Just shy of our second anniversary, I had a light bulb moment.  He was on a business trip, rx free IMITREX. I used to miss him and worry about him when he was gone until the moment of his return.  I suddenly realized that I was dreading his return.  I realized that I was happier with him gone.  This epiphany hit me like a ton of bricks.  I spent that night lying in bed, alone, examining my marriage.  And what I saw was a train wreck, BUY IMITREX OVER THE COUNTER. IMITREX over the counter, I don't know how I had missed it.  I had been so busy trying to make it work that I hadn't realized.  I was walking on egg shells all of the time.  He had an explosive temper.  He had never done anything physical but he was so verbally mean.  Most people have a line that they don't cross when they fight - he had no such line.  He would say the meanest, most vile, online IMITREX without a prescription, IMITREX street price, nastiest, most hurtful things that he could think of when we argued.  He would scream and yell and slam around the house.  I dreaded arguments.  When I tried to be reasonable and discuss things calmly, taking IMITREX, Where can i find IMITREX online, he would tell me to knock off the psycho-babble and find a way to push the button that would cause me to yell back. After an argument, IMITREX results, Herbal IMITREX, he would apologize and, while chuckling, cheap IMITREX no rx, Where to buy IMITREX, tell me I had the ability to make him angrier than any woman he ever knew because he loved me so much.  Things were good.  For awhile.  Like a cold bucket of water, I realized I was living the classic cycle of violence.  I was so dumbfounded that I had managed to get sucked into this kind of sick relationship.  I was participating in the very cycle I had spent 6 years educating everyone in my community about, buy IMITREX online no prescription. IMITREX alternatives, I asked him to go to counseling with me.  He told me I was crazy - there wasn't anything wrong.  On our 2nd anniversary, I asked him for a divorce.  He again brushed me off and told me everything was fine.  A few weeks later, IMITREX without prescription, Online buying IMITREX, his belligerent attitude resulted in him losing his job.  I didn't want to kick him while he was down so I decided to wait until he found a job to divorce him.  I knew I couldn't fix things myself.  If he wouldn't even acknowledge there was a problem then ending our marriage was the only way to regain my sanity, the only way to reclaim the little pieces of myself I had lost.  The cycle continued.  Months went by with him not getting a job, IMITREX use. IMITREX from mexico, Six months later, out of the blue, IMITREX steet value, Where can i buy cheapest IMITREX online, he announced he had filed for divorce.  I was stunned but relieved.  He said his lawyer advised him not to move out of the house.  He still wasn't working.  I was working from home.  That was way too much time together.  He had anticipated his announcement of filing for divorce would cause me to beg him to stay - to promise to toe the line if he would give me another chance.  He was angry that I wasn't playing by the script.  Everything went downhill quickly.  He became convinced I was cheating on him.  He went back and forth between being belligerent and remorseful.  He would rant about how he was going to ruin me in our small community.  He would cry and beg me to forgive him.  I told him things had gone too far.  Words couldn't be taken back.  I was finished.  When I tried to go to bed, he would sit on the edge of the bed and question me for hours about why our marriage failed and why I was seeing these imaginary men.  He wouldn't allow me to go to sleep at night.  He wouldn't allow me to work during the day.  I felt like a prisoner of war being tortured.  I lost my job because I was an exhausted basket case and missed an important deadline, buy IMITREX online cod. BUY IMITREX OVER THE COUNTER, We were living in this tension filled house.  He was not working and refusing to follow through with the divorce he filed.  I was working and trying to hold things together financially.  Months passed and I began hanging out with my girl friends again.  (My BFF had distanced herself because she hated to see how Joe treated me.)  I started to enjoy life again, to feel lighter, to feel like me for the first time in years, as long as I wasn't in that tension filled house.  He saw it.  He saw that light returning to my eyes.  He saw his last bit of control over me fall away.  It was the perfect storm. IMITREX schedule, I was in denial about where things were heading.  Joe hid my car keys several times so that I couldn't leave.  He had taken the phone batteries out and thrown them in the woods so that I couldn't call anyone.  (We lived in the country so these things isolated me.)  He had grabbed my arm and flung me to the floor one afternoon when I was leaving without telling him where I was going.  As I had often dismissed his verbal abuse, I didn't see this as the item I stressed when educating others (danger is highest just after the woman leaves because the abuser sees himself losing control and becomes desperate to regain it).  I didn't believe he was truly dangerous.  I still remembered the sweet man I dated - he wouldn't hurt anyone, IMITREX no prescription. No prescription IMITREX online, Then one night, I found myself, huddled in the corner of my bathroom with a gun pressed to my head, thinking to myself "I used to sit on the other side of the desk listening in quiet horror to stories just like this.  How did I end up here?"  He told me the only reason he didn't pull the trigger was because everyone would know it was him and he would never get a job.

I let him have sex with me that night.  I can't call it rape because I did nothing to stop it.  I didn't even try to say no.  I just cried until it was over.  I was just thankful to be alive and hoping to make it to the morning so that I could get out of there.  I saw him only once after that night - and we weren't alone together.  With the support of friends and family, I have moved on to have a truly wonderful life.  I will never again allow someone to make me a victim.

I am strong.  I am smart.  I am a force to be reckoned with.  And I learn from my mistakes.

####

Michelle writes at Michelle Smiles.
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Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.

Comments

37 comments
Quercki
Quercki

"I learn from my mistakes." Good for you!

Daisy Gentry
Daisy Gentry

It is evident through your story that you are strong and smart, and you really proved it. I'm so glad you survived and I'm happy you think of it as a mistake to learn from. Thank you for sharing <3

Kris
Kris

I have just discovered this website. Thank you so much for your story, for your transparency. I am so glad to know that you got out of this situation and that you are working to help others do the same thing...

I will add my agreement to many others here, you were raped. In the circumstances that surrounded that last night that you described, there is no shadow of a doubt that it was self-defense that kept you from refusing. He could never truly believe that you were interested in being with him.

Do not allow the thoughts of that night cause you to have any guilt - you are blameless. Accepting that you were raped is very difficult, I know. But the worse thing for me was denying it for so very long...

Another force to be reckoned with wishes you the very best...

Anna
Anna

I understand your story all to well because i have also lived it. My ex is a control freak and that is putting it lightly. The signs were their but stupid me I ignored them. He told me before we married that the man gets the BIGGER piece of meat, and the man gets served first at the dinner table, then the children and when the wife is done cooking then she may eat, I never laughed so hard in my life when he said it, problem was he was dead serious, I ignored it and laughed it off(Big Mistake)!!! The only rules the ex followed were his own and if you didn't obey, you would pay. 20 years of marriage and he gave nothing but HATE the whole time, but I am a strong woman I guess and I have survived and raised 3 God loving children. We are not yet divorced going on 2 years due to Mr.Control Freak and he continues to try and abuse me daily. I married a immature little boy who wanted a Mommy, a coward, a liar and a abuser. Now my job is to make sure our children don't grow up anything like him! I know already they will not, they have big hearts and they know love and how to love, something their Father is uncapable of. I told the hubby once, you don't know ANYTHING about Love, and he answered I was probably right, no Ex Husband, not probably, I WAS RIGHT!!!!

Malia
Malia

I'm glad you shared your story. I think it will be powerful for many women out there who thought, for one reason or another, that it couldn't/wouldn't happen to them. I love that you've not let this part of your life define you and keep you down, that you've been able to move on, to love again and to have a precious family.

S.K.
S.K.

Thanks for being willing to admit this. You never know how easily you can be manipulated until it happens to you.

DCCADV
DCCADV

"I am strong. I am smart. I am a force to be reckoned with. And I learn from my mistakes." #DV survivor...Her story: http://bit.ly/c3RBRk

Korinthia Klein
Korinthia Klein

I am so impressed that you were able to find the courage to write your story. Thank you for sharing it.

And I understand if for reasons of your own that you don't think the word rape applies, but the situation you describe sure sounds like rape to me. There is no implied consent when you are clearly threatened with violence. You did what you needed to do to survive, and if not voicing a formal protest got you out alive than you did the right thing, but don't be afraid to call it rape just because you didn't have a chance to say "no."

I wish you the best.

Nicole
Nicole

No one gauges the drama level of these stories. It isn't a contest to see who had it worse. It's not a competition that anyone really wants to excel in ... abuse is abuse is abuse. It really can happen to anyone.

Maybe in the telling, you've helped someone else realize that. And in that, like you, they can GET OUT.

So happy you've been able to escape and move on. Peace and happiness to you. You deserve them.

Stephanie
Stephanie

Wow Michelle. Thanks for sharing that - what an amazing person you are.

Fran
Fran

Thank you for reminding us of the all-too-often insidious nature of domestic violence. Even someone as savvy as yourself can succumb. There's no shame in that...for you. For him? That's a different story. Bless you in your triumph and I pray for your ongoing struggle and ultimate victory.

jinani
jinani

It is evident through your story that you are strong and smart, and you really proved it.
I'm so glad you survived and I'm happy you think of it as a mistake to learn from.
Thank you for sharing <3

Traci
Traci

You are an amazing, AMAZING woman. Thank you for sharing your story!

Arby
Arby

Abuse recognizes no limits in regards to age, race, ethnicity, religion, education, or employment. We see this over and over again on this website. You have an important story to tell and I am glad that you told it. Congratulations on getting yourself out of that situation.

TigereyeSal
TigereyeSal

Thank you for posting. I hear echoes of resonance bouncing around my head from your story.

Tracie
Tracie

A powerful post from @VUnSilenced to remind you that #domesticviolence can happen to anyone! http://ht.ly/2Vwqo

Cat
Cat

i am so sorry that this happened to you, yet so glad you lived through it and have shared your story with others. i am awed by your strength and your courage. i'm glad you made it. you deserve every bit of the happiness and joy you and your family enjoy now!

Jane Renee
Jane Renee

Thank you for sharing. I needed to hear this now. You are strong, and courageous.

Zoeyjane
Zoeyjane

I'm so happy you're able to share this story, and that things that night didn't degrade even further. But girl, by my definition, that was rape. It was coerced, and you had reason to fear for your life if you didn't submit. But I understand your reasons, I think, for not calling it so.

Maria
Maria

Oh Michelle - wow. What a strong, courageous, amazing woman you are.

I am a regular reader of your blog, but didn't know about your background. Your story. Knowing it now only makes me admire you all the more.

I have my own story (child abuse), but rarely tell it and when I do so, shame engulfs me. I'm in absolute awe of your tenacity and strength to stand up and tell your story. You truly are an inspiration.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Jackie
Jackie

Truly, nobody really believes these things can happen to them. Your story is one of hope and triumph and it's a total inspiration. Thanks for posting.

Tracie
Tracie

It is so important to share these stories of survival. I think this is such a strong testament to the fact that finding yourself in the midst of a domestic violence situation does not make you "dumb" or "stupid". Even someone who had worked with victims can find themselves in that place.

It is a testament of your strength and courage that you got away and now have a beautiful, violence-free life. That is beautiful!

nicole d.
nicole d.

Thank you for sharing this. I know where you are coming from and I never thought I would ever be in that situation either. I am thankful that you were able to get out before it was too late. And I am thankful every day that I did too.

Melissa
Melissa

Thank you for sharing your strength with others. Your story is one that will open others eyes...because it can happen to anyone.

As for the sex that night, although it doesn't fall under the actual definition of rape, you and I both know the feeling is the same. Allowing it to happen because you fear for your life....that makes it rape.

Your are a courageous woman. Thank you for sharing your story.

MommyNaniBooboo
MommyNaniBooboo

Wow- seems to me, like you really are a force to be reckoned with.
You are brave.
You are smart.
And I am so glad that you got out.

ShadowChaser
ShadowChaser

What a powerful story, thank you so much for sharing it!

MommaKiss
MommaKiss

What an incredible post. Just because you were "on the other side" doesn't make you immune. This wasn't your fault. So glad you are in a better place now.

Brooke
Brooke

I too woke up one day to realize I'd missed every red flag and that I was in an emotional abusive relationship. it's like being hit with a ton of bricks. I too am smart and knew the signs and statistics of domestic violence. It can happen to anyone, and I'm thankful that we both were able to get away physically unscathed. Thank you for sharing your story.

Camille
Camille

Thank you so much for sharing this, Michelle. It's beautifully written and a HUGE eye-opener.

burghbaby
burghbaby

You are amazing, Michelle. In every way.

Amy2boys
Amy2boys

Oh Michelle! Thank God you are ok, and look at the beautiful family you have now! I'm so sorry this happened. I think the hardest to see is verbal /emotional/ mental abuse. You are right that it's so subtle and slow somehow that women can't see it for what it is. Thank goodness you got out.

Love to you my friend.

Untypically Jia
Untypically Jia

I love your last line. You truly are a force to be reckoned with! It's amazing to see how sometimes it's so easy to look past the seemingly small bad things until suddenly you don't know where you are or what got you there.

Thank God for your survival and your strong voice!

Tracy @redvu9395
Tracy @redvu9395

Thank you for sharing. I needed to hear your story today.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Every year, I talk about it a little.  I provide some links.  I tell a story or two from my days of working in shelters.  I, sometimes, allude to my past.  This year, I decided to tell my story.  I was inspired about 6 months ago by a story I read and realized that while my story isn’t terribly dramatic it might give someone a little piece of understanding or comfort.  It really can happen to anyone.  It happened to me: a smart, educated, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ADVOCATE AND EDUCATOR.  It can be slow and insidious.  It can happen so slowly, so slyly that you don’t realize until it is too late.  I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone the whole story.  I was too ashamed – I was supposed to know better.  I spent years telling women it wasn’t their fault and I finally decided to believe my own words.  To read my story, click here. [...]

  2. [...] domestic violence – I was not the source, but rather the redeemer – and recently shared her story publicly. I admire my wife to no ends, and the strength she found to take this step helps me admire [...]

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